What can one do about being bad at making friendships and having low charisma?

14 comments

1. Ah, the tapestry of human interaction! Full of loops and swirls, yet sometimes you feel like a knot that can’t quite fit into the weave, eh? I hear you. There’s a sincerity in your desire to connect, but the flow of connection seems to elude you. Let’s step into this river together, shall we?

   The first thing to remember is you’re not doomed. The essence of who you are isn’t in your charisma or your banter, but in the authenticity of your being. See, your struggle isn’t uncommon. You’ve tried to be likeable, to be what you think others want, but let’s pivot and embrace who you really are. You say you’re not good at banter or being funny? That’s alright. Not everyone is a stand-up comedian. Maybe your strength lies in deep, one-on-one conversations. That’s a gift too. It’s a form of intimacy many people long for but rarely find.

   But hey, if you feel the call to step up your charisma, know that charisma is not so much about being flashy or loud, but about making the other person feel seen and heard. It’s about active listening. For example, instead of thinking what you can say next, focus on the person talking. What is their body language saying? How do they feel about what they’re saying? Responding to that, even if it’s just a nod or a simple phrase like, “I see what you mean,” can go a long way. It’s a simple yet profound way to engage.

   You also mention the anxiousness around texting. Isn’t it curious how a bunch of pixels on a screen can stir so much within us? Perhaps think of it like this: you’re not just texting; you’re extending your energy into the digital realm. Would you rush your words in a face-to-face interaction? Probably not. Take the time to think, to feel, before you hit that send button. And if you can’t see people’s reactions, well, maybe that’s a gift. It allows you to focus on what you’re really trying to say, without being sidetracked by over-analyzing their expressions.

   As for actionable advice, consider this:

   1. **Be Present:** Instead of worrying about what you should say next, focus on the moment. Listen to understand, not to respond. This alone can make you magnetic to people.

   2. **Self-Inquiry:** Spend some time with yourself. Dig deep. What are the barriers you’re putting up that may be preventing deeper connection? Are they fears? Prejudices? Limited beliefs?

   3. **Be Direct:** It’s okay to express your difficulty in social situations sometimes. Some will appreciate your honesty, and you might find that they too have similar anxieties, thus deepening your connection.

   4. **Explore Structured Social Settings:** Sometimes, less open-ended social scenarios can help. A book club, a cooking class, or other more structured settings can take off the edge and make the social ‘rules’ more obvious for you.

   5. **Talk Therapy:** As you navigate these complex social terrains, sometimes you need a co-navigator. A therapist can offer professional guidance, and it sounds like you’ve had good experiences using AI for therapy too. Lean into that.

   And lastly, oh wonderous wanderer of social landscapes, remember that you’re a work in progress. Each interaction is an opportunity for healing, not just for you, but for the other. Sometimes the way to fit into the puzzle is to stop trying to change your shape. To be fully you is the greatest gift you can offer to the world and to yourself. Thus, the river flows. 🌿

2. Just an idea. And this is from my experiance only. I have been playing Dungeons and Dragons for 24 years. My best friend was a closed off introvert that had 1 friend (me) and his family. Was never into crowds, public speaking or groups of people and had the social skills of a rock.

   Untill I invited him to play D&D. Its been 3 years of playing, but now he is the party leader of one of our groups. His social skills are not the best, but they have improved dramaticly. He now recently has been meeting other people without me there for support and I could not be prouder.

   So in short, roleplaying got my friend, and myself to be honest. To be much more comfortable talking, conversing and engaging with other people over time.

   I could not recommend this hobby enough for socializing and building friendships.

   And conversation flows when you have questions about the hobby, character flaws, ideas, ideals, progressions, the setting, the history and game mechanics.

   Honestly, you barely have to ask your friends how they are doing, if people are worried about socializing. Any question about the game your playing together usually has the coversations flowing in both directions.

   Rpgs, not exclusivly D&D, builds charisma.

3. I don’t like to talk about myself and what I’ve learned to do is to ask questions about the people I talk to. It goes like this:

   “*What do you do? Oh, wow. What do you like about that? Oh, that’s interesting. I work in <whatever>, it’s fun, but nothing like what you do. Where is your family name from? Oh, an old farm out west? Big family?*”

   And so on, and so on. Ask questions, one-down your accomplishments, deflect questions. Rince and repeat.

   The end-result is that people is left with the impression that we bonded and got to know each other well, while in reality I got to know them and they know very little about me, but they are left with the feeling of “I’d like to get to know him more!” or “I want to spend more time with this person!”

   I don’t do it to get to know people. I do it to avoid taking about myself, yet leave people with a good feeling.

4. Try chatgpt4 to give you text prompts. Not blindly obviously, edit before sending, but it can suggest the next line or two and help you feel less stuck in a text conversation.

   The face to face part will be all you though.

5. Oh, also I’ve heard good things about Toastmasters? I think it’s like a club where people work on their social skills through making speeches? Something like that, obviously I’m not totally sure but may be worth checking out, if there’s one near you.

6. I’m a talkative introvert. Most people say I have the gift of gab. I can have a 30 minute conversation with a stranger on the subway or at the park. But it drains me and I need time alone to refuel my energy.

   When it comes to meeting new friends who will invite you out places. There’s two things I can suggest. Firstly, make sure you’re reachable so it’s easy to invite you and hard to forget you. The best way to achieve this is by starting/joining group chats. People are busy and forgetful in todays world. Secondly, ditch your phone when your socializing. I am in an axe throwing league and I just leave my phone in my car for the three hours a week I’m at axe throwing. (This is a great way to make friends in your city as an adult)

7. Here’s my standard question:

   1. Name one hobby that you do regularly, and socially, in the company of others.

   And… go.

8. I am witty but have a lot of the same issues as you.

   I have all these friend groups but I’m not the one who is the best man or the best friend and have always felt like not only on the outside of friendship groups but I feel outside of humanity in a lot of ways too.

   When I look at other people and close friendships, they are close because they easily connect and have similar passions and interests. I am passionate about very little but I am a little bit interested in a lot of things.

   I feel like it’s my lack of passion that keeps these friendships from growing. Whether it’s a passion for football, crypto currency or anything else, it’s just not there.

   So, what do I do? I tend to try to just spend a lot of time around people and still have a good amount of friendships, I just had to come to terms that these will never be the close friendships I crave. I see the world in an odd way and my therapist told me I have the spirit of a poet, I’m always looking at things people tend not to notice, so it’s not surprising that I don’t vibe with most people on a deep level.

   I see a lot of tips here but it may just be how you are and who you are. The only thing that has ever helped me is finding a new hobby or activity and really investing a lot of time in it, even if it’s not my passion driving me.

   I totally understand you and your situation, I am you in a lot of ways. I have very little passion and drive and it hurts my friendships and romantic relationships. I quit drinking and did AA which helped a lot, therapy, got in really good shape, trying to spend a lot of time trying new things and learning new things and that has helped. I have always given up on things easily and I have a really good job just out of my natural abilities, I have found a bit more drive by just doing things and sticking to them and finding myself getting better at them.

9. Ask questions and be interested in the answers. People will like you when they think you like them

10. I’ll only give 2 bits of practical advice as receiving lots can be overwhelming, but these are things I started doing a while ago and I’ve noticed a change in how people interact with me.

    If you’re in a group of people and one person says something but gets interrupted, when the interrupter has finished their point try to interject and ask the interrupted person to finish their point. That’s like charisma +100 right there.

    Step 2 is eye contact. Look people in the eye when you talk to them, look people in the eye when they talk to you. If you don’t do it normally it’ll be hard but the more you do hard things the easier they get, and quicker than you think.

    You’ll find that people will notice you more when you do things like that, as it shows you’re listening and paying attention.

    There’s more you can do but I’ll leave it there as the above will already make a huge difference.

11. i think the first thing to do is not beat yourself up about this. It’s something that loads of guys struggle with, and more often than not it’s the person you’re socialising with’s problem, not yours

    that being said, that’s no reason not to work on this. you’re clearly a very reflective person, and people are missing out by not getting to know you

    i’d say the number one thing is to set out to find out/understand as much about the people you’re talking to as possible, as if youve got to take a test on them afterwards. this interest will more often than not make them seek your company again.

    tihs will be awesome for your confidence, and help with the group stuff

    re. the texting, yeah it sucks :(. Can’t go wrong with a funny gif or meme IMO

12. Practice. It’s a skill. At 48 I’m finally getting out and actively making conversation and going to every group activity I can.

    In person. Not text. There is no substitute for interacting in person.

    I just went sailing (rental) with a few people from a d&d group yesterday. And a couple weeks before that, hiking.

13. I can absolutely relate – and reading through all the replies here – I think there is a common theme for us (and that is just my speculation, but I think you have some ADHD posts too?)

    **It might be the result of being a neurodivergent mind in a neurotypical world.**

    For me the feeling of trying everything but not being able to make deep friendships, not understanding connections, using chatgpt for conversations, analyzing social interaction on a cognitive level, learning about the positive effects of eye contact, being exhausted after social interactions – I think this fits all in the problems of **masking, to appear neurotypical** but still failing.

    So my advice after rambling and speculating – sorry for that – try to research a bit about neurodiversity in adults and find some neurodivergent friends 🙂

14. [The Charisma Myth](https://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magnetism/dp/1591845947/) by Olivia Fox Cabane is a good read. You may find actionable advice in there that you can work on.