As the title. My partner and I had an argument where she said some pretty hurtful things about me then refused to talk to me. She has since apologised, but before apologising I spoke to my friend about it via messages. My partner went through my phone and found these messages and now says she feels hurt and betrayed and doesn’t know if she can move past it. I’m conflicted. I feel awful to have shared a personal insight into our relationship that reflects badly on her and understand why she feels betrayed, but she wouldn’t talk to me and I was angry. I was turning to my friend because I needed support. I am also upset that she went through my phone without permission and that I was willing to hear her out and forgive the hurtful things she said but doesn’t seem willing to do the same for me. How do we move forward?
TL:DR my partner is upset because she snooped my phone and read a negative conversation about her.
UPDATE: I asked her to talk to clear the air. I said I don’t think we’re good together but I didn’t want bad blood. She said she has nothing to say and she doesn’t want me to be part of her life as I pushed her to say things then made her to look like a monster. Zero accountability
37 comments
There are no situations that justify invading someone’s privacy, and in today’s age, the most private things re on our phones.
In my eyes, the trust is gone.
Tbh without anymore detail she could’ve been looking for a reason to be mad at you. Especially if she was in the wrong in the first place. The fact that you went to a friend to vent and move past what she did shows your growth in trying to keep your relationship going. the fact that she can’t see why she is wrong is a red flag. She said hurtful things to you then invaded your privacy is crazy
What I’m curious about is why she felt she needed to snoop down your phone in the first place. So what did you do to spur that reaction. Or has she done something bad, and now paranoid that you might have done the same?
To be clear, you got in an argument in which she was an asshole to you. You talked to your friend about it (curiosity, not that it should make a difference, but was friend male or female?). She “apologized”. Then she went through your phone?
Um, I feel like there’s some info missing. If not, she sound horribly insecure, manipulative and kinda controlling. What does she bring to the relationship? Other than drama.
As if she’s never vented to her friends about you or one of her previous partners before! Just apologize and be sympathetic but don’t worry about it too much – you didn’t do anything wrong.
She violated your privacy. Its none of her business what you talk about with your close friends. You have every right to discuss your relationship with people you trust.
Tell her to apologize for violating your privacy immediately and tell her its not happening twice
There’s nothing wrong with discussing your problems with a friend. It’s important to have a solid support system around you and you have absolutely nothing to apologise for.
OP very conveniently left out context that makes her sound a lot worse.
She doesn’t sound like a peach but you don’t sound great yourself.
IMO it is a red flag when partners don’t want you to engage with a support system. Like is it uncomfortable to know? Obviously yes. But unless it’s divulging private information like her childhood trauma etc? Not her business. Talking to friends allows you to get a decent perspective on what’s going on between you, and allows you to vent frustration in a healthy way.
What’s the info about the “friend” you discussed this with? Is it a friend she gets along with or a friend she’s wary of?
Didn’t she betray you by invading your privacy? I mean it’s normal to lean on friends for support especially when you’re having relationship issues. What is she so afraid of your friends finding out?
Even though it’s a horrible thing to do, I do think looking through someone’s phone is forgivable. But your girlfriend sounds like the type of person I wouldn’t forgive. I’m glad she’s gone, you dodged a bullet there.
I think your partner is dangerous. First, she says hurtful things, then stonewalls you when you are feeling vulnerable/exposed. You find a confidant because you don’t know where else to go (understandable btw) she then goes through your phone behind your back and you are to blame here? Where was she when you felt so low due to her behaviour? Sulking, letting her ego dictate, making you feel undervalued. Great , she apologised. But guess what ? It was too late because you found comfort somewhere else . She needs to a) realise that she abandoned you so looked for comfort elsewhere , wasn’t like you cheated, you just needed cheering up b) stop violating boundaries c) accept that her behaviour had consequences that she only has herself to blame for. I wouldn’t stick around if I were you as I had an ex who has the same level of entitlement , “I’ll do something shitty to you and you can’t tell anyone about it because I eventually apologised . How dare you find comfort in people that weren’t me, even though I caused the discomfort.” My brother was also in a similar predicament with his ex, guess what, he’s glad he’s now out. This doesn’t get better. If anything it will get worse. How long have you two been together? My hub and I drive each other mad but going through a phone is a big no no. I’m sure he moans about my mad collections to a mate and sometimes I’ll say “o no, he’s got an idea in his head again .” to a friend, but we would be lying if we said we didn’t expect that on the odd occasion
By your comments I’m assuming the friend you texted talking shit about her is a another woman.
If you can’t turn to a friend to vent or for advice what are you supposed to do???
I don’t know, I don’t feel like getting support from a friend is a betrayal. The men and women that feel this way often don’t want people to know of their wrongdoings. But it’s not like you’re specifically going to a friend to expose them, you need support or a second opinion. Or maybe just to vent. Everyone needs that.
She, on the other hand, violated your privacy. What reason did she have to go through that conversation? Or your phone at all? Does she not trust you?
I see you say that she broke up with you in other comments, but I probably would have suggested that to you anyways. She lives in a world where only she can do no wrong. You should not have to apologize for a private conversation where you vented.
I was in such a toxic relationship where my ex, actually searched for stupid reasons to fight with me. Said some very nasty stuff to me etc. She actually tried to make me mad because I can tolerate a lot of shit before I get upset.
I spoke to a close friend about it and searched for help as I felt trapped and I could not communicate with my ex. I typed some bad things about our relationship and how I felt about her.
She snooped through my PC and found the messages and then she freaked out and got in a massive huge fight. She finally found something to use a lot of ammo she has been storing in her depressed hatefull mind.
That day I lost complete trust in her. Our relationship was never the same. We tried to patch it up, nothing came from her at all, so it just went down hill, a slow puncture. She tried to manipulate me because I said bad stuff about our relationship and she felt betrayed and I had to show her that I care. Not willing to take any responsibility for her own actions, it was all me.
After our divorce and with lots of reflection, I realised that I was the fucking idiot for staying in such a long toxic relationship. No partner should break each other down and say hurtful stuff. Emotional abuse is real and some people are really fucking toxic.
Open your eyes, the red flags are there, stop ignoring them because you are afraid to make a move. Stop accepting toxicity and verbal abuse from people who are supposed to love and care for you!
In these messages was there anything personally embarrassing to her that she could have expected you’d keep to yourself? “She screamed at me for no reason” vs “she screamed at me when I told her her kink of golden showers was gross and I wasn’t getting pissed on”?
If the former she really has no reason to complain.
I’d end it over the snooping. People who gripe when their partner vents to a trusted friend are only mad because they want to get away with their shitty behavior in private. They know it’s shitty. That’s why they don’t want you to vent about it.
What he forget to mention in the post: His best friend is a woman, so he talked shit about his gf to his female best friend. OP is turning all blame on gf for snooping, and refuses to say what the original fight was over, and exactly what he said to his girl bestie. My intuition is telling me that you are the problem.
It’s very narcissistic to prevent you from getting advice from a friend. You dodged a bullet with her breaking up with you. You accepted her apology for doing something far worse. You didn’t cheat in her you got advice.. She overreacted incredibly. She also violated your privacy. Id never trust someone ever who did that ever again.
This is very bad for trust, honestly and it’s hard to move forward when trust has been breached.
You are absolutely allowed to talk to your friends, it’s sort of a given that almost everyone does this. I am certain my partner does, I do. I don’t want to know the deets cos it’s him letting off steam and it would probably embarrass me, but if I was in the wrong, then I need to eat it and be a grown up. People need to vent.
Her raiding your phone is a total no-no. Unless she found out that you’re a murderer/a rapist, she has really lost the right to be upset, because she’s now put herself in the crappier position.
She broke your trust, violated your privacy and then found something she didn’t like. It’s really almost like she wanted to find something to be upset about.
This is simple. Going through a partners phone is one of the most disrespectful things one can do.
Time to move on.
You’re allowed to talk to your friends to process problems
Dealbreaker! I’d be gone.
Idk, I just never understood partners who don’t like their spouse to have other people to talk to. If you weren’t an a-hole, I wouldn’t have to vent to someone else. Feels super controlling.
no one asked what the person did to make their girlfriend feel suicidal & look through the phone lol. For someone to do/say those things they most likely were hurt pretty seriously by their significant other in some way the first place. Normal ppl don’t say/do those things for no reason.
After reading the first post and then reading several replies this all sounds a little gas lighty with a hint of narcacissm, rips you a new one by having a huge drama argument, says your fucked in the head and a tosser and that you make her suicidal but then when she wants to repairs things gives you the best or a very convincing apology.
This is typical behaviour of someone who is trying to tear you down and put you under their own control, will break you down slowly piece by piece until you lose friends, lose yourself, your identity, your confidence and your self esteem until you become full reliant upon her for everything.
Quite frankly I would walk 500 miles and then I would walk 500 more just to get the hell away. Genuinely not worth it, she clearly has no trust in you because either wise she wouldn’t check your phone in the first place and now that she’s seen the “hurtful” (even if they are truthful) messages she will only get worse and do it more frequently to the point where you have zero privacy. Cut your losses, there are people out there worth a 1000x more and I’m sure their “apologies” will be just as good 😅👌
When the trust tests start that’s a sign the relationship is done. She’s arguing with you and violating your privacy, looking for things to be mad about you. There’s no trust in her end.
And now thanks to her snooping you can’t trust her either.
Relationships are built on trust. Once it’s broken it’s extremely hard to get back. What would she realistically have to do before you could trust her again? Could she, not any generic person but her in particular, do it?
Cut her loose. These are mind games galore.
It’s not okay for your partner to demand you not talk to friends and family about your relationship.
Doing so is a HUGE controlling red flag and suggests she is trying to alienate you from your support system.
And going through your phone is also controlling and a violation of your privacy. It is akin to eavesdropping on your private conversations or reading your diary without your permission.
Be very wary if this behavior continues.
Maybe I’m weird, but I kind of expect my partner to vent about me to a close friend or family member. Sometimes, it’s better to vent your frustration to someone else to get it off your chest instead of keeping it inside and blowing up at your partner. I know it gives me a chance to talk stuff out, clear my head, and find out if I’m overreacting…or perhaps I’m even the unreasonable one 😄
I don’t think what’s she asking/demanding of you is fair.
It was not ok for her to go through your private conversations full stop.
But just a word of advice about over sharing with a friend when things are shaky but you’re willing to reconcile:
Your friend’s opinion of your partner can be irrevocably soured. Your friend doesn’t love your partner like you do, for better or worse this can influence your relationship or alienate yourself from your friends that don’t want to watch you choose to suffer. Even if your partner changes you could end up constantly justifying your decision to stay, or defending your partner while your friend thinks you’re being delusional.
If you vent to your friends about an abusive partner they’re going to want to help you get out of the situation and not fully support your relationship in the future, nor should they.
I will be the only one to say this but I don’t think it was cool for you to share your girlfriend’s issues with someone who knew her. Yes, it’s your best friend but she knows that friend and would see that friend again if you are still a couple. It could be shameful for her to have her personal life spilled out that way. Fights or troubles are between partners first in my opinion, or simply shared with someone who doesn’t know the other person personally as friend. I’m a private person so that’s my take on this. She’s mad and hurt that you shared/rant her and her sister’s personal issues with said friend.
I love how everyone here knows the answers to everything with absolute certainty and no questions based on a one paragraph, one sided, text
Hey friend, I just want to point something out to you really quick:
* She doesn’t want you sharing “details” of your relationship (she wants her actions to exist in isolation, where they can’t be assessed by a third party and found to be abusive)
* She verbally abused you (healthy relationships don’t involve name-calling and belittling, even in arguments)
* She violated your privacy (“snooping” is not standard behavior in healthy relationships)
* She projected her own behaviors onto you to deflect (calling you a gaslighting narcissist in this particular instance is 100% gaslighting narcissist behavior)
Worth noting in particular that her privacy is paramount and yours is null. Incredible hypocrisy.
Please take care of yourself and separate from this person who does not treat you like a partner deserves to be treated.
So she’s upset because you don’t want to cut off your support as she further plans to isolate you? Nah. Fuck her and her manipulative ass.