I apologize this is long, I’m trying to include all the details from multiple conversations as transparently as possible.
Tl;dr: my husband is upset that I want to attend my brother’s out of state wedding.
My brother’s wedding is coming up this fall. He is doing a small ceremony for close family in a neighboring state and a larger reception near our parents’ home, about 45 minutes away. The two events are about one week apart, with the reception preceding the ceremony. My husband (M29) and I (F28) have been married for 9 years, have no children, and have several animals. I am officiating the wedding.
Brother chose to have the ceremony in a neighboring state. Our options would be a 10 hour drive (one way) or a cheap flight and a rental car. When I explained this to my husband, he quickly became frustrated and said he didn’t want to go because of the expectation to spend so much time and money on my brother for his wedding (will elaborate more below). I understood how he felt and told him so. I also told him that the event was important to me and that I intended to attend. He told me that I should go but that I needed to coordinate with my family for carpooling and the Airbnb. He basically said to keep him out of it and that he wanted nothing to do with it. My parents are divorced. My dad is flying in and my sister’s large family is driving but does not have room for me to ride with them. This left carpooling with my mom as the only option. Her vehicle is a tiny car that I do not feel comfortable making the drive in, which leaves my car as the only option. My entire family is sharing an Airbnb and splitting the bill to keep cost down. We will be making meals rather than eating out. I anticipate the cost of attending the ceremony to be roughly $500 after splitting the cost of gas with my mom. The reception will cost very little to travel to and will be a single evening event.
My husband doesn’t want to go for many reasons. 1, In almost 10 years of marriage, we have not gone on a single vacation as a couple. We have been focusing on home renovations and schooling. We have had many discussions about how we are choosing different things and the time to travel will come later in life for us. Any time a family vacation comes up, we go if it is less than a 3 hour drive and would not if it was beyond that. My husband does not want to make an expensive and time consuming trip for my brother’s wedding when we have done very little as a couple. 2, No one in our family is very well off, many make questionable financial choices. This kind of wedding is very different from what is typically done and he considers my brother to be selfish, entitled, arrogant, etc. for expecting the family to attend the ceremony in addition to the reception. 3, we do have several animals. We live about 30 minutes from our closest relatives and it would be unfair to ask them to care for our animals while we were away. We do have great neighbors that could help, but my husband doesn’t feel comfortable with it.
When my husband again asked about the upcoming trip, he very quickly became frustrated that I would need to drive our vehicle and that the trip was so long (from a Thursday to a Monday). He asked why I wasn’t flying and I explained a rental car would be needed and with the flight, it seemed like the more expensive route to go. He blew up, saying the trip was absurd, that my brother was arrogant, that I was oblivious, asked who I thought I was, suggested the trip would actually cost $1200 – $5000 dollars “when” something happens to our car, and said that I was making it very clear that I didn’t care what he thought about the whole thing. He said that my going goes directly against everything we have talked about and that I am being emotional rather than logical and that it is ridiculous to attend the ceremony at all and that I will be “lucky” if he even attends the reception. Throughout our marriage my husband has taken 3 fishing trips ranging from $500 – ~$1200 that I have not been invited on. We have spent money on expensive programs and donations because they were important to him and I supported it because that made it important to me. When I pointed this out to him he said it was different and that he had worked hard for those trips and I haven’t and that I haven’t been saving for the trip. I work full time and always have. Although I’m not raking money in, I currently make more money than I ever have after graduating with my masters degree in May. I also worked an additional 60 hours and had been planning on using that money to pay for the trip. He says because I hadn’t specifically discussed using that money for the wedding (because he didn’t want to hear about it) it didn’t count as working hard to go and that I was being financially irresponsible. He said going is selfish and is directly against our best interests and that I “bit off more than I can chew”, that I’m in a “f****** expensive pickle”, and that I need to “wake up”.
I feel I have been backed into an unfair situation. This is a big deal to me. It isn’t just a family vacation, it is a wedding. It matters to me, it’s important. Even if I wasn’t officiating, I would feel it was important to go and would have huge regrets if I missed it. I accept and understand his reasoning for not wanting to go, although I would prefer to have him come. I also appreciate that he would be taking care of our animals on his own while I am gone. I am trying to keep this trip as cheap as possible and would like to spend time with my family rather than showing up for the ceremony and leaving at the same price point. He was at first supportive of a more local wedding, then of just my attending, and is now hinting at the end of our relationship. He has told me “you do you”, that I am being too emotional about it all for even considering going, and that he refuses to discuss the trip with me again, period. He has suggested splitting up our finances, and said something along the lines of “I see you’re going to do whatever you want, I’ll do the same. Just don’t cry when I say no to *imminent financial needs or wants* or when it leads to divorce.”
How do I find the line between respecting my husband’s opinion, honoring what is important to me personally, and making a reasonable decision altogether?
What can I say to my husband to explain I care about him and his opinion without missing such an important event?
34 comments
Is he always like this when you disagree?
Why would you stay with someone who doesn’t respect you?
*How do I find the line between respecting my husband’s opinion, honoring what is important to me personally, and making a reasonable decision altogether?*
I didn’t get the sense there was much respect or honor going on in this relationship. Which part was the respect? Which part was honor?
Is your husband always so controlling and so petulant? Does he always gaslight you? Do you always tend to feel that you have to follow his lead lest he put you down?
And why has he blown this so much? Does he loathe and look down on your family? Does he belittle you often? For a stranger reading this, it’s red flag after red flag after red flag especially as it seems he’s always changing his reasoning. And suddenly now saying that you should split up?
Is there something else going on?
There is a different between being frugal and being cheap. Your husband is cheap. I mean, you don’t have “Las Vegas for two weeks” money, but sometimes you have to do something with your life and it’s your brother not a second cousin whose wedding you just think is cool.
I don’t think your marriage is a stable as you think it is. I mean, nothing against being frugal, I am myself, but he is ridiculous, it’s your brother, and it’s (hopefully) his only wedding. He acts like your brother has a wedding yearly and you went to all of them.
Why are you married to this financially controlling, self obsessed mooch ?
From what you have written here you are being entirely reasonable. You’ve thought through the most cost effective way to attend. You aren’t getting into debt to do this. It is an event that is clearly important to you and would be to most people.
Your husband on the other hand is not being reasonable and appears manipulative and engaging in emotional blackmail. Do as I say or else.
You don’t need his permission. You also don’t need to respect his decision or opinion. You can simply say that you are going. You don’t need to explain, justify or argue. You are a grown adult.
Behaviour like this is rarely a one off or caused by a single situation. I urge you to consider how often his preferences dominate, and how often he is manipulative especially when you want to do something for yourself.
Wow, this is insane to me. Your husband sounds extremely controlling and a bit scary to be honest. You honestly aren’t allowed to go anywhere more than three hours away? I would seriously struggle with being held back like that, especially when family is involved. This isn’t a random vacation, it’s a family wedding. The fact that he isn’t supporting you or even bothering to attempt the trip with you would be a massive deal breaker for me. Considering you’re even financing it yourself. Is this really the life you want? It sounds completely mad to me.
Your husband sounds pretty awful. He’s controlling and rude. It’s sad that you even want to accommodate his insane demands. Do what you need to do and screw him. I think you’d be better off with him.
NTA, but I feel that this is the symptom of a deeper underlying issue. Your husband is throwing out any argument that comes to mind no matter how ridiculous to keep you from going. You might not want to admit it, but your husband is accusing you of being emotional to divert attention away from his highly emotional state. Do you have a past with someone at the wedding? I say go, but you need to get your husband to tell you what is really bothering him.
So HE gets FISHING trips and you can’t attend a BROTHERS wedding? Did I just read that? WTF?
Was he your first relationship? because this doesn’t sound like a 50/50 relationship. It sounds like he is controlling and abusing you verbally with the threats!?
In 10 years no vacations together and yet he goes on fishing trips alone??
Go to the wedding and I would STRONGLY suggest an attorney afterwards to file for divorce!
This does not sound like a balanced relationship. He gets to go on his trips but not you? Because you didn’t say “this is for my brother’s wedding” in advance, the money you earned cannot be earmarked for your trip? This is not a healthy situation.
It’s your brothers wedding… so yes. Go. Obviously.
Your husband sounds like he is controlling and toxic,… and …. Very much like an A’hole
Your husband’s opinions on this are not worthy of respect. He’s being a totally unreasonable, controlling, and unempathetic asshole.
This is your brother’s wedding, and you want and need to be there, you’ve made practical and frugal financial plans for attending, and your husband hasn’t offered any constructive suggestions, just unwarranted criticism and ad hominem attacks.
Your plans are entirely reasonable, and any sensible, normal person would see that. Go to the wedding with a clear conscience and let Mr. Crabby Pants stew in his own juices. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.
He can make his own choice not to attend. But he doesn’t get to dictate the choices you make in order to attend this once in a lifetime event.
Wow. What do you like about your husband and his treatment of you? I realize you can’t encapsulate your relationship in a post, but his behavior regarding this very reasonable wedding plan strikes me as exceedingly controlling, manipulative and childish. This is your brother, a wedding you are officiating, and an important event. Can you and your mom divvy up the cost of gas and a rental car? Yes, it would be a bit more than $500, but avoids his ridiculous scenario of your vehicle blowing up and costing up to $5K.
Do go to your brother’s wedding!
“This is my brother’s wedding. I am officiating the wedding. I’m going. Consider this my version of one of your fishing trips.”
Your husband is a controlling, self-absorbed a$$hole.
He is mad because he can tell you aren’t going to listen to him tell you what you can and cannot do.
Once he realized he can’t control you, he threatens separate finances and divorce.
Seriously, if you divorced him I am betting your life with be easier and you would be able to be “emotional” all you want.
Don’t you think it should be time for HIM TO HONOR WHAT IS IPORTANT TO YOU?
Oh yeah, his OPINION…..isn’t worth shit because it only serves HIS wishes, wants and demands.
Sheesh, he need to grow a pair.
Go! Your husband is a bag of excuses & is being both controlling & selfish. I was in a different but similar scenario. My now ex husband made it impossible for me to attend my only brother’s wedding reception, as he was a final candidate for a job he wanted on the other side of the country & they wanted to interview me too. I begged & cried to please reschedule, let me go but he refused. I never saw my beloved aunt, who had traveled from the UK to attend the wedding, again & that precious interaction time at the reception would have been priceless. His dictatorial ways became quite apparent & years after the fact, hearing that you’re in a similar situation with a man who sounds like my now ex actually brings up all the other selfish acts he did. As for the job, he didn’t get it. Apparently when they thanked me for coming out & wanted to know if I had been inconvenienced, I told them I’d missed my brother’s wedding. They rightfully concluded my now ex was & I’m sure still is an azzhat & he wasn’t offered the position. Sounds like your husband is in general an azzhat too.
I just want to warn you about the travel thing… my father made all these promises to my mother about future travel and dream trips they’d go on. He never took her on a single one. They barely ever left our state.
So just be careful. He could be pushing the idea of traveling down the line to stave off disagreements now when he has no real intention of ever traveling with you.
You cannot change your husband’s mind because he has already made his decision: you working time-and-a-half doesn’t count unless you declare you’re doing overtime for a specific reason. His trips, hobbies, ego-stroking donations are important, your once-in-a-lifetime wedding attendance is not.
Do not miss the wedding. You’ll regret it forever and you CAN afford it – you’ve worked for it, and if you, as a couple, have money for his indulgences, you have money for yours.
He’s not willing to compromise. Do not meet him halfway. You’re already doing that by finding the cheapest way to travel.
So did your husband start alienating you from your family before you got married? Do you have any friends? He will NEVER take you traveling. Go to your family. STAY with them.
Simply put, your husband doesn’t want you to go to your brother’s wedding festivities. And he’s coming up with every phony excuse he can come up with to prevent you from going. He conviently forgets all the trips he has taken by himself that have cost more, that you have saved the money for trip but he probably wanted for a trip for himself, and honestly he is pouting like 2 yo because you won’t do what he wants.
Be careful because he may fake an illness or injury to prevent you from leaving.
Life is for living now. Sure build for the future, but don’t just exist.
He expects you to simply not go to a siblings wedding, that’s mad.
I’m sorry but in my eyes, you are setting yourself on fire to keep him warm.
At what cost to yourself?
You worked extra for the trip; he doesn’t get a say in this.
He can take trips for fun but doesn’t want you to attend a family wedding.
Is he always controlling where money is concerned?
Has he been isolating you from your family?
Go to your brothers wedding it isn’t being disrespectful of your husband to go. That’s messed up and bad logic…..umm, I encourage you to make separate friends and to start going on trips. Once a year we, go somewhere fun. I don’t understand why it’s ok for him to control the money and go on trips but you can’t.
Before you go on this trip, set up a separate bank account for yourself, your name only. Start having your checks go into that account. I have a feeling that when you go, he’s going to pull all of the money out just to show you.
If he’s not giving you solid answers on animal care, go ahead and set up a neighbor to check in. He’s trying to get you all riled up with his excuses and accusations. You deserve to go on this trip, it’s not illogical, and you really deserve a partner that listens to you and helps you through life, and not this guy.
You should throw the whole husband away. You’re young. You do NOT want to spend the rest of your life with a person who acts and thinks like this. He goes on several expensive trips with HIS money but now it’s also HIS money if you want to take a trip? No. Nope. You should go on the trip. Fly. Take an uber to the Air BNB. When you get back, consult a divorce attorney, serve him with papers, and think about how you want to live without him. You’re going to make some sacrifices, yes, but you’ve got your whole life to take that education and make the life you want to live, and hopefully someday you’ll find a partner who isn’t selfish, angry dictator who emotionally blackmails you into not going to a family member’s wedding.
You’re officiating the wedding. Of course you’re going!
Your husband is calling you selfish, but he’s not recognizing his own selfishness. Pot calling the kettle back it seems.
Is this his M.O. when you two have a disagreement?
First, this is financial abuse. Second, I think it make be time to see a therapist and when you go to the wedding, talk to your family about your husband behavior bc this is not normal.
And your husband is cheap when it comes to your stuff, family vacation. If it’s more then 3 hour, don’t want to go but complain about not taking enough vacations. Now make that make sense.
Better question, who is the house name in? How much of both of y’all finances has gone into remodeling your home. Does your husband make more then you that me can be this controlling over your finances? Does your husband more of the remodeling then you? Is the car in your name or in his? Does he have his own car bc let’s say your two get divorced. Is he getting car or you bc from what you saying. Your husband controlling of your finances and make decisions on your finances that benefit him not you.
Go to your brother wedding, matter of fact. Tell your husband that he’s uninvited. He can take care of the animals since he rather be home then take a “vacation” .
Your husband is a cheap fucking asshole threatening you with divorce for wanting to attend your brother’s significant event. I’d take him up on the offer. Don’t threaten me with a good time, pal. It’s not like your brother is getting married at some expensive international resort. Fuck him, seriously.
I haven’t seen anyone mention it yet but I would be wary of your husband messing with the car enough that it “suddenly” (but not super expensively) breaks down while you’re on the trip so he can have a “see?!? Told you so!” moment.
OP, the fact that you feel that you have to go into this much detail to explain the situation and justify going to a sibling’s wedding shows that your husband has warped your sense of what’s normal.
Wanting to spend a few days and a few hundred dollars to go to a *sibling’s* wedding is just so eminently reasonable that there would have to be huge extenuating circumstances for it to be even slightly sensible for him to object. In fact, it’s absurd that he’s not coming with you, much less discouraging you from attending and threatening divorce. I can’t emphasize enough how weird he’s being. The fact that you feel the need to “respect his opinion” over this and are straining for hard to find a compromise to be allowed to go makes me fear that he’s like this on a regular basis and you don’t realize the relationship has become abusive.
Like, I was expecting to hear that your brother had punched your husband in the face the last time they saw each other, or you were on the brink of starvation due to poverty or you had no one to leave your 2-week-old with. But his reasons are that you haven’t vacationed together (but he has vacationed alone?) and he’s judgmental about your family. You should go and if he divorces you over it consider yourself lucky.
What makes this scream manipulation and emotional abuse is how he said things to make you whittle it down to the cheapest and least pleasurable trip for you (20 hours of driving and less time with family) and he’s still against it. For him, it’s the fact you’re going somewhere without him. He can go fishing without you because you’re at home. This is a control thing and not a financial thing. Please consider getting out from this abusive situation.
Stop being a doormat, OP. Go to the wedding and stop asking his opinion. Do not ask one more time.