I (28F) have been dating my bf (30M) for almost 8 years. We met in university, and have been friends before we started dating.
He is a really nice person who supported me in everything. He was with me as I got my license, my first car, my first job, my first home, everything. He is also my first and only serious relationship, and I am the same with him.
The only problem is since we’ve been dating for a long time now, I expected for our relationship to take a more serious turn. Until now, he cannot confirm whether or not he wants to marry me. He said he would need at least two more years to confirm if he could actually commit.
We only see eachother once a week prior to this, and since I live alone, I proposed that he spend the night more often. We don’t live together as he lives with his family. However, he only spends the night with me once a week, and he looks really bored and out of energy most of the time since we started seeing eachother more often. I confronted him about this, and he said he is bored and would like to do more unique activities. He also mentioned that he hates how he cant go to the gym and do his routines whenever hes in my place.
However, as a life partner, I expected that he would also enjoy my company despite doing nothing, just as I do with him. I see spending more time with him as baby steps to prepare for a future together, but he does not seem to be on the same page. It gives me the impression that he still wants the same college relationship arrangement of going out once a week, and going back to our families eventually. He is very close to his family, and whenever he is asked about the future, they are always in his plans. But i am not sure if I am.
After a lot of confrontation, he admitted that he is afraid that marrying me would just lead to divorce and him trying to avoid me eventually. He said he doesn’t want that to happen. He is asking for more time to think about this, and he is alright with breaking up if I really wanted to settle soon, as he is not ready to commit.
I am scared that marriage and having a family would never happen for me now that I’m 28. He has been my only friend and confidante for the past 8 years, and I am afraid of losing what we have and starting over.
What should I do?
43 comments
Yeah, that’s a whole bunch of red flags right there. It indeed does not seem like he is really into it. Now some guys DO take their time before they are ready for commitment, but 8 years IS a lot of time and you are not even living together yet.
Hate to say it, but I think it might be time to look elsewhere. You want a committed relationship and it doesn’t seem like he wants the same. Thankfully, 28 really isn’t that old although it may seem like it to you.
If he can’t commit after 8 years, just get over it.
I can relate to not wanting to put labels, having weddings etc, but he doesn’t even seem to want to be with you? He’d rather be home with his parents in his 30s than be with you? There’s more to this.
Of course “starting over” could be scary, but you want to be with the **right** person, not just **a** person.
I think he made his choice. You can’t force someone to marry you. And you will find someone, believe me and if not, being single and older has its perks too. Stay single for a while, live life, see what being single brings to your life again, you were with someone for so long, you forgot to be just with you.
Listen…
1. He needs 10 years of your life to even figure out if he wants to commit to you.
2. He sees you once a week and thinks it’s boring.
3. After 8 years together he still has no idea what to do.
Are you willing to waste a whole decade of your life on someone who is not even sure if he wants to commit to you? How sure are you that he’s not sleeping with other people on the 6 days of the week you don’t see him? Do you realize that you’re not doing yourself any favors by begging him (yes you are) to marry you? He has zero reason to respect you or even think seriously of you since he knows you’ll always be there.
If I were you I’d tell him perhaps you both should take a break and you’d like to see others during that break. Then watch his reaction. If he’s good with it? Then end it. He has no plans at all to ever marry you. Put your big girl panties on and stop already with the desperation. You are worth more than that.
Usually the next logical step for most couples would be to move in together but you’re telling me you only see each other once a week? After 8 years of dating? Bruh…
He’s not going to marry you. You give him his two years then what? He’s just going to keep stalling and tell you he’s still not ready. Then there goes a decade with someone who can’t decide if they’re ready to commit. I know it’s difficult after being together for so long but it’s time to break it off. Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. If you want marriage and kids, find someone who is one the same page as you because your bf is clearly not.
It seems like this relationship has run its course. You’re more like friends than lovers or partners at this point.
28 is still young. There are so many other people out there who will want what you want.
If he can’t tell you by now that he wants to marry you, then he never will. Don’t keep wasting your time with him.
>and he is alright with breaking up if I really wanted to settle soon, as he is not ready to commit.
The proof is right there.
It’s okay to look for someone who actually loves you.
28 is not too old to start again, and I strongly recommend that you do. You’re not his priority. The way you write it, you sound like little more than a convenience to him. You’re right, he should want to just be in the same room as you, content in doing nothing in particular. He has said he’d rather split than marry you. I suggest you take him at his word. Nothing but misery awaits if you try to fit this square peg into a round hole. (And fwiw he sounds like he’s trying to get you to dump him rather than do the grown up thing with all the things he’s said).
Years ago had a group of colleagues at work who were all women in their mid 30s with non committal bfs. All of them wanted marriage and kids, and they really were on a clock. All of the bfs needed “more time” or “didn’t want to change things”. These were 10y+ relationships, and these women simply got tired of being strung along. All of them ditched their bfs, and started aggressively dating, making it clear they were looking for a life partner to marry and have kids with. Within 3 years, they were all married to men who wanted commitment and 2 had children. You’re 7 years younger than them. I know it’s scary because he’s all you’ve ever known but there is a better man for you out there than this. Someone who will not treat spending time with you like a chore. Good luck OP.
In the nicest way possible, you aren’t his girlfriend. You’re someone he spends a day a week with out of obligation because he feels he should. He doesn’t value you above that.
It’s okay to be with someone who adores you and loves you.
Sorry, but it sounds like he is just not that into you. If he’s telling you point blank that he’s bored in your company, and has to be coerced into spending time with you – girl, no, that’s not the guy you want to marry. Let him grow old in his parents’ basement, while you go find a guy who wants an actual grownup relationship with you!
He loves you.
Just not very much.
Having no friends outside of your partner is unhealthy.
He said he wants to try new things, **what has he planned??**
He’s had eight years, how much longer do you think he will need? How much longer are you willing to stay?
**The youngest you’ll ever be from here forward is 28. If you let time and age be the thing that stands in your way then you’ll only get more regretful daily.**
I’ve been married for 23 years and we love spending time together doing anything and we don’t miss the opportunity to do that. I don’t believe your situation will improve. I think you’re wasting your time and your youth with someone who doesn’t love you enough to want to be with you and just doesn’t end the relationship so you don’t get hurt. From what I hear of stories, he will end up meeting someone else and getting married in a month.
I’m sorry friend but after this much time, a proposal is not going to happen. Break up – you have time to find someone that actually wants to spend time with you.
He’s basically told you he doesn’t see this working out. Believe him.
He’s wasting your time, leave him and find someone who actually wants to be with you.
Marriage and a family are definitely not a possibility if you stay with him, they could be with someone else. Your friend will never be ready to get married, not to you and probably not to anyone. What struck me the most was your description of him acting bored if he saw you more than once a week. This is how he really feels about the friendship. The 8 years that you spent with this person were part of your maturing process. You have grown beyond him. Time to see if there is someone out there to love you as you love them.
He’s not that into you. I’m sorry.
I’d be less concerned about the marriage bit and more concerned that you still only see eachother once a week after 8 years, and he’s *bored*.
Edit: spelling
He doesn’t like hanging out with you and he doesn’t want to move in together and tells you it’s ok if you want to breakup? OP what do you think you should do?
I think he has fallen out of love with you and doesn’t know how to break up. I mean who hangs out with their gf once a week and whines about not being able to go to the gym. You’re still young, find someone who has similar life views as you do.
Girl, this dude doesn’t want to marry you. Get your head out of your ass. He still doesn’t know after *8 years?!?* MOVE ON!
You clearly don’t want the relationship you have, so why are you so afraid of losing it? You need more than he’s capable of. 8 years is enough time to figure out if this is a person you’d like to marry. At this point he’s just stringing you along.
At 27 I left an 8 year relationship for a number of reasons but unwillingness to talk about getting married and what our life looked like was a big reason.
I thought this was the end of alot of dreams for me.
Now at 31 I have been married nearly a year to the greatest man in world, have bought a house and i am pregnant with our first child. I thought I was too old but it all fell into place and turns out I deserved so much more. Best decision ever. Don’t wait any longer to get what you deserve.
He is half assing this relationship from the start. You want settle with his imaginary version of him not the actual one. You should wake up from the delusion and move on.
OK it’s been eight years you have your answer he doesn’t want to marry you. If he wanted to, you would be married by now. You say he only sleeps over once a week and he looks bored. You need to have self-respect for yourself realize you deserve better and move on.
This is exactly what happened to me with my ex, but for real the same story.
At the end, I got tired of talking to him about the situation. He started partying with some co-workers and I surprised him at a bar he was and he was with one of his co-workers and they were flirting, so I confronted him and he said of course nothing was going on. We had a couple of arguments and I decided to break up.
After that, a couple of months later, they became a couple and they are still together and have a kid now and they are married.
It is not the time honey, it is the person. I learned it the hard way.
If he tells you he doesn’t know after 8 years(!), the answer is that he actually does know and he knows he does not want to marry you.
You see each other once a week, and you when you do get to see him more he’s unengaged, uninterested, and bored?
Falling into the same daily routines can be boring in a relationship, but it sounds like you all haven’t even spent enough time together to HAVE a routine. The natural step before engagement for a lot of people is moving in together, and after 8 years he isn’t even interested in that?
OP, this isn’t a relationship. This is an exclusive friends with benefits situation carrying the wrong label. Heck, in the past I had FWBs that i saw and hung out with more than you do your boyfriend of 8 years. Do you want to be just a fuck buddy for the rest of your life to a man who doesn’t want to spend time with you? Because if you stay with him, that’s where this is going.
As a girl who waited five years for a commitment, please listen to me. Cut your losses now. The goal will always move and he will always need more time. He doesn’t want to be with you-he’s too scared to call it off himself. This will hurt. This will suck. There’s no way around that. Pain is inevitable, BUT I again speak from experience there is a better life out there one that fits YOU. You’ve got this girl! Go be FREE and find yourself.
I wasted two decades . Leave .
‘Afraid to lose what we have’
What do you really have? Think about it…you’ve spent 8 years of your life with him and he doesn’t know if he wants to commit. Within that time, you’ve committed to a house, career and car. He’s roughly committed to the same but not you.
He only sees you once a week and complains he’s bored. He doesn’t love you or want to be with you, he’s just settled to what he already had and would know will still be there. The fact he hasn’t even moved in say a lot.
Don’t waste anymore of your time with this guy. There are plenty of men who are ready to commit in under 3 years. When they know they know…trust me…I was in the same boat.
Be single and do what you want! Travel, find your passions and explore your sexuality. Just enjoy your own company. I’m happy I did it after my ex of 6 years, I found myself and realised he was holding me back.
Don’t waste your time with someone who’s struggling to figure out if they want a future with you or not…AFTER 8 YEARS
Break up is what you do.. man only sees you once a week? Your not his priority.. he doesnt love you.. he needs a decade with you to marry you? Yea you gotta go.. you deserve someone better.
Sorry, but he’s just not that into you…please move on.
Honey, he’s been telling you for a while in different ways. He is not the one for you and the same for him. He’d already want to marry you if you were. It’s time to stop wasting each other’s time.
Why stay when there is no future ? After you leaving him, he will marry a random girl
He doesn’t want to marry you. He would have done it long ago, or at the very least proposed even if a wedding was off the cards financially for a time. Don’t let him waste anymore of your time. You shouldn’t be someone ‘option’ you should be swept up because he can’t bare to be without you. Don’t settle for anything less
Are we even going to talk about the fact that this guy is 30 and living at home?
The minute he said was ok with breaking up if you really wanted to settle down was your cue to end the relationship. He spends one night a week with you and complains entire night.. I’m sorry but he’s not going to marry.. he’s enjoying single life and you are wasting your time with him.
He said he’s not interested in seeing you more than once a week and doesn’t want marriage, I mean how much clearer can he be? If he doesn’t love you unconditionally after 8 years, that’s pretty clear. Right?
He’s been your only friend and confidante for the last 8 years? That’s real healthy…..
First off, you’re 28 – not 50, kids are well and truly a thing for a decade and a half minimum. Secondly, sounds like you more or less asked him to marry you, if he hasn’t said “yes”, I’d suggest it’s now time to look elsewhere – this will come back and bite you in the bud… good luck.
I’m 28 too and girl, we still young. I stayed with someone way too long (wasted 7 years of my life) because I was convinced I wouldn’t find anyone else. That came from low self-esteem and not valuing myself. Guess what? Found my current partner a few months later and I have never felt so desired and loved.
Trust that it’s better to be alone than with someone who makes you beg for the bare minimum. You deserve better. You can’t force someone to like and respect you but you can love and respect yourself by not allowing people to take your self worth down and remain in your life without providing any value.
28 is still young. A lot can happen in 2 years and really, life only starts at 30 I’ve been told. Just don’t waste another second on someone who’s obviously not interested in growing up. It sounds like he wants the bachelor life, let him have it.