I have had months of issues with him being controlling (what I wear, who I see/talk to. In one instance, he stated that I should be wearing a bra in my own home and got upset that I didn’t. I have had really bad panic attacks with him and have tried previously to break up with him. This is attempt #2, and my guard is falling again as he keeps saying “love should be enough” and I’m feeling guilty of abandoning him. He is saying that I am not giving him a good enough reason to break up with him as he is working on fixing the controlling factors .
How can I get him to understand that sometimes love isn’t enough for a relationship to survive?
Any advice is appreciated, thank you
40 comments
He is a controlling a-hole, you don’t need a reason to break up with someone, you just need to go.
You don’t need his permission to break up. Breaking up can be a one way street.
You take control…. And LEAVE!!
life is too short !!
never feel guilty !! just finish it off.. better for u and better for him !! dose he want a relationship where u remain out of sympathy? !
I will set with him and explain u both need a break .. he can work on his controlling issue !!
and may missing u will help him change that !! but if no change in his life, nothing will change.. he must have the break for both of u to check how u both feel.
Am sorry to tell u .. by asking this is not bcz u hope he change but to make the break up easier step by step.. bcz sadly men won’t change .. he will always be controlling ,, so if break up is an issue.. then try half of break up .. a break ..then go to a breakup later step by step.
The longer you stay, the more toxic it’ll become. Tell him honestly that you’d rather leave with some respect for him. The longer you stay, the more disgust you’ll have.
He is saying that I am not giving him a good enough reason to break up with him
GOOD NEWS, chaoticneutral123, you do not need to give him a “good enough” reason, or any reason at all.
“I do not want to be in this relationship anymore, I am breaking up with you.” And then you are broken up. He does not have to agree, or like it.
The fact that you want to break up with him is the only thing that matters.
If you’ve let him control your actions in the past, stop that now.
It’s not like you’re firing him of a job, you don’t need to show cause.
You don’t want to be with him anymore, period.
“I don’t feel happy in this relationship anymore. Im sorry, but i have to move on. I’m leaving you /please move out”.
It doesn’t take someone else’s permission to break up
You want to break up, tell him and move on
“I’m breaking up with you. Don’t ever contact me again.” ~ is all you need to say. It doesn’t need debate or argument.
You don’t need his permission to break up and you don’t need any reason other than you want out. Break. Block. Move/change locks. Make others aware. Don’t respond. Ever.
Break up with a text message then immediately block him so he can’t guilt you
Dating is a time to decide if two people are compatible. It’s okay to decide you are not, at any time, for any reason. “I don’t want to be with you anymore” is a reason. He doesn’t need to agree. Usually I saybe kind and move on, but in this case, kindness isn’t necessary.
You don’t need a “good enough” reason to break up with anybody, even though you listed several that were plenty enough. Nobody owes anyone else a relationship. You’re not going to get him to understand because he doesn’t want to understand. He’s manipulating and guilt tripping you. You don’t need his permission to move the fuck on with your life.
“Abandoning him.” That is a grown ass man, not your infant or a puppy you’re leaving on the side of the highway. Good grief.
The thing is, you do not need” a good enough reason” beacuse he will in fact deny, deflect and manipulate you to control everything you say and use it against you. Just leave. you said it yourself, you had a panic attack, this does sound like abuse not love.
Also, it’s something to consider: men that act like this do so because of projecting.
With people like this it’s good to have a friend there so they don’t feel as emboldened to gaslight you or try to talk you out of your own feelings.
Get a witness, get him out, change your locks, change your phone number if you have to, and be vigilant. People like this don’t take well to no – clearly.
Best of luck to you, you can do it. You don’t owe anyone shit if they are making you feel mentally/emotionally/physically unsafe!
He doesn’t get a say. Tell him that it’s over. And if he keeps bothering you, that you will consider it harassment and will have to contact the police. Then follow through on that threat.
Dad , brother , uncle ,cousin, good friend, or , sometimes, a really crazy sister works too . A pissed off aunt or mom ….
You don’t owe him an explanation for breaking up. You decide it’s not what you want and inform him you are breaking up. That’s all there is to it. You don’t need to feel guilty for being in control of your life and wanting better.
He doesn’t need to understand. You can leave even if he’s confused. “We are broken up, don’t contact me again” means that you are broken up, regardless of whether he likes it or not.
He understands just fine. He’s just unwilling to release his control over you. But the relationship is now over. You have broken up with him. He no longer controls you. Take your bra off, tell him where he can shove it when he complains, and tell him to take his things and leave.
He doesn’t need to agree or understand. You don’t need permission oor a reason.
YOU ALREADY TOLD HIM so just leave and never speak to him again.
Block him YOU DON”T LOVE HIM.
>How can I get him to understand that sometimes love isn’t enough for a relationship to survive?
The bad news is that you probably can’t. The good news is that his approval isn’t required. Text or email “it’s over” and then block him on everything.
You are an adult woman. Why you need to have a man give you permission to leave him Is something that should be discussed with a therapist. Just finish it.
In the meantime. https://youtu.be/ABXtWqmArUU?si=fsJejS0ZW50gEEOx
He is manipulating and controlling you. Stop letting him. Block him. He is toxic. He doesn’t care at all. He doesn’t love you. He just knows what to say to you to get you to cave. You are cutting off his supply of attention, he’ll say whatever he thinks will work.
You are pushing 50, come on now. You should know that you don’t need his permission to move on.he does not have to understand anything. Just go
Breaking up does not require two-party consent. His behavior IS still controlling. Run, block him, do whatever to get him out of your life.
No one can give you permission to break up with them, that’s not how it works. It sounds like you’ve tried to amicable and courteous approach and he’s not getting it. Find support in friends or family, tell them you’re breaking up with him, have stuff ready to go and tell him it’s over and then get outta there.
He’s only going to get more controlling – having some people on your side who are in the know will only assist you.
You know what you need and want, you gotta go for it, the only other option is staying in a very unhappy place and is that really an option at all?
This post is scary to me and he has all of the signs of a man willing to kill you if you try to leave him. Plan your exit strategically. I’m sorry if I scared you but everything about this does not sit well with me.
You don’t have to “get him to understand” anything. You do what’s best for you, because you have self respect. If needed, you block him, or change the locks. No one controls you.
I think you may need a protection order. This guy does not dound healthy.
He says he’s “working on” his controlling behaviours, but he thinks I’m all seriousness that he gets to make choices for you, like whether or not to break up. LOL THE IRONY
This shows exactly how much he needs to leave. Make sure you have everything important (like passports etc) in a safe place. Call a domestic violence hotline to help make a plan for how to break up and get out safely.
It takes 2 yes to enter a relationship but only one no to end it. You can end a relationship for any reason or no reason at all. Leave him!!!
Guess what, you don’t need his permission. Stay broken up and tell him to buzz off.
You don’t need to ask his fkg permission to break up with him.
Just ghost him.
1) You don’t need a reason to break up although it sounds like you have more than enough reasons to tell him to bugger off.
2) It’s not a negotiation. “I’m breaking up with you. It’s done. No discussion or negotiating. We’re over. Don’t contact me. If you show up at my house, I’m calling the cops.”
You don’t have to give him an excuse. You telling him it is over is all! You sound like you are about to stay with him. Do you live with him? Leave when he’s not home and don’t tell him. Then block him. If you don’t live with him, block him and change your locks if he has a key. You’ve already told him you are breaking up. He cannot make you stay with him. Tell friends, tell family, tell everyone-even his family – he’s trying to make me stay. I feel threatened, I am scared. I feel like I’m in danger (if that is true). You don’t have to get him to understand anything. That’s not your job. He’s going to pretend he doesn’t get it. Get a good support system around you. If you live together, have friends or male family members move your things for you.
Recognize this is abusive behavior on his part. He is a grown man not a child you abandon. You don’t need a reason to break up but his controlling behavior is a good reason. Text him the relationship is over. There wil be no further contact. Then block him or get a new phone number. Go stay somewhere he knows nothing about for at least two weeks. If you can move even better. Get security cameras, including your car. If he shows up at your work call the police to trespass him. Document everything in case you need a restraining order. If his behavior rscalates go see counselors at closest domestic violence shelter to get a safety plan. Good luck.
It’s pretty funny that, in the same sentence, tells you you haven’t given a good enough reason to break up as he’s working on fixing the control issues. 😂
You don’t owe him an explanation. He’s a manipulator for trying to pull the abandonment card. Love isn’t a panic attack. Control issues can be difficult to overcome – that’s not your problem. I hope you can get a clean break from him.
Reframe this. He can’t stop you from dumping him.
You are allowing him to bully you into staying with him.
Be strong. Choose yourself. Text him then block him if you must. You don’t need his agreement to dump him. You don’t need a reason to dump him. He doesn’t have to understand.
He doesn’t need to understand that love is not enough. It’s not your job to make him understand, and frankly, it’s not important that he does.
He can’t “let” you break up with him. Your rational brain knows your relationship is unhealthy. You don’t want to be with him anymore. You’ve told him. It’s done.
Cease contact. You’re broken up.
With these types of relationships, it takes an average of 7 attempts to successfully break up.
Sometimes you cannot successfully break up with someone in person because they refuse to accept it and will talk rings around you until they wear you out until your physically, mentally, and emotionally numb. These people may suffer from narcissistic or borderline personality disorder and have a very deep seated fear of abandonment, so they behave this way to stop you from leaving them. Not a lot of people would have had the experience of meeting and going through something like this (they’re lucky). This is my personal experience.
Here is my advice, if you are living together:
1. Assess your living circumstances and make plans to leave SAFELY. Advise a trusted friend or family member and take a few important things such as passports, jewellery, important documents and give it to them for safe keeping.
2. Make sure you keep the peace whilst you prepare for a safe window to leave. Know their routines and make mental note of when it would be a good time to do so. Keep a small backpack or small luggage packed, or be able to quickly pack it in case you need to leave quickly.
3. If you can and if they won’t notice (because these people are very self absorbed), try and pack some of your things and move it to your safe persons place in advance.
4. Make plans to stay somewhere with a trusted friend or family member or even on your own in Airbnbs for a few weeks if you can afford it. I stayed in 2 separate airbnbs with some lovely people then went to my sisters place which was in a safe, gated apartment block.
5. LEAVE. When the time is right, LEAVE as soon as you can, quickly and quietly. Block him on EVERYTHING.
6. When you can, make plans to go back and get the rest of your stuff when it’s safe. Either make sure you have a trusted friend or family member with you, otherwise be prepared to leave some of your belongings behind forever – it’s just stuff.
Good luck OP and keep safe. Its very difficult to leave someone like this as I know you may be emotionally worn out but you can do it.