Hi everyone.
Sorry if this is all over the place, I have ADHD and never used Reddit before, at least not to post anything, my self.
So the issue it self is very simpel. I invited my cousin to my baby shower, a few weeks from now, because growing up, we were really close, but drifted away as we became late teens early adults. She’s also pregnant, with her husband, with a good job, and from what I can tell, a really good life.
I sent her the message, and was left on read, for about 5 days, but didn’t think anything of it, she’s probably just busy. But last night, she finally answered:
“You know. I would, I really would. But I just can’t. You don’t deserve me there, you don’t deserve anyone there. You are a really horrible, despicable, crabby excuse of a person. I’ve bit my tongue, I’ve been the mature one here, for years of your abuse and gaslighting, and I’m done.”
I was literally just so.. Confused? Hurt, but mostly just confused. I tried calling, texting, everything, but I think she blocked me. Her mom messaged today, telling me, what she has been told. That I stole her life. My fiancé was her best friend, when they were kids, and everyone thought that they would get together, and she truly loved him. She felt like, every family gathering, every photo posted, every big announcement from me, was rubbing it in her face, that I “stole” her man.
I. Was. Flabbergasted.
I knew nothing about this, at all! I knew they were friend when they were kids, but thats it. I didn’t know she liked him. I didn’t know she felt this way. I feel horrible. I have been in a relationship with my fiancé for 6 years now, but we were also together as teens, and she never said anything.
My fiancé told me, this evening, that she said she liked him when they were 12, but he didn’t like her like that, so they just stayed friends, but thats the only thing he can think off, that would be a hint to all of this. He had no idea. I also remember her afterwards, every time she introduced me, to a guy she liked, she would ask me, to please not take him from her, which I thought was super weird, but I didn’t think anything more of it
Im just torn, like.. What do I do? How do I fix this? I don’t want anyone to feel this way, but it’s not like I did it on purpose
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Edit: Okay so I expected maybe one or two answers, this is overwelming (in a good way), but I’m going to address some things. English isn’t my first language, so the grammatical errors, and misspelling, is due to that. I do also have ADHD, and due to the pregnantcy I’m not on the medication for it.
Also, my aunt, Cousin’s mom just relayed the message. She has always been really supportive of my relationship, and I don’t think she knew her daughter felt this way, at all. She has told us, everytime she sees us, how happy she is for me, so I don’t think she’s feeding in to her daughters “delusions”.
As for why I would want to fix it. I’m a doormat. I HATE people being upset with me, I’ve done the therapy sessions and really tried to work on it, but it’s never really worked. I would jump infront of a train for a stranger, if it meant you would like me. It sucks, and I know its wrong, but I can’t help it.
I also just hate the thought of her hurting, because of something I did, knowingly or not.
My fiance is a very calm, and mellow person, so he didn’t have any big emotions, but he held me, and told me it wasn’t my fault. He would support any decision I make
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Update: I spoke to my aunt early this morning, about the whole thing, and I told her, that I would love a change to talk it out, and apologize for any wrong doing, on my end. I don’t want Cousin to feel like this, I just want her to be okay. My aunt called me back a little later, and asked if I could come by later today (which was 2-3 hours ago), and I just got home, and I am drained, to say the very least. Everything isn’t sorted, but most is out there. She got really angry, then really sad, angry again, apologetic and it was an emotional rollercoaster for the both of us. I don’t even know where to begin.
I’m not gonna tell you our conversation, just “our” relationship, from my eyes.
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When we were kids, we were best friends. We were always together. I then got an ED at the age of 12-13, and all she talked about, was how beautiful I was. How she wanted to look like me, asked how much I weighted, what I ate, and so on. I always told her, NOT to be like me, being in my body sucked. I hated myself. That is the first time I remember her being “obsessed” with me (obsessed might be a big word, but it was a lot)
Age 15: She then introduced me to Fiance. They were best friends and thats all I knew. I laid eyes on him, for the first time, and I fell in love. (Keep in mind, I was 15, I would have fallen in love with anyone, who was nice to me) We started talking constantly, but he liked another girl (ouch my heart) so I dated someone else. But Cousin knew about us liking eachother.
Age 16: She then starts seeing a guy, and wants to meet up with him, while Im there, and tells me, “Please don’t take this one, I really like him..” I was confused, cause I’ve never (what I knew at the time) gone for a boy she liked, but I just said sure. We were there for a few hours, with a couple of other people, and all I talked about was the guy I was seeing. (It was so cringe, but come on, I was 16.) That seemed to make her feel much better.
Age 16-17: She meets a guy, who she really likes. They were together for a while, he seemed nice. She kept asking what I thought, I said just that. She asked if he was my type, and I said no, (cause he wasn’t), and we moved on. I became friendly with him, talking with him, when the 3 of us would hang out, but that was it. Later they break up, and she asks me, if we have slept together, and I said, of course not. But apparently, he said he liked me. Again, I didn’t know. He then 2 months later start messaging me, talking about her, and I assume he misses her. He then invites me and a girlfriend of mine to a party with his friends, and my girlfriend begged to go, and doormat here, says yes. He then, after some drinks, kisses me, with a friend of his taking a picture. I get upset, and tell him to stop. He threatens to send the evidence to my family and then no one would want anything to do with me. So I shut up, but ask my friend if we can go, but she tells me to stop being dramatic. This goes on for months. If I don’t send explicit photos, he’ll tell everyone. If I don’t sleep with him, he’ll show them the photos, now who will they believe. At the end of 16, I decide to move away, I couldn’t take it anymore. I told him to do what he wanted, but I was done. I wasn’t even a person anymore. I was just someone guys wanted to sleep with, that was my reputation. And that’s when Cousin and I fell apart. Fiance was my only friend, but he didn’t know any of this.
18-21: I come back after spending almost 2 years on myself, and my self esteem. I’m the best I’ve ever been.
21-25: Meet my ex, who does things to me, I can’t write, without breaking the rules.
26-now: I start seeing fiance again, and I get better. I have such a calm life, and I feel loved, and cherished. He makes me feel like a person, and I love him for that.
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I know I have fucked up, a lot in my life, I know I have been a bad person. I have left a lot out, but this is the gist. She isn’t psycho, she has just seen her cousin fuck her over, so much. I don’t even think its about fiance, I think it’s just about me, being a really bad person to her
30 comments
Why do you think this is something you can “fix”?
To think she bottled up all the resentful emotions towards you and made up a scenario throughout the years only to blurt it out in a text after your baby shower. She blocked you, I don’t think it would be wise to patch up anything with her.
She needs to grow the hell up and let go of HER jealousy.
She’s pissed off that the person who loves you, only gave her the friendship interactions.
You NEVER rubbed your engagement in her face.
SHE interpreted you being happy as rubbing your fiance and your wonderful life in her face, for years.
She could have said something and never did. That is on her.
She could greatly benefit from therapy and a lot of it.
Tell your cousin she’s not a victim. She’s welcome to come over to your house any evening, talk to (fiance) and claim what, in her view, is her rightful property which according to her you could only have stolen. But you’re afraid said property of hers may have enough brain cells and life experience after all to refuse to get into her car, unlike one of her old stuffed animals from childhood. And if so, you would love to hear her definition of property theft.
Tell her you look forward to seeing her soon so you can straighten out this little misunderstanding.
You should also forward these messages to her husband.
Mainly because the poor chump deserves to know your cousin is using him while obsessing constantly about her cousin’s fiance.
You can’t fix it. Anyone rational will look at this and say she had a crush on somebody as a 12-year-old and he didn’t reciprocate it so that’s that. But apparently she can’t let it go and if you even breathe wrong around her she’s going to think you’re doing it on purpose! You might as well just wash your hands of this whole mess because she’s not going to forgive you for what she perceives you as doing… But it’s something you didn’t even do!
This is really toxic! The idea that just because you like somebody means that anybody else that goes out with them is stealing them from you is gross! You didn’t steal her life because it was never hers to begin with… It was a fantasy! Honestly, this isn’t worth it! She’s always going to feel this way just because she can’t grow up and get past it. I would tell her mom the truth and then drop it.
She may be mentally ill. Sounds like my buddy did when he was in the early stages of his schizophrenia.
This one is so hard. Tbh, I don’t know if this is something you can fix. I think if it is ever to be resolved, it has to be an extension from her to you first.
She’s resented and obsessed over this for years despite having a husband and a child on the way. Maybe it’s the hormones, maybe things aren’t going well at home, but whatever it is, it’s not your fault. This is out of your control.
You didn’t rub anything in her face.
Her anger is seriously misplaced. It’s not you fault that your fiancé didn’t want to date her. You didn’t steal anything from her. Please tell me your family isn’t agreeing with your cousin.
In my opinion, you can’t fix this. This is a her issue. It has nothing to do with you. Don’t tell me she expects you to break up with you fiancé 😂
and she’s married ?? Like??? What is going on ??
I don’t think there’s anything for you to fix, or anything you can do right now. She confessed at 12, and got turned down. She chose to harbor resentment over the fact that her crush didn’t choose her for almost 20 years. She’s made that resentment a part of her, and the only thing that will help begin to reverse that is for her to come to the conclusion that she needs to start letting go.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You met someone and fell in love just like any other person. You didn’t know any of this was brewing in her other than the micro aggressions and side comments that she would let slip. This isn’t your fault at all. And you can’t control how she feels. Only she can.
I’m sorry she directed all of her anger out on you. You didn’t deserve that, and congratulations to you and your husband.
She has some serious issues, she definitely needs some professional help.
There’s nothing for you to fix. You did nothing wrong. She never told you, and even if she had it was a crush from age 12- it’s not like it’s her ex. I would just block her everywhere and pretend she doesn’t exist. I would also send a note to her husband and tell him that she’s so angry that she’s not married to your husband she’s lashing out at you and telling everyone you stole her life, so he may want to evaluate if he wants to be with someone who so desperately wants to be with someone else.
She’s married, she needs to get over her first crush and recognize that she never had any claim on him. Never accepted that your husband is his own person in his own right. She is creepily attached to your husband. Both of you should block her on all social media and not invite her to anything. If you and your husband are at the same event be coolly polite and don’t share anything. Respect her wishes. If others ask what going on explain you are deferring to her wishes and make her explain that her issues to the curious.
Your cousin had a crush on a boy who didn’t like her back. You didn’t know. She is going to hold onto the bitterness against you because otherwise she would need to consider that she wasn’t the one for him. Her poor partner.
Anyway, unless there’s a ton of other behaviors you’re not sharing in this post, she needs to work on herself.
Are you by any chance called Jolene?
Imagine being the cousin’s husband….
You don’t fix it. Your cousin has issues if she is obsessed with some dude she had a crush on when she was a kid. Do yourself a favor and steer clear of that crazy train!
Yeesh, her mama needs to get her into some kind of treatment. Who obsesses like that over unrequited 7th grade love?
She has a husband and a baby on the way and she still holds this hate in her heart? This woman has a real problem and her husband should know she still carries a torch for another man.
this is definitely a “her” issue and it’s not up to you to fix it because you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. i can’t imagine holding onto childhood crush that it effects your adult life to this extent, i feel sorry for her husband.
I’d let her mom and husband know transpired, what your husband said because she sounds unhinged and they should keep an eye on her. That’s not normal behavior. Don’t let her near you, your baby, or your home.
She claimed someone that was never “hers”. Even your fiance says that the feelings were not reciprocated. What absolute bullshit. She’s married, but hasn’t moved on.
If she wants to be bitter, let her. Don’t waste your time.
Her poor husband. She’s married, pregnant, and in love with a man she hasn’t had meaningful contact with in over a decade, not since they were both still children. What a horrible thing for her husband to have to live with.
You can’t fix anything. She was into someone who wasn’t into her. Instead of coping in a healthy way, she’s remained obsessed and resentful for over a decade. She needs therapy, and it can only help if she recognizes that this is fucked up. And it doesn’t sound like she’s open to that.
First, you don’t apologize, as you did nothing wrong. She had the opportunity to unburden her offense to you back when you were in high school, but instead, kept a smile on her face, but was seething with fury at you. As you aged, you “slid apart”, but it was intentional on her part, as her anger with you had gelled into what the Bible calls “a root of bitterness”. When emotions have deteriorated to this extent, only help from a therapist, priest, or pastor can help this root of bitterness dissolve, and she won’t be able to endure your presence in order to talk it out with you, and in truth, it would be better for her unborn child if she didn’t try to deal with this now.
If you can, explain to her mother that you never intentionally caused your cousin pain, and was unaware that she had feelings for the man who became your fiancé.
I wish you well.
There is nothing to fix. Her problems are far above your pay grade. Her tortured ‘logic’ **screams bunny-boiler vibes!** Hide the bunnies!
I feel bad for her husband if she’s still pining for a childhood crush.
OP, it’s not worth it, I think you need to start making peace with making peace with the whole thing. There’s not much more you can do without seriously crossing her boundaries. Just one of those things you have to move forward from and accept that there isn’t much you can do.
Your cousin has been hurting for a really long time, and that doesn’t just go away when the person they felt was causing the pain says that they had no idea… it probably makes it worse.
It’s really shit for you, you lost an old friend and a family member to their resentment and jealousy, but you didn’t do anything wrong here.
I’m sorry this is happening, and just shows that bottled up pain and resentment can spread so fast, it’s poisonous. Let this be a lesson that keeping these feeling in spreads like rot, don’t hold that shit in.
Don’t fix this friendship. She clearly has jealousy issues and the only thing she will introduce in your life is drama. It sucks to lose a friend, even if they are blood related, but you’ll be better off.
You haven’t been a bad person to her. Going to go through ur update bit by bit to hopefully outline that to you
Age 12/13: it is absolutely not ur fault that you had an ED, and her idolising ur body in that state is a societal issue NOT a problem you created
Age 15: you didn’t know she had a crush on him, she never told you. It is perfectly reasonable to form crushes on family members friends— if she told you she’d liked him first when you told her about the crush, things might be slightly different, but even then only slightly because you were literal teenagers
Age 16: again, she could’ve used this as a chance to expand on wtf she meant by ‘don’t take this one’. You aren’t and weren’t a mind reader
Age 16/17: ABSOLUTELY not ur fault. U made friends with a close family members partner, that reasonable!!! The fact that he was coercive and abusive is a problem with HIM, not with you. Him having a crush on you while dating her is also a problem with him, not you. You were I bc a sexually abusive situation at a very vulnerable age, and if she’s at all blaming you for that she is not someone you should want in your life anyway
And after that, the working on urself and relationship with ur fiancé is all positive! You deserve to be happy and healthy and be in a good, mutually loving relationship, especially considering ur first relationship post working on urself was also abusive. You have done nothing wrong and the fact that ur cousin is making you feel like a bad person over ur relationship with ur fiancé when a) she never even told you she liked him in the first place, b) only ever mentioned being interested in him to him as a 12 year old, and c) ur fiancé wasn’t interested in her ever anyway (meaning you literally can’t have ‘stolen’ him from her, because he was never hers in the first place) is something that says a lot more about her than it does you.
I know you said you’ve tried therapy in the past, but I genuinely think trying again would be beneficial to you. There are multiple different types of therapy that may be more beneficial if u look into them, and also sometimes it comes down to ur specific therapist. I’m really hoping that ur able to reflect on this situation some day (if not now) and realise that it’s all on her and not on you 💜💜💜
“She isn’t psycho, she has just seen her cousin fuck her over”
Wait what? Are you saying you fucked her over? Because you didn’t. You just existed, and then later got abused. That’s not you fucking her over. You didn’t even get into a relationship with your fiancé until you were well into adulthood, so she had plenty of time to try dating him.
Yeah that age 16-17 event, as traumatic as it is for you and as much as I empathize, I see how if she didn’t know she would see it as betrayal. I hope she believes you, but it sounds like she’s been jealous of your looks for a long time and there’s nothing you can do: you can try to uplift her, but the men she sees give you compliments. tbh screw the cousin.