I (32M) have been married to my wife (33F) for 10 years, been together 15+ years. Up until about 2 years, we were both satisfied and happy with our sex life.
Now however, it doesn’t matter when or how many times I initiate sex, there is always a reason why we can’t. Usually we have sex less than once a week. There is the odd time I’ll get “maintenance” sex more than once in a week, but as I’ve explained, I’m not interested in a quickie she feels obligated to give. Her excuses range from:
I’m not in mood
I’m tired
I don’t feel good
We already did this week isn’t it ever enough
Any time she is feeling into it, the encounter usually goes like this:
I’ll give her Foreplay for 30-40 minutes, massage, manual stimulation, toys, oral whatever I can do to drive her crazy. Then after that, I either get quick sex (starting from nothing as the foreplay was ALL for her), or a dry handjob for about 5 minutes max and I guess she considers that equal. I don’t give with the intention of receiving, but at some point it would be nice to receive as much effort as I give. It honestly feels like she tries to just finish me quick so she can roll over and play on her phone until she falls asleep.
I have had multiple talks/discussions with her to explain maintenance sex with 0 foreplay isn’t something I’m interested in. I’d rather have no sex than pity sex. If neither of us are into it, whats the point? All it does it reset her internal counter for “days since last sex” and allows another excuse to not have actual physical intimacy later in the week.
I have also made sure to explain, Sex isn’t just getting off for me. Sex is how I feel close, emotionally connected and intimate with her. My attempts at explanations are usually met with comments along the lines of “there’s more to a relationship than sex” or some kind of comment implying all I want is sex. If that were truely the case, I wouldn’t be here seeking advice. I would have just left. I am trying to be understanding as I know I high sex drive, and hers is low but something has to give.
I’m kind of at my Witts end here. Less than 6 months ago, we had what I thought was a productive conversation. I told her I needed sex more than once every two weeks (or less) and she expressed she never “wants” sex, but she isn’t dissatisfied when we do have sex, and often times she’s not opposed to sex, she just genuinely never thinks about it. I got to thinking and researching, eventually I stumbled onto a different Reddit thread where someone recommended getting multiple coloured silicon bracelets, and wearing them to indicate if it’s a night where me initiating would be accepted or not. The idea being there was a bracelet for yes and no, and she would wear one every night (to build and enforce making it a habbit). Despite me reminding her every 3 weeks about them and putting them into visible places and giving reminders through out the day in some cases, she has used them a total of 2 times.
This has resulted in me just completely shutting down, I no longer initiate sex, and actively turn down attempts at maintenance quickies.
I have no idea how to move forward here. I’ve been open, I’ve communicated, I’ve attempted to implement low effort solutions, and even settled on getting less to get something. All I’m asking is attempting to have more than a no foreplay quickie once a week.
In our discussions (6 months ago) we discussed that her emotional needs weren’t being met as she’d like, and I’ve been stepping up try and meet them. I even devised a system to ensure its being done. I have ADHD, and I forget tasks around the house alot. I took care of that and asked her to instead of verbally yelling across the house and me having to remember that thing, I ask her to just type it into any instant messenger, and I handle making a list of things I need to remember and prioritizing with her input. I’ve stopped trying to fix her problems to let her vent so she can feel heard,.I started taking the kids out of the house more frequently to give her time to fully relax on her own terms and have time to herself.
It just feels like I’m pulling all the weight here. I’m sure from her perspective, she’s feelingly differently, but what else can I do? I’ve tried to start the conversations, and have been open myself.
Divorce isn’t an option I am willing to entertain. I don’t resent her, or hate her, but at this point, I feel completely alone in my own home.
We aren’t just staying together for the kids, we do love each other, but we are clearly on separate planets when it comes to the question of “What does sex mean to me”
Any advice?
29 comments
Once a week is not high sex drive. I would recommend couples therapy, and if she’s not willing, therapy for yourself.
How old are the kids?
Sorry.
Maybe a sex therapist?
Honestly is she taking any meds that might reduce her sex drive? Is there something else going on that she might not want to talk about?
I’m sorry if this comes across as judgmental, but I’m actually not, I’m actually just really curious.
But did you not think of this before agreeing to have 4 kids? I mean, regardless of how well you split up the duties and all… 4 kids is just a ton of work for 2 people to do (even with family help). Never mind the physical demands, but emotionally and energetically, that’s just a fucking lot to handle. I’m not surprised she is more interested in some chill alone time than having sex.
I just feel like, if sex is actually such a big priority for you, then why did you have 4 kids? I think that’s one of the reasons more people nowadays are having 1-2 kids max… they actually want a life outside of child rearing.
I think it might be too late brother.
Please make an appointment to see a Somatic Sexologist in your area. Seeing a Somatic Sexologist saved our marriage & turned it around to where we are now more in love with each other than when we first married. We were in a dead bedroom for 10+ years. We only saw her twice & after seeing her the first time, it was Pandora’s box of goodies for us that awaited us when we got home.
We were that close to walking out & filing for divorce. If our marriage was saved by seeing a Somatic Sexologist, it can happen to anyone & they can see the chance for themselves. Very doable & possible. Best of luck 🤞
Your wife is mentally, physically, exhausted.
I had the same issues with my wife and with all of the things it ended up being that her body just stopped producing testosterone. Her hormones were completely out of order. We have gotten that fixed and sex happens all the time now. With all the stress of kids and birth it puts a lot on a woman and the same as for men if a women’s testosterone plummets and their estrogen and cortisol are through the roof sex is non existent. Just something to look into
You omitting the fact that you have 4 fucking kids under 10 and one is A YEAR OLD is the bigger issue. You think that has nothing to do with it? THAT IS the largest issue and probably the biggest thing affecting your sex life.
So are y’all still doing dates and stuff? Cause I’m wondering if that’s a factor here. It can be hard to feel attracted to someone and attractive by someone if there’s no real mutual erotic and emotional build up. Especially if there’s a bunch of needy kids around all the time and then there’s you going “hey, we have that pencilled in sex appointment, chop chop.” You might want to Google “touched out” for discussions of what I’m talking about.
If the youngest kid is less than a year old, a lot of this may legit just be the fact that she’s overwhelmed by having a stack of kids in a short period of time ans things may improve in a few years, assuming you guys stop having kids.. Is she still breastfeeding? Cause that alone can nuke your libido hormonally.
This isn’t a good sub for this query. These types of questions just bring on either: blaming you for not doing enough or accusations of cheating on her part.
You need a professional translator that will hear you both and help y’all get back in sync.
And honestly? Your kids are small. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Keep working at it, and keep communicating.
I also think it’s fair to say something like: “I’m willing to be here with you through this, but you need to be aware that this dynamic doesn’t work for me, long term. I love you but I’m feeling a lack of connection and Iim feeling rejected. I’m still in love with you and I will wait for you to understand. How can WE fix this TOGETHER, in a way that works for BOTH of us?”
And honestly? I know how hard it is to have serious conversations when you have a lot of kids. You have to literally hire a babysitter just to have a private conversation. So this isn’t something that is solved in one conversation with one solution. You chip away at it everyday. And you give your partner patience and grace and you love them through hard times. You have the same conversation over and over and over until you can both hear what the other is saying and be heard by them. Or you realize things can’t be fixed and you do the hard work of letting go.
How’s your intimacy outside of sex? I.e kissing, holding hands, flirting? Sex is hard especially with so many young kids but I’m wondering if you’re missing the romance and if working on those aspects would make this (hopefully) temporary lack of sex easier to cope with. I’m not gonna jump down your throat, I know you’ve seen the other comments.
Do you talk to each other about adult stuff that isn’t:
1. About the kids or household chores
2. About finances
3. Complaining about how stressful life is
4. Wanting to have sex?
With 4 kids under 10 it sounds like there’s barely any time to be a couple anymore. Or even be friends aside from coparents. That might be meaning her brain is just on “mom mode” rather than seeing you in a sexy/romantic light.
Are you sure this isn’t my soon to be ex writing this?? Hello? Is that you??  Yeah, this is about the point in our relationship where it died. Took over 4 years to get there but it also took me wanting a divorce for him to actually listen!! Of course, I don’t know why now, why not 4 years ago when I WAS emotionally invested. If she’s saying she’s not feeling her emotional needs are being met, she’s likely checking out. I’m not trying to project here but I seriously feel this could be my own situation with my other saying the exact same things. As women, we do typically have lower sex drives over time and that will change with perimenopause coming up as mine did. (like waking up for the first time after a long dead sleep). Make sure you’re meeting her emotional needs before then if she’s like me and suddenly wakes up alive and ready to go one day but without the emotional investment, sorry, it’s hard to make that work. The hurt, frustration, resentment, all builds up and the lack of actual hearing, actual action, actual listening and caring enough to change is now overcome by the face of another man in her sexual fantasies. Too far? Just sharing from my own experience and perspective after a VERY LONG relationship, over half my life. Don’t let it get to that point. If you want to save the marriage, get marital counseling and learn to actually hear what she’s saying. Men are stubborn and refuse to change without great effort or accommodation. Good luck.
As a woman I have a low-ish sex drive. I can tell you that being overwhelmed/exhausted will absolutely prevent me from wanting to do anything. What really helps is when my husband tells me how much he loves me and shows his appreciation for me and takes the time to really connect emotionally and make me feel desired for not just my body but my mind and what I bring to his life. I also notice when he goes out of his way to take care of things around the house without being told what to do.
Make a conscious effort to have a passionate conversation with her and tell her how much you love her. It really connects you. Also just ask her what her love language is, ask her about the hottest sexual experiences she had with you, ask her about new links or what sounds exciting and different.
Wishing you luck!!
Make your connection and intimate time about the relationship and the two of you, and with time and consistency sex may be possible.
Even in your post it’s clear it’s not about sex even for you. It’s about intimate connection in your relationship… start there and sex will follow.
were the kids planned? maybe she’s afraid of getting pregnant again since she is doing most of the work with the kids now!!
Your partner is fucking tired and sex becoming something she needs to provide for you rather than something that is on her terms as a way to relax and play is damaging your guys relationship.
Creating a sex quota she has to meet on top of managing family duties and work is just insane.
It’s not going to be an overnight change, especially with 4 kids??? Stress in my childless life makes me prone to avoiding sex, I can’t imagine what she’s going through. Additionally she physically birthed 4 children, one quite recently. Do you understand the trauma that the body goes through???
Loosen up, focus more on getting your guys life in order and the sex will follow. Pressing for it is just going to make things worse, stop taking it personal and be a partner.
I think you two need marriage counseling. For a variety of issues, but I’ll share what stands out most to me.
The first thing I get from this, is how sex has been turned into this tense, hostile, abrasive topic. Not by anyone’s fault specifically, but if you are communicating this to her (verbally or non verbally) I’m sure she feels inadequate, a failure, overwhelmed, overused … any combination of these. And it’s hard to have a positive, enthusiastic response to this kind of feedback.
Secondly, have you asked what she wants out of sex? I get a lot of frustration from you, but also this sense that you want more foreplay, which means you want what’s right because healthy sex = foreplay. Not necessarily. What does SHE want? And there’s a high likelihood she wont tell you off the bat. Hence the therapy. And, I think the response to this would naturally be, “we had great sex before and she was happy enough then!”
Maybe that’s true. Maybe she changed, we all do. Maybe it wasn’t enough for her. Maybe she’s tired of putting on a front. Maybe not. But a lot of the disconnect here is a ton of assumption – maybe on both of your parts. I would challenge you to not assume that you previously knew everything you needed to sexually satisfy her – I am still learning new things about my husband of 10 years. Don’t put her in a box.
Therapy can teach you how to communicate. How to trust, understand, empathize and relate, as a couple. I think it would be invaluable for you two.
Hey OP, read the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M Gottman and Nan Silver. You can get it as cheap as $4 on eBay plus shipping or you can check it out for free at your local library.
I’m recommending you read this book (preferably with your wife, although it’s not required) to understand how your marriage and sex life can improve. If you want more effort from your wife, what needs to be addressed is your emotional connection with each other, because based on what your wife has directly told you, she feels like all you want is sex.
Even if you feel it is not true, and it looks like you are making an effort to address her concerns, you should read this book. It could be the way you are talking and communicating with her. Despite loving her, it looks like you may be viewing her through the eyes of contempt at this stage of your marriage.
If you truly don’t want to read the book, [try reading this article summary](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/) which explains the concept of the four horsemen in the book.
Could it be she has anxiety that the kids are going to wake up when you’re doing it?
Maybe she’s tired?
Maybe she’s depressed. If she has to tell you to do something, that can cause resentment and that feeling builds up.
Is your personal hygiene good?
Maybe she’s just not into sex anymore. You’d have to hear why from her.
I have a dead bedroom with my husband and he has adhd plus can’t do anything since he has chronic fatigue. So I’m doing everything mostly. It’s also his personal hygiene and ED. And he sleeps all day. I also feel like he isn’t really into me and doesn’t talk to me much. I’m just not sexually attracted anymore and I don’t mind not having sex. But I don’t feel a connection with him to be having sex. I too don’t see it as a reason to divorce and split up. He wants to be around the kids and we get along. That’s about all the insight I can give.
Does she has times where she prefers to have sex? My partner for example prefers morning sex, after the shower, or at least during the day, at night she is just sleepy. It always have been like that since I met her. The problem is, mornings with small kids are almost impossible to have. They need attention and tend to follow parents through the home. 🙂
An improvement happened when kids grew a bit older (all +6 years old), and we can just put some cartoons in the morning in the living room and lock ourselves in the bedroom for one hour. So at least on weekends we can have some quality sex.
But during the week, is quite difficult, is more maintenance type of sex, I give you an orgasm, you give me an orgasm, and we both go to sleep. I would still have energy for more, but she simply shuts down as soon as kids are in bed, and I can honestly understand why, because it is just exhausting (to both of us!).
You’re forcing your wife to treat you as if you’re her oldest child. Guess what, you didn’t marry a pedophile
Why don’t you and your wife switch loads. Then see if you are still in the mood for sex
I don’t have any advice, but I feel like it should be pointed out that having sex once a week is far from approaching a dead bedroom.
Find out what her love languages are (or if you already know). If it’s “acts of service” for example, you best be getting a broom and mop out and make your place sparkling. To me when this happens it’s more because a persons love language has changed over time, or the other partner was not speaking to them in their love language, but rather in the partners instead.
When you are around kids all day the feeling you get from them is that “everyone needs something from me 24/7”. There is no room for her own needs during the days, in those small moments before bed that’s when she has time to tend to her own needs. If you add to that and do it on those moments anf finally can hear her own thoughts, she will have nothing left if “her-time”. In time she burnout and depletes. Sustainable options are needed here.
You don’t have a DB, you just have what’s called “four kids under 10 and still gets sex once a week”.
Once a week with four kids is, in fact, a champion effort on her part.
My dude, it sounds like your wife is taking care of four young children. You mentioned taking them out sometimes like you’re doing her a favour. No, that’s your job as a parent.