I met my best friend in one of my college classes during spring semester in January. We had microbiology together and I sat beside her the first day of class. That day we were pretty quiet much like the other students as it was an early morning class. I learned her name as Prof took attendance, we’ll call her Delilah. The next day Prof was running a bit late so everyone was talking, preparing for notes, etc. Again I sat beside her, and after a few moments she complimented my hair. I had recently gotten brown highlights on my natural hair and was excited that someone noticed, so I told her all the details lol. We talked until Prof arrived then exchanged numbers after class.
Spring semester was my first time going to in person classes, so I didn’t know anyone else on campus at the time. She’s rather introverted so we could relate to each other in that way. We’ve been close since then. Studying in the library, lunch dates, Target runs, Nail salon, Tutoring, Starbucks, Long calls, Homework, Sephora, Venting, Road trips. You name it we’ve done it. By the time summer came we spent a lot of our free time together, besides vacations with friends/family.
Around June we stopped seeing each other as much but still talked a lot. We both work full time and were dealing with personal things so we didn’t have the time/energy. A close cousin of hers was in the hospital and I was having a bad breakup with my ex-boyfriend. We confided in each other a few times about things. She encouraged me to leave and heal, offered advice, even opened her door to me as she was only a few minutes away and I felt safer with her than my ex.
I finally broke up with him in mid July. In early Aug I was still struggling with it, and one day Delilah invited me over to cheer me up. She tried to comfort me, made me tea, discussed therapy, etc. As I cried she pulled me into a hug, and eventually I laid my head on her chest. She laid back on the couch and wrapped her arms around me until I stopped crying. She rubbed my back and just held me there for a while.
I noticed it was getting dark so I finally got up. As I was leaving, I turned to hug her. But this time she kissed my cheek before letting go. I got instant butterflies and started feeling different over time and I guess that’s where this all started. Ever since that day it’s been the same every time I see her. We cuddle, lay in bed together, kiss, go out on dates, etc. Things were great until this morning.
She called early saying she was otw with breakfast. After eating and talking for a bit we got in bed to cuddle. Eventually we started kissing and things got intense fast (more physical). She was wearing a sweatsuit, so I unzipped her jacket then put my hand down to her pants. To my surprise, I thought I felt a bulge. We were still kissing at this point, and I felt her body tense so I just moved my hand away. I just brushed it off as maybe I was touching part of her sweats and didn’t realize it.
She had almost completely undressed me so I started to do the same to her. I moved my hand back down to her sweats, and sure enough. I felt it. A dick in her pants. I immediately stopped kissing her and snatched my hand away. My mind racing, I asked “Are you wearing a strap? Or what’s going on?” She just laid there completely still and stared at me. After an awkward silence she whispered, “I’m transgender, Kiah.”
I immediately felt like an asshole. She pulled herself away from me and I thought she would start crying. I started apologizing, I told her I wasn’t trying to hurt her, I didn’t expect it, I’m not mad, I wasn’t trying to be mean or nasty. She zipped her jacket and sat at the edge of my bed with her back to me. I put my shirt back on and sat beside her, and squeezed her hand. “Are you mad?” I asked her. She shook her head no but she looked as if she were holding back tears. I apologized again but she wouldn’t say anything or even look at me. We sat there in silence.
“I’m gonna head out, I’ve got things to do but I’ll text you later okay.” She told me then stood up, grabbed her phone and purse then started towards the door quickly. I didn’t say anything or stop her, I regret it so much.
It’s now after 11pm and I haven’t heard from her since. I’ve sent a few texts and tried calling 3 times, but I’ve got nothing. I am so ashamed of how I reacted and what I said. I forced her to come out when she wasn’t ready to. I just keep thinking of how she’s feeling. I remember how hard it was to come out to my family as bisexual and I can’t imagine my best friend forcing that on me. I feel so awful and stupid.
I know it’s risky going from friends to lovers but that’s what I want. To be clear; Being transgender wouldn’t make me love her any different or be less attracted to her. I just didn’t expect it. She’s cis-passing and no different from any other girl. Even though we were moving towards a relationship, she should still come out when she’s ready. I ruined that for her.
I might be overthinking this but I don’t think she wants to see me anymore. I don’t blame her tho, I think my words and actions were rather reckless. I reached out to her brother via social media to check on her and he said she seemed fine. That was a relief and I decided I will give her some time and space. What should I do? Do you think there is any coming back from this? Even if we don’t continue seeing each other, I at least want her to know that I am sorry for everything and I didn’t have ill intentions. Should I go to her house to apologize? Should I reach out to her again, or be patient and wait things out?
2 comments
Yes you sould reach out again.
She is probably thinking you are disgusted or upset or feel she lied to you or that you hate her or any of the other things she’s probably experienced as a trans woman. If you’re different than the people who treated her that way, then you need to prove it. Apologize, apologize, apologize—I am sure you were just surprised and that’s understandable but she probably detests the fact that her body betrayed her and is not in alignment with the body she would ideally like to have.
She needs reassurance and understanding and acceptance and, if it doesn’t matter to you that she’s trans and you still want to try for a relationship then you need to spell that out for her.
Dysphoria is something most trans people experience. Be patient, and keep trying to make contact, this was probably quite triggering (and is probably why she wasn’t able to tell you outright).
You didn’t hurt her on purpose but she’s hurt nonetheless.
Also please be aware this sub tends to have a ton of transphobes on it—transphobes who deny being transphobic—so be careful and be prepared to block.
I mean if she never told you she was trans then she’s wrong to be upset over your surprise about it. I think anyone who put their hand down a girl’s pants and felt a dick would be surprised.
And it sounds like you even gave her opportunity to back off. You moved your hand away, only for her to continue by undressing you. Any reasonable person would take that as a green light to proceed. She could have pulled back if she wasn’t ready to continue.
You’ve done nothing wrong and shouldn’t feel bad. Whatever is triggering her is her problem to deal with, not yours. If you want to reach out and help her through it then that’s fine, but you’re under no obligation to.
Send her a message, let her know the door is open if she wants to talk, then leave her alone and let her have her space. Whatever her issue is, she needs time to figure out how to deal with it before continuing to pursue a relationship with you.