To make the backstory short, I’m a mixed-race man living in a mainly white state, were I’ve been dating for almost 2 years and living together for a year with my SO, who’s an upper class whiteish woman. Despite coming from a poor background, I’m culturally and intellectually above the average, having lived abroad for extended periods of my life, being fluent in five languages, and being a PhD level academic researcher. Besides this last sentence, I usually don’t walk around bragging about myself.
The thing is,.. for some time I’ve been getting some terrible attitude from my SO’s social circle. One individual repeatedly comes over to greet her when we’re out and completely ignores me standing by her side. In some cases people exclude me from group conversations, focusing just on her. I’ve had friends of her disrespecting the fact that she’s in a monogamous relationship with me by making inappropriate remarks, like how they think we wouldn’t work out, or trying to push her into some conflicting activities. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with a tantric massage, but it’s something one would probably go over with their partner first, and not just get gifted by a group of friends.
More recently she introduced me to another friend, who came over to our house with a girl he had been dating for a couple months. From what her friend had told her, things were going great with the girl. When they arrived, I realized that I matched up with the girl on Tinder before meeting my SO. But we never actually met. The night went on with that friend kind of ignoring me and my remarks the whole night. After they left I told my SO where I recognized the girl from. Next thing we know, a couple weeks later her friend “wasn’t feeling the girl anymore”. That could just be the case, but some weeks later my SO convinced me to meet up with him again, and he ensued spending the whole evening in a dialogue with my SO, ignoring me and my remarks. Not just that, but there were microaggressions during the evening.
I usually don’t give a f\*\*\*, I tend to spend my time on people that are worth it. However, my SO started implying I should insist to get their attention, which I really don’t think is the issue here. I’m such an easy going person, and usually have such an easy time getting into great conversations with new acquaintances, that I don’t think it’s a lack of me speaking up. To me it’s seems like a complete lack of interest of her social circle in the person she’s with. I go even further, saying that there’s some prejudice in the mix, from them thinking that nothing interesting could come from me or them not taking our relationship seriously because they think I’m below what my SO deserves.
I personally wouldn’t ever allow someone to treat me well while being an a\*\* to my SO, the reason why I’m starting to resent her behavior. If they’re explicitly disrespecting me, it’s because she’s leaving room for them to run with it. I realized that it’s even in the way she introduces me to new people. It’s “This is Joe” and never “This is my partner Joe!”.
All this has been building up, and I’m starting to get really upset. I’ve talked to my SO, pointing out all of these episodes. But while she kind of feels, like when recently that friend ignored, she’s very blind to all of it.
I would love some input and comments from you guys. Am I overthinking it? Am I wrong for expecting my SO to demand some respect from her social circle?
TL/DR: My SO’s social circle has been ignoring and disrespecting me and our relationship in many levels. My SO thinks I should insist to get their attention, but me not having any issue in other social circles, I think she’s the one that should demand respect from the people she considers her friends. What’s your take on this?
4 comments
Why do you want to be with someone who has made it clear she will never be on your side?
It doesn’t seem like it’s unreasonable for you to have the concerns you have based on what you’re describing. It’s hard to say what the reason for the apparent disrespect from your SO’s friends is, but I feel like most people who care about their SO would be doing more to set that boundary with their friends. Especially as you’ve communicated to her how it makes you feel.
>If they’re explicitly disrespecting me, it’s because she’s leaving room for them to run with it.
So I think that says more about *her* than her friends. She chooses these people; she makes their behavior your problem. Can’t imagine what her attitude is when she’s not around you.
Here is the reason she’s doing it. You may not agree with me or even like it but it’s still the truth…..
* She’s the same as them. She feels and thinks she’s superior to you because she’s white and she’s the price. You feel small around them and her because that’s exactly how they perceive you. YOU are the one that’s supposed to be grateful and gracious in their company. They are all cut from the same cloth, including her. That guy dumped that girl because she became cheap and value-less once he discovered that she was attracted to you, a non white man. Your gf knows exactly what is up and to her you are an exotic accessory that she parades around for social equity. It shows how ‘inclusive’ she is. They do not see you as an equal, they don’t see you as good enough for her and neither does she*
Sometimes we need to accept people for who they are instead of what we’d like them to be and even though she may have good characteristics, she is overall not good for YOU.