Men who used to have social anxiety how did you overcome it ?

32 comments

  1. I just don’t think , don’t calculate the outcome of certain situation as it might lead to get anxious.

  3. Haven’t overcome it yet, but it’s getting better. Getting some muscle gives some added confidence and i try to put myself in awkward positions from time to time (small talk with a cashiers for example).

  5. Get a good poker face.

    Most people don’t know how to read men’s emotions anyway, so just lean into it.

    After you realize no one can see your fear, the game of pretend can begin.

  6. I think whether aswell as the extent to which you overcome social anxiety has a lot to do with where that anxiety is being sourced from, which unfortunately isn’t something that’s always fully understood when you’re young. I’m 31, and I’ve come a long way, but I still think I’m discovering things about myself all the time. I’m not sure that ever really stops.

    Experience is the best precedent for true confidence. This takes time, and maybe a bit of luck in finding your lane, but I think as long as you’re willing to keep moving forward, things usually get better in time.

    I think I’ve been at my most confident when I’ve found a job or a group where I’ve felt like a meaningful contributor, and that my absence would make things harder on the others.

    I also think dropping out of university at age 18 and backpacking around Europe for a couple months by myself was a really powerful experience. I was in no way prepared for it and had to make it work on barely any money, but I made it there and back again. It put me in a situation where I had no choice but to adapt. If I got sick I couldn’t just lie down and die, so I found the will to do whatever needed to be done. Since then I’ve had the confidence to know that no matter what situation I’m thrown into, there’s no need to panic, I’ll find a way.

    All that said, I think a lot of my anxiety comes from the nature of the childhood I had. Definitely some traumatic experiences in there, and almost completely deprived of any sense of intimacy, community, or acceptance. This kind of stuff can be tricky to navigate, and will always be a lifelong negotiation between your rational mind and your impulses. Like I say, I think this stuff works itself out in time, even if progress feels slow. Sometimes I think we can just be unreasonably critical of ourselves. It isn’t rational to think that you should excel in every situation. Something I’ve learned is that I think I have the sort of brain where I’m extremely good at hyperfocusing on one thing for prolonged periods, but throw me in a room with fifteen people where everyone is talking and there are stimuli everywhere, and I’m simply not going to be able to contribute much. My brain just seems to be desperately looking for that one thing to hyperfocus on and Is instead torn in a hundred different directions. I used to beat myself up about this, but over time I think I’ve come to realize that there are certain situations I’m wired to thrive in, and others where I’m not so able to play to my strengths. These situations are still going to come up from time to time, but I just go into it with the mentality that I’m going to do my best, and the outcome will be whatever it will be. I can forgive myself for a suboptimal result in such a situation because I go in knowing that maybe I’m not the best fit for this exact situation, but I’ll do what I can, and the moments where I will thrive will come.

  7. My wife had it really bad when we started dating, and I realized I’d have to take the reins on a lot of things. A relationship where neither person can order pizza over the phone wasn’t going to go great. I ended up taking a sales job for good money when I was younger too which helped a lot. Fake confidence becomes real confidence eventually.

  8. I just started putting myself out there. It was really uncomfortable at first. But eventually it really helped my confidence and ability to talk to people. Now I’m super outgoing and talk to people everywhere I go. People who meet me now can’t believe I used to be too shy to say thank you to my server at a restaurant.

    start small. You don’t have to dive right into parties. Chat up your server at a restaurant, talk to the cashier at the store. Say hi to people you pass in public. Ask people questions and listen to their answers and respond. Soon you’ll get comfortable with being social. But you’ve gotta start somewhere

  9. Joined the Navy. I was forced to interact with people lol. I was in the medical field so I had to call patients about their appointments and treatments and the patients could be anyone. Like a hot woman or high ranking officer. Talking to so many people made me realize that everyone is weird and no one really has time to think about that awkward shit you did that one time.

  10. Same way you get over the fear of the dark.

    Or fear of heights.

    or fear of swimming…

    Face it and don’t avoid it, and eventually you’ll wonder how the hell you had anxiety in the first place.

  11. Threat exposure as well as surviving negative outcomes

    I think anxiety is about the looming fear of facing a potential reality. We project the worst possible outcomes in our minds to the extent they freeze us into inaction.

    So you face your fears

    When you talk to the pretty girl and embarrass yourself, but find that afterwards you’re still standing and have even gained your self respect

    When you stand up to the bully and are still intact afterwards, but now know that you have teeth and claws

    When your reputation is destroyed yet find as a result you are free of the burden. You now only speak with people who desire to engage with the actual you and not the image of you.

    I think we fear self destruction unnecessarily. I think we only gain potency by regularly destroying ourselves to rid ourselves of what is false and see ourselves rebuilt from the bottom.

  12. I married an extrovert. Over time her confidence rubbed off on me and I became less anxious around people

  14. Pick one random person. The next day, think of how little you remembered about anything they said or did. You put more focus on that one person than anyone will randomly put on you, and you likely won’t remember that much in spite of that.

  15. Practice. I would start at parties when I still drank and used that liquid courage to talk to others and practice, then when I quit drinking I still would go out of my way to force myself out of my comfort zone. I used to strike up random conversations with people in line at stores almost every time I went for groceries about anything, even just small talk, and gained a lot of confidence there.

  17. You have to leave your comfort zone. I had severe anxiety as a child and it got forced out of me when I was enrolled in a curriculum that didn’t allow for it. It got chewed out for not looking people in the eye, so I forced myself and it wasn’t uncomfortable after a while. It was impossible to get by without performing on some sort of stage or podium, so I got adjusted to speaking, especially in front of large amounts of people.

    It probably wasn’t the ideal way to overcome my anxiety, but I’d definitely say that it was effective. I give zero shits about public speaking or how others perceive me if they aren’t someone that I mutually respect.

  18. It took over a decade and I still have a ways to go, but hey when I entered highschool I could barely look people in the eye, and today I speak and people obey without question.

    I made the conscious decision to improve myself towards the end of high school. Started watching tons of charisma and psychology content on YT. Eventually did a practical course on how to approach women, which helped immensely (sorry ladies, but it’s very much a learned skill, and at some point we all have to practice on real people).

    The thing that kickstarted my confidence the most was meeting my first girlfriend at age 21, and how absolutely smitten and in awe of me she was. Turned out I was already quietly masculine as hell without even realizing it! A few years after her, my 2nd girlfriend also treated me like God’s gift to womankind.

    At this point I had my degree and finally started my first proper career. Work in the ER was hectic, and I had to very quickly develop a commanding voice to get stressed and anxious patients to quickly do what I say so I could do my job and send them on to the next destination. No patient ever argued with me, no matter how stressed. I realized I was one of the most diplomatic and tactful people on the team!

    The last milestone was early this year, when I finally began to do real work on my physical health. I built up some muscle with a personal trainer, got rid of lots of skeletomuscular pains at the swimming pool, and joined a sport club, where my skills advance rapidly.

    I feel better than ever, the women I date adore me, and I’m appreciated as a valued member of the team at work.

    TI;dr I’m winning at life, and the confidence follows suit.

  19. getting involved in social settings helps.

    I had a personal interest in firefighting so i took that up both due to the personal interest in it and because I know that there’d be a lot of social settings i’d be forced to go to, be that courses, community events etc.

  20. Just accept the uncomfortable feelings and socialise anyway no matter how ur feeling. Habituation is key.

  22. I used to have pretty bad social anxiety when i was a teen and my senior year of highschool i took theater class. Wasnt a super hardcore theater class basically just intro. But i had to get up on stage infront of everyone in my class and act like an absolute idiot multiple times. Im 28 now and havent had a single issue since then. It helped teach me to not give a shit what other people think of me.

  23. Emersion therapy is the word for it.

    Basically I realized that it’s an integral part of both career success but also happiness so i made a point to get out there and get practiced at it despite my anxiety.

  26. I didn’t completely, but working forced me into social situations. Eventually, it became more and more manageable.

  29. You have to understand what anxiety is. People just assume it’s bad because it *feels* bad, but nearly every emotion we have evolved for some benefit.

    Evolutionary biologists believe that anxiety evolved to help us navigate uncertainty. We are unsure about some future outcomes, so we worry about it, but logically speaking, that’s a two-sided coin: you’re worried about things going wrong, but things can also go *right*.

    Anxiety has hope built in. We *want* things to go right. If just thought we were doomed to fail and there was no hope, we wouldn’t feel anxiety. We’d feel despair.

    So we just need to learn to manage our anxiety, instead of muting it with medication or avoidance. To clarify, because it’s going to upset someone, I am not arguing that there aren’t people with anxiety disorders and rely on medication. I’m talking about the brand of anxiety most people have regarding social interaction.

    We need to harness the built in hope of anxiety to learn from our mistakes so we can make better decisions in the future. That means after every social interaction, we need to take an honest look at how it went and consider the things you did well, and the things you didn’t, and try again next time.

  31. I used to be skinny and shy when I was younger.
    What worked for me:

    1. Exercise and working out

    2. When your brain reminds you of all the embarassing things, practice thinking “and?”, eventually your brain won’t have any power over you and it really feels like a big 🖕to your anxiety and it feels good. Remember everybody does it and life has no manual.

    3. Don’t filter your thoughts as much. I used to psycho analyse every single word I said before it left my mouth, I’ve loosened the reins since then and found the sweet spot. Now I filter out the genuinely dumb sentences but allow the wit through.

    4. A biiiig one for me was to just repeatedly convince myself I’m one of the cool guys, when a new dude came into our circle, I’d make them feel welcome. Eventually you really do become one of those chill people and others get that vibe from you. You start to lead conversations, introduce new people, etc. Life imitates art or whatever.

    5. Another one is just striving to hit those milestones in life, not the ones that don’t matter but like getting your driver’s licence and stuff like that so you can take yourself to things. Strive to push your independence.

    6. Put yourself out there and live through different situations, that’s where dinnertime stories are made. The more stories you have to tell, the less stuff you have to invent during conversations.

    7. Embrace a healthy amount of FOMO, wanting to be where the “cool” people are can be a great driver to actually make it happen. It can make you feel excited to be out with friends because now you’re part of a group, others can see that excitement and it will make you feel good.

    Everyone keeps saying pretend but that’s just mentally unhealthy. It takes work but if you want it enough, you’ll get it.

  32. You have to socialize. there’s no way around it. It’s like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets.

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