TLDR; My partner (33M) of 2 years and I got in a disagreement last night and I’m feeling heartbroken because of how he acted.
He came to bed a few hours after me, and I asked if he would put his arm around me. He ignored me, so I asked a couple more times. Still no response. I started feeling bad and asked why he was ignoring me. I get very triggered by being ignored and I started to tear up.
His response to this was to turn over and say “I’m tired and I’m going to sleep.” Well at this point I was pretty triggered and started to actually cry. As I became more emotional, I was told “this is ridiculous, I can’t believe I’m dealing with this right now” “you’re acting crazy, this is insane” and other things that made me feel horrible about myself.
This man is well aware of my anxious attachment as well as my childhood trauma. Yes, I am in therapy (EMDR) for it. I told him his responses were making me feel abandoned and like I am a burden, and he responded angrily, “yes, you ARE a burden right now.”
Today, we haven’t spoken a word. I know I overreacted, but I feel heartbroken about the things he said to me. We both WFH and I can hear him on his work calls, sounding chipper and totally normal and happy.
I am tempted to talk to him, but don’t think he understands the pain his words caused me. Him acting like everything is fine and just being fine with ignoring my presence hurts so much. I apologized for my behavior last night and am ready to apologize again. I know my reaction was unwarranted and too much for the situation at hand. However, I feel like I deserve some sort of apology first..
Am I wrong to want to apology? Or am I in the wrong for the way I reacted in the first place?
4 comments
take a pill
I’m sorry but I side with your husband. You cannot make him the sole responsible for your psychological well-being when apparently you don’t care about his.
Everybody deals with conflict and disagreements differently. You’ve spoke about your perspective, I’m going to try to speak about his (or hers? Not sure if you intended to say 33F).
Sounds like your partner just needed some space. He didn’t feel like talking, he wanted to be left alone. That’s probably why he went to bed hours after you, maybe he was hoping you’d be asleep by then. Then instead of letting him cool down and sleep it off, you chased after him, wanting affection and became upset when he rejected your offer. You guys just had an argument and he wasn’t really to move past it yet, but for some reason you needed him to attend to you and your hurt, without giving him space to deal with his own. So he lashes out. And further hurts you.
Sounds like you both need to apologise to each other. Be the bigger person and do it first.
OP – I think he ignored you because he is tired of re-assuring you. I am going to guess it happens a lot that you need a lot of validation from him and it is starting to wear on him. You might be a needy person, and that does take a toll on your partner. I understand it is not your fault that you have this anxiety OR that you had childhood trauma, but it isn’t his fault either. He probably feels like no amount of attention or validation he could give you would make you feel loved and secure, and that is probably very frustrating for him. You are doing what you can to address this on your end, but in the meantime I think you need to give your husband some grace because he seems pretty frustrated with the whole situation and he seems burnt out from being your emotional support.
That being said, I don’t think it was right that he decided to ignore you, and there were a lot of gentler ways he could have told you he just wanted to go to sleep. BUT – if he had not ignored you, and just said – please honey, not now, I need some sleep, how would you have responded? I know it is hard to say not being in the moment, but be honest. If you STILL would have gotten emotional and felt rejected by him, if this would have turned into an issue either way, then that could explain why he was trying to avoid this interaction all together. Maybe he didn’t see a benefit to engaging in this interaction because no matter what, if he doesn’t provide the support on demand, you feel rejected, insecure, etc. and become emotional about it.
So – I think you need to really think about whether you are asking too much from your husband. Maybe I am wrong, and you don’t ask for too much, I am just guessing. Are you using him as a coping mechanism for your anxiety? If so, that isn’t his job, he is your husband not your therapist. You need to find other ways to relieve your anxiety and find comfort that don’t involve him. If you keep on overburdening him, then the thing you fear the most, being abandoned, is going to be MORE likely to happen.
As for what to do now, I would not demand an apology or even be focused on who did what or who should apologize. I’m not sure why you expect him to be sad all day about this incident, even if he IS upset about it, he isn’t going to act like a sad puppy with his colleagues. The world does not stop because you had an argument.
I suggest you just tell him that you are sorry for last night, that you can see by his reaction that he is pretty burnt out from having to alleviate your anxiety, and that you recognize this isn’t his job and you will work with your therapist to find other ways you can cope with it (then – you need to actually DO that). Tell him that some of the things he said were very hurtful, and you feel sad about it. Leave it at that.