31F, of chinese descent. Never been in a LTR because of poor coping mechanisms as a result of unhealed childhood abuse at the hands of my family, my mother in particular.
My parents are in an unhappy marriage. My mom doesn’t work, so is 100% reliant on my dad financially. My dad, as a result, took full advantage of that. He had an affair when I was younger, and it broke my mom. However, because she was reliant on my dad, she couldn’t leave him, so she took out all her anger and resentment towards me. My older brother is 10 years older than me (golden child), and he turned a blind eye to the abuse my mother inflicted on me. He dismissed my feelings when I asked him for help. He said “Stop playing the victim. Get over it. Mom loves you.” I had absolutely no support growing up.
Last week, I decided to completely cut off my entire family. I know it was the right decision, but it still makes me sad that I had to do it. I know I’ll be better off for it in time.
I’ve been working with a therapist for the past few years, and she’s been so incredibly helpful. I took a step back from dating a few months ago to work on myself and try to heal from my trauma. I acknowledge that most of my issues with men stem from the insecurities my mom projected onto me (always calling me fat, stupid, comparing me to my brother and her friends kids that were smarter and more successful, constantly belittling and yelling at me over stupid things, telling me I was a mistake and that she shouldnt have had me, etc…, essentially making me feel worthless and unworthy of love), but its hard to unlearn them.I’ve realized I always went for emotionally unavailable guys because I was emotionally unavailable too. I just didn’t know it at the time. As soon as a guy tries to get closer to me, I freak out and push him away, becauae Im scared to be vulnerable. All this time, I thought the men were the problem, but turns out it’s me. Lol.
I also feel like I have all the insecure attachment styles, poor communication (I’ve stonewalled friends on numerous occasions because I’m afraid of confrontation), so many insecurities, for example constantly comparing myself to others (love interest’s ex partners – he left someone like that?! What chance do I have then? She’s so much prettier, smarter, successful, etc…)
My therapist says that because I’m self aware of my issues now, and since I have been making a lot of progress through therapy, I am ready to start dating again. She said I dont need to be perfect to start dating again. My friends are also trying to encourage me to get back out there. But I still feel like I’m a mess. How can I be a good partner for someone when I still have all these issues I need to fix? How do you know if you’re healed enough to start dating again?
TLDR: abusive family made me feel worthless and now I’m trying to work through the issues through therapy. How do I know if I’m ready to start dating again?
7 comments
Hey there, I feel like I can somewhat relate it this. Indian family (similar in a lot of ways – education, parents being aggressive to each other, mom being a dependent and a house wife etc).
Breaking down each wall you built around yourself takes a long time. Every situation you come across from now on – it’s a battle but you will do everything in your power to break open that. Letting go of your parents might be a start but you’ll have to start with letting go of the resentment you have towards them – what I mean by that is forgive but not forget. I may be the devil’s advocate when I say this – but our parents had no outlet when it comes to dealing with their own trauma and yes, it was absolutely a mistake that she took it on you. They have a million of issues they carry which they shut out and have never dealt with them. So, empathize with that reason and forgive them but don’t forget.
Your therapist might have understood that you are on your path to healing. I guess you are taking responsibility of your emotions and how you react to situations in your life. If so, that’s going to be a constant in your life. Take a closer look at instances that made react a certain way and ask yourself – Why is it? What made me react in such a way? If you feel comfortable, reach out to a friend or therapist and talk about it.
With regards to dating, take it at your pace. Don’t let people tell you otherwise. Give yourself a few seconds, if you think you are being reactive. Come back to it later in an hour or so. Collect your thoughts.
Every one has issues. No one is perfect in this world. Be kind and show empathy to yourself and others.
It’s going to be a long process.
First of all, I’m sorry you had to go through all of that. But good on you for working on yourself and also for cutting off your family. I’m sure that wasn’t easy.
Honestly, I don’t think there is a point where you’ll know for sure that you are “ready” to date again. If you really want to start again (not just because your therapist says your ready or your friends encourage you to do so), just… start. You’ll have worse moments and you’ll have better moments. But when you continue to be mindful and realize if dating might not be for you yet, I think you’re gonna be okay. Just make sure to do it for yourself and not because of outside pressure. Good luck 🙂
The only way you know if you can ride a horse is to get on it and see if you can ride it.
If you fall off you can’t ride it and need more time.
If you don’t fall off then you CAN ride it.
This might sound like a cliche, but I really think it’s true: everyone (even the most securely attached) feels like varying degrees of mess and you’d be hard pressed to find someone who felt they were perfect (except maybe narcissists).
I think if your therapist thinks you’re ready, that’s as good a blessing as any to dip a toe back in the dating pool. I also think there’s a part of healing that you simply can’t do alone – at some point you need to essentially put into practice what you’ve been working on in therapy in a live relationship/dating context. Take it at your own pace and keep your support network, you got this.
hey, i don’t have the answers, i actually have the same questions and an incredibly similar background (i am also of chinese descent, first of the family born in a western country, i have a golden child sister who is 13 years older who is polar opposite to me in terms of values). if you want someone to commiserate with, DM me.
i am dating now, but it does stress me out a lot due to similar kinds of insecurities that you described above, so i am constantly going back and forth between turning off and on the apps. honestly, my age and the anxiety of possibly losing my window to have bio kids (not even 100% sure i want them) are what is keeping me dating, but its not terribly enjoyable for me.
There is no right or wrong in terms of timing.
What you’re asking is whether it’s a good idea or not.
If you choose to date you need to be aware of your behavior towards your partner.
Of course it’s best to be comfortable with yourself as a person, but that’s just a general rule to happiness.
You may find someone who cares and accepts you as you are.
Or you may like someone and be unable to regulate yourself in a way that affects the relationship.
Your partner has their own inner self too. Codependent relationships tend to occur when two people put up with each other and call it acceptance; but neither side is working towards understanding themselves or their actions so they continue to exist without change.
The real question to ask yourself is whether you’d be okay with who you are in a relationship right now?
If you think you’d judge and be hard on yourself then would you feel comfortable bringing that into a relationship?
If you feel like as long as you and your partner both understand and are willing to work through it then it’s certainly easier to heal with companionship.
Make sense?
I can definitely relate to a lot of this or parallels of this.
Feeling ready is a hard one. It depends how much you’ve worked and put into practice what you’ve learned from attachment style and being able to identify and meet your own needs and/or communicate and ask them from friends and be able to self-soothe, put up boundaries, be authentic etc. You can practice all those skillsets necessary for ANY healthy interpersonal relationship, outside of the romantic, in fact, you should and you can! You said it yourself, you’ve stonewalled friends.
Also, take the time to really put down on paper your list of non negotiables, standards, preferences, green flags, red flags. I have 4 pages of this no joke. It’s clear but still doesn’t make it impossible to find someone, rather it gives me a clear compass because I can’t super rely on my gut instinct (though it gets better with time) as I haven’t developed that growing up.
In fact when people ask the “how long was your longest relationship” or “how long have you been single” to I guess figure out “what’s wrong with me”, I used to feel defective, shamed (as that’s big in Asian cultures) and now I am confident in my response and tell them I worked hard on it for the last 2 years, put it into practice and have seen positive changes in my friendships and professional relationships and I wasn’t modeled healthy family dynamics and thus didn’t develop the skillset to be able to identify my needs, communicate them etc. Saying it so clearly like this really makes it clear and if someone doesn’t want to be with me after that, it’s their loss. I started at a “deficit” and worked hard to unlearn and reprogram. Emotional resilience is also something I look for in a partner. Someone who values that, will stick around.
Slight tangent but hopefully that also helps you if and when that question does come up – since it usually does, sometimes on a 1st date.
Work on your “unworthy of love” wound in any way you can and that will stick around. I now journal about positive things and wins and when I notice how I showed up differently in different situations I do that. And every time you have that thought, don’t punish yourself and just say cancel cancel, I am worthy of love because (name 3 things or write it down). If not you will continue to work on auto-pilot. You need to unlearn + reprogram.
You may still mess up early on, see it as a learning process, you are learning the skillsets and learning about yourself. If something ends prematurely or you liked or didn’t like something after dates, really take the time to sit down with yourself and identify what that is, why that is, and how you can show up better or communicate things (also in due time, it may take a few dates to be able to have certain conversations but this also depends on people and what you value/need!).
You may still chose the wrong partners but you will see with time you are getting closer and you will build that confidence to really seek the right person for you and be your authentic self, coming at it from love and not from fear.
Hope that helps!