Hi fellow Reddit user! I have a question. Last night, me (24f) and my boyfriend (25m) were watching a movie and somehow the top of pride and flags came up. It was then I learned that my boyfriend doesn’t view pride month or pride festivals as necessary for the LGBTQ+ . His opinion was people should be free to be themselves and love whomever they choose. He believes it’s causing more harm than good celebrating pride but it’s “making a spectacle out of something simple”. As a queer woman this view took me by surprise because I’ve always been open about my sexuality with him , and he himself is a Mexican American man. I explained to him the LGBTQ+ community has just as much of a right to celebrate pride month as Mexican American have to celebrate Cinco de Mayo or black people have to celebrate black history month. He disagreed stating that those were separate identities and topics. I then argued the evolution of pride month was birth from the historical significance of the Stonewall riots, and the pride parades are to celebrate all that we have overcome thus far. I asked him would be consider attending pride with me this year and to support me. He initially decline stating “he wasn’t interested in seeing men walking around half naked or dress explicitly sexual”. I told him that the pride parades are so much more than that, and in all of my years attending pride I have never once seen a man in a g-string although I’m sure it’s possible they were some. After he saw I was offended, he said that he loved me and that he has no hate in his heart for the queer community. He told me that if it was important to me he would consider attending pride with me but it would make him extremely uncomfortable and I should respect his opinion. I agree he has a right to his own opinion but I feel like he’s dismissing apart of my core identity. That entire conversation has been questioning our whole relationship which has been long might I add. We have been dating for 2 months now. Reddit, is this worth breaking up with my boyfriend over or can we learn to agree to disagree?
24 comments
OMG – he should break up with you – what an insufferable person you must be
DTMFA. Bigots aren’t worth your time or energy.
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Pride parades/month can be part of someone core identity ?
Should we have a “Straight pride” month? Seriously nothing is special about being gay… you’re just gay.. move on. Waiving flags because your sexual orientation is how you define yourself is ridiculous. No one cares you like the same sex… your not special… same way a straight person isn’t special. Your boyfriend sounds more open and accepting than you are concerning other peoples beliefs…. He should break up with you. The fact that this is your “core” identity is sad… that’s all you have going for yourself? Being gay/bi?
I kind of understand the thought process I suppose. At some point in life earlier I used to be very contrarian about these things, like, even though I loved queer people and had no reason to hate them, certain moments of wanting to be against the popular thing or wanting to be against people being happy led me to say things like I don’t support pride and whatnot. This view that “they are making a spectacle of something simple” is objectively the goal, but in our current state of the world this is far too forward thinking and is essentially a facade for some other underlying thing we feel when we say such things. I was 16 at the time when I used to say similar things as your bf. I was a cis dude who was unaware of a lot of things and naive about these issues and wanted my opinions to matter. I am almost 19 now and basically on the verge of transitioning and I’ve learned a lot of things along the way. I don’t think this is something to breakup over, I don’t think he has internalised homophobia or anything but do carry out more discussions such as this to open him up more
*Last night, me (24f) and my boyfriend (25m) were watching a movie and somehow the top of pride and flags came up.*
*As a queer woman…*
This bait or am I missing something?
It really is just a minor difference of opinion. People should be allowed to have them and not be rejected by others.
Only you can answer wether it is a deal breaker or not, but it shouldn’t be.
We should tolerate other people having difference in opinion or nuances of opinion. And this falls into a nuance of opinion.
It is not like your partner is not supportive at all, must one thing they are not agreeable to.
He’s has a right to his opinion. He is not acting in a biased or non accepting way, and he’s willing to attend a function just because it’s important to you.
Honestly most people over thirty share his opinion. More of a live and let live philosophy than a NIMBY philosophy. Nothing wrong with that. (Unless he’s treating your friends poorly). People can do whatever they want, love whomever they want and really, be whomever they want these days. At least in cosmopolitan areas of the country.
Yes. Do you really wanna be with someone who says bigoted things like this? What if you have LGBTQ children in the future and he’s still spewing shit like this?
I am not queer. I am a cis het woman. I view LGBT+ pride events as critical to the development of our society, the understanding of people within it and to highlight the wrongs that still need to be righted therein. For ME, this would be a hands down, values based deal breaker. You have only been together for 2 months which is the time of learning each other. You have learned. And now have to decide what you want out of relationship.
If this is an otherwise good relationship, it may be worth having one more talk with him about why this is important. Your sexuality is a part of who you are and society treats you a certain way because of it just like his heritage is a part of who he is and society treats him a certain way because of it. One way for either of you to fight back against the bigotry I’m guessing you’ve both faced is to openly and unapologetically celebrate the part of you that society wants to get rid of.
He’s not dismissing a core part of your identity. He simply doesn’t want to go to an event.
It’s funny how people are claiming bigotry while he didn’t actually say anything bigoted. Maybe a little stereotyping, but nothing outright hateful.
“LGBTQ+ community has just as much of a right to celebrate pride month as Mexican American have to celebrate Cinco de Mayo or black people have to celebrate black history month.”
Gringos like yourself know nothing about the culture or history of Mexican americans and yet presume to lecture them about other issues. Maybe he can agree to go to a pride parade and you can agree to read a fucking book.
Gay woman, I say agree to disagree on this one but be wary. His concern in not wanting to go because he doesn’t want to see a bunch of nearly-naked guys and overly sexual stuff is 100% valid and is actually why I don’t like going to pride (yes I have gone multiple times), sometimes it feels like the pride parade is reducing the queer experience to being entirely about sex and as someone on the aroace spectrum it fucking sucks. *However* his views on it not being worthwhile and unneeded aren’t appropriate, he’s not LGBTQ+ it’s not his place to say whether it should happen or not. Him personally refusing to go isn’t a sign of bigotry because there is absolutely content there that will make him uncomfortable but watch him to make sure he understands that oppression is still happening.
As a queer women myself, this is an interesting one.
The reality is cishet people have a hard time understanding and relating to the importance of pride because they rarely think about it and what it means, and how it’s not really about the parades and spectacle, but how the parades and spectacle draw attention to issues and help serve as a beacon of hope for those who continually are discriminated against.
The underlying question for you would have to be – is it that he just doesn’t understand the importance of pride, or is there something deeper? Like – “these people should just shut up so I don’t have to see them?” One is problematic, the other is just education
I think the LGBTQ community should be able to thrive and express themselves openly. These people should explore their sexualities and their sexual identities with consenting adults without any issue or reprocussions.
I also don’t want to goto Drag Queen brunch and get yelled at while I eat a pancake. I also don’t want to watch gay porn. Not participating is allowed.
It depends on how important it is to you to have a partner who has the exact same thoughts and opinions on this topic as you. It is ok to agree to disagree and perhaps over time his views will change…or perhaps not. You’ve only been dating two months, so just take things slow, continue to get to know him and and as far as whether this is worth breaking up over, sure, any reason is a valid reason. Life is too short to be with someone who does not make you happy.
I think anchoring on the going to the event is the wrong approach.
I think you need to drill down on exactly what his beliefs are about the LGBT community are. A lot of people say they want gay people or Black people to “do whatever they want but not make it their whole identity or shove it in our faces” which often just becomes code for “as long as I never have to deal with the fact that these people exist, it’s fine **I GUESS**”.
That would be a dealbreaker for me, so I’d say if you’re having doubts about his reaction here you should bring it up again and make sure to be hypercandid and ask specific questions.
I’d bet that he feels like he’s under attack and he’s hedging his opinions about LGBT issues in general as “oh its fine its just don’t make it a thing” once he realized that you weren’t on board with his initial position.
So drill down, parse his true opinions about LGBT people and make your choices on that, not just the Pride Events.
I’m confused. You say you are a Queer woman….but you have a boyfriend. So, are you Bi-sexual? Is your boyfriend a woman? I don’t get it.
Alright I’m going to get shit on for this one but… ehh.
Your never going to get all people to care about your cause. Your boyfriend seems to have the mentality of: How do you get rid of racism?
Stop talking about it all the time!
If he shows that he really isn’t ok and it turns out his views greatly differ from your own then breakup with him. I mean how many pride parades were you two going to attend?
To me, the question hinges on whether he now understands why Pride is important. If he doesn’t want to go, that’s totally fine.
What bothers me in this is what he said about Pride being “a spectacle” and that it’s “different” from celebrating one’s race or national origin. That makes it seem like he doesn’t take sexuality/gender identity to be as valid or significant of an identity. I would be bothered if he holds that viewpoint. Sexuality is – or at least CAN be – as important to one’s identity as race, religion, nationality; Pride itself is a testament to that fact.
If he gets it’s significance now,. and understands and respects that your sexuality/gender identity is an important aspect of your identity, then it’s all good. If he doesn’t… then I guess it depends how comfortable you are with that. If the fact that he doesn’t fully “get it” is a deal breaker, then end the relationship. If it’s not a big deal to you, then don’t end it.
Seems you *WANT* there to be malice and hate in his heart, and are looking to assign it there when his views on this facet of life don’t perfectly, 100% match yours.
Yeah, break up with him. Do him a favor.
I feel like this fully aligns with how alot of people viewed the last two years… If it doesn’t effect them on a personal level ( they or a loved one up until now, especially in the formative years of their lives, haven’t been effected by the trauma of it’s history) they don’t see why others want to celebrate the victory… It’s not great… Sure, but if this is what spells the end of your relationship, than there is probably something else guiding it to it’s end.
Listen, unless i missed something, he didn’t say anything bigoted, maybe misaligned or misinformed from the lack of education on the subject, but i don’t see bigotry, but maybe i read something incorrectly.
He said multiple times how he has no hate for the community, and only love. He did state he didn’t want to go for the reasons he said… But that also seems to come from a place of naive ignorance, yet it didn’t seem malicious at all… Just.. ignorant.
He saw the uncomfort in you, and said he would go if it would be a positive thing for you, so there’s a step in the right direction.. and it’s your time to show him that its a fun, freeing celebration that makes you happy.. so experiencing it would/could change his world view on the pride month/parade(s) themselves! If anything this is an opportunity to show him something that changes his life.
Now, i understand it’s not your job to educate him on the subject, but he didn’t seem hostile to and even swayed and said he would attend with you, so he at the very least receptive to why YOU like pride… So let’s be real.. yes, it would be a wonderfully perfect world if everyone was empathetic to every cause.. but this is the real world, and people have reservations on things they don’t know a whole lot about.
Listen, all I’m saying is this doesn’t SEEM to be a deal breaker, the way you worded his responses and captured his tone i think backs that up.. but if you’re looking for someone who is more “Right out of the box Ready” on this subject, then i guess you know what to do!