I’m 31F and been dating boyfriend (37M) for about 10 months.
We don’t live together although he would like to sometime.
He’s been immature in several ways before this happened, but I won’t give details so as to focus on if I’m being unreasonable about this issue.
(He’s made a lot of effort and we’ve worked on the issues to some success…)
He was given a promotion at work to be a supervisor about 6 months ago. His manager helped get him the job, they all like him and are very supportive. He had a good pay rise, and boyfriend was delighted.
He has said the supervisor role isn’t actually any harder than the normal role and he’s been very happy.
The staff on site work 3 days, 3 nights, and 3 days off. Generous holiday allowance too. Boyfriend says its an easy job compared to others. He mostly watches TV all shift.
He’s now decided he wants to only work a maximum of 4 shifts per week. And have at least 4 days off. And drop his supervisor role.
This will result in roughly a £550-£1200 pay loss per month.
The only reason is he wants to spend more time at home, playing video games and sleeping. He says he feels like he’s “working to live”.
He doesn’t do anything on his days off. Just sits in dark not washing, not doing any adult things/life admin. Just plays games until 3am and doesn’t leave house. No commitments or hobbies or anything like that.
He’s even too lazy to get any shopping in half the time and just won’t eat. His dad cleans his house for him or I do.
He is open on the fact he was spoilt rotten by his parents and as stated, he is very immature at times. Limited sense of responsibility in some areas. Eg making doctor appointments, managing bills (doesn’t even check what he’s paying)
I may be unreasonable about his views on life and work, because I’m quite different?? Maybe too different?
I’ve been self employed for 10 years,and before that worked since young age. Hard jobs, long hours.
I was bullied out of college and from an abusive home so I unfortunately didn’t get higher education.
I failed home study course in an attempt to get A levels as I lost my home at the time so missed exams, had to work etc.
All in all, life has been very tough.
I’ve got a lot better than I was (previous workaholic) and I do far less hours, but still far higher than the average week. I get 1 x full day off and 2 or 3 x quieter days.
Time off can be difficult but again I’m better than I was and have started taking holidays these past few years.
I also rarely miss out on life due to work. I make sure I fit in seeing friends and boyfriend regularly as they are very important to me, plus hobbies.
I have no safety net because I have no family to help me out, and didn’t have a secure home until I scraped the money together after a lot of hard work to buy my own place.
I’ve always been careful with money but do certainly spend too and buy treats.
I also want to save to go back to studying again, so I can work less in future and finally get a better job.
But currently I’m working hard to get savings and also my dream of a decent house in a safe area.
I’d also want to provide a good life for future children and not panic about money and bills if possible.
My boyfriend says I’m money obsessed and “money is my god”,and I “live to work”
I disagree as I have more activities, hobbies and time with friends than he does!
But I’m used to working hard and being busy.
I like being comfortable and that’s my work ethic. And he knows I want a nice house and not to struggle.
Also, my boyfriends decision here to cut down his job has coincided with me finally managing to put an offer in on my first house (I’ve previously moved between tiny flats in a dodgy area so this is a huge achievement for me, and it’s taken many years of crazy hard work and crazy hours. I started with nothing).
Am I being unreasonable being annoyed he is going to do this?
Or is he just chilled, and right to not worry about money?
I don’t mean to sound like I think I’m above him because I don’t.
But it’s given me a bad feeling. I didn’t expect he would do this.
He has previously been looking at progressing his career (nothing major, just higher pay grade locations). but that seems to have been abandoned now!
He has an irritating habit of sending me texts on his days off as it is, telling me how long he’s slept (10+ hours) and how he has nothing to do.
It grates on me because my working life is great but hard at times, and I don’t get many lie ins!
He thinks I’m just jealous and silly for being self employed.
Also I’m worried I may end up doing everything. And paying for everything if we did move in together. He’s lazy at the best of times. Especially around the house.
TLDR: Boyfriend gave up a good paying job to work less and cut his pay significantly to play video games and sleep.
I’m a hard worker, and want to plan for the future (and our future family) but he says I’m money obsessed.
Am I being unfair and jealous to be annoyed at him over this?
7 comments
Has he been assessed for depression?
>He’s even too lazy to get any shopping in half the time and just won’t eat. His dad cleans his house for him or I do. He is open on the fact he was spoilt rotten by his parents and as stated, he is very immature at times.
37 and acting like this. Is this the future you want to come home to?
It sounds like you both have wildly different values and priorities. It also sounds like he’s barely functional for a person of his age as he doesn’t clean his own house.
The gaming is a hobby, whether you recognize that or not. I don’t think his hobby or choice to prioritise life over work are wrong, but it doesn’t sound like they’re right for you. If you want to prioritise saving to have children, you need to communicate that to him as a deal breaker in the relationship.
To be honest, the fact that he doesn’t clean his house is the biggest red flag. Do you think he will magically change this behaviour after you move in together? I doubt it.
Not unreasonable at all but maybe ask if he’s feeling overwhelmed or what’s the reason behind needing “do nothing” time
No it’s fine to be annoyed by that, no one would blame you for dumping him and finding someone more aligned with your values/work effort. I understand his impulse, I’ve been close to rejecting every promotion I’ve been offered because more work/responsibility sounds like a right ballache. I did it anyway though because my wife and I want a family and our own house. Sometimes an adult just has to accept that they’ve got to grow up. It was either be single and live as simply as I wanted, or stay with the woman I love and actually put a bit of effort in.
I wouldn’t be with someone who’s almost 40, no ambition and can’t clean their own house. He’s a grown man and he will not change.
It kinda is unreasonable to be annoyed about this particular thing and I think it’s not exactly this point you’re annoyed about (at least I hope).
First of all: not everyone can manage the same workload in the same way. Some have energy for more work some for less.
It’s totally up to him to cut his work hours and not take a job with more responsibilities and it’s also fine. Even if he does “nothing” in his free time (as you put it). But if you really plan to move in together this should be something he should check with you first. Is living together still a thing with his lowered paycheck?
Second: the biggest red flag here is not his “work ethic” but how he handles his private life. And according to you he isn’t great at cleaning (and obv not good at communicating) and I guess that’s where your annoyance really comes from (can be wrong ofc). He now has more time for himself and everything and nothing of it gets funneled into chores and I get that this can be annoying and honestly… No one knows if it will change if you live together but it probably won’t.
Normally the big question here would be if living together would still fit with less money but I don’t think this is on the table here since his relationship to chores. And you said it yourself: You’re worried that you end up doing everything yourself. And that’s not a good sign for a possible future.