I \[23F\] am seeing a guy \[26M\] for about 2 weeks and he seems excited about sleeping with me. He initiated first, but couldn’t keep it hard. He says he is frustrated because he wants to have sex, but just isn’t feeling that horny I guess.
I do really like sex and I want to seduce him or make him enjoy himself, but I also don’t want to pressure him about it, making him think about it too much. I don’t really know what the right thing to do is. I really want to sleep with him and we have, but I sometimes don’t want to make him think that’s all I want, because if he isn’t feeling it, I don’t really want it.
I only want sex if he is into it too.
3 comments
One of the better things about him being a bit flakey in the machinery so to speak, is that you can pretty safely rely on that when he’s standing proud, he’s DEFINITELY keen.
Ask him about it, just to be sure.
Then, I guess, become an expert at causing nice stiffies you can have in you.
I genuinely think that the worst problem here is that he feels as if he fails you.
Tell him to say straight out when you overdo it, and happily do whatever it takes to get him in with the knowledge that if you actually overdo something, he will say so.
The best thing you can do is be extremely chill about it. The connection between wanting sex, being horny and getting hard isn’t always straightforward for men. Like, those are three separate things. Maybe he has a libido issue, but maybe he’s anxious.
I’d ask him a bit if this has been an issue for him in the past, but emphasise that it doesn’t matter. I don’t know if you work or study or what, but think of quizzing a guy about sexual performance as being like criticizing someone’s work. It’s fine to do it but it’s something that has to be approached with some delicacy and understanding.
I personally have had issues at times with both libido and performance sometimes for months at a time and then no issues for years at a time, so it can definitely wax and wane, and pressure can be difficult to deal with. Try to suss out the situation and see what you’re dealing with.
If it’s caused by anxiety the best thing you can do is act normal. Do not act sad. Do not have a little “funeral” for the erection. Tell him your exes had anxiety too (even if it’s not true, it’s only a *small* lie, because it’s quite common).
Or maybe he’s on antidepressants right now. There may not be a way to fix that right away. It may change in the future as most depressive episodes aren’t permanent. But you aren’t obligated to sign up for that if you don’t want to.
Or it could be because of an unhealthy lifestyle. Alcohol, drugs, poor sleep, smoking, and too much porn. Sometimes people improve these habits when they have a partner, sometimes they don’t. It’s not in your control unfortunately.
Bottom line: in bed be patient, happy, have a good sense of humor, and tell him it’s normal. Outside of bed, find out what’s going on in his life (but don’t mention the erections), and decide if you still want to date him.