How can you describe hospitality towards house guests?

38 comments

1. If it’s family I’m pulling out less stops for them. They can eat my leftovers and, depending on how many people come, we might order out because cooking can get hard. If it’s my brother and his wife we can cook, but we’ve hosted 9 people and cooking for 11 is not fun.

   I’ll straighten up the house and prepare a bit, but I’m not hiring a maid lmfao.

2. I’m American and we always do it like your SO family does!!

3. The goal of ‘hospitality’ is to make a guest more comfortable. Somebody going to all that trouble would make me *uncomfortable.*

   If anything, as the guest, I will try to ease whatever burden I am causing. Help with dinner, be the one to buy the pizza, make sure I clean up whenever I can.

   It is totally normal as a host, however, to regularly offer food and drink. This may come in the form of scheduled meals, but with an invitation for somebody to help themselves any time they are wanting something between those times. (I wouldn’t *serve* leftovers though, generally speaking. I might tell you there is some in the fridge for if you get hungry).

   It also, very much, depends on my relationship with the person. How much I am inconveniencing them. To what extent such a favor is returned in the future (do we regularly visit each other’s homes).

   Edit: some, for clarity

4. I thinks it all depends on where you are. I’m from the south and southerners are described as more hospitable than others

5. The way I was raised is much more similar to your SO. I *might* offer a long-term guest leftovers, but otherwise, I’m cooking or taking them to nice meals, I’m cleaning my house to Martha-Stewart-wearing-white-gloves standards, and if they have to ask me for anything, I consider it a moral failing on my part.

6. So your foreign SO is disturbed by people who work in the service industry being attentive, but is also disturbed when by the lack of attentiveness in other situations? What does she want from us;)

7. It depends on who is coming over.

   If it’s my daughter, I will brush the cat hair off the sofa and make sure her Dad has on pants.

   If it’s my daughter and soon to be son, I will do my normal cleaning, make sure there are drinks and food they like.

   If it’s anyone else, I give the house a deep clean and put out a big spread of food. I was just raised to do that for “company”.

8. Growing up, whenever we would have guests (generally my mom’s parents or siblings), my mom would have the house so clean that you could eat on the floor.

   My mom would usually cook one big meal, but yeah we went out to eat or ordered pizza usually too. Just made it easier for everyone. With pizza, there’s leftovers for the guest to snack on whenever.

9. I think it’s weird to not clean your house for guests honestly

10. >they don’t make extra effort clean the house and for food we order a pizza or they say there are leftovers in the fridge

    I’m American and I clean before having guests. I may order food or take the guests out so we can spend more time visiting and less time cooking but it wouldn’t be pizza. It would usually be something nicer.

    So tell your SO that not every American does that.

11. There is a much more relaxed atmosphere when visiting an American vs European household. Obviously there is a difference between visiting for dinner (where Americans serve dinner, etc similar to what you would do in Europe). Staying for a longer period of days in a US household, guest are not waited on or served, and can help themselves to food, etc. I prefer it this way, it is less stress work for the host.

12. This sounds like your family is just less hospitable than she’s used to. Since America is a melting pot of cultures and classes, I doubt it’s an American thing, and more of just a “your family is different than her expectations” thing and she can decide if that’s something that she’s willing to put up with.

13. offering leftovers to a guest is a bit weird imo unless they’re super close friends or family who are used to eating your cooking. on the other hand, hiring a maid is also a bit weird to me. hospitality will depend on the region and the family though

14. Depends on the people and occasion. If you stop buy to play video games for an hour after school or something every Friday that’s a different level if perpetuation than a dinner party. It also depends on how much notice I have to prepare, obvious if you are in the area and decide to drop by unannounced just to say hi and chat I’m not going to have time to prepare if clean up much. Another issue is finance. A lot of people are struggling to make ends meet and can’t afford to go all out on a huge spread of food but still want to spend time with friends so I can’t fault people for not being able to afford things due to their financial situation.

15. This to me sounds more like a difference in level of comfort. I love my parents dearly, but I’m not going out of my way to clean the house or cook a huge spread when they visit. On the other hand, if it’s my boss or I’m having someone over for the first time, I do those things.

16. Typically, we plan activities and meals the first two days and nights, but if guests are staying longer, they are “part of the family” at that point, and can help themselves to drinks, snacks, etc. We may tell them where to find bread and cold cuts for lunch or cereal for breakfast. By that point, dinners will also likely become more casual, or the guests will offer to cook or take us out.

    I would think everyone would clean the house for guests, but maybe I have a different understanding of what that means. We have 3 little kids, so there will inevitably be some trucks or art supplies or homework lying around. We have a guest room with bathroom, so we make sure that has fresh sheets and towels and is all clean. But, once our guests are here, I don’t go in their room and clean up or anything. If they want fresh towels, they will usually bring them up and offer to throw them in the wash.

    This is pretty much how I grew up, how my husband grew up, and how our friends/family are when we visit. We have that one “crazy uncle” that probably every family has where they don’t prepare food or linens, but now we just know to treat it like camping. They are good people – just don’t pick up on social cues. And we only stay with them about every 10 years.

17. I mean, I feel like what you’re describing is “make yourself at home” which is very normal for Americans and kind of peak welcomeness.

    Ideally, I feel like a middle ground between your two examples would be perfect. No need to put on airs or anything. But at least let’s get some fresh food. Not just leftovers lol

18. So it sounds to me like her family treats you as a guest, and your family treats her like family, meaning that she’s welcome to help herself to whatever. I don’t know that one way is more or less hospitable, just more or less formal.

19. Whenever I’ve had guests, we make sure the house is cleaned. We don’t go out of our way like a major project, but clean. Vacuum the floors, do the dishes, etc. Definitely clean the bathroom & toilet. I’ve never hired someone to clean for guests.

    As for food, I find “leftovers in the fridge” to be a bit weird. I’ve never had that done nor would I do that. Pizza is *very* normal and typical because it’s something you can eat a little or a lot of and any leftovers won’t go to waste. Depending on the guest, we’ve also done things like fried chicken. It’s also common to make a meal or two. Nothing special necessarily, just the food we would normally eat.

20. I’d find that level of hospitality to be a bit rude, but it depends on how close i am to the people I’m visiting.

    Personally when ANYONE stays with me, the house is spotless and there’s lots of. Food in the fridge specifically for the guest’s tastes. I also cook and order or take them out.

21. I don’t go all out for houseguests but also don’t treat them like they live in the home, idk. Like I’m not going to hire a maid to clean the house just to have my brother crash on my couch, but I’ll make sure it’s reasonably clean to where someone who doesn’t live there would feel comfortable. I wouldn’t expect a houseguest to eat my leftovers – that’s genuinely weird to me – but I also wouldn’t cook a feast unless I independently wanted to do that. Generally, I’ll order something easy like pizza or Chinese. If I needed to cook, I’d make something simple like pasta. I wouldn’t constantly offer food and drinks, but I would let the guest know they can get water, make tea or coffee, and grab a snack if they want one outside meal times. I’d also offer to get the guest a snack or drink if I were having one myself.

    The point of hospitality is making your guests comfortable, and I offer the kind of hospitality that would make me comfortable. I wouldn’t want to be fussed over or for the hosts to spend a bunch of money on me, but I also would feel weird coming into a messy home and being told to have some leftovers if I got hungry. Both sides of that spectrum would make me feel like an inconvenience, so I shoot for the middle.

22. I tidy up but I’m not hiring a maid for guests. I’m so-so at cooking so ordering food is being considerate for guests.

23. Maybe it’s a culture thing? My parents ALWAYS made sure the house was cleaned and there as food on the table when guest arrived

24. Family doesn’t count as house guests. They’re your family so making a big fuss about them visiting would be weird. It would be very weird and uncomfortable for me if my parents treated me like some sort of VIP every time I visited. Why would they feel the need to impress me?

25. To point you to leftovers in the fridge and not bother to clean the house is a little too casual IMO. This is how my parents who live nearby would act if I’m just stopping by for the afternoon. If I’m visiting siblings they’ll straighten up the house, clean the bathroom, and cook a meal or we’ll decide to order in. I’ve visited aunts/uncles/cousins in different states where we decided ordering pizza might be more fun than cooking but the house is always spotless and there’s usually desserts and snacks at the house either. I’ve never visited a family member out of state and have them say help yourself to leftovers as the only meal option.

26. Is your SO from Serbia, Bosnia, Croatia? Reading your description of her parents, I thought you were describing my mom. Due to the terrible past (frequent wars, shortages, poverty), the most important thing for people in these countries is that no one in the house goes hungry. On the other hand, people in small countries often take care to make a good impression when visiting someone from abroad. You are a guest from America for them, and that’s a big deal. I think the question you asked is just a matter of cultural differences.

27. If it’s my family, they get what they get. I will tidy the house but I’m not putting out a buffet unless they’re here for a holiday. If it’s anybody else, the house turns into the cleanest hotel in the world and whatever a person needs, I’ve got it. I’ll cook whatever they want – I usually ask beforehand so I can be prepared but I’ll also stock extra stuff I may not normally have in case it’s needed.

28. I think your family might be the odd one out.

29. This can vary depending on the place/person.

    My parents are very much “entertainers.” If someone is coming over (even just me or my siblings) they clean the house and make sure there is food available. If they are inviting a true guest over (not immediate family) they got farther than that. They do a full clean and plan out some food and probably an activity. None of this is over the top or even very “service-y.” My dad used to work I the service industry and my step-mom just has a “host” personality by nature.

    On the other hand, my boyfriends family are not “entertainers” but absolutely not in a bad way. Instead their house has a everyone is welcome policy. Just because someone is invited over does not mean that everyone in the house is going to be involved. They typically don’t plan food and don’t go out of their way to clean either. It is a very laid back environment, people regularly come and go, and often others in the house may not even know someone was invited over.

    They are different vibes but both are pretty common in the U.S.

30. With my family there is extra effort to clean, but they don’t hire anyone to do it. We used to host Thanksgiving when I was growing up, and we’d get our half day of school on Wednesday then spend the rest of the day deep cleaning the house in preparation of the extended family coming the next day. We don’t have a smorgasbord cooked, but we do go to more effort than your family. It depends on the relationship though. When I visit grandparents/other extended family, they’ll either have snacks out or offer to get me food and drink. When I visit my parents, they include me in any food they’re getting for themselves (like they make enough dinner for me and they ask if I want some when they’re getting a snack for themselves), but since I used to live there, it’s not considered rude for them to treat me more like a household member than a guest. They do offer more to my SO when my SO comes (asking if he wants food/drink like you would when hosting), and it’s expected that I act as a host for my SO, offering and getting him food/drink.

    So I guess I’d say that my experience is in between your and your SO’s family, but I think closer to your SO’s family than yours. If your family treats all guests the way they treat you, that would feel like bad hosting to me. Your SO’s family feels just a little over the top to me given that she’s their daughter, but is about what I’d expect when hosting anyone who isn’t immediate family (even as non-immediate family the smorgasbord would only be normal to me if the plan is to feed me, like if I’m going over for dinner).

    I don’t have much experience with other American hosts, but I think my SO’s family is kind of like mine, but closer to yours. They don’t do extra cleaning, but they do make comments that lead me to believe that they think they should have cleaned. And they always offer me drink, but food is only offered as a meal (that was either part of the plan of going there, or they offer to let us stay for dinner if we’re over near that time). They also treat me and my SO differently, if I say yes to a drink they bring it to me. If my SO says yes, they tell him where it is so he can get it himself. I think that aspect is pretty normal for Americans, if your relationship is close enough that they feel comfortable getting stuff out of your kitchen, then hosting them is more casual like that.

31. The US is large and contains many different cultures. I’m from Texas and the standard of hospitality I grew up with is closer to your in-laws’. I even offer delivery drivers a soda or sparkling water, anyone I’ve actually invited over gets a freshly cleaned house and homemade snacks.

32. Does your family normally make an effort for guests, but not family members? In my family it’s two distinct modes of operation: strangers get the feast and constant attention, family gets “you know where the fridge is”. Perhaps your family is trying to demonstrate support for your relationship?

33. From where I grew up (Midwest) the behavior you are describing would be considered strange in my family. Even when we have regular family get togethers (afternoon bbqs, after church football watch parties etc) we clean the house pretty thoroughly, and I could never imagine telling people to help themselves to leftovers when we are hosting guests. Rude doesn’t feel like the right word (I wouldn’t be offended), but it would be noticeably different and unexpected.

    Now that we are grown, when my husband and I visit either set of in-laws they still clean up before we come (but not so far as hiring a maid) and have our favorite snacks/drinks ready to visit, and we do the same when they visit us. Throughout their stay (or ours) we also cook nicer meals, and make an effort to host. I wouldn’t find it strange if we ordered a pizza, but I couldn’t imagine not cleaning up for my in-laws to visit or telling them to make dinner for themselves when we host. So I guess it goes to show how different the US is too!

    I’m curious where OP is from that not prepping to host is considered normal.

34. I find that strange, too, so I have to agree with your SO.

35. I also would find your family inhospitable. Yes, we do a thorough cleaning before guests come from out of state, and I cook. I often have finger foods ready if we’re expecting people but aren’t sure of them, and then otherwise, I have a menu for when everyone is here.

36. I think your parents are more casual in comparison to my experiences. Even visiting my parents they plan dinners, but let us know there are snacks available if we’re hungry in-between. Usually some breakfasts & most dinners are planned whether cooked or dining out, but lunches are a free for all. My mom makes an effort to know what guests like ahead of time. I would do the same.

    Visiting friends it has been similar unless stated ahead of time an event is a potluck or BYOB/F (which at you get ages it was always bring your own since you e were all pinched for money).

    We ALWAYS clean at least a little. I clean if my brother or my partner’s brother are coming to stay & we’re pretty close.

    Saying that, when people are overly accommodating I feel like either I’m being pressured or I’m inconveniencing them. Being asked of you need something all the time is frustrating.

37. If I knew someone was coming I would clean my house to the best of my ability. I would never hire someone to clean it. I would cook food for my guests to the best of my ability and budget. I would ask about food preferences or allergies and try to accommodate those. I would not constantly offer food and drinks because that is annoying. People will be asked once or told what is available and they can help themselves.

    It can be different when it is very close family. My parents did not particularly clean my childhood home more than normal when my siblings or I would come visit with our partners and kids. They had plenty of food or drinks we could help ourselves too. They did not expect to bring us everything in what a few years ago had been our home too. They might want to go to a restaurant or get takeout for us instead of cooking- never let us pay. They allowed us to bring our pets with us to their home. They always had a room for us. Our kids dragged out all kinds of toys that they had on hand to entertain them. They were generous people but older and had health issues. I think they were plenty hospitable and when I visited I wanted to make things easier for them like helping them with their computer, helping with yard work, cooking for them, etc. I would never have expected my parents to scour their home or cook giant feasts for me. I bring food when I visit my dad. To me the expectation that my parent would cook or clean more would have been disrespectful.

    Parties don’t often have end times unless it is at a restaurant or rented facility.

38. I clean thoroughly and attempt to make their stay as enjoyable as possible.

    I have several friends of Eastern European background, and I do think that they go above and beyond what Americans typically do, though.

    Like, a group of us office friends went to visit a coworker who had just had a baby. I thought it would just be a casual visit, but she put out this enormous spread for us. It was wonderful but completely unnecessary. I felt kind of bad to put her to the trouble.

    I said as much, not to the host, but one of our mutual friends, and she said it was totally typical for their culture.