It’s so weird. I’m not one who has to be in a relationship and I like my freedom, traveling alone, meeting new people by going to bars alone, making friends, seeing friends, etc. but once I’m in a relationship I don’t know how to enjoy those things anymore unless my partner is with me? So if my partner is away for a weekend or working late all week I feel loneliness I don’t feel when single? And I don’t do stuff I would normally do if I was just single and just kinda be bored and unsatisfied until my partner is available again? It’s so confusing to me lol because people say you have to be comfortable being alone before dating but I always am UNTIL I date lol. Is this just a weird me thing? How do I fix it?
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Yep, I totally fall into this pattern. It’s very annoying because I *know* I am my own person and I *know* I am more than comfortable being alone.
What you have to do is just go do the stuff you would do when you were single so you aren’t just sitting and wallowing. Keep up hobbies, make plans that don’t involve your partner if you know they’re going to be going away. Once my schedule is adequately filled I don’t feel that pang of hurt if he has plans that come up or he just needs a day to be alone, it’s only when I start depending on him too much for my own personal enjoyment in life that I start getting like this. Are there any hobbies you have that he’s not really as into? Do those!
I was feeling happy alone after 2 years of failed attempts at dating. Then 1 day I ran into my now girlfriend and we been together a year and I am living with her. I still get my alone time as well as I still like to have it from time to time.
I can be like this. I think for me, it’s because I compare being single and travelling, going to bars, hanging out with friends, with being single and wasting the day in my bed. The former feels nicer to me. Whereas if I am in a relationship, I compare doing things alone with doing things with my partner. And since I am someone who only dates people I like spending time with, I prefer the latter to the former.
Yeah this has been me. I was mainly okay for the first three years of having my own place and being single but I think Covid times was a rude awakening for me. I feel like it taught me that when big shizz happens people are going to prioritise their partner and/or kids. I definitely got to a place where although I can do everything alone, it would be nice not to have to any more.
100%
I mega relate.
Love/emotional intimacy is a hell of a drug.
I find keeping myself emotionally regulated and calm with meditations on YouTube that I do daily helps keep me grounded and less desperate for the high of being with my partner to feel satisfied and less likely to feel withdrawal when apart.
It really is an addiction of sorts so making sure to keep prioritizing yourself and your self care is important.
Who your partner is also plays a big role. If he is the pull away type it can intensify things a lot.
I feel this so hard with my husband. What really helped was getting my own solo hobby.
We started dating in 2019. Once the pandemic hit, we were spending all our time together and moved in together in June of 2020. I somehow lost my enjoyment of alone time. I feel sort of lost without him around. I think I’ve gotten used to having someone to just chat with in the house or to do things with.
It’s harder to force myself to go do things by myself, but I’ve been trying more lately and it feels good. I started horseback riding twice a week by myself and I really love it. It reminds me I’m my own person with my own hobbies and interests without him around.
Couple things to ponder. I thinks it’s normal/healthy to want your partner around or miss them so accepting that feeling might be a start. I also sometimes wonder with how many distractions we are so used to now that just being alone and bored creates anxiety, especially if we now have a partner that alleviates that sometimes. I think many things come down to accepting a feeling but not getting stuck in it.
Oh for sure. I have a beautiful farm that I’m so content to be by myself with nature on. Except now that I have a long distance boyfriend everything I’m doing, I’m wishing he was doing it with me. If I wasn’t with him I’d be going off to exotic locations for the time I can travel (once a month apx) but now that I’ve got him I want to wait till he can come too and I travel to him instead.
I am like that too
yeah definitely. for me i think part of it is i have adhd and i hyperfixate on the person (this also makes it hard to tell it i actually like someone or i just like the dopamine boost 🫠)
Yeah that is definitely me. I think its because of the hormones that are being released when being with them. Those hormones are quite addictive haha.
This is one of the reasons why I think it’s important for me to find a partner who has his own friends and his own hobbies. Sometimes, especially at the beginning of a new relationship, I need to have that push to remember to spend time doing my own thing and maintaining my other relationships.
Yep same, it sucks but if I meet someone, I get excited to do things with someone and don’t act like myself. Best thing I’ve been trying to do is be aware of it and make sure I have other things to focus my time on too
Some people love their freedom but until u find someone who u can be urself then u truly understand who is good for u or not. Of course respect is # 1 and trust… Then again people have their own definitions. But when we are free we don’t have the need to answer to anyone if we end f ing up. No judgement, but a partner suppose to understand not judge love u for who u are, And also life was not created so we walk alone. Too much of something is not good having that person that loves u and kicks u in the back into the road when u leading astray is honesty a freaking blessing.
yes, but this only lasts a couple years in my experience. my bf went on a 3 week guys trip a little over a year into our relationship and i was devastated and had no clue what to do with myself – looking back now i feel so silly but we were still in that honeymoon phase, i need to be physically near you constantly stage. we’re 2.5 years in now and living together and while we love each other so dearly, sometimes a week or 2 apart is nice! i think you should enjoy that part of new relationship energy without fearing that you’ve lost your independence, it’s very normal.
Yes. For me, it’s codependency and my attachment style. Maybe some stuff you want to look into if you feel it fits
You may want to have a look into codependent traits and the potential reasons behind some of these responses you’re having. It’s been very insightful for me, I’ve got to admit.
I am just like that i like my time alone when not in a relationship but when in one I need to know that I am pleasing and making the lady happy. so I tend to be needy of her attention.
I’m going through this right now. Even more difficult when your partner is really busy. So, this made me seek out a therapist for the first time.
Even when I’m in my relationships I need my alone time. When I was with my ex, I used to go out with them to a bar for girls night and he did the same with his guy friends. He used to like playing videogames and sometimes I would join him because I like it too, but sometimes I’d just go and watch tv, read a book or stare blankly into space lol. Don’t get me wrong. I love to cuddle, go to the movies, eat out or in with a SO, but since I’m an only child I’m used to being alone.
It’s only a problem for me in the first year maybe. Once my partner and I get comfortable and secure in the relationship it’s not such a problem. I mean, I might still miss them during any extended times away from each other. It’s not as hard though and only because I love them so I think it’s a normal amount.
I completely relate to this. I’ve even joked before that being in a relationship makes me a more boring person — I take up fewer hobbies and new interests when I’m dating.
I’m 100% the opposite. When I’m single for too long I lose my damn mind. Depression and frustration taint everything I do.
When i’m a relationship I enjoy time by myself and find my hobbies to be a lot more satisfying.
I have experienced this although I always kind of chalked it up to “transitions are hard” – it was hard to adjust to my SO moving in when I did that but then he had to leave for a month and adjusting to THAT was then hard. I also feel like I have a delayed infatuation cycle compared to the men I date and normally hit that “want to be with you all the time” feeling 4-6 months in while it seems like the men go through that phase much earlier. Not sure what to make of that
I think when we’re single we find ways to keep ourselves occupied because we know there’s a social void we’ll need to fill for an indeterminant amount of time, and we may fill it with different people, different groups, different hobbies, post / comment / lurk on reddit <cough cough>… there may be like 10 different things we do to keep ourselves occupied.
When we start dating someone, that person (at least for some of us, and definitely me) becomes the person we start to rely on for most of our social engagement. We stop seeing at least some of the friends we may have seen regularly when we were single, and stop being a part of the organizations / groups etc.
I don’t think this is a ‘comfortable being alone’ thing when a partner leaves for a weekend. I think we’re just bored and miss the person, and know that we can just ride it out for a few days.
I’m sort of the opposite. I really love my alone time and I’m very independent. When I’m in a relationship where everything is stable and we have a happy life together, I feel like my independent life blossoms in a really healthy way. But being that I ultimately want a partner and family, being single now, I don’t enjoy my alone time or independence because I don’t have my other needs met. I just sort of feel like my life has to be focused on dating more which I really don’t like.
Nearly always. When I’m on my own, not dating or even wanting to date, I’m absolutely in my element. I take myself out on little dates, do things I like to do out in the city, see my friends, journal/meditate/regulate my emotions and, surprisingly, my mental health and anxiety is relatively calm. I can rationalise things well and seem to have it moderately “together”.
Then I think I want to start dating again.
Dating used to be really fun and easygoing. I looked forward to getting dressed up to meet someone new and find out if we clicked. But when I start to catch feelings for someone who is on my wavelength, all of my healthy mental state seems to go out of the window. I’m still able to rationalise to a point, and have gotten vastly better at this since working on myself, but my anxiety levels tend to go through the roof and I’m unable to communicate those feelings to whoever I’m dating, which is fodder for unavailable men. I don’t know why I get so nervous. But I think it’s my body giving me a sign that my mental health is a work in progress and there are things I need to prioritise to help gain more confidence with getting intimate and getting the balance right.
Glad to know that others are going through something similar, as I’ve always felt alone in this. Thank you.
It’s called anxious attachment. I’ve been like this all my life and couldn’t understand why I live happily and independently on my own not needing anyone but as soon as I like someone and we date, it all went to the drain. I really recommend learning more about attachment theory, it’s a nice tool to help to understand yourself and work on that
Look into attachment theory. There are therapists out there that will help you better understand why you feel that way. If you can better understand, it truly helps you interact with other people and better navigate relationships. Carol George has books and offers counseling on this subject. It boils down to how parents treat their children in the first few years and how those children adapted or mal-adapted.
I enjoy the tension of it. It’s part of the magic of being in a relationship to me.
One of the things I like to do to feel close to a partner is write letters if I am away, and put them in the mail. We are still texting / phone calls, but that extra mail piece is another connection.
And I know that the passion will be stronger when we can get back together.
But. Here’s the butt. I find that if the relationship is having problems, and the tension dynamic isn’t working… I find a strong desire to be alone, independent, and content again. I go opposite. That momentum can be hard to stop.
I feel the same! Someone mentioned anxious attachment. Also, I get more goals accomplished when I am single but I really like having a partner. It’s an oxymoron. I think it’s all about learning about yourself and planning ahead for these moments when you feel lonely and think back what you would do when single
For sure. The way I plan to address this with future relationships is to not change my life upfront and not prioritize them. Take things slow. I’m not going to skip a gym session for them, or break up my routine, just like I would for any other person, I will schedule dates around my life and not prioritize dates with this person. I will prioritize my own life. If things are going well and heat up, that’s great, but I shouldn’t ever give up my hobbies or me time for someone… so given that, if they go away for a weekend or something, it should be easy to fill the time with projects and not hyperfocus on their absence. Of course it’s ok to miss them, but if I have nothing else to fill my time I’m not helping myself and I’ve probably gone wrong somewhere along the way.
Maybe it’s wishful thinking, but that’s the goal!
I’m the opposite. I started dating and tend to really miss my alone time now. Not that I feel smothered or anything, and my partner is pretty great, but I spent quite a few years where 100% of my free time was, well, free to do with as I pleased, and now it’s not. I never struggled to fill my free time with things that I enjoy, so adding in a partner/relationship has taken quite a bit away from that and occasionally I feel overwhelmed by all the things I *want* to do but no longer have time for as I have to give my time to someone else
No I always hate being alone. I can be. And will be. I’m not desperate and I’m not gonna settle just so I won’t be alone.
But I hate being alone.
Me 100%. I think it’s mostly because of my insecure attachment style, which I’m working to change to secure. You might want to read about attachment styles and how they affect relationships.
Opposite problem. I’m very good when alone but still get lonely, though it’s mostly just for romance and sex – not for filling the time, as I’m great at entertaining myself.
Then I get into a relationship and every gf I’ve ever had wants to spend more time together than I do because I do value my alone time so much. I start feeling claustrophobic and end things.
This is the curse of being an introvert and having trauma from an overly intrusive parent growing up.