Hi all, apologies for the wall of text, and grammar/punctuation errors, this is being typed on my phone. My husband and I have been married one year but together about 10. Prior to marriage we only lived a few months together due to him being from a strict traditional background, he’s quite liberal but his family is not. He is an outgoing man, the life of the party everyone loves him and if we are at a social gathering everyone will know his name, and befriend him by the end of the night. He’s amazing.
The problem: he is just clumsy and careless, to the point where anything “dumb” he does it makes me snap. When we first began living together I would gently remind him not to do things and be patient with some of the things he does. A year later I feel like I have no tolerance at all and I’m snapping at him a lot. A few examples that are not in chronological order:
– fidgets with anything and everything, and breaks 90% of these things
– he has this cough that I’ve been asking him to get checked out for over a year, he has a hacking fit almost every day and gags to the point of almost throwing up. Now every time this happens I either tell him to go do it somewhere else or just turn my headphones up.
– we were at the dog park and he was playing around with the dog’s leash, he wanted to loop me in pull me in, instead he smacked me really hard on the head. I snapped.
– we were leaving a venue after attending an even with friends, while we were walking to our car a nearby car was playing a song he loves, he started just dancing and carelessly waving his arms, and accidentally punched me in the face. I snapped.
– a few weeks ago he hurt his knee at basketball, it’s not a light injury because he has a torn ACL from the past. I had to take over the dog walking and listened to him complain and of course stepped in to help, brought him things from upstairs/downstairs for two weeks. He starts getting better, and we attended a big wedding with several events. On the first night he drinks a lot and starts jumping and going crazy while dancing, then the complaining about his knee starts again. Does he stop jumping? No. Does he stop drinking? Also No. In the midst of all of this he also smacks me again when a song he longs comes on, I didn’t snap but of course I told him that he still has to do all of his duties and I no longer want to hear the complaining about his knee. On the next two events the same thing, jumping hurting knee and complaining.
– a week after the wedding, his knee feels better and we are moving into our condo. His friends swing by to help us move stuff and my husband goes on the bed of the truck and then jumps off, the knee debacle starts again he comes inside to complain. I shut him down and tell him I’m tired of him doing stupid shit, and I don’t want to hear it anymore.
– last example, I work two jobs, my part-time job is remote but my productivity is tracked. When switching from task to task, I have to change a presence status. One day he lets the dog out to pee in the yard, we don’t usually do this but this day it was raining particularly bad, he then tells me he’s heading out to meet a friend and will be back in a bit. When I went on my break I got up to get some food and noticed my freshly cleaned floor to be completely dirty and wet, we just let the dog in without cleaning her.
There are so many more examples of so many little things that are draining me, I am becoming less understanding and more impatient. I don’t know if I just have a short fuse or if I am justified to feel like my husband is just not listening or not aware of anything other than himself. I love him and I don’t want to just snap every time he does something wrong. I want him to continue being happy-go-lucky, but notice everything around him. I also feel like I have to nag him about keeping things organized and not just leaving projects everywhere.
TL;DR my husband does a lot of careless things and it’s driving me nuts, and I’m becoming impatient with him to the point that every time he does something clumsy I snap
5 comments
Tell us why you love him and describe some of his positive qualities.
It sounds really frustrating for you. But honestly, it’s probably even moreso for him because it sounds like you are trying to Mom him. You have only been married a year and yet you have zero patience and are extremely uptight and are pissed because he’s just being himself. The things you said about him, he’s outgoing, everyone loves him, he knows everyone by the end of the night make him sound like a lot of fun, but maybe just not for you.
So why did you marry him after knowing him 10 years? He didn’t just start being this way a year ago.
He is who he is. You need to adjust your expectations. And talk to him. Don’t snap at him. That is completely unhelpful and will only make things worse.
This is why it’s important to live together BEFORE getting married. However, most of your examples are things that happen outside the home so…how did you not know this about him after a decade of dating?
I don’t really think you’re overreacting as those things would bother me too. But this is who he is, how he is. Pretty core personality traits that aren’t going to change. So you have to decide if this stuff is a dealbreaker or not and go from there.
I would sit him down and tell him if he wants to be with you that he must get his cough checked out. Not normal to have a nagging cough for over a year, and it could be something serious. If he won’t listen and commit to this important thing then it’s hopeless to expect he’s going to fix/change anything else.
And honestly he sounds immature and inconsiderate more than he sounds clumsy. Like he doesn’t consider the people around him at all as he goes through life doing stupid and immature stuff. Something like letting a dirty dog in the house is not clumsy. That’s just being lazy. All these incidents with his knee are not clumsy; they’re him being careless and immature. I’m not sure how you can reconcile all this with him for the next 50 years.
Honestly, if it were me…. I would insist that he get on medication and regular therapy. This sounds like completely uncontrolled ADHD
He is so completely out of control that he has literally punched you in the face at least three times in less than a year.
He can’t go a week without impulsively re injuring his knee.
He’s breaking and damaging things constantly.
I would not live like this. He needs to be accountable for himself and his actions.