I’ve been with my (f35) boyfriend (m34) on and off for about 6 years. He’s sweet, funny, curious, and kind, however we have some major conflicts that so far have prevented us from moving forward in our commitment.
1) he has an animal aggressive and mostly untrained 70 lb dog and I have two cats whom I love with all my heart. His dog is also pretty destructive when unsupervised: digging deep holes in his mattress and couch, chewing the wood on his doorframes, peeing on the floor.
2) he works in technical theater and works long hours and an inconsistent schedule, and is not paid a living wage. He so far has not been interested in leaving this industry and lives paycheck to paycheck (more on this later).
3) I keep a 10 pm-6 am sleep schedule and he is naturally nocturnal and if given the choice would sleep from 5 am-3 pm. This means that unless he has to get up, he doesn’t. This impacts our ability to meaningfully hang out together on our days off.
4) I’ve always wanted kids and until recently he did not. About a year ago he told me he wanted to have a baby with me and we started trying. I got pregnant, but unfortunately had a miscarriage. It was during tech week for a play that he was working on, and he was unable to really support me because he was working 18 hour days.
5) in the last year I’ve lent him 2k (for rent and to cover a trip to the ER for his dog).
6 months ago we made a plan to move in together at the end of the summer. We found a beautiful spacious house that we believe will allow us to keep our animals separate. When we chose the house I asked him to let me know if he needed help with the first/last/security. He said it was fine. 12 hours before we were set to sign the lease I asked him about the money and it turns out that he only has $550 of the $1700 that he owes. I can cover him, but I feel really betrayed that he did not bring this up to me earlier. I also feel really scared that this is just the beginning of me being financially responsible for him and digging myself into a hole. I am not wealthy by any means. I am an occupational therapist and will probably never make 100k/yr and I have tons of student debt.
I love this man. I am terrified of entangling our finances and worried that a future with him is full of stress and loss. I feel betrayed that he didn’t give me more warning about how dire his financial situation is. We are supposed to sign the lease in 3 hours and if we don’t we lose our perfect dream rental.
Should I front the money and move in with him hoping that things get better? Or should I cut my losses and break up with this sweet man as soon as he wakes up (it’s nearly 6 am and we are a going to sign the lease at 9 am)? Is there a way to support his development of better financial habits so that our relationship doesn’t implode from stress?
48 comments
I mean you said it yourself he’s digging you into a financial mess you really want to be with that? Honestly the way you describe him he’s not as nice as he seems
this sounds like a really compley situation. I think it would be better to discuss this with your partner, if you ever feel like something is not right in your relationship, either fix it, or cut it. Have a proper conversation with them when it’s proper timing, and best of luck to sort it out. If you really Love them, it’s not neccessary to break up over this. I would recommend having a proper discussion about this
Absolutely DO NOT sign the lease with this guy.
DO NOT.
Go ahead and keep dating him but keep your financial security away from him. And wtf is he doing owning a dog? You want to have an infant around that dog?
Things don’t magically get better. He’s irresponsible. You see it woth his dog and his financial situation. You will always be carrying him. You’ll be solely responsible for the children. Think long and hard before you commit to a future with a guy who will never be home, has no ambition, and will always rely on you for everything.
I would not sign the lease, no damn way. You’re signing up to pay for everything, to not spend much time with him because he’ll either be working or sleeping, to do all of the child care because of the same, to have to take care of his awful dog, to live in a filthy hellhole because of said dog. Life will be miserable for you.
For god’s sake, don’t sign a lease with this guy unless you want to be broke and have all your possessions ruined by his uncontrolled dog. Why on earth would you think anything is going to get better when he has made zero effort to make them better? You can love someone and realize you’re incompatible, though tbh I can’t imagine who this guy would be compatible with.
If you want to stay with him, and you can afford to pay the entire rent yourself, then rent the house yourself, don’t have his name on the lease, and have him pay you rent.
It sounds like he’s a gold digger who knows he needs to baby trap you if he wants to continue having potential access to your money. The longer this goes the more stuck you’ll be. He’s been secretive about finances because he knew you’d be rightly concerned and is only bringing it up now so you have very little time to contemplate the repercussions of your decision.
Be aware of the baby trapping I doubt he actually changed his mind because he’s not backing it with actions.
Love isn’t enough.
And you already know, even without the money issue, he apparently lacks motivation to better himself and support a partner. I don’t know iw why you would be trying to have a child together. He is struggling to simply support himself.
He sounds like a bum. He’s way too old to not have some sort of skills to improve his finances. Money struggles suck but money struggles with a kid REALLY sucks. I had my kids in my 20s when we struggling and I don’t regret it but man was it a tough time and we were married, owned a home, he had a job with growth, and I had a college degree. Makes for a tough time if your relationship is already struggling.
Please do not have a child with him.
He doesn’t even take proper care of his dog! The dog is going to kill your cats, wreck the house, cost you big bucks. Maybe if the poor dog got some exercise and training and wasn’t being left alone for so long, it wouldn’t be destroying things.
The guy is fiscally irresponsible. I get that people run into hard times and it’s normal to help out a partner here or there. But he’s 34 and can’t support himself. He can’t even pay his share now and you don’t live together yet!
The rest is just fundamental incompatibility.
Don’t move in with this guy. Stop dating this guy. Maybe if he gets his shit together, you can revisit the relationship. But as it stands now, he is not a good partner, dog owner, or standalone adult.
>Should I front the money and move in with him hoping that things get better?
No, they will not get better.
If you stay with this boy it will be on your dime. Nothing necessarily wrong with that, but that is your future with him.
Do not sign a lease with this man. Do not have a baby with this man. Ever.
He lives paycheck to paycheck but didn’t save enough of his paychecks to actually live at the house you want to move into. Like, DAY ONE of living together you have to take on more than 2/3 of his expenses. When he already owes you $2000 that he also hasn’t taken any steps to save up to pay you back. Do you really think that is going to change? So now you are at $3200 you have given him. Even if you don’t break up with him you have to tell him that you can’t take on the risk and expense of living with him and he’ll need to get himself in better financial shape or it’s not ever happening. But after six years I think unless you want this to be your life, you should end it.
Also, he didn’t even mention that he didn’t have the money 12 hours before. You brought it up. What was his plan? To rob a bank before the signing or surprise you with the extra cost in front of the property manager where you would feel even more obligated to cover for him?
Better to lose your perfect dream rental than to get your finances and life tied up legally with this guy. He has already showed you who he is. You should believe him.
Well that’s going to be your future if you stay with him, those are the prospects and that’s the kind of man that he is.
You guys have multiple *major* incompatibilities. The relationship makes zero sense logistically and you will be the one who suffers the consequences.
I’m sorry to say, but sometimes love just isn’t enough. This is one of those cases.
Don’t move in with his dog, because at some point, it is inevitable that the dog will have access to the cats and they will be torn to shreds.
Don’t have a baby with him and don’t move in. Your lifestyle is incompatible. Love won’t change him.
This does not seem healthy or mature. He sounds like a bit of a bum even if he is a nice guy. No self-respecting well-adjusted adult lets their dog rip up their furniture and piss on their floors. It is extremely irresponsible to want to bring a child into an environment where one person can not afford their bills, has no schedule or structure and can’t control their pet. No, I’m sorry but there is no way for you to teach an unwilling person how to manage their life and finances in 1 hour.
Don’t front him the money. He will never be fiscally responsible or at your level with a career that doesn’t pay a living wage. Your instincts are spot on. I wish more of us had it. His potential can’t pay the bills.
As you said he will not change jobs so I would not sign. Until he is will to get a second job I would
Not move nor have a child with him.
You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped or hasn’t put any effort to improving themselves. He just expects you to take care of him. It’s not your responsibility to. He needs to be responsible for himself. Student debt will come before your living expenses whether you want it to or not. You need to plan for that.
A fine hobosexual gentleman who lives in the magic land.
TBH I would not move in with or continue a relationship with someone who is this irresponsible. You can change him – what you see is what you get.
Red flags waving all over = don’t proceed with this man-child.
This is the best it will get.
He made a serious effort to keep his word and impress you, and scrounged 30%.
Wait till the lease is signed, and he no longer has to keep up appearance. I don’t believe he will ever manage 30% of rent.
You two just seem so incompatible.
*Girl* pick your standards off the floor.
For the love of *fuck* do not stay with this irresponsible mess of a man.
This man lied to you by omission, leading you to believe he would be an equal partner financially whennhe is incapable of doing so.
You are a meal-ticket for him.
Get *out* of that relationship *now*.
34 isn’t too old to be chasing dreams and being a bum. But if he wants a girlfriend, then damn, have some goddamn dignity.
He needs to get a job, no matter how much he sacrifices his dream. If he has kept at it this long then it’s unlikely you are the priority unfortunately.
1. Stop trying to have a baby with this man who cannot support himself and doesn’t seem to have any time for you. What do you think is going to change if you have a child with him? He will neglect both you and the child plus you will now be responsible for supporting two adults, a baby and three animals.
2. Stop “lending” him money – you do know that you will NEVER get this back don’t you?
3. Someone who is 35 years old and doesn’t have his shit togethre is unlikely to ever have his shit together
4. What’s going to happen when his dog destroys the new rental – who will be responsible to pay for that?
5. This man is showing you who he is and its not pretty.
6. There are worse things than being alone. You are being sucked dry financially – did it not ever occur to you that you are being used financially?
moving in will make it worse. not better. you will be financing him forever. do not move in with him. do NOT have his kid either.
The man is in his thirties if he wanted to change he would of you are his meal ticket to shelter, financial, romantic and sexual needs close on the house yourself or get a nice place for you one and the animals you have do NOT have kids with this man
> Should I front the money and move in with him hoping that things get better?
Absolutely not. Things will not get better. This is who he is.
Uh, Well it’s probably too late now, but yea, do not move in with a guy who doesn’t have at least 1 salary in savings in case of emergency and who is gonna keep asking you for moneys, and whose dog will destroy your home and make you miserable. Sorry! But I think you will be happier if you live alone. Him moving in will destroy everything and you guys will break up. Good luck!
Unfortunately life is not a movie. Love isn’t enough.
If you choose to continue on the relationship with this guy nothing is going to change and you’re going to be pulling your hair out forever.
You just have to ask yourself if it’s worth it.
Don’t do it. I did it with my ex it took me years to fix my credit.
You don’t want to be with a little boy who doesn’t want to adult. Snap out of your dreams with him because he’s not going to deliver. Time to wake up and smell the break up. Unless you want to continue to be his ATM…
When the red flags are the size of a skyscraper and are flashing like a Christmas tree but you still decide to continue towards them. 😉
All it’s going to take is one irresponsible moment from him where he fails to properly secure a door and his dog gets access to your cats.
Noooooooo back out of the lease now. Do not move in with this man who will drag you into debt and whose dog will likely end up killing your cats. (He irresponsible so you just know he’ll forget to close a door and the dog will get to the cats.)
Holy hell. Do NOT have a baby with this man child. He can’t even support himself and would sleep all day if you let him, how does he sound like a good candidate for a father? He can’t even train his dog and you think he’ll raise your kids? Reality check. He is living paycheck to paycheck, is “nocturnal”, and can’t even cover his share of expenses. Continue to live separate and for the love of god do not procreate with him unless you want to be a not single single mother.
Close to 40, can’t be bothered to train his dog, has a shit career and isn’t changing anything about that, and can’t even come up with a tiny bit of cash for a lease.
You are dating a loser op. Anytime you’re “not making a living wage” but sitting in that career for a decade plus without any attempt at change, you are 100% a loser.
You should break up. You’ll be babying this child all your life otherwise.
Girl…
You’re not compatible. You should start to accept that.
A man who can’t take care of his own dog can’t take care of a family unit.
Things won’t get better. Starting with the opposing schedules you have which trickled into him not being able to properly care for his dog. Not to mention he doesn’t have ambition to progress in his career. He may be a great guy but he has a lot of growing up to do. Most recent his lack of communication with the money needed for the lease. It will get worse and you’ll be hurting not just your heart but your pockets as well. I hate to say it but you’ll have to consider this relationship.
This guy has incredibly shitty judgment, including keeping a dangerous dog. You will never be able to keep your cats safe or create a good home for children with him.
It’s time to let him go.
Why would you accept this? He sounds like he has no good qualities, no ambition, is irresponsible and a bad dog owner. A baby with him would be a disaster and you would end up with 2 kids on your hands with no help.
Oh babe your standards are so low it’s not even funny. This is who he is. If this is not how you want to live your life, then he is not the man for you.