We have been together for 2 years now. It’s been a great relationship for the most part but her parents have been overtly controlling the entire time. Just for example her parents have not let us be out past 8pm throughout our entire relationship even though she’s 24 and I’m 23.
For about the last 6 months we have hardly seen eachother because her parents told her if she keeps seeing me that they’ll never talk to her again and kick her out. They said this because one day at dinner they insulted me and I very respectfully said that the things they were saying about me made me feel disrespected by them, but they are the type of people that are very emotionally unintelligent and it’s always their way or the highway. So we have only been able to hang out in secret when her parents are both at work. In the past 6 months At most we have seen eachother 6 or 7 times.
I realize this is no way to have a relationship and I decided I just want to end it with her. Part of it is that I don’t want her to pick me over her parents and in the future me and her break up and she is left with absolutely no one (not that I foresee us breaking up, but I’m being realistic that it is a possibility).
She is a very codependent person on me and she really doesn’t have any friends or people to really talk to. So I am nervous to break up with her now when her relationship with her parents has deteriorated and she’ll have absolutely no one with her during a tough time.
I’ve decided to wait a little bit until her relationship with her parents heals a bit, but what is the best way to break things off with her when she has such a small support system? I was thinking about getting her to go to therapy now for the problems she’s having and when I break up with her that it would be better for her to have someone to talk to.
TLDR: I want to break up with my girlfriend after hiding our relationship from her parents or else they will disown her. How can I do it easily?
31 comments
I’m in the same situation and just wants to comment to see what other people think
This is a tough situation. I can understand why you’re hesitant to break up with your gf right now, especially given her lack of support system. Maybe try talking to her about potential therapy for her issues and when that’s in place, bring up the possibility of breaking things off. That way she has someone to talk to before and after the breakup. It won’t be easy but it might be the best way out.
You’ve been together two years and only physically were together 6 or 7 times??? This is a really weird situation, just tell her how you feel. Most people wouldn’t consider this a real relationship unless LDR is involved. Even so once every 4 months, especially with the 8pm curfew seems like it would be… difficult to consider this continuing.
Also curious how one establishes codependency when you’re never together? Just a lot of texting?
You just break up with her. There will never be a good time. She will be upset, there is no way around that. And she has to be the one who decides to go to therapy or not.
“I’ve given this a lot of thought and I think we should break up. I am asking for some space to heal, so please do not contact me. I wish you all the best.” Do not promise to stay friends or keep in contact. Make it a clean break.
she grows up or you break up
There is no “easy” way to break up with someone. Just tell her that you want to break up, and follow through with it
Just wanna say this…
> Part of it is that I don’t want her to pick me over her parents.
That’s her choice, not yours, maybe she doesn’t want to be controlled by her parents anymore and to her YOU are worth it.
Just wanted to put that out there, good luck OP it’s a difficult situation.
She needs to move out, ideally.
>Part of it is that I don’t want her to pick me over her parents
Youre disrespecting her by not letting her choose for herself….
>TLDR: I want to break up with my girlfriend after hiding our relationship from her parents or else they will disown her.
Again: talk to her. Ask if she is willing to risk this to be with you.
Look…
Nowhere in here you.mention feelings… dont you want to be with her?? Let her decide for herself what she wants to risk – its not your place to take that decision for her…
So the two of you are LDR?
>I’ve decided to wait a little bit until her relationship with her parents heals a bit
Gently, you might be waiting a very, very long time. If her parents are as volatile and controlling as you describe, you have no idea what might send the relationship into another downward spiral. Particularly while she’s still living under their roof. This could take *years*, and you’d be increasingly uncomfortable going through the motions of a relationship that you’ve already emotionally checked out of. That is not a wise or kind choice for either of you.
If you’ve made your decision, then you need to act on it. This will not be a pain-free conversation no matter when you do it, so you might as well do it sooner rather than later. Be respectful but be firm. Don’t get drawn into long explanations or justifications in an attempt to make her feel better about this. The relationship isn’t working for you, you can’t move forward with her, you feel terrible that it worked out this way but your decision is final and you sincerely wish her all the best. If any belongings of hers are still in your possession, you’ll figure out a safe way to get them to her in the near future.
There’s not going to be an easy way, especially if she’s co-dependent like you say. You’re just going to have to be kind, but firm that the relationship is over. Block her and her parents if you have to.
I’m just throwing this out there, but based on some stuff in your post history I don’t think we’re getting the real story here.
>Part of it is that I don’t want her to pick me over her parents
You really shouldn’t see it this way. It has less to do with you and more about the fact that they’re disrespecting their daughter by being hostile to the person she chooses to have a relationship with. Unless there’s some toxic relationship dynamic that they’re concerned about then she should want to cut them out of her life if they’re that controlling. As two fully grown adults I wouldn’t give her deadbeat parents that kind of power to dictate who she’s able to be in love with.
It’s really shitty to break up with someone ‘for their own good’. Like no, they get to decide what’s best for them. Now it’s totally reasonable to want to meet up with your partner more than once a month, and that’s a totally valid reason to break things off, but not this for her own good bs.
Like think about it. Her over controlling parents aren’t going to get any better with you out of the picture. They’re just going to keep her isolated and alone. You leaving isn’t going to fix anything because the problem isn’t you, it’s her parents being toxic and over controlling.
So my advice would be to talk with her about how often you’re seeing each other. Offer to help her but tell her she needs to help herself as well. If she isn’t willing to find a way to stand up to her parents and get some independence, then break up.
If you don’t want to be with her, then you should break up with her. There’s no easy way to do it, you just be as honest as you can and follow through with it.
As for the other stuff and “reasons”… she is an adult, she is capable of making decisions for herself, if she wants to be with you despite her parents view, that is up to her entirely. If that’s just an excuse you’ve come up with to make yourself feel like you are doing it for her, then yeah, break up with her but do not use that as a reason. You’ll be as bad as her parents for not giving her a choice.
Why is she letting them control her so much? She’s an adult and should be living her life the way she wants it. If I was her, I’d be moving out or putting my foot down and doing what I want. Not allowed out last 8pm…. That’s totally unreasonable and honestly, why would she go along with that? She needs to be brave and stand up for herself, not hide the fact she’s dating you.
People are harping on how you don’t get to make the decision for her, but here’s the other side of that coin – *she doesn’t get to make the decision for you, either.* Her desires carry no more weight than yours. But man, if I were you, I’d get out of this relationship post haste because although her parents say they’ll disown her, they won’t. People like them get off on the drama they cause in other peoples’ lives, and they’re not going to throw away their punching bag that quickly.
As long as you continue to date her, her parents will be a part of your life. She refuses to stand up to them, and your life will be a non-stop episode of Jerry Springer.
As for the actual breakup, keep it quick. “This relationship is not working out for me, but I hope you find someone who is a better fit for you in the future.” It doesn’t have to be a ten-minute speech where you list every problem you have (do NOT do this because every time you give a reason, you give her room to argue or attempt to negotiate), but the shorter you keep it, the better.
Remember, it is not your job to save her. *It is her job to save herself*, and until she does that, she has no business bringing another person into this toxic mess.
Yea dude yall are full blown adults, if she hasn’t stood up for herself, or made moves toward independence from her parents at all she’s never going to.
Just do it bluntly. Tell her the harsh truth. She will never find a partner with her controlling parents in her life. End things with her. She is unwilling to break all ties with abusive controlling parents
Honestly, being disowned sounds like the best thing that could happen to her. She’s in her mid twenties and her parents are controlling and manipulating her into staying in their home and staying single for probably the rest of her life. This is not normal, it’s not healthy, and they’re quite honestly going to ruin her life if she keeps staying as she is.
If you choose to break up with her: it’s understandable, this sounds like a very stressful situation and everyone has a limit of what they can take, I likely would have walked away long ago. In the past, when I had to end it with someone who was just very isolated and lonely, I shared some resources for him to meet new people that shared his interests. Bumble bff is a great friendship resource. I’d also recommend giving her a book on toxic parents and how to break free from their manipulation. There are heaps.
If you choose to stay with her: if you love her and are only ending this so she doesn’t end her relationship with her parents? Tell her to move in with you. Help get her out of there. She will be so much happier free of them.
News flash, no one will ever be good enough for their little girl! So you might as well help her get out of there. From the sound of it, her parents seem abusive anyway, so all the better if they cut her off. Now you and your family can be her new family.
Your girlfriend needs to decide: either she continues living under the thumb of her abusive parents, or she breaks free.
Sit her down and tell her this: “I want, more than anything, to be with you. But I can’t keep having this relationship in secret whilst your parents control your every move. It’s not normal and it’s not fair for either of us. If you choose to get away from them, I will support you in every way. But I can’t keep going the way things are now. What do you choose?”
Lol… 8pm curfew. You’re grown adults. Why is she tolerating this shit?
She needs to move out and tell her parents to pound sand. Being kicked out would be the best thing that could ever happen to her.
Honestly, it sounds like you should have broken up with her much sooner.
She’s 24. She’s a year older than you and she seems like she’s a 16 year old. The fact that she’s allowing her parents to interfere with her life like this is already a red flag in my books. Not to mention seeing each other six or seven times in six months? I’ve had FWBs I saw more often than that.
As for how to deal with her, I’d just be brutally honest. She’s not going to take it well however you do it. You don’t have to be cold, but you have to tell her the plain truth, which is that she needs to establish some better boundaries with her parents and grow up a little. Say that even if she chose you over her, the fact that it would come to that to you is the problem. You’re just too far apart.
Don’t worry about her relationship with her parents. They’ll be happy you’re gone, and ultimately she has to choose for herself whether to stay under their thumb, or claim some independence – for herself first and foremost.
If you really really feel bad about it, you can offer to keep the lines of communication open, but a clean break is better. Remember that the root of this breakup is not the fact that her parents hate you and they’re controlling d-bags – the problem is that she allows her parents to trample all over her.
She’s an adult and should start acting like it.
Gotta rip off the bandaid. Just be direct and tell her. It’s gonna cause pain. You can’t avoid that. You’re both still young, as painful as it is you will both move on from it with time.
Giving up happiness to make someone else happy ends one way … you getting the short end of the deal EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Look out for #1 player, that’s you. You’re a man, nobody coming to save you. Put on your battle armer and hit everything head on. I say this out of pure love, I spent my entire life being a SIMP only to be alone at the end. Fight for what you believe to be right and you will always come out on top.
It sounds like she has very controlling parents??! I’ve had controlling parents, there was guys that they wanted me to date (that I did end up dating) and guys they really didn’t want me to date (never dated them, despite I wanted to). The ex boyfriends my parents approved of were very simliar like my parents, controlling, wasteful with money, manipulative, and kind of verbally abusive. It sucked. I ended up in a very dark place, depressed, not eating, and I would over exercise. Exercising and food was the only control I had in my life, I get too obsessive with it. I was too nice of a person and a people pleaser, which didn’t help. I was sheltered most of my life up until I was 15ish, and I was homeschooled. I knew F all. I ended up with a really abusive man, who was my last ex, which this time round my parents didn’t have any say whatsoever because I ran away to a different to be with him, I was 23. Dumb idea on my part, but I really wanted to get away from controlling, judgemental, lying people. I’m surprised my parents didn’t butt in or disapproved when I first started dating my current partner? Maybe it could be because he saved me? Who knows. They realize now he’s just an absolute angel, and they love him. Good. But still it doesn’t mean I forgive them for the past, and I refuse to move back to my hometown. I like how I see them in small doses instead. I’m grateful for my confident little sister, she doesn’t let neither mom or dad control her in anyway, and it’s so funny how she is making their lives difficult. Trust me, they deserve it. My brother and I never had the balls. Dad is scared of her, especially since she’s very witty and calls him out for his bullcrap. Honestly, she is more mature than both mom and dad, it’s crazy.
Your partner’s parents will only get in the way if your partner allows it.
I’m south East Asian and come from a Muslim family so having controlling parents feels all too familiar. Parents threatening to kick you out, disown you, telling you that they don’t want you coming to their funeral, setting a curfew, I’ve heard and experienced all of it. And it has definitely gotten in the way of dating, but it honestly came down to me and how willing I was to make it work with someone.
I am 25 now, in a healthy relationship with someone who is not Asian or Muslim. I got a job and moved far away because I did not want my life to be controlled and I am very happy with my partner. Things do get better, even if they are bad in the beginning but two years does seem like a long time. If your girlfriend is someone who cannot stand up to her parents for herself and her happiness (of being with you), then idk if I see a lot of hope in this relationship.
If I were in your shoes, I would probably share with my partner how much I love them but how my needs are not being fulfilled and I don’t see the situation with parents being hateful getting better. And THEN ask then what they can do to make this situation better. Allow your girlfriend to show you how much being with you is important to her.
There’s no right time to break up with someone. You just have to do it, she’ll figure it out.
All I have to say is you’re very emotionally intelligent and a good person for even thinking about half the things you wrote out here.
Best of luck!!
There must be a reason ( your looks, race, religion, attitude) something, that they don’t like you. If you really love her, find out what it is and make the effort to change their minds