Venting/looking for advice.
Im a SAHM mom of a 14 month old. My husband has a very demanding job so I pretty much do it all. Taking care of the babe is pretty all consuming. So as a result other things slip sometimes – the dishes, vacuuming or laundry might get behind every so often. Small things like that tend to upset my husband who sometimes acts like I’m home all day, so why can’t I get simple things like that done. He can be childish and immature when he gets upset and will say like “I work all day for money to support you guys and you can’t even try to keep the house clean”. This is an exaggeration and the house is much neater than most ppl I know. This morning when he was especially mad because I was up with the baby a lot last night, and didn’t get up early enough to make him breakfast or coffee before he left for work, he threatened to take my phone and the car keys “because he pays for it”. He didn’t take my phone, but did take the car keys… and the brew basket for the coffee pot so I couldn’t make coffee (wtf)
Now I’m not making excuses for him ( maybe I am) but I know a lot of this anger stems from feeling like I don’t have time for him, he’s not great at expressing his feelings and is pretty emotionally immature so instead of saying he is feeling deserted in our relationship or feeling like he’s missing her childhood etc he lashes out and does childish BS like that. I feel like his respect for me is gone and idk if it can come back. When he’s mad he name calls, yells, does childish things like described. Etc. this isn’t to say he’s always like that. He will also help around the house, do yard work etc.
Idk how to fix our relationship, but it’s hard for me to be the bigger person when he’s acting like that – so the situation just perpetuates. I’ve asked him in the past to go to counseling with me and he won’t do it. I consider leaving him more than I’d like to admit, but I’m dependent on him right now and I don’t know how to navigate it.
Any and all advice appreciated!
9 comments
As a man, your husband is an asshole. No other way to put it. The house is never going to be spotless with a child. Children have bad nights which don’t allow you to sleep well, so you sleep in. It happens. However, what is not acceptable is that poor ass reaction he is having. What you need to do which is very hard, is sit him down, and say yes you make the money. And I appreciate all the hard work you do, but I will never be disrespected like this again. I was up with our child last night so you can get a full night of rest. I do that more often than you are aware of. I deserve much better treatment than you are giving me. You may even need to say that if this continues we may need to divorce.
Anything less than an apology and better behavior to me, is a sign he will only get worse and will lead to further abusive situations. Honestly you sound like a god send compared to some women out there. I know I would never act that way, and would expect the house to not be perfect. Plus I would be appreciative and not threatening to take away. But I am me and not him. But you op, need to put your foot down and stop this behavior as it will just further intensify, and become more abusive.
Just because your daytime job happens to be at home raising your child DOES NOT absolve your husband of doing his fair share when he gets home.
You’re a stay at home PARENT, your job is to raise your child during the day. You’re not a personal housekeeper and secretary for your husband.
His behavior is absolutely not okay and he should be taking some responsibility around the home as parent and a partner. Is it an option to have him stay at home with your child for a weekend and you go visit family or have a little trip and then he can see how much work it actually is?
You’re going to have to die on that hill. For heaven’s sake, push back. Don’t believe the name-calling or the verbal assaults. He’s being a bully, throwing a tantrum, and acting like a child, so treat him like one.
You’re already the bigger person because he’s a man-child.
Tell him to make his own f***ing breakfast!
If he starts yelling, leave with the baby and tell him you’ll return when he calms down and is willing to talk like an adult with responsibilities.
Just because he makes all the money does not absolve him from his responsibilities as a partner and parent.
Your husband is an ass and if you let him get away with that behavior, you’re gonna have a miserable life. You need a plan ASAP.
Is it possible for him to take one day off (or weekend day) and do 100% of the childcare and home chores to maybe give him a different perspective?
Taking the car keys sounds like an a-hole move or even abusive.
My wife and I worked full time with toddler using day care and the house was definitely (and still is) far messier than before kids. Kids make a ton of mess and you have less time to clean up.
Wow. I am so sorry. You chose a shit husband.
Make sure you do not get pregnant again!
You can try marriage counseling but I don’t think that can change someone’s personality. If you are able to try counseling and it doesn’t change anything get your self ready with a good divorce attorney. Children should not grow up in a household where the father is as much of an asshole. As your child gets older, they will see how your husband treats you. You deserve better.
This is financial abuse. Remind him that caring for and creating a good child with strong character and good health is THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB a person can do in this life, man or woman.
His job is not more superior or harder than yours. Actually your job is harder and more superior than his. YOU ARE LITERALLY CONTINUING HIS BLOODLINE. He needs to remember that and be appreciative of it.
When he makes snarky comments like that, remind him that life used to be like this for families until just recently and men did not complain because they understood what it takes to make a house a home & raise good, healthy kids.
If he still chooses to not see the value in being a SAHM, then I would leave him.
So sorry to hear the lack of support and understanding you are receiving from your husband. The resentment from his demands on you will only get worse if you do not get immediate intervention, either from a marriage and family therapist, or from a trusted older couple who can mentor both of you and share their experience of caring for a new baby. It’s too early to throw in the towel. Your child benefits most from a 2 parent family. It sounds like your husband is having a hard time accepting the fact that you are no longer available to serve him hand and foot since baby came into the picture. This new transition in both your lives will require sacrifice, patience, and grace towards one another. Lack of sleep, lack of intimacy, and lack of kindness for one another is a recipe for a lifeless marriage. When I had my first child, my sister gifted me with house cleaning service once a month for a year. I was so grateful for the extra time to rest and restore myself. Do you have family support around? I pray you will be able to speak truth in love to your husband and get the intervention you need ASAP.