My (21F) fiancé (26M) has always had a porn addiction. It’s gotten (somewhat) better over the past 3 years, but it’s still something that bothers me. It’s not the fact that he watches porn that bothers me, it’s the fact that he will pay for it, hide it from me, and watch it more than he has sex with me. So, a while ago, we came to an agreement:
1) No paying for porn
2) No hiding it
3) No watching porn more than he has sex with me
4) No messaging these girls or commenting on their stuff
This worked for a while until I got pregnant. I’m currently 6 months pregnant and our sex levels have dropped. If we do anything sexual, it’s usually always me initiating and getting nothing in return. I can just tell during sex that he’s not sexually attracted to me because he stares at my stomach almost the entire time, and it doesn’t feel the same that it did before I got pregnant.
It’s been over a week since I’ve gotten anything, however he’s constantly asked for bj’s and stuff that only involves him receiving pleasure (and I’ve given them to him without complaining). We’ve been arguing a lot lately and yes, I know it’s wrong, but I went through his phone. So much of his search history was looking up half naked girls on Instagram, a secret Reddit account just for porn, random websites, and even a visit to OF. Half of his Snapchat was subscriptions to half naked girls and girls promoting their OFs. He’s been commenting on videos of girls things like “🤩🤩💕” The most I’ve gotten the past week or so is a butt smack while I’m cleaning the kitchen.
I already struggled with insecurity because of how much my body has changed. I was so skinny, tiny waist, just model worthy before pregnancy. I feel the absolute opposite now, and this definitely just kicked me while I was down. I’ve tried to talk about how much his addiction to porn bothers me before, but I usually don’t get a response, or I get “Idk, sorry” followed by him keeping up the same routine because he “genuinely doesn’t find anything wrong with his actions”. I’m tired of it and feel like it’s not even worth bringing up to him at this point.
How do I move on from this? It’s gotten to the point where I’m contemplating suggesting an open relationship since obviously neither of us are getting what we want sexually. I just feel so betrayed and so unattractive.
TLDR: Fiancé has porn addiction and idk what to do
8 comments
That’s a tough one. He definitely has an addiction. All the OF stuff and paying for egirls. It’s all very addictive behavior. Now you are having a child together and trust me that will not help the situation. I think professional help is the only route here for you to take. He should talk to a therapist and couples counseling is your best bet.
One last thing. The not being attracted to you while you are pregnant is not normal and even more of a reason why he should get therapy. This makes me feel like he has more underlying sexual disfunction and probably why he turns to porn. He has unrealistic and unhealthy views of what a woman should look like. Don’t get down on yourself about it. Getting pregnant does not make a woman unattractive especially to their partner or at least it shouldn’t if he was a mentally healthy.
So I feel for you as I am a man in the complete opposite predicament. My wife wants nothing to do with sex. It is a burden for her and she thinks once a month is almost to often. So to sate myself I have to partake in porn at times as to not cause stress in the relationship. Porn is addictive, but understand that it is a mental addiction not as much a physical one, though can exist. As for the pregnancy(congrats btw) a man can become very insecure during that time as to not know how to experience it along with you as obviously it is all on you at this point. He may be regressing to a point of what he’s known up to this point. He can rub one out and keep going. So the solution for you won’t be easy but communicating your thoughts and feelings between each other will be key. He needs to know how you feel, don’t pull any punches, and never sugar coat your needs. Be mindful to that you may need to start with small physical touch to key him in( we are pretty dense in the head) to make him understand what’s at stake. You also need to take the time and look yourself in the mirror (naked is best imo) and come to terms that your body is beautiful no matter the changes that are occurring as this is your body and it will be different. But different is not terrible, imo again those changes make things exciting as it proves how real a woman is vice the propaganda seen online. Maybe he has a fetish you two can explore together. Whose knows but you need to be open and talk about it. I know this is a lot and I’m happy to Dm on the side. To go with that I’d love to help if you do go open relationship. I hope this helps a little and again always happy to talk. Cheers!
First of all, congratulations, have you learned the gender of the child yet?
Second, your fiancé is immature and a shit head, you can quote me.
If and only if he wants to change, he can seek out a twelve-step program for sex addiction, do the work and recover. It is ongoing work.
Take care of your own mental health and the child
That sounds like a porn addiction that can lead to sex addiction. He needs professional help
“So, a while ago, we came to an agreement: 1) No paying for porn 2) No hiding it 3) No watching porn more than he has sex with me 4) No messaging these girls or commenting on their stuff”
Where you went wrong was trying to impose rules on someone else’s masturbation routine and sexuality instead of recognizing that you needed to break up and find someone who is already compatible rather than trying to legislate an incompatible partner into a compatible one. That was never going to work; break up now, and travel to a state that still does third trimester abortions to end your pregnancy.
Congratulations on your pregnancy. Please don’t feel insecure about your appearance. You are growing another life inside you and that’s beautiful.
I’ve been through the same thing and it’s incredibly frustrating. People will tell you that’s it’s no big deal and “all guys do it” but that doesn’t make it okay. Society has normalized porn use and made “sex work is real work” a household slogan so women like you and me feel at a loss when we want to set boundaries.
Yours seem completely fair.
My partner did the same thing to me.. I too found his Reddit nsfw account and had also found that he was visiting Only Fans. We had a huge fight and nearly broke up and the only thing that saved our relationship was that he hadnt paid for any subscriptions. The worst thing for me was that a particular OF model KEPT popping up and she was your run of the mill e-girl who looked nothing like me. He tells me now that he’s completely stopped and I just have to believe him. My boundaries were that I didn’t want him visiting onlyfans and I didn’t want him to do it when sex was an option.. but he claims he doesn’t want to do it and has stopped completely. Have no choice but to just trust him but it’s been difficult.
I’d strongly consider if this is the person you want to spend your life with though, if your fundamental values don’t align. You’re not married yet so really think about it.
My DMs are always open if you want to chat – since I’ve gone through this a few times it might help you!
Take the porn out of it and look at the bare bones of the situation. You set hard boundaries with your husband and trusted he respected and cared enough about the relationship that he would respect you and those boundaries. Come to find out he’s broken every single one of your boundaries and has done so multiple times over the years knowing it hurts you. I really couldn’t care less if this was about porn, finances, whatever. Do you genuinely want to be with someone who is so nonchalant about your feelings and boundaries. He is telling you with his actions that his desires are more important to him then respecting you and your feelings. If you’ve tried to fix this issue for years with no improvement and he refuses to get counseling with you then I’m not sure what else there is to do. You deserve to feel respected and desired and loved in your relationship. You cannot have a healthy marriage without trust and respect. As an outsider looking in I don’t think you have either in your marriage. You might be coming up on some hard decisions.