It’s kind of a weird situation. Dating for four years. I’m (25M) a fanfic author in the same fandom as my girlfriend (24F). I’m not exactly using her as a soundboard for ideas, because I would be writing whether she knows about or reads my stories at all. It’s just that sometimes if I’m particularly consumed by an idea, I’ll share it with her because if you’ve ever written something creatively, you’d want to share it, right?
Though I say it’s fanfic, it’s not something I’m planning on sharing to the internet. It’s purely something I’m writing because I felt the urge to write it. It’s a personal project where I’m only comfortable talking about it to friends or family, but in this instance the only person I know of in this fandom is my girlfriend. I’ve asked her before if the story is boring, but she told me that no, it was interesting.
It’s just that sometimes while I’m talking she gets distracted and changes the subject. It’s very abrupt. I could be typing and something comes up, or she sends me a funny tweet or cat video. I enjoy the things she sends me, because it means she enjoyed it enough to want to share that joy with me, but then the topic moves on. I feel awkward bringing it up again… Like hey, about that thing I was talking about earlier…
I’m always worried about forcing her to listen to something she doesn’t care about just because she doesn’t want to tell me to shut up, so I try not to bring it up that often: maybe two or three times a day? Is that too often? There have been days before where we spent hours talking about a story and I could tell she really enjoyed it, but recently I’ll talk for a bit (maybe 2 minutes) and then the topic moves on. I understand that not every story is the same, so whenever I bring up a new story, I ask if it’s something she might be interested in; for ones that she isn’t, I just write them on my own.
It’s not really about the story itself. It just feels like no matter what I say, sometimes I feel ignored and then the energy fizzes out, and then I don’t want to talk anymore. Then I’ll just write on my own, and then there’s more for her to catch up on… Which she will inevitably want to catch up on.
I don’t need her full attention or anything, but whenever she’s sharing an idea, I’ll keep asking about it. If we get distracted by something, I’ll bring up her topic again. I don’t need raving reviews, but something to indicate that she’s listening would be better than nothing. I hate that I feel so hurt by this because it’s just some silly little story and shouldn’t mean anything. If she would tell me it isn’t something she wants to hear about, I’m perfectly fine not sharing it; she says she does like listening to me, but when I talk, I get ignored. Maybe not ignored, but forgotten.
I don’t think it’s deliberate, either. She’s not an avid reader, and will only read things she considers interesting, which is why I always check to make sure it’s something she says that she is interested in. But it doesn’t feel like I’m worth listening to. I’m not the only one who has hyperfixations either—several times a day she updates me on her projects or even just media she has consumed and is going feral over.
It just feels like a weird thing for me to keep track of, and I’d like to stop doing that. I’d like some advice. I’ve talked to her about this before, and she said that she has a short attention span but likes listening to me. Another thing I’m aware of is that even if a story is interesting, you might not be in the mood to read it. But like I said, even just saying something to indicate you read what I sent you would be better than an abrupt tweet about something else. Or tell me if you’re not in the mood to listen. There are plenty of other things we can talk about together!
Note: she doesn’t start conversations on her own. She has stated multiple times herself that she is not good at communicating and that there is nothing going on inside her head. Until there is. Then it’s hyperfixation sharing time.
TL;DR! I’m a writer, gf says stories are interesting but changes the topic as I’m speaking and it hurts my feelings—but I don’t want to make her feel bad for hurting my feelings for something she can’t control (she has a short attention span).
4 comments
Sounds like conflicting love languages. Nothing necessarily bad with that, just might want to sit down and read up on them together to see if that’s an area that you both could work on.
multiple times a day on a topic that your girlfriend isn’t a fan of? Yeah, I’d say that’s too much. I know you said this writing is just for you and you don’t want to post it, but maybe you can join a fanfic subreddit or other community as a way to talk through your ideas?
I would guess that both of you may have ADHD, and I don’t think anyone is really being an asshole–yet.
These sound like they’re ongoing text threads, not conversations out loud, am I correct? Like in Discord or the like. I don’t think she knows you have two separate categories of communication: “posting random stuff” and “posting my story stuff that I want us to only focus on for a while.” To her, it’s all posting random stuff, and she wouldn’t mind if you posted a meme in the middle of hers. (Note that you said both of you get distracted in the middle of her topics too.)
(Also, it can be better for your writing if you just write the story instead of telling people the idea first! Sometimes talking the idea to death kills the desire to actually write it.)
Just tell her what you’re feeling. Maybe you can have a signal phrase for “this is something I want to stay focused on for a while, so no memes for a bit, ok?”
writing is a solitary activity, and it’s really only meant to be shared when it’s more or less finished
especially when you have a writing idea, an idea is only exciting because you know how you feel about it. It’s hard to share that feeling with someone else, short of actually writing it