Hi Reddit! I’m just posting for advice on how to navigate this situation in terms of setting up boundaries and being respectful. Outside eyes are always helpful and I can recognize that how I go about this may come off as insecure.
Onto the situation; my partner is going out of town for work for 2 months straight with his single female coworker. They will be put up in hotels together, driving from state to state together, and as l’ve recently come to find out, going out to local scenes in cities and cooking communally and sharing meals together.
Finding that out is what has driven me to make this post.
This woman he is going out of town for work with is a stranger to him that he’s zoom called a few times. He’s already told her he’s in a relationship.
We’ve had some issues in the past with
miscommunication and expectations (no cheating, but definitely not respecting some of my boundaries or feelings in the past regarding old partners or information that I would’ve felt more comfortable knowing). His past line of work required him to be in close contact with previous partners of his, and my one request was that he not be alone with them.
I have done a lot of self work to try and be more secure and mindful of certain things. For instance I recognize that he is on this for WORK with a COWORKER to further his career which I am extremely happy about, but I do feel it’s normal for me to be uncomfortable about this situation anyways. It just feels very domestic to me that they’ll be living together and spending every day together, as well as going out into local scenes relevant to their line of work together, which will be more casual and leisurely as they’ll be exploring for their own personal interests in their free time. Obviously I want him to enjoy his time across the country and make a new friend, but am I wrong to feel a bit put off by these sudden plans? It just feels too coupley/date-like to me, especially to plan it all before even meeting. He already knows that I’m not super chipper about the situation. What can I say/think about this situation that feels more secure, trusting, and comfortable? What can I do about this moving forward? Is there anything you guys would do here/ have experience dealing with? Is it wrong to ask him to not cook meals every night together? And to possibly limit how many outings they have together? Is that wrong? Any thoughts or anecdotes are helpful and appreciated!
Edit: To add a question.
TLDR; Partner going out of town with new coworker for 2 months, the plans he told me about felt a bit too domestic for my liking. Am I overreacting? What would you do? Just seeking some insight or thoughts please!
11 comments
What reasons has he given you to not trust him?
2 Months. This will be a true test of trust. is it possible for you to visit with him during the 2 month period that way you can spend time with him and meet the co-worker to allay any fears.
I’m curious what kind of work trip is this.
Edit: no seriously, answer the question OP.
I think you should set some ground rules and boundaries- you can ask that they not have adjoining hotel rooms, that he not drink/ get drunk with her, and for regular check ins etc
Why don’t you trust your BF, and why do you automatically assume this woman is going to try and do anything?
How long have you and your boyfriend been dating?
I think you’re thinking about this very realistically. Like, objectively this is a work opportunity and you don’t want to interfere and don’t *want* to feel uncomfortable about it. But yet, *of course* you’re feeling uncomfortable with this! Who wouldn’t?! This sounds like a job opportunity exclusively for young, single people. A typical professional environment does not rip someone away from their partner for two months to send them on an epic two-month road trip with a temporary new girlfriend. Personally, I don’t think my solid, long-term relationship could withstand that.
Is your boyfriend approaching this by assuming that of course you’ll be anxious and doing everything he can to reassure you? Or is he acting like you don’t have any right to be jealous because this is work and there’s nothing to worry about, and that’s that?
Personally I wouldn’t like it, and thus wouldn’t entertain it. But my partner and me know each other’s boundaries and adhere to them in a healthy way. They wouldn’t take a job that has such work trips, knowing my boundaries on them.
What sort of advice are looking for?
Is it what should you expect? You can expect anything, you know. But receiving it, and how that happens, is what isn’t certain. You can tell your partner, “I’m not comfortable that you’re taking this trip because of your admitted past infidelity experience plus the fact you’ve given me trust issues in our relationship now.” Afterwards, maybe they won’t take the trip because they value you? Or, they dump you because they value the trip more than you. You can also tell your partner, “I’d be more comfortable if you could communicate with me often during this trip and we set boundaries and expectations upfront about this.” Then work out the boundaries and expectations you have. No drinking. No shared room. Work related conversations only. Call every night before bed. Message often to keep you in the loop on what is going on. Etc. Afterwards, maybe they will be understanding knowing their infidelity history and causing you trust issues in the relationship? Or, they dump you because it’s too “controlling” for their taste. You can also be a complete door mat and just let them go however they want at the cost of you being an anxious mess.
In a relationship, neither party should have their toes stepped on. It sounds like you’re anxious about it for understandable reasons, it sounds like they’re excited about it career wise for again understandable reasons. You’d prefer them not to go, or to go with certain conditions– what you want is important. They’d prefer to go, or not with certain conditions– what they want is important. It’s not a relationship test, but rather a communication and boundary test. If it works out somehow after communication in a way you both want, great. If it doesn’t work out after communication, then you both will find a partner that will eventually share the same intent and expectations.
Personally, I wouldn’t do anything. It sounds like this is the nature of his job, and it makes perfect sense to me that they’d plan in advance for this kind of long term work travel together. I don’t think you can or should ask him to limit outings and meals spent together when it is his job to form that kind of short term partnership with his coworker. But I also don’t perceive those things as couple-y the way you do, so that may be coloring my opinion here!
If you can’t trust him due to his past behavior that’s very understandable, but then I don’t think you can be with him while he’s in this career with these expectations.
I actually disagree with majority of the commenters here. Should you ignore these uncomfortable feelings just because you’re scared of not trusting your partner 100% or looking insecure? Absolutely not.
Look, you can trust your partner as much as you want, but boundaries are boundaries. Trust has nothing to do with careless mistakes and accidental feelings of intimacy, so WHY would ANYONE encourage the environment/situation that makes those mistakes and accidents more likely?? He’s basically setting himself up to “accidentally” cheat and catch feelings (if accidental). The line is crossing CLOSE here. Does that mean you’re an awful partner who doesn’t trust him or support his career? No, you’re human with your own fears and boundaries and anxiousness. Advice: If you really don’t like this, you need to put your foot down about this boundary. I guarantee you it’s going to feel a lot worse during those 2 months when you pretended your boundaries are less than his career. These thoughts will only get worse.
If he really cares, he would help find a **compromise**. and so will you.
You are overreacting. Trust him until he has giving you a reason to not trust him
The company is putting them i. a hotel room together? i can not imagine that.