So I found out 10 days ago my wife cheated on me with her “friend”. She admitted to it the next day after being confronted. I left for a couple days and we are deciding to “reconcile”. However, she has refused to cut this friend out for various reasons and say I’m isolating her by insisting that.
Yesterday she started calling him again even though she said text. I confronted her and now she’s mad at me again. I think I’m going to give final ultimatum with marriage counsellor this weekend and walk away. Marriage counsellor has also said he needs to go. She’s not emotionally very mature and I think she has an addiction to this attention. It’s hard cause we have kids and a house together and I do love her but I don’t think things can be repaired with him around. Am I wrong?
29 comments
No, you are not wrong
You should post on the infidelity subs.
One thing that has to be brought up is that her subsequent actions disrespect you, your marriage and your family.
Cmon man you know you’re letting her walk all over you. She has no intention of not continuing the affair.
Yes, it’s over. She’s made her choice and it’s not you.
She is out of her mind. It’s called limerence. All the feel good hormones for this ”friend” are still strong. Its time for you to tell her it is over.
As context: This “friend” is the wife’s ex-boyfriend (post history).
Drop the whole issue of her talking to the man she cheated with and go get you some lawyer consultations. Paying cash. Pick a lawyer and buckle down at home. Do not move out. You got a therapist to walk you through this whole process because it appears that she can manipulate you emotionally into what she wants you to do.
Open new checking and savings account and move all money in any joint savings and checking accounts. If you have investment accounts, reach out to your financial advisor and discuss the matter with them but deal with the lawyer first.
Do not tell her what you’re doing. Don’t give her a leg up on any of this
Op this is called rug sweeping, and what she is doing is called gas lighting. She is not remorseful, you do not attempt reconciliation with someone who is. It remorseful. She has seen zero consequences to her actions. You saying stop is akin to saying that to a child . Until something is done that is drastic and altering to her, she will not stop.
Here is exactly how you handle it. Stop confronting her, and look up gray rock and one eighty. Begin to implement these on her. Next, hire an attorney, and file for divorce. Have her served, when you get confirmation she is served, you contact her family, your family, and your closest friends. You let them know you filed, why you filed, and name her ap(the other guy).
Op this is the way you handle it, it serves as a consequence, you can stop at anytime, but until she is showing true remorse. Stop all attempts to work with her on it. She is in limerence and affair fog op. You work out great terms in a divorce when they have this.
Cutting off the AP completely should not even be a question, it should be a GIVEN.
You are wasting your time trying to salvage this mess.
There can be no reconciliation without true remorse.
Ship her ass down the road, no sense wasting your time with someone that gets mad when you don’t want them around the person they cheated with.
Sorry to say but it is definitely over. If you stay with her she knows that she can do whatever she wants whenever without any consequences. She won’t have any respect for you.
Speak with a family law attorney and file. Look up Grey rocking and 180. She broke the marriage and has until the divorce is final to fix it. Kick her out of the marital bedroom and let your close friends and family know so you can have some support. Hit the gym to take out your aggression on the iron. Best wishes.
omg you are such a sucker. please kick her cheating ass to the curb
Bro, get out, run away. Some people are emotionally unstable, and dont want peace in their lives. You being arounf her is going to make your life upside down. Please take a picture if those texts as a proof of infidelity and file for divorce. Find someone who truly loves you and thinks like you, such as kids, the house you have. These things are important to you, not to her, and i feel lik e you deserve a partner that will equally value the things that you do. Last thing, she doesn’t respect you, so please donot continue with this. Take care and good luck, there will a lotta women out there that will want you!
She is not remorseful. Please talk to an attorney. Take a look at this OP as well.
https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868
You don’t need an ultimatum. You just need to explain that this is a boundary. If she keeps this “friend”, you are not going to be able to continue your relationship with her. It is her choice. How she reacts will determine your course of action.
One thing to consider is how she is accepting the reconciliation. Is she admitting that what she did was wrong or is she just upset that she was caught? She may take you staying with her as you not having other options and as accepting her cheating on you. It may be a good idea to start investing more time in improving yourself (fitness, finances, and social skills).
If he doesn’t go, you have to go. Any marriage worth keeping doesn’t involve you having to compete with another person for your partners attention, loyalty and/or respect. Millions of people every year raise children in divorcee situation. Without question it is harder but what kind of representation is a marriage full of hate, cheating and anger would that be. I would like to believe that type of marriage is just as damaging to children and a separation
I believe that cheating can be worked through, but if and ONLY IF the cheater is willing to cut the other party out of their life, takes full accountability for their actions, and also has intentions/a plan to do the work to figure out WHY they cheated and to prevent it from happening again.
Your wife is doing none of this. She gotta go.
Please don’t continue to lie to yourself about your rotting relationship with your wife. You’ve known that her ‘friend’ is her You’ve known your wife has been emotionally involved with her ex, so this is not a friend. You’ve known this for a month. Nothing has changed.
Marriage therapy is too late to help and she is too immature to recognize how wrong her behavior is. Her actions show that he is her preferred safe harbor. You are the child sitting and bill paying service.
You are wasting time hoping for a magical turnaround here. Please see an attorney and initiate the divorce process. Give your kids and you a more peaceful environment and at least one happy home.
Nah man you’re not wrong because (let me start off by saying;for all the people that are gonna get mad at me for saying this) but almost all men have ill intentions and or would totally smash given the opportunity, we’re dudes! Save yourself bro, or if you go get you a nice little just friend girl, I promise that’ll change her perspective
What would you tell your best friend if this state of affairs was happening to him? Here’s what I would tell you if you were mine: Get individual therapy, start some new hobbies and interests to disconnect emotionally from your wife, hire an attorney and PI, and file those papers. Because she has already abandoned the marriage and has no interest in re-connecting or rebuilding relationship with you.
Your wife is in wanderlust. She has a dream in her head that she will one day flee your marriage with this other man, who will then be her Prince Charming or Jack Sparrow. At best, she will just leave with some Dear John letter on the kitchen island. At worst, she’ll do Eat, Pray, Love at your expense, financially and otherwise. [Frankly, that’s what she’s doing right now.] Fuck that shit! If she no longer wants relationship with you and wants to be plowed by this other dude, then she should do it free and clear of marriage the way every other adult does it.
If you have children, do everything you can to help them through this. They will struggle, especially since your wife will not be as attentive a parent while she’s fuckin’ around. They will need you to provide stability as well as to just be the dad you’ve always been.
You can’t kick her out of the house. But you can pack her shit and sit it in a spare bedroom or in the basement. She would still lucky to have a place to shower, brush teeth, piss and rest her ass after her affair partner spills seed into and on her. It will be hard; after all, you swore to spend the rest of your life with this woman. But she broke that deal a long time ago, and you don’t owe her anything more than a modicum of respect as the mother of your children and as a human being.
I hope you get better, regardless of what happens to your marriage. You deserve better for yourself. So go get it.
Yeah, she cheated and is continuing to have contact against your wishes, it sounds over.
You’re not wrong. She clearly wants to continue her involvement with him. And any “desire to reconcile” on her part is window dressing to keep a roof over her head until he’s ready to move in with her.
My dude, you’ve already tried. Next, would be losing self respect, and you don’t want to go there. For your sake and your kids’, let it be over and find actual happiness and respect from a partner.
Before you divorce, which you should ASAP (she will do this again), research legal proceedings. This can get nasty
You don’t get to cheat with somebody then stay in contact with them. Ask her would she tolerate you remaining friends with your ex extra marital lover?
She doesn’t sound mature.
It’s over.
Basic advice on all reconciliation is that the cheater has to cut the affair partner out of their life permanently. If this was someone they’ve known forever, then so be it. She’s already proven that they can’t be ‘friends’.
If she’s unwilling to do that basic requirement, then she’s not going to do any of the other work necessary to save your marriage. The fact that you have to even ask her to cut him out is an extremely bad sign as it shows she hasn’t even done the basic research into infidelity.
It’s been 10 days, you can’t make the decision to reconcile in that time. You’re still processing the trauma of her abuse.
>Yesterday she started calling him again even though she said text. I confronted her and now she’s mad at me again.
The temerity. She has no reason to be mad at you. Her being mad at you is akin to a wife beater getting mad at his wife for ‘*making him hit her*’.
>I think I’m going to give final ultimatum with marriage counsellor this weekend and walk away. Marriage counsellor has also said he needs to go. She’s not emotionally very mature and I think she has an addiction to this attention. It’s hard cause we have kids and a house together and I do love her but I don’t think things can be repaired with him around. Am I wrong?
Marriage counseling is a waste of money; she’s not willing to do the basics.
I’d cancel the session and meet with a lawyer instead.
You’re not wrong. And yes, it’s probably over. I’m sorry
It’s over.
Stop feeling sorry for the kids. You didn’t do this and don’t deserve to own a shred of the guilt that is hers to wear. You’re worried about them because you’re a good parent and considering their feelings, but I promise you that you will only continue to be by being there for them throughout the process and showing them what boundaries, self-respect, integrity, courage and the dos/don’ts of a healthy relationship look like.
I *resented* my mother and somewhat still do in my 30s (healing is a process) for being a doormat and taking back the cheater of a father of mine who cheated and walked all over her so blatantly in front of our faces. Their “love” was my example & that fucked me up a long time – taught me to be a people pleasing pushover like her and led to putting up with far too much inconceivable bullshit in my early relationships.
You want to feel sorry for your kids? Let my projection (&really the projection of millions of children who grow up in homes like yours) scare the shit out of you now, so you do the right thing by yourself and them by taking the reigns of your life & saying enough is enough. Do not allow them to watch the type of marriage you would never want to see your own adult children in one day. Be their example since hers is a terrible one.
It’s not easy and will be a painful process for awhile, but I promise you there is so much light, love and joy on the other side for you and your children. Do it for them. * Hugs *
I feel like it’s over. I’m sorry. My husband and I ever said if we cheated with a “friend,” that friend couldn’t be in our lives. It sounds like your wife isn’t sorry or isn’t at least willing to do the steps to save your marriage. She isn’t willing to give up her friend and is choosing him over you.
Make the decision for her. If she won’t give up the friend, then she loses you, the kids and the house. I would likely try for majority custody because you dont want her bringing strange men around the kids.