Im not big on online dating and rarely will meet anyone on there. Im in my late 30s now ( nonkids never married) i was in a relationship since i was 24…and being thrown in the dating world has been really hard for me lately…
Met a guy we spoke for a few months he happens to live in another state he kept saying he was coming to my area for work but its been 3 months he said they keep pushing back his work trip which i believe.
Anyway We dont talk all the time but every week or so a call or some texts. The last time we spoke his whole demeanor changed and he said unless we video call he has no intention of meeting me. He asked for a video call once.or twice b4 and i just said another time bc it was midnight and was tired not thinking it was putting him off.
Anyway he was kinda rude and aggressive by saying it the way he did and mentioned being catfished and having to walk out on dates…me not havin dated online am not familiar withnthose experiences. He hung up said the balls in my court if i wanna talk on videocall later on or just never speak again.
The passive aggressive behaviour put me off more than anything. Do i schedule a video call and just see if it works out and ignore that maybe he was having a bad day?
Side note: i really dont have a problem with a video call cant say i love it but im not tryna hide either.
29 comments
[removed]
I would go for the call. Just be upfront with him and tell him he could have tried to schedule this at a decent time before, and you should also call him out on that aggressive behavior. Would be good to see how he reacts. Overall, I can understand him wanting to do a video call. It’s been months, and if you haven’t met yet, it’s a solid way to know what the person actually looks like.
I’m getting the feeling that he’s not really looking for a real life relationship but an “internet girlfriend”
I don’t do video calls – I just meet up for a date, but then again I don’t try to date people from another state.
I might consider a video call in such an interstate situation, but I wouldn’t with someone who asks for it in an aggressive manner.
>He hung up said the balls in my court if i wanna talk on videocall later on or just never speak again.
I vote “just never speak again”.
Maybe try to find someone closer too. I hope you’ve been matching and talking to other people as well and not just focusing on this one guy.
I can understand his part of having questions of being catfished. I think the two of you have to talk calmly and say everything you feel. Maybe to start you can send him different videos of your day for example and maybe later do the videocall. But if you really feel annoyed by him because he insists a lot you have to tell him
I’m normally anti-video call or even phone call, but if you can’t connect in person or via video over three months, I think that’s pretty suspect. He’s actually in the right on this one. Can you not schedule a decent late-afternoon to evening chat before you meet the guy IRL?
That said, I’d never put myself in this situation, so I don’t know.
I’m not sure if women realize how many fakes, baits, and scams are out there pursuing men on dating sites. It’s like 8/10 profiles we have to swipe through and profile/figure out.
It’s his third time asking for video and you seem to be putting him off and saying “another time”. Why don’t you hard schedule a time instead of waiting for him to ask a 4th, 5th, 6th time? You mention you don’t have a problem with video.
What I see is he made an effort a few times already and wants to see if you’re really who you say you are. You wouldn’t believe how many people pretend they are ladies to scam/catfish/make money off guys on the internet.
What ladies see just from this thread. Guy is aggressive and sucks. All because he wanted to see who he was speaking with. I guess it’s not a red flag to the women in this thread if a lady doesn’t show her face appears to be avoiding it.
This is why online dating is mostly a fail. People are too programmed by seeing just one side of things. And anything that doesn’t go perfectly means the other person sucks so move on. Compromise is how relationships work where I’m from.
I am not defending his behaviour, but I have experience with being catfished and it was really awkward. It happened on different occasions that the guys have had really old photos on their dating profiles- from 2017 for example and looked totally different irl- one was much older and one was 50+ pounds heavier. It was frustrating for me and I started to ask for contemporary photos or a videocall, when chatting longer with someone.
I wouldn’t spend more than two days texting someone without confirming their identity with a video call. Sounds like he finally ran out of patience listening to excuses. Romance scams are very popular, avoiding video calls is alarming.
I hate video calls and avoid them like the plague. However, I find Snapchat a useful, low-effort way to see what someone looks like. Yes, it’s juvenile but I exclusively use it for OLD. You exchange a couple of pics/videos and you can see if they’re the same person as their profile and if they still look like their pics. If they get weird over Snapchat you just block them and can be happy that you found out early that you dodged a bullet.
If I was in your shoes with this specific person I would cut my losses. If you feel like you need it, you can send him a message and tell him that you’re not interested in pursuing this any further. Then you block him and move on with your life.
…as the saying goes “he ain’t the one, sis.”
This absolutely doesn’t sound like a good situation for either of you. You’re not in the same state so how would you actually date? Dating means seeing each other regularly and actually forming a connection. I would just cut this off and find someone who is actually available to meet up within a week or so of texting, so you can judge chemistry irl and not online.
Catfishing and scamming is a MASSIVE issue for men on dating apps, if I had to guess I’d say a minimum of half and upto maybe 75% of all ‘female’ accounts are fake which is why a lot of guys want to video chat first
The fact he’s asked multiple times and you keep declining likely has him assuming you’re just another fake/fraud which is why he’s told you the ball is in your court.
Wouldn’t surprise me if you get unmatched
Video calls are no big deal and I’d be sus of anyone against them.
That being said, if you don’t like them then don’t do them or try to date anyone who isn’t local? Just means simple incompatibility here, not sure why it’s a thing for you.
My local options are shit so I’d never cut out distance options. If you want to date distance then you’ll have to get over whatever stigma you have against them. (For reference I’ve met more online than not, in person meetings were always trainwrecks)
It also doesn’t sound like he acted passive agreesive at all. He clearly stated what he wanted and you interpreted it aggressively. It might have been but definitely not passive
He can prefer a video call before physical meeting all he wants, but the immediate accusation and cynicism about being catfished like that’s your fault is some teenager shit. He’s made the entire premise confrontational, that’s just…fucking weird. Now he’s attempting to make the whole thing your fault if you don’t do it? So, he’s being manipulative and shifting blame too? Real classy guy.
Having preference for a video call is fine on the surface, his temper tantrum about it is lame. It’s not that hard to be an adult and express the idea of a video call without being accusatory and shit.
If he had gone about it politely I’d say give him a few minutes of your time, but he’s being really nasty to you.
I know ghosting people is frowned upon here, but..
I’m all for video calls. But not being threatened for one.
3 months of just chatting though?! His work trips sounds like an excuse. Him trying to video chat with you at midnight sounds like a booty call. I’m guessing he’s married and that’s when his wife is asleep.
Why would you keep talking to someone who has already shown himself to be aggressive and rude?
His behavior is absurd. It’s fine to want to video call, but he is accusing *you* of catfishing *him* after he’s spent three months telling you his work trip to your state keeps getting postponed. Also, his 2 previous requests for video calls were at midnight— frankly, he sounds like the catfish in this scenario.
At the very least he does not know how to communicate in a calm and respectful manner, nor does he handle disappointment well. He could have suggested FaceTiming the next time you talk and given you time to think about it, I’m also unclear why he is trying to date in your state given that he does not live or work there. The way he’s handled this, and the whole situation frankly, sound very bad. He is definitely manipulative and immature, he is also probably married.
I don’t do video calls with anyone unless it’s work related and necessary. I feel awkward and self conscious face-timing people I know and love so have no interest engaging in an awkward video call with a stranger, I just meet in person. It hasn’t been an issue.
I have agreed to these types of initial meets twice. I will not be doing that again.
I am not interviewing for a job and my response to any woman who insists on a video “date” I will be replying with, “No thank you, I have no interest in potentially starting an intimate relationship in a manner similar to the way employer/employee relationships start.”
I have no issue meeting someone soon over a low-risk coffee or drink to begin the process of demonstration that I am exactly who I state I am.
Nahh I don’t like his overly passive attitude. Dealt with a guy like that before and he turned out to just be a straight up a hole. Next
Damn I forgot how cynical ppl were up in hurrrr
Why the fuck would you give someone who is rude and aggressive another chance?
When you’re dating, you should be on your BEST behaviour. If he’s already acting like this, I would absolutely just block delete and move on to someone else. You don’t even know this person.
As a guy who does well on the apps .. i dont and will never do a phone call. If you cant invest 30 minutes for a quick meetup youre not worth my time. But I do understand the constraint in your case.. the distance seems significant so I do understand the need for a facetime.
On a different note – The “never married no kids” in your mid 30s is a big red flag. The bigger red flag?? Putting it in your profile. I would *highly* recommend against it.
I know its common among women to put “never married no kids” on their profiles but it just says no one.. absolutely NO ONE was willing to take a chance with you.
Thats infinitely worse than a genuine “hey I tried before but it was unsuccessful”.
*EDIT* – I woiuld have responded to the person below but the **deeply** racist mod of this sub banned me. Just go through her post history (gotta go a little far back) and you will know the way she treats POCs on this sub and her true feelings towards Africans.
Sounds like a reasonable request by him. Especially if he is traveling so far to meet with you. He doesn’t want to show up and it be a waste.
Texting is not dating + this doesn’t sound like something that is going anywhere. I would end whatever this is and find someone you can actually date.
I have a feeling you’ll be seeing a penis on that video call.
I think guys do this to see how “hot” they think you are and can weed you out so they don’t have to sit through a live date. I wouldn’t do it.
I actually wouldn’t mind doing a video call because tbh I’m busy and if we have no vibe why waste time in person unless we live really close to each other. That being said – he has already shown his true colors of being a negative confrontational d-bag. If he treats a stranger like this how will he treat you once in a relationship? People usually get braver to show their true colors with their partners.
Guys.
80% of men who insisted on a video call were just trying to show me their dick.
Declining doesn’t automatically mean catfish.