We have a 9 month old son together and he and his partner have been together for 7 years(on and off). When my son was concieved, we were dating and they were not together, so no cheating happened. It was a short relationship, ended just because. In the midst of them getting back together, I find out I’m pregnant, we got through that and now we co-parent. He has our son during the day while I’m at work, and I have him through the nights. Co-parenting has been smooth.
My son’s father and his fiancee are going to take a trip to his parents cabin for a family reunion which is supposed to be for 4 days, and he wants to take our son so all of them can meet him. I did mention feeling a little uneasy about not being with my son for such a long time (I’ve seen him everyday since the day he was born). I wasn’t looking for a way to come, but he did say I could come if that’d make me more comfortable.
So. I got back from work yesterday so I went to go pick up my son. He was sleeping, so I had to wait a little. They went to their deck, and the deck is very close to the bathroom, which I was in. When I was in the bathroom, I heard her saying how embarrassing it would be for me to be at her engagement party and how I didn’t need to be everywhere. From what I gathered, they found out that her family is also coming for the reunion and they’ll be throwing a “surprise” engagement party for them.
Needless to say, I got out the bathroom, pretended like I didn’t hear anything, and just left with my son. I felt really weird dropping him off today, because what if I am imposing too much on their relationship? I have absolutely no issues with her, she’s been nothing but nice and pleasant and really cares for my son. I’ve already decided that I am not going, and I’ll tell him that, but I was wondering if I should tell them I overheard what was said? Only reason I’m hesitating is because I don’t want her to feel like I intruded on a private convo but I also do want to know what can I do to make things better.
30 comments
I don’t think anything needs to be said. Just politely decline
I feel like this is one of these rare situations on this sub that are kind of in the neutral territory. I don’t think disclosing that you overheard something would change anything. I think just telling him you don’t plan on coming would be fine. Of course, if he inquires why you changed your mind, then you’d have to lie if you wanted not to disclose the overhearing part, so that’s something to consider whether you want to do or not. Might wanna disclose it just so you don’t feel uncomfortable lying.
You don’t need to address it. Just be honest.
Apologise to the child’s father that you over heard their conversation by accident and tell him that it would be inappropriate if you went.
The bigger issue for me is not you being there but your son being there without you for 4 days. He is 9 months old and needs his mum close by. I fully understand why you’re reluctant that he goes.
How would his partner feel about your son being there? Possibly screaming for his mum non-stop during their engagement party. It would create a bit of a strain and could cause resentment.
How does his partner feel about your son? How will she feel when they have their own children? I think you will have a lot of challenges ahead it probably would be better to discuss them now than later.
No reason to say your heard. It was a private conversation and it wasn’t like you were trying to listen.
I agree that you shouldn’t go. Your son is little but as you said both of them are good to him. It’s nice that he asked but his time need to be separate (besides holidays).
She chose to get engaged to a man with a 9 month old baby. She’s going to have to deal with it.
I strongly suggest you find an attorney and get a formal custody agreement drawn up.
She’s entitled to her views. I mean it is embarrassing to have your fiancé’s baby momma and their whole ass new baby at your engagement party, but she’s going to have to learn to deal with it.
You need to figure out custody now. These situations can get complicated fast. It’s not unheard of for the new wife to push for full custody after the marriage to avoid child support e get the mother out of their lives. Find an attorney who deals with high conflict custody issues. They will be best placed to help you avoid future drama.
I don’t think you need to say anything. I understand you being leery of not being with your 9 month old son for that time period, but it would also be weird for you to be at their engagement party/her family reunion. If you are really concerned about your son, since your co-parenting is so smooth, could you and your son stay nearby and sort of do the reverse co-parenting? They do the days/times when people are wanting to meet/greet the son, and you do the rest so he doesn’t feel you are “gone?”
Meh, I could go either way on this.
On the one hand, this is a 9 month old not a 9YO and I’m not sure I’d be comfortable not seeing a baby for 4 days. I also feel like if they’re having a party, maybe it would be a lot for them to care for baby and enjoy their party. Additionally, sounds like she hasn’t been around the child overnight—what’s the plan there? Do either of them understand what the nighttime routine is?
With those things in mind, I might give him a call and just say “hey, I overheard you guys when I was in the restroom and understand this is an engagement party. I don’t want to get in the way or make things awkward. I’m happy for you guys. But do you think you guys are really going to be wanting to do night duty when you’re trying to celebrate?”
I’d maybe consider offering to come up with kiddo for a day so everyone can meet them and then go home.
Also? Strongly recommend getting a proper custody order in place.
I probably wouldn’t go, but at the same time, I wouldn’t want to spend that much time away from my 9 month old baby. So as much as it would suck for them, I probably wouldn’t let the baby go either. That’s just me though.
I’m sure they are all good people. It’s an awkward situation. But I feel like 9 months for 4 days after never being apart is just too much for the first trip away, even if he is with dad and family.
I can understand both sides…but they do realize that if they have the 9 month old with them they aren’t going to be really partying at the engagement party right? That means that somebody is going to have to be watching that baby at all times. I can understand with the new information why it would be weird but this is something that they should have brought up since they already knew it. In a way it would be better if you were there because when the baby kicks up a fuss eventually you can take it and leave, or when they want to go off and do something ,whereas dad would have to do it at his own engagement party. I get she thinks it’s weird but she is marrying a man who has a child with somebody else and you will be in their lives regardless of what she says. His family knows and honestly it’s best that hers does too because you’re all going to be mingled.
Can you go get a hotel room and just not go to the reunion but still have your son at night
i find it strange she thinks it would be “embarrassing” to have you at their engagement party but doesn’t find it “embarrassing” to be engaged to a man that *just had a baby* 9 months ago.
i’m sorry, but you are going to be a fixture in their lives because you have a coparenting relationship. that’s just how it works. the girl might be playing pleasant to your face and she might love your child, but i would not trust her.
definitely get a custody agreement written up asap because i wouldn’t be surprised if she tried to phase you out completely and try to raise this baby as her own.
I wouldn’t let a 9 month old leave for 4 nights. He’s too young IMO. See if you could compromise for 2 days instead. I mean the fiancée should’ve expected that dating someone and somehow being engaged to someone with an infant (seems fast but okay).
So these 2 break up, you get knocked up by him dunning the breakup, they get back together and she doesn’t want you at her engagement party with him….. No shit.
No way! If you tell them you overheard their convo, you’re forfeiting your new spy lounge!
You should tell him. It sounds like he’s being wishywashy, trying to please everyone and sometimes that can lead to pleasing no one. Imagine if you had never overheard?? You would have felt like a dunce and possibly looked like one too. That’s so unfair to you, and also to her.
He needs to realize that gentle honesty is always best.
It is unusual to take a baby away from his mother for so long, too. I fully understand your reluctance there, he’s only nine months old. Can’t he bring baby to meet the family at another event that is nearby? The baby doesn’t need to be at an engagement party. I be assume you are not breastfeeding? Because that would be a big problem!
Is your child custody agreement set legally? Including child support? If it isntnit might be worth getting it set in stone through the courts, as they are moving on with their lives and things may change once they get married and have children together.
Updateme!
Just let it go. They’re entitled to have a private conversation and she isn’t wrong for feeling awkward about the situation when surrounded by family for her engagement party.
Yeah just don’t go, it’ll make her feel better, her concerns are totally valid – imagine how you’d feel if the situation was reversed, everybody seems to have been nice about it.
I am just really happy to read such a nice story where everyone is respectful to one another. Too often I feel like I read similar stories but filled with so much resentment on both sides where no one is thinking of the child and what’s best for them. You are so mature and clearly looking out for the best interest of your child. Keeping co parenting civil and respectful is what’s best and you clearly are a shining example of how this should look.
Who would benefit for you starting something? Considering their relationship and how you came into their lives her feelings are more than valid. And she said nothing to you. Keep minding your business as you have been, and stay realistic about your not common situation. She would have never wanted another woman and kid a permanent part of her life. No conversation/confrontation will change her private feelings.
Her feelings are totally valid here, and of course, you already know that. The only thing I found sort of strange was her saying you don’t need to be everywhere your child is. I have a feeling, that should she become a mom one day, her feelings about being separated from her own child for four days at 9 months old for the first time might mirror yours right now.
But, that wasn’t a convo you were meant to hear, and she’d likely never say that to you. She’d probably be horrified to learn that you overheard such a vulnerable moment for her. I’d keep this one to yourself try to keep yourself busy for those four days so you don’t miss your child too much.
It seems she is more practical/thinks things through than he is the typical man that is like whatever/what’s easier/what gets me what I want. I mean he just invited you to come along with their family and they are throwing an engagement party?
“Hey family, we are getting engaged but we brought his fling along for FOUR days to hang.”
You can also say no, without any reason or just say it’s a bit uncomfortable to be around so many people you don’t know and you’ll feel like the third wheel. I do think you can discuss practicalities of he taking the baby. Could he get sick with so many people? Is everyone vaccinated? Can they keep to his routine so he doesn’t come back and be out of the routine? Is it a good idea for the baby to be there with so many people for four days?
Also, do you have custody set up through mediation or courts? I hope you are not winging this and not have anything in writing. If they ever decide to move, he could try to fight you for custody or he could switch anytime, drop the ball, and not pay child support.
Your overhearing the conversation was a happy coincidence. Whether you believe it was just blind luck or arranged by the Almighty, tell them of your decision, and omit what you overheard. In this manner no one’s sensibilities will be damaged.
‘Nuff said.
Decline the invitation, and just commit to being open, agreeable (within reason), and kind with them both. All things we should really all do with people in our lives anyways, and I’m sure that you’re already doing it. Her embarrassment, while something that we can certainly understand – it *is* an odd situation, regardless of how well you’re all coping with it – is her feeling to navigate. Your input or acknowledgment that you’re aware of her insecurity isn’t needed here.
I think you will need to all sit down and talk about boundaries.
Honestly, when my kids were babies we weren’t apart for at least the first year for more than a couple of hours. Being anxious about your first separation is very normal. PPD can start any time in the first year. There’s still lots of extra hormones going around.
They explained that this trip was for family to meet the baby. Daddy invited you along because he recognized that this was hard for you. You’re the mom.
Fiancee is involved and that’s great! But when the trip changed to be an engagement party, she had two choices. Recognize that you’re gonna be a part of their relationship forever (or at least as long as the baby is around) and chill or reschedule the engagement party.
It’s only weird that you go to the party if people make it weird. This is the reality of non-standard families.
What’s more important? Your relationship with your baby and your coparents? Or what people will say about you three’s chosen situation?
I think it’s cool that you’re not going to the cabin if you’re honestly ok with being away from the baby that long. It’s good to get out! Do fun things! Take advantage of having more parents around!
But I do think she needs to be honest with herself and figure out how it’s going to work with the three of you.
If Daddy does something she’s honestly not ok with, like inviting you along somewhere, they need to figure out how they’re going to handle it between them in a way that is respectful of you.
Just like you need to be able to deal with them in respectful ways. You’re also going to need to be able to trust them as coparents and that’s hard if they’re saying one thing but not agreeing with each other and talking negatively behind your back.
Do not set yourself up to having to be psychic when dealing with them.
I think she WANTED you to hear that so you would know ahead what the family reunion was going to be like. She did you a favor.
I’m going to be one of the few dissenters. I think the people saying there’s no reason to say something make good points, but I am a huge fan of lots of communication. You can start with how happy you are that co-parenting is going so well and that you think the reason for that is because you guys have had such great communication. Then you can mention that you overheard the conversation and are only letting them know because you want to be totally transparent and you want that to continue. Let her specifically know that you have so much respect for how she’s handling this and that you want to continue to foster an environment where you can say everything you need to say to each other. Tell her that you know there might be some disagreements as you guys work your way through the next 18+ years and (if you’re open to it) that you plan to be as active as they’re comfortable in the lives of whatever children they have, as those will also be your daughter’s siblings. (Honestly, this will be great for both of them and you and your possible future partner, as I can tell you having some weekends off from all of your kids will be great for both of you.)
I hope this goes well and I’m so happy to hear that you all seem to be doing the best for your daughter. Obviously, she needs to be number one in everybody’s decision making. Good luck!
Don’t mention it. If you’re ok with him watching son for that long (handling bedtime and ensuring that he’s completely safe during the entire visit), then take the opportunity to get a break from daily childcare.
Ngl you’re basically the other woman, regardless if they were on a break or not. It’s great that you all can get along and coparent but she 100% needs to have things of her own without being reminded of the current situation.
Just go out and have fun. As a dad I get that the first time away from your kid will make you anxious but they’re with people you obviously trust so you’ll relax in time.
I suggest you keep it to yourself.