2 days ago, something popped into my head and told me that my husband of 18 years was cheating on me. I cannot explain the grasp or explain this feeling of needing to look at that minute, and not only did I find what I suspected, but they were in the recently deleted folder in his messages app.
Back story. They went to High School together and were friends. Did they date? Maybe. Im not really sure and I never really asked. I know her through him. Can count on one hand how many interactions I have had with her. She is not married but she has been.
A month ago, she invited us to her house for a get together with others from school and the group that hung out together. (I was fine with this) Unfortunately, I was unable to attend but did encourage him to go. He would have done the same for me.
So he went. Left at 2 in the afternoon and got home at 130 in the morning. (Looking back, I dont know why he didnt stay there since it was 1.5 hours away. But regardless, he did come home. The next morning, he was up early..like 6am early. I went to join him for a cup of coffee and talk about his night, and within 15 minutes, we were nitpicking at each other. I ended up leaving the room and 20 minutes later found what I suspected.
I kicked him out Sunday afternoon and he actually left. He has been gone since. I do know where he is and the worst about it is that he has been in endless amounts of contact with her since he left. I have actually had an appointment with a therapist and am spending my time reflecting. He is allowing her to be his therapist and is obviously talking about me and us to someone who has no business in our business.
I guess Im just here looking to vent, find others in the same boat to talk to and maybe take some advice. Once I get through my tears, I will read what I can. Thanks for reading.
7 comments
I’m not sure what you mean by “incriminating”. Are you saying that your husband’s communications are going further than the typical life updates you give to old friends?
What strikes me most about this post is the sentence “I kicked him out” .
What a way to live…. people go through stuff, get side tracked, go down the wrong road…. but I would have thought you take more time to consider your future together before so drastic an action. So heavy handed.
You an use the guest bedroom, take “time out”, allow things to cool (or not). Come to a conclusion that you will move forward together or alone.
Both of you are human beings with emotions, unfinished business from the past, with a good part of your lives behind you.
Getting married is a hope and a prayer that things will work. What’s happening with the two of you is nothing new. It just shows that the human heart is sometimes mysterious.
Look at your own self and see if you can re-inspire him to carry on together.
Good luck!
I’m confused about what is really happening there – are the messages sexual? Are they talking about their feelings for each other?
Where is he? Does he want to end your marriage?
He’s starting an emotional affair. If I were you I would post this in r/infidelity and r/survivinginfidelity to get info from people who’ve experienced it.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. The good thing is you did everything right. Your subconscious is clearly finely tuned to pick up on signs before you’re even consciously aware of them, that’s a gift. You set a firm boundary and kicked him out instead of begging to reconcile. Good for you, you have a backbone and you stand up for yourself. Judging by the responses here, a lot of the readers of this subreddit are boomer men who think emotional cheating is a-ok.
Lots of these comments are saying “oh it’s he’s just venting because he’s unhappy,” implying that what you read in his texts wasn’t initially cheating. But here’s what I’ve learned about cheaters. People who cheat do so because they consciously decide that they want to cheat, *then* they go looking for affairs, and groom potential affair partners. It’s a conscious decision they make long before they even meet a willing person. They seek out emotional connections even moreso than physical ones. When they flirt, it isn’t “just flirting,” it is one step in a sequence of events which all together comprise the process of cheating, and the cheater has been fully aware of what they were doing since they made the original decision to cheat. Heck, for many, the pursuit and the anticipation is the most enjoyable part of the cheating process. It is never “just flirting.”
He is in a state of limerence or “affair fog.” His brain is currently hardwired to misremember your marriage and think only of the bad times in order to retroactively justify the affair. He’s addicted to the dopamine rush of the “new relationship excitement.” The best thing to do is to let them be together; honeymoon phases don’t tend to last once the reality of life creeps in.
Get a lawyer now. Call 5 law firms right now. Don’t let him stay at your house. Keep communication to a bare minimum. Hit the gym. Dress up nice. Get on tinder.
Have you reached out to a lawyer or are you just treading water and thinking of accepting him back?
Personally, based on the EA and the embracing of her, I’d be interviewing lawyers for the most aggressive. You got a therapist, which is great.
Also get the affairs in over to hit hi with the papers. He probably is enjoying his vaca with her but think you’re too broken hearted to be constructive and eave him permanently.
They deserve each other. Let their negative erode their lives.
This is very sad to read. At this point in your lives (and I’ve got about a decade on you) you’d expect smooth sailing and completing what’s important on many levels. He’s reverted back to high school in his brain and body parts; they are in a foggy fantasy land.
At this point in life I’d have very little tolerance for this failing a marriage. I’m supportive of you seeing a therapist to strengthen and straighten yourself, but make an attorney visit the next appointment this week. It’ good to understand the process where you live and your rights.