I have been suffering lately. For some reason, I decided to make a list of all the bad things that happened to me over the recent years and i put the name of the person responsible next to each item on the list.
Long story short, my girlfriend was the biggest offender on that list. She is responsible for 85% of the shit on that list. Everything from insults, lies, humiliation, manipulation. She has said and done some terrible things over the years that I blocked out of my head until I made the list. I blocked it out at the time because that’s what I do when someone I love attacks me by surprise without cause.
I’m feeling all the pain from each and everyone one of these incidents and i seriously don’t know what to do. I can’t get it out of my head now.
I talked to her about some of the things on the list. She didn’t care. She’s too “progressive” now to care about the past. She’s a “better person” now and that’s all she cares about. She doesn’t care about all the damage and destruction she caused. It’s easy to forget about the bad stuff when you are the one dealing the damage, not the one getting hurt.
I would never have done any of this to her. I never came close to doing any of this to ANYONE, certainly not to somebody I call my soulmate. That’s why I can’t forget or forgive this shit. Even on my most rageful day, I would never hurt someone I love the way she hurts me on a normal day.
How do i move on from this? Break up being the very last resort. I want to forgive but something inside me is struggling.
tl:dr – my girlfriend did some terrible shit to me over the years and im having trouble forgiving and forgetting. How to move on from this? Preferably without a breakup.
12 comments
The first question you need to be asking yourself is not “*How* do I forget the terrible things she did to me?”.
The first question you need to be asking yourself is “Why do I value myself so little that I believe that I *should* forgive a lengthy and comprehensive history of terrible treatment that I have suffered at the hands of a person who has stated in absolute terms that she does not even *care* about the hurt she caused me?”
Why do you *want* to forget all of this and move on? So that you can have a nice, blissful future where she *continues to treat you badly with no expectation that she will ever change*?”
What’s your endgame, here? Why would you want to be with someone who has treated you badly, continues to treat you badly, and *will* continue to treat you badly?
And, no, “Because I love her” is not actually a useful answer. People love all *sorts* of awful people. People love murderers. People love rapists. People love child abusers. “Loving someone” does not excuse their behavior or make it acceptable.
In what way does being with her *make your life better* than it would be if she were not in it?
>I talked to her about some of the things on the list. She didn’t care.
“My girlfriend causes me most of my pain and also doesn’t care that she is the cause of this pain”.
What are you doing friend? Why stay?
Read up on Trauma Bonding. You are caught in a web; you’re seeing whats happening but cannot see you need to escape.
As for what to do, there’s likely nothing but leave. If she is unwilling to see her behavior for what it was and make amends the relationship is doomed.
The feeling one feels when leaving something like this is freedom
This person does not want to change and will not change. This is an abusive relationship and she sounds like a hell of an emotional abuser. I am sorry to not give the advice you want, but there is **no way to fix this.** You cannot convince her to change. She does not want to change. Many people never leave their abusive partners because it is incredibly hard when you love someone, but you deserve to be loved and respected by the people in your life, not belittled, manipulated, humiliated and abused.
So what you’re looking to do is clean the slate so she can start over doing a whole bunch of new bad things to you?
>How do i move on from this?
Please seek professional help if you haven’t already. I know you prefer not to breakup but I don’t know man, I don’t know how your relationship will last
“I talked to her about some of the things on the list. She didn’t care.”
This is why I love the quote: “the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.”
I have carried this quote with me throughout my adult life when I find myself evaluating relationships but can’t seem to properly justify why I need to do so in the first place. Like when you tried to block it all out, I did that too for a long time for someone who I’ve shared my adult life with for years! Yet, there’s a long list of things “I shouldn’t have tolerated” and somehow it always seems not “bad enough” to end things/cut contact.
But you come to a point when you realize that it’s the little things that actually matter. Does this person think about how what they say/do to me may affect me in any way? Do they show any genuine concern for my feelings and well-being? When someone consistently dismisses your feelings, it’s a clear sign that they don’t value you enough or at all.
In your case, you realize she’s been doing this for quite a while. Just like you’ve observed that there’s a pattern of behavior over time, it will also take a change in behavior to fix all this. That’s the only healthy way. You may accept an apology, if she ever gives you one…. But is that enough for you? This all boils down to how much value you give yourself so you can convince yourself whatever she does/did to you then or now is something you should allow space in your life.
May I ask something but please don’t be offended? Where is your accountability in all of this?
You have to understand what your position was in all of this and if you maybe let it happen to early/to fast/too often for all of it to go so far.
You cannot forget probably but work with it and get some therapy to deal with your pain and trauma and bad experiences and also learn how to set boundaries and value yourself more. You have to be happy within yourself first before you are able to make someone else happy. Don’t be in a relationship if it feels off, manipulated, painful, etc… Get out. Learn to value yourself and set stricter boundaries.
You’re dating a Chinese communist parade of red flags. LEAVE.
That thing on the inside struggling to forgive and forget…that’s your conscious. Your gut. It is protecting you.
Little bits of poison is still poison. That’s what’s coursing through the relationship and she is not even apologizing for the potentially lethal dose. More poison.
If she will not apologize and strategize a way to ensure she never inflicts that pain then she will always be poisonous.
If she doesn’t voluntarily apologize, then the situation is hopeless, and you’ll never forget.
She claims to have changed, that comes with an apology (without you prompting her for one!)