I’ll keep it short.
Edit: I did not, in fact, keep it short
31M. I’ve been through the dating scene for a long time. I’ve found the best relationships I’ve had are with women who are not actively looking for dates, attention, etc. during the dating process. They are happy in their lives and choose to focus on dating intentionally rather than speaking to tons of men at one time.
I really like and respect a woman who makes it feel during the dating process like she’s giving the time and energy to allow this to unfold between the both of us, as I’m not the type myself to spread my energy and attention thin by hopping on a dating app to talk to 50 women at a time
I’ve been dating this girl for a month now, we just finished date 4. I was clear with her that I stopped talking to other people because I wanted to focus my attention on developing and cultivating a deeper connection with her.
Two days later my friend said he matched with her on Hinge and I noticed she was still talking to 4-5 other men, she even admitted as much, but she said “you’re the only one I’m going on dates with right now”
I cut it off because the need for attention from other men is a concern to me. I explained very kindly that she is doing nothing wrong, I understand that in the modern dating world everyone wants to explore all their options. But I don’t see myself as an option and I’m not going to compete for attention from other men who are not putting in the same effort
I also stated that if by date 4 she still feels the need to seek more options actively then I’m not the type to convince or chase a woman to be with me. I value myself very highly and I enjoy being with a woman who appreciates what I bring to the table. She replied that she understands but she never agreed to exclusivity. Fair enough, but am I wrong for thinking if you’re still seeking other options by now you’re just not that into me?
Maybe I’m a weird one but when I’m truly into somebody I have 0 desire to go out and seek more options
In my heart I know whatever works best for me is what I should pursue, but am I being too harsh? I’m a very self reflective person and I’m curious to hear others opinions on this.
I feel when somebody really values you, you don’t ever need to feel like they’re using you as an option. But even typing that out doesn’t feel “masculine”, I feel like it comes off an insecure.
I’ve dated many beautiful women in my life, and I understand they have tons of options, but in my experience the ones who need that much attention when they’re in the dating process aren’t going to magically not want that attention once they’re in a relationship. Is that unfair to put on somebody?
I’ve heard the advice of “just go date other people too then”, understand that I don’t operate that way. I don’t have the time, energy or desire to get back at somebody I want to be with by reciprocating more of what I don’t want.
It’s not insecurity, it’s just how I value myself.
45 comments
After 4 dates she’s just not that interested in you, she’s still exploring to see if better options exist for her.
I don’t think you’re being too harsh or unrealistic. There’s no right or wrong way to date, it’s all guided by your own values and desires. In this case, you probably made the right call in ending it. She didn’t have to disclose her other dates and there should be no hard feelings from either side. You just aren’t right for each other.
I’ve been struggling with this lately with dating, because I align more with your style. It’s hard to put focus and energy into more than one person, and it feels very inauthentic. It’s so frustrating to watch everyone chasing the next best thing when they already have something pretty great in front of them. I only say all of this so you know that you’re not alone! There will be someone out there that will match your dating style better.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with how you feel you seemed to handle it really respectfully. I wish I would meet more men that feel this way! It’s good you found out now you weren’t compatible without putting more time into it. Hope you find the right fit for you! It’s rough out here lol
I think you handled it just fine, respectfully even. You two just have different approaches to dating and move at different paces; you both made the “right “decision in going after what you want but it didn’t work out. Got chalk it up to incompatibility. Hope it works out for you in the future bud!
“I’ll keep it short” 😆
Well I don’t think either of you are in the wrong here. You guys weren’t exclusive, so she’s free to date others, and at the same time you don’t have to agree / go along with her dating style if it’s not compatible with yours.
It’s a good thing you communicated this within a month. You gave it enough time and figured it’s time to move on. Better to be straightforward early and know when to cut things off if the other person doesn’t want to cut it off to make lingering situations.
I’m not bothering to read your full post. I read the title and the first couple sentences and you just reek of insecurity. You target women who are not actively seeking out other men because your insecurity will not allow the women around you to acknowledge other men. You are like that little yappy dog at the dog park who thinks everything is about him and if anyone so much as LOOKS at another dog, you go crazy and shut everything down.
You should really get over that. You are controlling of women. It’s completely natural for a woman to consider all of her options. You want to be controlling and be the only option available to a woman. That is not healthy. You need to see a therapist about your narcissism before you irreparably damage some poor woman’s mental health.
“you’re not the type” is that your choice or there’s? Do you get alot of interested female attention? Genuinely asking. Like if you did want to, are there 50 women to entertain? But to answer your question, no, you can reject anyone off of any criteria especially if you don’t degrade them which you didn’t so do you.
It’s the correct thing if a man has self respect.
Why did the relationships with the other women who gave you the attention fail?
Everyone is different, and feels differently when it comes to dating. If you feel it doesnt sit well with you, that’s fine. Its also fine if she’d rather keep dating if she’s still undecided.
No one is really wrong here, and there’s nothing wrong with having different values long as everyone respects each other’s viewpoint and decisions
Yeah that’s pretty understandable it shows you have different values
She’s all in on the FOMO bs that prevents people from actually creating bonds. If she’s still talking to others after one date, let alone four, she’s not ready for a relationship.
This aint short
But youre not wrong and made a good decision
She belongs to the streets
I knew dating apps and exclusivity talks would lead to people treating each other like disposable objects eventually. Attention is becoming a hard drug to let go of. The capitalist really fucked up dating by exploiting the fact that we live in a patriarchal society to boot. The only people benefiting from this are toxic attractive males. A trail of broken hearts its consequence.
I was dating multiple women and it made me sick. I most definitely have adopted your approach and just want to date one person at a time. Currently failing at that. I miss dating back in 2005. Felt less like a game show then. Idk just feels so dehumanizing being another “option.” Presently I have 2 casual relationships and 1 FWB. I actually wanted the FWB to be a gf but like the other two casual relationships, they didn’t want anything long term. So I compromised. But ehh its just making me want to be alone and focus on the gym. Especially with my FWB starting an onlyfans now.
My next plan is to just delete dating apps and focus on dating people not on them by going to meet up groups in the city. First I have to break off my casuals. But the comfort they give is nice while I figure out how I want to approach dating. I would still like to start a family one day after all.
Not wrong at all. You have different approaches, hers doesn’t mesh with yours, and it’s hardly unreasonable to end it on that basis.
It’s not that they need the attention but you’re like, I have it so why not? In date 4 you should explain hey I wanna be exclusive and if that’s not something you want, yk go your separate ways but it seems like she didn’t even know you wanted that or was leading to that? And if you don’t know your partner wants that if she’s a beautiful woman why not be open to the other options? I enjoy putting my energy into one guy at a time but they make mistakes and cancel plans and if it’s before he says anything about being exclusive I find it better to date multiple men until one mentions exclusivity.
Is it wrong, no, is it wise, that’s another question.
I don’t see anything wrong with the way you approached.
No, you’re not weird and you know what? Good for you. I would cut things off with a guy if by date 4 he’s still chatting up lots of women and dating them too. People can talk to me about modern dating all they want, that’s why they’re single for the 5th year in a row and I’m not. You will find someone who is more than happy to make you her priority. Rest assured.
If you tell me you want a relationship, you need to act like it. You’re not going to get a relationship while simultaneously playing the field. Either you’re serious or you’re a player, this mentality of wanting to have it any which way you want it is unlikely to generate the kind of results you’re actually looking for.
A lot of people have been conditioned into thinking that as long as there isn’t an exclusive talk or expressed commitment, they’re free to do what they want, and that tends to include seeing, talking to, dating, and even fucking other people. Personally, if you’re the type of person who needs to have a foot pressed on your neck for you to drop the dating profile, you’re a addicted to the validation it brings and I’m not interested in exploring things further.
Maybe an unpopular opinion but I think this “playing the field” thing is why everyone hates modern dating. No one is putting the time and effort in to actually develop a relationship because they still have one foot out the door thinking the grass might be just a bit greener somewhere else. You did the right thing, you know your value and it’s not worth the time and energy to develop this further when any moment she can drop you if another guy is a little better looking or a little more charming or a little more rich.
You value yourself and thats a really attractive quality in a man. Good luck to you !
You’re not wrong to pursue whatever dating strategy you want.
I’m gonna keep it 100 with you that you’re coming off as insecure. Not because you stopped seeing this woman but because you felt you not only have to give her this run on explanation about it but then come back to us talking about it as well.
If you don’t want to date women who talk with other men, that’s fine. Where we get into trouble is making it seem like her talking to men on a dating app while single says anything more about you or her or anything.
We can’t have these grandiose ideas about how dating is supposed to work in the early stages and then never discuss it with the ppl we choose to date. That doesn’t make a lot of sense tbh.
Not wrong at all if that’s what you want
I am a woman & the same as you – i don’t think you’re wrong, she’s just not a match for you. I don’t see the point nor do i have the energy to date multiple people at once. Especially if it’s going well i wouldn’t want to go on dates with other people. She’s not technically wrong either since you weren’t exclusive but your values don’t align which is a valid reason to end things.
No, I don’t bother taking to men who talk/date other women. Waste of time tbh
You’re good, man.
Mad respect to you.
I wish I could find someone like you. I date like this and it’s hard when most people are dating/talking to multiple people.
My only suggestion would be to discuss this *before* cutting things off in the future. Open the conversation up, let the other person think about it for a week or two, bring it up again & then make the decision.
Good call on cutting her off. You saved yourself some time.
Is it *wrong* of you? Absolutely not.
Did she dodge a bullet? Yep. Instead of communicating after date 4 how you behave and think about dating intentionally and that you wanted exclusivity, you said nah she isn’t your thought clone, and you’re moving on.
I think that’s totally fair. When I start to connect with someone I want to see where it goes, just because I’m not necessarily “exclusive” with the person doesn’t mean I’m going to be actively talking to and seeking out potential dates with other men. I would only do that if I wasn’t interested. So good job for keeping your self worth and respectively letting the gal know why!
Go with your gut
I don’t really think you’re in the wrong. And I don’t think she’s in the wrong either. What you want is what you want. But also, you’re not exclusive. You could decide to stop seeing her at any time. You could also pull out the biggest freaking red flag ever because you barely know each other. You can definitely tell her that you want to do something, but it would be weird if you told her that in an expectation of her doing the same. I would start to stop matching with people around date 3, because if a guy can tolerate my company for three dates and he doesn’t annoy me that time we are probably going to do well. But she may not be that. Different people look at exclusivity in different ways, and although neither of you are necessarily wrong you guys may not match in this area or areas like it. And unfortunately it’s a pretty important area to mismatch in.
nice job, homey. if by date 4 theyre not feeling it like you are, time to move along. keep holding yourself in that high regard/respect…someone is going to find that sexy af
I deleted all of the apps on the same night that the 1st date with my now gf. felt that feeling, knew what I wanted, and wanted to give her all of my attention
someone will really appreciate that you want to give them all of your attention/energy
It’s not wrong at all, I personally would have just friend zoned her (explicitly letting her know that I would keep talking to her but only as friends), but I can understand your reasoning completely too.
>Fair enough, but am I wrong for thinking if you’re still seeking other options by now you’re just not that into me?
I honestly think you are wrong about this though. A few dates is not enough to really get to know a person with any significant depth honestly. I don’t think so myself anyway? Unless you’re dating just for physical attraction / casual sex, then sure it’s enough to know. Not enough to know if you’re truly compatible long-term with a person. Sure you can ask them questions in that number of dates, but asking questions isn’t really enough, you need to observe over a period of time what kind of a person they are, what motivates them, what they’re doing in life, ya know?
According to reddit u can end it for any reason.
>I don’t see myself as an option
Everyone willing to entertain u is an option.
>I’m a weird one but when I’m truly into somebody I have 0 desire to go out and seek more options
Same but I am def weird.
On dating apps, I (f) will chat with multiple people at a time, but once I start dating someone, I stop the other chats but don’t necessarily unmatch. I will “pause” my account, but if I right swiped someone a month ago and they are just now getting around to right swiping me, then they will add new matches while I’m paused from the site. Tbh, I couldn’t read your whole post, but this doesn’t seem like that big of a deal.
You want to focus all your energy on one person: that’s okay. You expect the same from the other person: not really ok (and I’ll explain my reasoning) but you’re absolutely right to end things if that’s what you wanted. The early stages of dating are like the early stages of a new job: termination can happen for any reason, or no reason.
In my view, it’s unfair to suggest she’s just “seeking attention from other men” as if she’s desperate for male validation. No, no. She’s exploring her options. You’re all still in the interviewing stage. Until exclusivity is established, both parties are free to talk to other people. Date them, even.
This is partly a cultural thing: in some places it’s an unspoken assumption that only one potential partner is being auditioned at a time. Where I live, it’s assumed people are living their lives however they like *until* exclusivity is discussed.
Personally, I would find it weirdly controlling if a date expected me to speak only to them just four dates in. If they wanted to end things for that reason? I’d beat them to it.
You say in the post header that she’s “talking to too many other men” when, in fact, it’s just that she’s talking to anyone other than you. Again, your attitude is oddly possessive this early in the dating process. You say “she needs attention from other men” but I see “OP is insecure and a tad entitled.”
However, you’re free to dump her for any reason, so you’re not wrong there.
Some people like the competition during this phase. To be chosen as the best with others chasing has something about it for me
Others may want or demand competition eliminated .
Whatever is right for you is right for you. What conditions you set might need clarity
She likely has options and will decide as she sees fit.
Women seeing other men after seeing me gives me the ick hard-core.
If I’m not the only dude you see from our first meeting, you are for the streets to me.
I think you did right by you. You didn’t nothing wrong, nether did she.
Good on you for knowing your own value and calling things off with someone that doesn’t.
Woman here, and I totally get you. Joined the dating market only a few months ago after being single for 2 years, and it’s highly irritating that you have to get to know each other and keep your cool for god knows how long (‘ofc it’s fine you date others blaaa’), before you actually start to be exclusive. And that you have to address it as a pre-step, fml. Usually I turn my profile off after a few dates because I want to focus on that person, and I cant with talking to others.
I wish you all the best, and I wish there would be more men like you who are not scared of trying to get into a commitment. Restores my faith a bit 🙂