Hi everyone. I know the title is kind of weird, but I have no one else to talk to about this. For context, my boyfriend and I recently moved in together after dating for a year. Sex is great, but he just opened up to me about some things he wants to try.
He says, and I quote, “He wants to get as close as he can to experiencing death and it must be caused by me squeezing him with my thighs.” I know my boyfriend has been more on the submissive side and that is not a problem, but he seemingly wants to undergo severe, dangerous levels of pain and he just wants me to suffocate him.
We have tried choking before. One time he told me he “saw some lights” and it was fun, but I draw the line when it means I could be almost killing someone.
It also affects our life now. I knew he liked my legs, but it’s excessive. I workout so my they are a bit toned, but he calls them “thunderous.” I don’t even know where he got the word from.
How do I talk to him about it?
17 comments
You have to lay down the law and tell him when his kinks cross lines for you and you are not willing to do something that you feel is too dangerous. Just be direct and don’t back down on your own boundaries.
Thunder thighs. Essentially, it means you probably have big thighs. Although, honestly, the true definition of thunder thighs is mean to be an insult, as it usually denotes someone having large thighs due to fat, and the slapping motion that comes from said fat thighs.
Are you absolutely sure you want to stay in this relationship? Not to kink shame, but if it makes you that uncomfortable, that should be a red flag as to whether you should continue to see him. Clearly, it’s making you uneasy to the point where you are questioning things. Trust your gut, if he’s coming on too strong or is starting to weird you out, it’s probably time to pull the plug and move on.
At any time you can randomly bring it up: “By the way, I really don’t want to almost kill you okay? Ain’t doing it”
Whatever conversation is had afterward is unknown but you should just start with your basic concern.
For starters, so long as you only squeeze the sides of ones throat, they’ll just pass out from lack of oxygen(nated blood) to the brain.
Vs pressure to the front of the throat which will stop airflow. — this is why people die from autoerotic strangulation
Re: thighs, it’s common “thunderous” or at least it was when I was in the streets.
## how to talk
Have this conversation after a Sunday morning breakfast. Let him know you want to talk about your feeling’s. do NOT say about relationship, it will put him on edge and think that anything you say is your reason for breaking up.
Let him know your comfort level of doing/trying kink stuff. How far you’re willing to go or whether or not you want to continue. Keep in mind that a kink is just something someone likes/wants to do that they find exciting. A fetish is something they NEED in terms of fulfilment.
In other words, if it’s a fetish, he’ll have to find it elsewhere if you’re not willing. Whether or not you two remain together is another issue. But there **are** happy successful relationships where one party gets their fetish satisfied outside of the relationship. And fetishes don’t always include penetrative sex.
Basically he could just find someone to choke him out with their thighs. But YMMV
Good luck explaining this in court when you are on murder charges.
I would be carefull with kinks like this if you have a falling out he could claim domestic violence
I have been a pro-domme for over a decade.
There is no safe way to do the type of serious breathplay he wants. Vanillas are super cavalier about choking *and they shouldn’t be*. Like it would legit be an order of magnitude safer to nail his dick to a board. The other person commenting about how it’s totally safe is full of shit. Light scissor hold choking is one thing and can definitely be done within acceptable risk levels, going til he sees the lights is too much.
There are plenty of people out there with fantasies that must forever remain fantasy, and sadly your boyfriend is one of them. Sit him down and have a serious talk with him about the very real safety risks.
If you’re comfortable with it scissor hold + verbally playing out the fantasy could be one way to scratch the itch.
Well first off, good on you for not choking him to death. Even with light choking, it is pretty easy to accidentally kill someone if you’re inexperienced. A lot of people try it as their intro to bdsm, which is scary because it’s one of the more dangerous bdsm options available. If you feel this is verging on self-harm behavior, he should seek counseling. If you feel he just doesn’t realize what he’s asking for, maybe look for kink classes in your area where experienced doms teach proper technique.
I’m all for kinks and all but choking to that extent is legitimately dangerous. There’s a reason why law enforcement etc don’t use sleeper holds anymore. I suggest you warn him of this and suggest easing it back a little.
This is not good long term.. if he wants this stuff he should go the whole way a find a man to do this with…
You should find a real man who wouldn’t even think of this shit
Thunderous thighs or the phrase thunder thighs has been around for a long time. Not necessarily a compliment. You need to tell this guy that death is forever and you haven’t decided if he is your forever man. Move on!
Tell him to try DMT.
He’s most likely a former heroin addict and you need to get away from him.
But seriously though. If you find it weird or creepy you need to tell him. If it can’t be unresolved you need to distance yourself from him
Help your boyfriend take it down a notch. He’s fantasized about something that is just too far for most people. It’s likely not the one thing he’s missing for his life to be complete, but his brain is telling him that it is. You must be having great times together, so maybe his mind is telling him the sky’s the limit, but he has to learn to pull it back into an acceptable range for both of you, preferably one that doesn’t risk your lives. It may take him some time to mourn the loss of that dream, but you can fill up that loss with lots of other great times and memories. I hope he agrees that a great sex life for both of you is better than pursuing his kicks at the risk of alienating you or causing damage.
Even if you don’t accidentally kill him, cutting off oxygen can cause brain damage.
Thunder Thighs
I think he should just use your thigh as a pillow, he doesn’t need you to almost kill him with them.