We have been together 4 years married 3. We used to have sex all the time. Now we don’t have any sex for months and when we do (once every two months MAYBE), he bust really quickly. I have tried having conversations with him about it but all he ever says to me is “I’m sorry, I’ll do better” but never does. I have tried initiating sex so many times but he always turns me down and tells me he’s not in the mood or he’s too tired. It’s starting to take a toll on me mentally. I feel like I’m no longer good enough for him or maybe something’s wrong with me? I go above and beyond for this man and it breaks my heart we have no sex life anymore. I try to make sure he comes home to a hot meal every day, clean house, kids taken care of, night clothes laid out for when he takes a shower, and work clothes laid out for the next day. I don’t nag bc I wouldn’t want to come home from working all day to a bunch of nagging. Idk what to do anymore. I’m so lost.
37 comments
Ask him about it again and don’t take “I’ll be better” as an answer. Tell him he needs to take concrete steps to improve, talking to a doctor would be a good start
If he is watching porn , he should stop. Also, is he in terrible shape or have poor eating habits? That can be a factor in low libido situations. Seeing a doctor would help too.
Time for a physical. Maybe low T. Ask a dr.
My friend’s husband lost his sex drive, and it turned out he had low testosterone.
Sorry- is he seeing some else ?
It’s a bit reductive but maybe he feels that you’re mothering him (laying out clothes etc) and it’s not hot for him. Leave him alone for a bit to focus on you, get a new hobby, do things that make you feel happy and attractive, and generally be a bit less available. It sounds like the current state isn’t working or helping things so switching it up can’t hurt.
Are you certain that he doesn’t have decreased testosterone?
It’s probably low T. He’s getting older, and if he’s gaining weight (fat) that will also decrease his testosterone.
Needs medical advice maybe
Are there other sources of stress in his life? Does he feel accomplished in his career or other important personal goals? Are there things he wishes he has done and is now regretting? Are these affecting his libido?
Have you gone through physical changes that could be fixed with more effort (no judgment if so — i am just listing possible reasons)?
Is your sex life routine? Has it been a long time since you’ve done some novel or risky or spontaneous? Are there things you know he has always wanted to do that you night revisit incorporating in some capacities or trying?
There’s a lot of reasons this could happen. When you talk to him, it may help to explore some of these topics and his opinions on them rather than just asking if anything is wrong in an open ended way.
It also helps to make it clear you care about him and care about satisfying his sexual needs, and that this is an attempt do that better, not to tell him he’s doing something wrong.
Well I know I wouldn’t be laying his clothes out for him anymore. Stop doing that.
First order of business is to get him to the doctor. There could be something simple (testosterone) or it could be something more serious. If everything is fine there, he may be depressed, and could benefit from therapy. I also suggest couples counseling to help you work through this. Good luck.
Low T. He needs to go to the doctor.
This isn’t a pride thing, or it makes him less manly. This is 100% a health thing that a shitload of men go through. My buddy went through it and now he’s a totally different dude after treatment
Sorry to hear this.
Hope it works out for you.
You are not alone.
he’s probably watching porn
Shouldn’t he see his doctor even before he goes to a urologist?
Sounds to me like there’s nothing wrong with you but I’m pretty sure that your husband needs to go see a urologist and get some help with his ED.
Has he had his testosterone checked? If its low he won’t even think about sex. I got on T last year and I am after my wife like a 20 year old horn ball 3-5 times a week. And I’m 51. Wife is happy.
Limited/interrupted sleep can also have a significant impact on testosterone levels
Love your username that’s my contribution to this post.
Sounds like he has performance anxiety, which is completely unrelated to you cooking meals etc
I understand your frustration. Talk to him about it. Don’t let the conversation stop at “I’ll do better” and don’t talk to him like it’s his fault, it’s nobody’s fault. Tell him how it makes you feel but also let him know you consider how he feels too.
I used to bust really fast too, and it’d be so embarrassing that I wouldn’t enjoy sex and it’d be stressful leading up to and during. So if that’s the problem there’s options, if it’s not idk
Some men lose their sexual attraction to a wife because he starts seeing her more as the “mother of my children” than a lover. While you should definitely look into a low Testosterone situation you might want to try doing some date nights without the children. Find places to go where you can really dress sexily for him, maybe go dancing where you two can rub on each other a bit. Rebuild that attraction that has been lost.
The reason he’s likely coming so fast (unless he always had that problem) is that he’s not coming enough and it’s building up. When you have the next session, get him to come quickly during foreplay, then have him satisfy you and then have intercourse. He should be okay to go twice, especially if he uses the viagra given to him.
He may also need a bit of change of pace. It sounds like he has a lot on his mind all the time. Maybe when he says he’s tired just say “that’s okay I’ll do all the work” and then lay him down and have your way with him, perhaps even tying him up. The main thing is get him to look at you at his lover and not “mom.” Good luck.
I’m on trt for low T – as well as diminishing libido it also makes me lethargic, irritable and just a general sad sack (not sure if I’d call it depression…. But it’s just hard to get excited about anything).
Definitely worth getting it checked to cross off a physical impediment – going to viagra first is just lazy- he needs a different doctor.
Testosterone, depression and being over 40 are like the unholy trinity of libido killer in men. He first has to accept there is a problem. Then he needs to see a doctor.
His testosterone levels should be tested. 40 is when they start plumeting for men. That affects libido. Might not have anything to do with u. If those are normal, sex therapy.
Couples counseling, best solution I can think of.
By the sound of things, your relationship has devolved into him being a extra kid. Putting clothes out for him to this degree is very unhealthy and odd in my opinion. He goes to work, you manage him at home. Might indirectly see you as a maid or mother rather than an equal partner.
You need to reach a point where you two can talk, as adults and partners, with each other about these things. Sure, nagging isn’t the way to go, but neither is walking on egg shells. Need to work out a way to communicate better or it will most likely continue.
This guy needs TRT
At 41 he might be experiencing a lack of testosterone. That’s my guess anyways
How do I 42m get a 31f wife who wants me to bone her more often?
You say he busts really quickly, is it a premature ejaculation issue and he’s embarrassed by it? So he’d rather not do it at all? Just saying…..🤔
So several possible reasons come to find OP:
1) is his health good (heart, weight, sleep, etc..)? If hasn’t had a physical in the last year, I’d push it. 2) could he be depressed/burned out! 3) Does he watch porn or could he be cheating? 4) how is your relationship otherwise? You almost do too much for him. He may see you more as mom than his wife. I’d live soneone to do all that for me. 5) Do the two of you ever do anything alone, away from the kids? If you aren’t working to strengthen the relationship and keep the flame alive, it will slowly die. It’s also hard to have a strong connection if you rarely see each other. 6) has anything about you changed that may affect his attraction? Lord knows I’m a bit different than I was 25yrs ago when I met my husband. 7) a man’s libido decreases as they age, and he is 41. His testosterone levels could be decreasing. 8) the issues may or may not be serious. I hope you can work on your connection, get some time alone for fun, and rekindle the flame. I wish you the best OP!
I had this issue somewhat . Turned out my Testosterone was unbelievably low! Brought my levels back up and I can’t get it enough! It’s a really cheap test you can sen fb on your own but I went through my urologist and he then put me on TRT. Testosterone Replacement Therapy.
Btw I’m 47 and was about 41 when this issue presented itself. Good luck and I hope it all works out !
There’s many foods that’ll boost testosterone production. Brussel sprouts are one, lots of veggies, leeks, pomegranate juice, so much more. Try folding some into his diet.
Probably low testosterone. Usually the cause. Don’t fault yourself.
He is in his head. When he bust early, how early are we talking about? He may need to see a urologist or maybe even a sex therapist It is probably performance anxiety but it could also be something physical/medical that he needs to talk about and have checked out. A lot of guys struggle with talking about these issues, even with their doctors. It’s a difficult subject to approach.
Low T