My husband and I had a minor disagreement last night that was less than a minute long. A couple minutes later we tried to rationally discuss what happened and why. He explained his point of view and I tried to explain mine. I was being cut off while trying to talk and I noticed that the conversation devolved into him “Lecturing” me instead. My husband just kept repeating his point of view over and over, like he was trying to convince me he was right. I’ve noticed this same thing before during conversations, that I get cut off and my husband just repeats his point of view. I’ve literally thought to myself in those moments “what’s the point of a *conversation* if we can’t BOTH talk?”
Is this “lecturing” a form of gaslighting OR maybe just some sort of invalidation?
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Also, he told me that *if I was a “decent human being”* I would have done xyz during that disagreement (the xyz being what HE would have done). I’ve never in my life thought to tell someone that they need to start being a “decent human being”…even in the worst of cases. This really hurt to hear him say that about me, mostly because it is not the first time. He used those same words to describe me a few weeks ago and in a later conversation I asked if he really thought that about me and he said NO. I asked that he be aware of his word choices in the future then. If that’s not how he actually feels, he shouldn’t be saying those things. And here we are, he used the same words again…he’s got to be telling me how he really feels about me, right?!? This phrase is also not something I’ve heard him use until recently and he has described some pretty despicable people as not being a “decent human being”, so…idk.
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**Here’s some additional info**:
We’ve been together over 20 years and married most of that time. We’ve been going to couples counseling since the beginning of the year, and I feel this has really helped with our communication.
I would describe him as outgoing and opinionated (he always has an opinion and has no problem expressing it). I’ve always been a people pleaser and go with the flow…if my husband wanted us to do something, I’d just go along with it (I never had strong feelings against anything and looking back I feel like my opinions didn’t matter anyway).
Late last year I hit a breaking point: I was overworked, completely burnt out, beyond stressed and was no longer ok with our relationship as it was. With therapy (couples and individual), I’ve been able to figure out what *I WANT* and have been expressing my thoughts and opinions on more things (yay!). Since this goes against how things have been for most of our relationship, perhaps my husband can’t deal with the change?? Like maybe he was used to just getting his way and now I’m not always on board with what he wants, and he doesn’t like it??
He has also *regularly* invalidated my thoughts, feelings and opinions, saying “I don’t understand (her point of view) because it makes no sense (to me)”. *Prior to therapy* (and our improved communication), when we’d talk about anything serious, I just didn’t have anything to say. I didn’t really know how I felt about the situation and didn’t have a solution, and because of that I’d just said nothing instead. Very frustrating for him, for sure. Now I can state my thoughts and if I don’t have a solution, I can at least express that too and we can figure something out together.
I’d also like to state that I’ve never had problems communicating with other people. No misunderstanding or confusion about what I thought or what I was saying. For some reason it is just that way with my husband. During therapy when I explain my side of something, and the therapist asks him to repeat what I said, he misses the whole point. Like I don’t even understand WHERE he came up with the one minor thing he said. The therapist repeats back to me exactly what I’ve said, so maybe my husband just isn’t a good listener??
Anyways, thanks for reading, your feedback is appreciated.
We are in therapy, working on fixing our problems and keeping our marriage together. I’ve noticed things I’ve done/do that need improving, and am working on them as well. If there’s something here I should look into further on my end, I will. I’m not saying it’ll be easy, but I’m open to it!
This is obviously just one piece of what we are dealing with, and because it just happened last night, it is front and center in my mind.
5 comments
I think it’s called trying to talk too soon after the issue, that means, you’re still arguing and if you’re not on a debate team and your discussing feelings in the heat of the moment things tend to get dirty.
Sounds like he’s too busy thinking of his next defense to listen to you.
One thing you might want to do especially the short disagreement did you both get a Google voice number it’s easy and cheap.Type out what you’re saying and send it. That way there’s no misunderstanding, he said she said. And keep that up until there is an understanding.
My husband and I kinda… stopped trying to “prove” certain points to each other, as there will always be some things about one person that the other just can’t understand, either immediately or over a long term. We’re different people after all, and repeating the same stuff over and over again with no solution is kind of mania inducing.
Say, if for the first few passes the other person just “doesn’t get it,” we’ll stop and try to assess again later. We definitely have a safe word for arguing and if one or both of us can tell we’re getting too heated we drop it and discuss it in the morning or the next day. If it was that important, it’ll be there, and it’s usually enough time for both of us to think, analyze, and maybe approach the situation differently (usually more calmly and with more respect and simpler expression.) We definitely hate arguing with each other (believe me, we’ve had enough practice! 😅)
Arguing respectfully is definitely a learned behavior. We still argue, and we both still get way too heated sometimes, but it’s important that we don’t personally attack each other.
Your husband saying you aren’t a “decent human being” is a personal attack and he needs to learn how to express his points without belittling you (repeating over and over to you like he’s trying to “teach” you,) or insulting you.
That’s when integrity goes out the window, when personal attacks, sarcasm, or “holier than thou” energy comes into play. At that point you aren’t communicating anymore and whoever is attacking is just interested in wearing you down into submission. You’re probably correct in assuming your new assertive communication style is difficult for your husband to understand, and in repeating and attacking he may be trying to “get back” that quiet non-confrontational person that was making things easier for him, but making you unhappy.
I would explain to him that you are trying to be happy by helping yourself get your needs met, something both you AND him deserve, and that you still want to help him and his happiness is important to you, too.
Communication is difficult, and I’m glad you are seeing therapists, but you may want to ask him to do some research on his own, too, to better aid your understanding between each other. If he denies that and says he doesn’t need to at least work on some stuff… that’s another issue in and of itself.
Once my husband is heated, there is no point in continuing the discussion. It’s like he is triggered, and all his common sense and kindness goes out the window. I used to call this version of him A-hole <his name>. He is such a kind person normally, so it is shocking when he behaves this way to me. I have told him before, I love him, but I don’t care for that version of him at all. I don’t tolerate any kind of insults either. Once he gets too angry or dishes out a personal attack, I’m out of the convo. So, if you are not able to have a calm discussion because he is cutting you off, I would just tell him – I can see that you are upset, but you are not listening, and this is not productive. I think we need some cooling off time, and lets revisit this later. Things tend to deescalate a lot once you get out of the emotional state that happens during an argument. My husband has learned that if he gets this way, I will just stop the discussion, which he hates but also understands why it was necessary. Over time, he learned to control his anger or whatever so this is rarely necessary anymore, but if it happens, I still respond the same.
As for misunderstanding what you are saying, I found out in marriage counseling just how often this was happening with me and my husband. We are also very different, and have such a different way of handling problems. Your husband needs to learn that his way isn’t better or worse, it is just different. Once you take the judgment out of the differences, the whole approach changes. You should talk about this in the counseling.
He also needs to accept that you feel how you feel, even if it doesn’t make sense to him. It doesn’t have to make sense to him. He needs to accept it. This also should be discussed in the counseling.
It’s going to be hard, but you are going to have to be very clear with what you are asking for from him, painfully specific, and avoid generalizing at all. Like for example, instead of saying I want my husband to show me more love, you need to say specifically what you want him to do. Like – what does showing more love mean to you?
It’s a process for both of you to learn to communicate better. His “lectures” are occurring when he doesn’t feel heard, just like you clam up when you don’t feel heard. Try not to judge his style, and maybe he won’t judge yours.
You are both at fault here. Don’t point fingers. Work together.
You both are doing great by going to counseling! Hats off to you both!!