I posted about a year ago about my husband refusing to end a friendship with another woman. We ended up deciding to go to couples therapy last October. The therapist gave us things to work on and told him that he needed to end the friendship because it was on the verge of an affair. After a big fight and me asking him to pick me or her, he chose me and told me he ended the friendship.

Fast forward to July. I thought things were getting better. We were communicating better. We weren’t fighting but we were talking out our issues. His mom had major surgery the beginning of this year so he was going to his parents most weekends and we work opposite shifts during the week so we never really got to see each other. I never complained but I did ask him multiple times to make time for us…. which he never did but I wanted him to be there to help his mom. I didn’t want him to neglect her because I wanted his time.
In April, I came across some pics of him and the girl together and I was stupid enough to believe him when he said they were old pics.

Mid July, I came home from work and had just taken my shoes off at the door when he asked me for a divorce. It was so unexpected. We had an amazing day before. Got lunch together and just hung out around the house together. He told me he was tired of how I talked down to him but when I asked him to give me examples, he would bring up things from months back. Things that we had talked about and things I thought that we had moved on from. (Example: kids (11yoM, 9yoF) were grounded from their electronics bc they refused to clean their rooms and he gave them back their phones and I got upset. There was no yelling or fighting. I just told him I needed him to back me up on discipline and not trample over rules I had set in place.) He even told me he went through my phone and I was like ‘okay…. you know my code for a reason, I’m not cheating…I’m not hiding anything. Were you just looking for something to pin on me?’

He packed his things and just left. He’s refused to talk to me or the kids and ignores calls and messages. He threatened to have me arrested if I went to his parents house to try to talk to him. I just wanted to talk. I begged him to stay. That I would do whatever he wanted if he would just stay. He refused to hear it. It’s been almost 2 months of nothing. We have to talk about things like how to split the bills, how we’re going to split debt, cars, how we’re going to proceed with the divorce. But he’s blocked me on everything.

I’ve never called this man names. I’ve never cheated. I’ve never put my hands on him. Nothing. I wasn’t a perfect wife but nothing I’ve ever done deserves this treatment. Nothing I’ve done makes the kids deserve this treatment. He’s treated every bit of this situation like a bad break up and not a divorce. And about a month ago I found out that not only had he created a secret Instagram account to be able to keep in contact with the girl he was ‘friends’ with but that he also bought them tickets in June (before he asked for the divorce) to a concert in October. So I know now he was just blaming it on me to feel better about himself.

Moving forward, should I just file and serve him or should I wait to see if he files. As much as I wanted to save my marriage… what he’s done to the kids is completely uncalled for and unforgivable. What do I do moving forward?

Edit: My kids are his step kids but he’s been dad for almost a decade. He’s been dad since they were babies and has been thr only dad they really remember. Their bio dad left the country over 7 years ago and just recently came back. So I know he doesn’t owe support for them. I even asked him to still talk to them. I let them use their own phones to contact him for a while after he left but when their messages and calls kept being ignored…I told them to stop until he replied. I couldn’t stand watching their hearts break over and over every time they checked for a reply after school.

40 comments

  1. As heartbreaking as it is, you already know the right move. This man is a gaslighting asshole and even if he came CRAWLING back, the right answer would still be to throw the whole man back into the garbage. You deserve better. You deserve to be loved and respected and chosen. FILE, GIRL, FILE.

  3. Get all your financial information together, all legal documents, all paperwork related to insurance, kids school records, etc and hire an attorney. He will take you to the cleaners. Get your house in order and go on the offensive. You do not want to be caught off guard with your bank accounts cleaned out, mortgage unpaid and no recourse.

    I’m so sorry. It’s time to treat this like a hostile corporate takeover.

  4. You file first, don’t wait for him to do anything. He’s a lying sack of garbage and he doesn’t deserve you. Let this ‘friend’ of his have him, she’ll lose him the same way she got him and that’s on her.

    For your own sake, please look into therapy for yourself and your children. I hope you have a good support system- friends, other family, siblings, etc. Lean on them for support and if anyone asks, tell them the truth. Good luck!

  5. Erm sounds like dude been having an affair and has gone to see if the grass is greener.

    File for divorce. Block his number.

    Anything of his left behind, pack it up.

    Tell his parents your dropping it off and if he contacts you at all or comes to your house you’ll call the police

  6. You get yourself a lawyer. You file. If you are still in therapy, keep going. If you stopped, and you can afford it, go back. Focus on being the best parent you can be to your children. Your children are going to need you more than ever. They have been abandoned by two fathers & that is going to do some long term damage. So you will need to step up & find ways to limit the damage as much as you can. Lean on family & friends. Not sure where you are, but perhaps reach out to your children’s school to see if they can recommend anything.

    You can do this OP, you are stronger than you feel right now, but you will get through!

  7. Get a lawyer and file for divorce. He actually may be on the hook for child support even though they are not biologically his. He has been in their lives since they were babies and they see him and their father. Don’t wait for him to file please. And you should talk to his parents. He has probably lied about why he left and you should set the record straight and let them know he left you. Tell them at the very least, he was having an emotional affair.

  8. File asap and make sure your lawyer follows the money trail of dollars he possibly spent on a hidden affair so you may recover misappropriated marital assets.

  9. You definitely need to file right away and get all of the paperwork, deeds, titles, and debts figured out for when you.talk to a lawyer

    I’m so sorry, this really blows but he shouldn’t be in your life anymore at all

  11. Just file for divorce. The petty side of me wants to point out this will probably catch him off guard just as much as him asking for a divorce caught you off guard.

    He was probably cheating on you with this girl the entire time. Move on with the next chapter of your life and just focus on you and the kids. You deserve better, good luck with everything.

  12. He told you he wants a divorce, moved out, blocked you, threatened to call the cops if you show up to try to talk to him and it has been two months of no contact even though he has been a father to your children.

    It is obvious he does not want to be with you anymore and more importantly it is just as obvious that this is not a man you should want to be with anymore. This is text book broken beyond repair, go get a lawyer and do what that lawyer tells you to do.

  13. I would suggest finding an attorney and filing for divorce. The reason I suggest that is due to a train wreck I witnessed first hand. A coworker (who was in a relationship) was having an affair (with a married man). They both snuck around and the man had absolutely no drive to divorce his wife.. One of those have your cake and eat it too situations. Both of these people’s significant others found out. The coworker’s boyfriend left her. The affair partner’s wife filed for divorce. This man had the literal balls to drag his feet about signing the papers while still having an affair with the coworker. If his wife didn’t push for the divorce she would’ve been stuck with a man who didn’t respect her or the family they built. The insult was even worse when he got the mistress pregnant… All while dragging his feet about getting divorced from his wife.

    You deserve a man who doesn’t question your value in his life. If he is not 110% satisfied with what you offer then leave him. Someone out there will be more than happy taking his place (and they won’t cheat on you either). Do what is best for you and your children. Our lives are short. Don’t waste it on someone like him.

  14. Get a lawyer immediately. You need to know your options and any steps you need to take. I know it hurts, but you have to protect your kids and make a plan on how you’re going to move on.

    Updateme

  18. I don’t agree that this divorce is coming out of nowhere. Your whole post tells the story of a marriage in trouble from both sides. I mean, you spend no time together, he didn’t want to make time to spend together …. that’s a huge warning sign.

    I don’t think he is handling the seperation maturely – obviously he was planning it for awhile. I do think he should have at least said goodbye to the children. I think you need to start moving on, explain to your children that sometimes when adults seperate they don’t remain in contact and this is one of those times. Put your kids in counseling, file for divorce and just move forwards.

  20. You should ABSOLUTELY get a divorce lawyer and file first, you do not want to be the only scrambling once he files.

  21. Your marriage has had a lot of problems and it looks like he checked out. So I would quit pretending this came out of nowhere.

    For example, you say he is your kid’s dad, but he isn’t allowed to discipline them and you get to overturn his judgment. If there was a lot of that, then saying he was their dad is in error.

    Unfortunately, being with his mom and on different shift allowed him time to review your marriage and what he got out of it. Not enough it seems.

    Protect your finances, get a good lawyer and cherish your children. They’ve lost 2 fathers now.

  22. It didn’t come out of nowhere. He was having an affair and you held on to the relationship and thought counseling would fix it. Counseling doesn’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped or stop what they’re doing. He was just biding his time to get his ducks in a row. This what you should’ve been doing yourself. Stop talking to him and get a lawyer. He’s probably knocked that woman up by now.

  23. Your kids will probably need therapy. Please get them help. I feel bad for you but I really feel bad for them. Good luck.

  25. file for divorce. he wants her and vice versa fine. tell his parents everything and make it known that he broke two kid’s hearts in the first place. you and your kids are WAYYYY better off without him. he probably will come back and say it was all a mistake and that he wants to work on it, but no. he hurt you AND your kids he can go fuck himself. and if he doesnt come back and say it was a mistake then oh well. your family deserves better than this piece of trash.

  26. Get to a lawyer right away. Find out what your options are. Get your ducks in a row, get a plan in place and have him served.

  27. Total dick move to you but to do that to those kids who already had their bio dad skip out, they are kids… what a trash human being

  28. I feel for the kids. The damage being done to them will stay with them. My own dad did something similar. My parents were already divorced, but my dad saw us on the weekends and was in the picture. Then he got ghost one day and we couldn’t reach him at all. He still made his child support payments but no call or nothing for birthdays or anything. Shows up out the blue out of nowhere with a new wife, who was just drama with blue eyes and blonde hair.

    The fact that a long term, stable presence in their lives just up and leaves, for reasons that they can’t understand will stay with them as it did me. It’s the fact that he chose to do this out of his own free will, when he’s supposed to love them will shatter their sens of stability. Things like that may not show themselves often, but it will make its effects known when they grow and start dealing with relationships of their own.

    Him wanting a divorce didn’t just come from out of nowhere. This was probably brewing while he was with the so called “friend” whom almost turned into an affair. Unfortunately you can’t control a person’s feelings. If that’s where he finds his happiness, so be it. It’s painful but make peace with it and move on as best you can.

    His actions will come back to him. What he’s doing to the kids is wrong..and him choosing her will come back to haunt him. You sound like you have been a supportive and loving wife to him. He will regret leaving the love of a solid family. And you will find someone that sees how valuable you are.

  29. Get a lawyer, and do exactly what the lawyer tells you to do. It is time to staunchly protect your interests, he’s already moved on.

  31. Consider it a blessing. Im so sorry it’s happening but truly I wish more people would just be honest and get out if they wanna get out.

  32. In CA if you have supported a child after four consecutive years you are liable for child support even if they are not biologically yours. You need a good divorce attorney and find out if you can get him on abandoning the house. You need to secure your house for you and your kids. This marriage is over he has chosen her.

  33. Babe, its not “out of nowhere” when hes been blatantly cheatin on you for years and even using his parents as an excuse to spend weekends with her and taking advantage of your work schedule. Also, hes not at his parents, hes at his gfs and doesnt want you to know, thus the flimsy threat.

    Block his number on everyone phones, get the kids to a child psychology, get a psychologist for yourself, file for divorce, and get full STD testing. Oh, also, separate any joint accounts and lock down any credit cards you share. Make sure he has ZERO access to any of your finances.

  34. As I’m sure you know, your husband is having a full blown affair. It’s not a friendship. I had the same thing happen to me. My ex wife had not one, but 2 affairs. Don’t do what I did. Enforce your boundaries. Don’t try to win him back. Fuck that guy. Don’t do a thing for him. If there is a chance of saving the marriage, it’s him that needs to put in the work to win you back, but the other way around. Don’t count on that happening though. The best thing you can do right now is focus on your self and your kids. Work on healing from the damage that he has done.

  35. > He even told me he went through my phone

    He’s cheating. He was projecting on you and hoping you’d admit to something.

    > As much as I wanted to save my marriage…

    Don’t. File for divorce.

  36. Why would you beg him for anything? First off read what you wrote , what would you tell your friend if she wrote that ? There is no respect there why would you want him? He clearly doesn’t love you do you think your going to change his mind? Convince him he does? Please have more respect for yourself and let him go! He is a liar and a cheater that’s what you want? You can do better, just remember your kids are watching all of this

  37. High likelihood he was cheating on you. Hence his lack of effort in carving out time for the two of you.

    I really really don’t like your soon to be ex. Talk to a lawyer. I would not rely on your spouse handling things fairly. Your husband is not acting in good faith and the way he is treating your kids is reprehensible.

  38. My late Dad was an attorney, when I caught my then-husband cheating. Dad helped me find a family law attorney, and he loaned me the money for the attorney’s retainer. I’ll never forget what Dad told me: “You always want to be the Plaintiff, not the Defendant,” in other words, FILE FIRST. YOU are the aggrieved. YOU did nothing wrong.

    (Just an FYI: on the day I left — he didn’t know I found evidence that he cheated — I left for him, on the kitchen counter, three packets from the Court: divorce papers, a child custody motion, and motions for both child and spousal support. Yes, my stomach rolled as I dropped these on the counter. But it was also exhilarating! I finally had taken control of MY life.)

  40. Stop…. It sounds like you’ve loved him to hell and back, you sound like an amazing wife and mom who doesn’t want her world blown apart. But, unfortunately, he’s in the midst of a full blown affair, you mean less than nothing to him now, he is blinded by this other woman and no amount of begging or calls or visits will bring him back. Like most cheaters he’s now just a pos and treat him as such. File divorce papers as soon as possible and move on with your life.
    Even though he was/is the dad your kids know, he’s not their dad, and guys like him have already moved on, he’s a low life callous piece of garbage to hurt such young beautiful children, but now is the time to shield them and not expose them to his toxicity.
    Good luck, you sound like a sweetheart and my heart really aches for you.

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