There’s so much more to the story than I can convey in the title.
We’ve dated for 2.5 years. Two nights ago, I got home from work and we started catching up on each others’ days, as usual. We chatted for a couple of hours. We had a couple of glasses of wine each. Suddenly, he started bawling, and confessed to me that he’d learned that he had pancreatic cancer three weeks ago.
I was shocked. I asked him what happened. He told me that he went for a walk to pick up some mail and got jumped by three people he used to be friends with. He got punched in the side. It hurt a little *too* much. He got an appointment with someone who could give him an MRI the next day. (Apparently a friend’s mom is a tech at an MRI clinic in town and could fit him in.) He got the results the day after that, over email. He’d had a tumor on his pancreas. It had burst. The email confirmed that he had pancreatic cancer.
He refuses to show me the email. He says that he deleted it. That he wants to ignore the cancer — pretend it doesn’t exist. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want me to tell anyone. He doesn’t want to get it treated. And I’m lost. I don’t know what to do next. I don’t know how to help him. I don’t even know whether he’s telling me the truth. I’ve held onto this knowledge for two days… and I can’t even tell anyone I know. I promised him I wouldn’t. I kind of regret that promise now.
I haven’t noticed any symptoms over the last three weeks because we work different shifts. Since he’s told me, whenever he hasn’t been at work, he’s been in bed. I don’t know whether that’s a symptom of the cancer, or of the tumor bursting, or of being punched. Can someone help me?
40 comments
Fishy:
– MRI the very next day? Hmm
– No referral or order needed?
– No X-ray/ CT Scan first?
– Emailed the results?
– deleted the email?!
– tumor burst but no surgery?
– no biopsy to confirm it’s malignant
– no stage of cancer given?
Has he lost weight?
Is it possible he just believes this to be true but has not been to a doctor?
I don’t know, but something about this story is fishy. If he had cancer like that, he would have gone quite skinny because eating isn’t easy. Did he get skinnier? And do tumors rupture on impact? They are pretty solid as far as I know. I would be suspicous about that story.
OP, based on my own trip through Cancerland, this sounds a little odd. Not sure where you are, but in the U.S., an MRI tech cannot provide you with the results of your imaging. Not under any circumstances. It has to be a doctor.
A doctor can tell the patient that they have a mass. But they can’t positively diagnose cancer without a biopsy.
I think at most, he had a MRI that revealed a mass. I doubt that he’s been diagnosed with cancer at this point.
If I were you, I’d ask for proof of what he’s telling you.
My very first thought it, doctors always do a biopsy to confirm cancer. An mri helps but they always confirm it with a biopsy
Secondly, who are these people who jumped him and is anyone going to report that to the police.
I know this is a shock but if I were you I would insist on talking to his doctor together, so you can get more information and find out what options are available and what is his prognosis. I understand he’s depressed and shocked too but it’s kind of BS to lay this on you and then say he’s going to ignore it and you have to ignore it too. Neither one of you can live with that.
I am a clinician, and this is not real. To get an MRI. The next day is unheard of, especially when he was not seen by a provider. Secondly, MRIs do not diagnose cancer. He would need to have a biopsy done for cancer to be diagnosed.
So many things about this seem hinky. I’m sorry that he’s not communicating.
Do you know the friend whose mom was able to get him an MRI without orders and without previous imaging? I would reach out to them.
He thinks he’s going to die of cancer without any palliative treatment and without anyone noticing? That’s not going to happen. Serious conversations need to take place surrounding his care.
Good luck and take good care.
On top of what everyone has said already about MRI technician not being qualified to diagnose cancer, the need for a biopsy, and the kind of weird fact that his tumor “burst” and there not being any severe side effects of this that need immediate medical attention…
…I am also a bit wary about the part of the story where he gets his results VIA EMAIL.
Pancreatic cancer is sort of… a really big deal. It’s the kind of diagnosis you really want to get from a doctor, directly, in their office, in direct dialogue, and immediate emotional/psychological support. There need to be explanations, talk of cancer stages, treatment options, prospects. The possibility to ask questions.
Everything else would be HIGHLY unprofessional and unethical and irresponsible – and not very likely.
None of this is plausible. Your boyfriend is not telling the truth. I’ve worked in healthcare for 30 years and had a family member die from pancreatic cancer. You don’t get an MRI and then an email the next day! That’s NOT how cancer is diagnosed and the news is also delivered face to face. I don’t know why your boyfriend is lying, but 100% based on what you posted here, he is. You need to press him on why he’s made up this story and don’t let him off the hook until he’s told you the truth. It’s alarming that he could create such an obvious lie and deliver the news to you in this way. Swearing you to secrecy is a common control technique for these big lies, because of course his parents are going to ask probing questions and want to meet with the oncologist.
Your boyfriend is literally lying
A friend of mine recently died of pancreatic cancer. Like other people said it takes several medical appointments and procedures to get that official diagnosis. It’s also a rapid decline. You’d notice him losing weight even with chemo or radiation this kind of cancer makes you really sick.
Even in Canada, an MRI wouldn’t be done without a doctor’s order unless he paid to have it done privately, which is expensive.
Also, an X-ray tech can’t diagnose him with pancreatic cancer. They may spot the tumour, but there would need to be further tests to confirm if the cancer has spread to other organs. This entire story sounds not believable. Is this an elaborate prank?
He is lying to you. This is not how he would have been diagnosed and his story has a lot of holes. I would sit him down and explain that you’re grateful he told you but you need to meet with his doctor so you can understand what methods of care will be needed. If he refuses tell him you will contact his parents so they are aware of the situation as they are the only ones who have legal say in his care. You understand he is scared and doesn’t want to involve anyone else but because he isn’t taking care of himself that responsibility now lies on you and his family. I bet you he will come clean if you tell others.
As a clinician, none of this adds up.
I’m sorry this has happened. I think he is either being untruthful or is misinformed, or both. Or maybe he was sent someone else’s results by mistake. Or he is withholding information about his work up or prior medical history for whatever reason such as shock, anxiety, or depression. Regardless, he needs to see a medical provider who can interpret the results for clarification and discuss a plan. Perhaps contact a family member to help.
I’m sure this is very distressing. I do not think google and guessing will be helpful to you at this time. It’s not actionable or applicable information. You need clarification and confirmation of his actual medical condition first. My best to your partner.
If this is in the USA, he is lying. you can’t diagnose cancer like that & they would never ever email you the results.
Pancreatic adenocarcinoma is usually a very late presentation with sinister symptoms and usually when the cancer is quite advanced… with no weight loss, no gallstones, no jaundice or even any symptoms preceding this it’s strange that he states he has pancreatic cancer. Maybe he was told he has a mass? Even still, in Canada to just have an MRI like this with no appointment made ahead of time is a little insane… maybe there was a miscommunication between him and the tech? If an abscess burst it would mean he needed antibiotics at the very least if not fluids or monitoring… this seems a little insane to match a pancreatic carcinoma presentation & ddx.. (med student perspective since I’ve seen quite a lot of pancreatic cancer patients)
Bullshit. He can’t just go in because a friends mom works there. Likely the story is a bunch of guys ganged up because he was flirting with a girl, his ego was bruised and he didn’t want you to know any of this, so he lied that he had cancer. Tell him that your going to break up with his lying ass until he confessed the truth
Did he cheat or is he otherwise ghosting you??
I fell and bruised my ribs recently . I had to go back to the doctor to get the x-ray results. All they told me was that it was “non-urgent”.. but I still had to get the results in person. No way he got an “oh, by the way, you have cancer” email.
Yeah, no idea what’s going on with him or why he’s lying to you, but you should find out. That’s a terrible thing to make up.
If you’re in Canada (Ontario), you can make an account and log into the patient portal at whatever hospital he went to. Imaging and reports would be available online after a few days or weeks depending on how fast they are to upload things.
IMO, if you think it’s fishy then ask to see the report. “Deleting it” is BS. The email (if real) could very well still be in his trash bin and if not it’s almost certainly available online. Though, I can say from experience that getting set up on the online portals is a PITA.
I can also share that if doctors do think it’s cancer, they can have you in, scanned and report done in a day. No doctor will say “for sure it’s x” without testing but the report can say “imaging is consistent with x”. The reports are all in medical terms though so reading them as someone who was not there to have a doctor explain is something of a research project.
YWNBTA if you told his Mum.
‘IF’ what he says is correct, he is being foolish and digging his head in the sand. If you don’t feel as though you are in a position to kick his ass and make sure he gets help, by god his mother will!!
He won’t thank you in the short run, but at least someone will push him into getting the help he needs. If it was my partner, I’d rather do something he never forgives me for and see him get help, than watch his condition worsen through his inability to face reality.
well one tell him to stop drinking alcohol period if he has pancreatic issues in general. it could just be a cyst growing on his pancreas usually from inflammation, does he have a shitty high fat diet? issues with gallbladder? stomach pains? heavy alcohol use? the doctor will find out all this
Tumor burst? And he didn’t go to hospital immediately? And he’s alive? And this was not a medical emergency you heard about? He’s drinking wine?
Honey he is lying and why I do not know.
None of this makes any sense at all and he is literally 100% for sure lying to you about at least a couple of things. Why are you okay with that?
Anytime someone says “I got jumped by 3 guys,” brace yourself for the lie of a lifetime. I’ve never heard a true story that begins this way. And it’s usually teenagers who spout off crap like this. So embarrassing that it came out the mouth of a 34 year old man. And everyone else has been pointing out all the other BS with this story.
Edit: typo
His story doesn’t seem real. I personally have known two people in my life who had pancreatic cancer, my grandma and my friend.
DR’s wouldn’t relay information like that over email. Also the health of both of them deteriorated quickly. Everyone is different, but they both did have a loss of appetite, weight-loss, itchy skin, and excruciating pain.
Keep an eye on that one.
Wouldn’t he bleed out in his abdomen if he had a rupture? I looked up medical literature and could only find 5 known cases of spontaneous pancreatic tumor rupture. 5. Maybe spontaneous doesn’t give correlate to his situation, but still, all reported sharp increasing of pain levels over short time, drop in blood pressure, nausea, vomiting, immediate surgery because of internal bleeding….
If he’s lying, he’s dealing with something else extraordinary like gambling addiction hitting bottom or something.
Is he also moving to Yemen?
Fishier than fishmongers apron on good friday
This sounds like an AI generated post generated to stimulate discussion.
does he often lie about having terminal illnesses?
Could at least have done some Google research and lied about getting biopsy. An email about an MRI? Sure Jan.
There is absolutely no way someone would ever be told they have cancer via email.
>he wants to ignore the cancer — pretend it doesn’t exist.
That will be so easy for him to do, considering it does not exist anyway.
I’d be suspicious. A tumour doesn’t just burst and he’s fine. He would be in the ER.
As someone who’s boyfriend lied about having cancer after 2.5 years also…I’d be very suspicious. In fact he didn’t tell me until I reached out to his family explained his situation and that I’d like to set up a support system that he exploded at me telling me how dare I etc then told me he doesn’t have cancer and now I’ve worried his family for no reason. Turns out he said it to distract me from the fact he’d stolen all my money and way planning to leave the country.
Called me biased but I’d be suspicious because those details absolutely do not add up.
I’m going to go ahead and shelve this in the file of Things that never happened.
Looking forward to the update on this dude’s lie
My brother has pancreatic cancer and this is 100% not a true story.
As a cancer survivor myself, this is SUPER sus!!
I would break up. Hear me out: he has an uncorroborated and unlikely story, there’s no way he found out he has cancer via email, he won’t talk about it, treat it, or let you talk about it…he’s so obviously lying it’s ridiculous. You could ask yourself why, or you could sidestep this whole pile of crazy. My guess? He cheated or did something else shady and has invented this illness to garner your sympathy.
What a crock of hooey. You don’t just go get an MRI. One has to be ordered by a physician. No insurance would pay for one without an order from a physician. The MRI clinic won’t send him the results. They send them to his doctor. The one he didn’t see. I doubt tumors rupture from getting hit in the side.