We’ve been dating for over 2 years and that entire time I’ve let me hair grow long (for me, which is very strange for me to do) because she likes it. Recently, I had surgery and felt I should shave my face. I usually have a long beard stubble, and that’s all she’s seen since she’s really known me. I was disappointed in her reaction when she saw it. She looked utterly disgusted like I’ve never seen a woman see me shaven. Her face screamed “you’re ugly”.
She insisted that she needed to see it happen and was still “afraid” of me. Later she told me “maybe you should keep it shaved for awhile so I get used to it”. I’m really confused since it’s not like I’ve ever been able to grow much of a a beard anyway. I keep it to about 7mm in length. This whole ordeal has really turned me off from her in a new way. Months prior to this I wanted to trim my hair on my head to which she had a meltdown about. I’m thinning on top and the longer it is the more noticeable it becomes. In a way I kind of just want to keep shaving so she is not “attracted” to me. I don’t look that much different! In fact, many women in my past loved the change up and the way I looked either way. She said nothing good of the sort, except I had nice skin.
Anyone deal with anything like this? I’m thinking of breaking up over this, because it just seems so petty. I’m 38 and she’s 40. She hasn’t kissed me since my surgery which was days ago. No kiss following the shave at all.
33 comments
Are you sure she’s not just in shock over the change? Some people have more difficulty with change than others. She may take a little to warm up to the new look.
Now the meltdown about the hair thing is odd. People have preferences, but being that upset about what someone chooses to do with their own looks is not okay.
before you break up with her about it, maybe try to communicate how you feel
Her reactions are a bit extreme but assuming your relationship has otherwise been good, talk to her about it and share how you’re feeling hurt instead of just dumping her. Jesus. Communicate!
I don’t think it has to do with your looks; it’s just the sudden change. I have a similar experience to you, but I 100% agreed with them for at least a week. You have to let your face get a little sunlight and give everyone a couple of days to get used to it, and you will be golden.
Hmm maybe this is tied to youth. How will she feel when you lose your hair completely and get really old? How will she feel about herself? Maybe I’m looking too far into it.
Like always, talk to her about it. Also, consider this is your perception of how she feels. When you talk about it you get to hear how she feels instead of interpreting it though a face she made.
It’s shock, but she’ll probably get used to it after some time.
Hell: After I shaved I got scared of my own reflection. I sorta had the same reaction your girlfriend did, “holy shit I’m ugly” lol That beard really makes a difference…
Talk to her though. It would be absolutely fucking ridiculous if this relationship fell apart because you shaved.. It’s an easy fix. Don’t shave.
Easiest fix to the situation is to just grow that shit back.
You should be able to do whatever you want with your body. As a woman, I have to say though, sometimes facial hair is hard to get used to when you are used to it a certain way on a person or not used to it at all. My dad always had a beard when I was a kid. Then he went to a goatee when I was a teen. Sometimes, he’d completely shave it all off. Sometimes I noticed right away, other times I didn’t notice until he told me. It’s a weird thing. I also think some guys who have really big bushy beards that cover the majority of their face look completely different when they are clean shaven.
Do what makes you happy/comfortable. If she loves you for you, then the physical appearance shouldn’t matter. If she breaks up with you over how you decide to manage your hair, then I would say you dodged a bullet right there.
Sorry you’re feeling rejected, but it can be weird to see someone change their appearance, even slightly, when you’re used to seeing them a certain way. I can give you many examples. I teach gymnastics and sometimes I don’t recognize girls outside of the gym with street clothes on and their hair down, these are girls I’ve taught for years. Just like I always feel like I look weird/ugly if I get my hair done different that I usually do. My dad shaved his mustache one time and myself, my mom, my sisters, we couldn’t look at him, he looked like a completely different person, it was a weird gut reaction. The guy I’m currently seeing, he’s self conscious about being bald, it took him about 6 months to take his hat off in front of me (we don’t have overnights if you’re wondering how that’s possible), he did look different, and it’s not in a bad way, but I kept telling him I want to get used to what he looks like without a hat.
If you tell her how you’re feeling, I’m sure she’ll reassure you again it’s just her brain trying to square away that it’s still you and you’re not ugly.
Ok, I know her reaction is really hurtful to you, and I understand that fully. But as someone who was in her position with a boyfriend once, I bet you anything she’s not reacting to some perception of decreased beauty in you— rather, she’s just in shock from the change. It sounds silly now, but I was also freaked out about my boyfriend when this happened; he just looked so much less familiar, it did trigger a feeling of discomfort instantly (which is what she might be feeling as “afraid”). I guarantee you she’s gonna acclimate and get over it very, very soon. Try not to take it personally (although I know that’s easier said than done), and just let her go through it. Before long, she’ll recognize the you in you again, and that feeling of attraction will hit her again. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.
So I once dated a man who looked very handsome with a short beard as you describe, but, much less handsome shaven. I still loved him, but, was very much more attracted to the bearded version.
To react that harshly does seem a bit shallow and maybe you are lucky to find that out now.
I swear a man shaving his beard is the equilivent to a girl removing their make up. You really don’t know what’s going under there until it comes off. It can be… a shock.
I don’t think it’s right to not change your hair just for her though, if she doesn’t accept you having different hair or no hair or whatever hair, then she isn’t the right one for you.
Lol this was an episode of Schitts Creek
I had this exact thing happen to me. She got used to my shaved face after a day or two, I grew my beard out. We never discussed it again. But I never got over it, and the relationship ended for many reasons some months later.
Just depends on how you want your relationship to run.
Some relationships will focus on independence, ignore the partner’s opinion/desire and expect the partner to adapt to whatever decisions you make. Other relationships will run via their partner’s views because keeping your partner happy is worth sacrificing the personal independence. And most relationships probably run somewhere in between.
Do whatever works for you?
I’m always disappointed when my husband shaves. It’s because it’s hard to get used to the change after being around him with a full beard. At first it feels like being married to a stranger – I know that sounds dramatic but it’s true. After a few days it grows back and it feels more like what I’m used to again.
You have the right to do what you want with your body – but I’d cut her a little grace with this and just tell her how you feel. You mentioned in an earlier comment you wouldn’t mind if she cut her hair, but what if she shaved her entire head? That’s the better equivalent.
My partner has facial hair and it’s part of what I thought was sexy about him, when he shaved the first time I felt shock as well. Totally different looking person and I wasn’t attracted to him at all. He doesn’t have the chin or jaw line to be without a beard and if we hadn’t already been together a long and time and loved each other, I don’t think I would have stayed with him because I was that turned off by it. I felt like I was kissing another person, it made me uncomfortable. He knows I hate it and he hasn’t done it since. He knows himself he doesn’t look his best without it. I use make up, he uses facial hair. The difference is that without my make up, I still look like me…
So men who have a beard for a long time look COMPLETELY different when shave. It’s like glasses, they change the shape (for lack of better words) of your face. I’ve dated a few bearded men and also hated when they shave. I don’t call them ugly tho. That’s disrespectful af. It’s really up to you what you want to do. Fortunately she’s honest so keep it unshaved for a while and see if her attraction to you dies ot she gets use to it. I would maybe have a talk about you being hurt. Sometimes we women forget men have emotions.
Iuiiku9
She’s qt the age she probably wants you to grab her and 50 shades of gray
Can’t relate bc my man knows if he cuts that pretty hair off we’re done.
I’m mostly joking.
Sounds like she hurt your feelings & made you feel insecure. Oddly, her reaction is reminiscent to that of a newborn baby, when their father finally shaves. But.. at 40.
Verbalize this to her. Communication does more than it’s given credit for, due to the cliché effect.
OR
Fight fire with fire! Act like a baby also, & let the begin bib wars begin!!
*”ROUND 2: FIGHT!”*
I prefer hair on head and a bit of a beard. I’ve told my partners to pre warn me because I don’t do well with surprises, just like your gf and my reaction may seem negative but its mainly because people do look different to how you’re expecting, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, just different.
I want you to seriously tell me you would not be having any sort of reaction to her shaving her hair off. lol.
Some of us have faces meant for beards.
I thought this was gonna be a story about some 16 yr old girlfriend, but shes 40! Which makes it even more strange.. Sounds like she has a turnon/fetish for longhaired dudes.
I have very poor facial recognition, and one of the ways I identify people is with their hair + facial hair. I find it very jarring whenever my partner has a significant hair cut or shave. It doesn’t mean I love them any less, it’s just that when I look at them I don’t see what my brain is expecting to see, and it takes me a while to get used to it. I’ve been gently chided for staring too much in the aftermath of a haircut! 😆
If your partner’s anything like me, she’s just had a bit of a shock! Especially if this is the first time you’ve shaved in 2 years together! But she’s not being petty, or judging you, or finding you less attractive, she’s just taking a bit of time to adjust to something new.
Get rid of her….
Might just take some getting used to. Like if she always had long hair and chopped it off or something
Im sorry she reacted this bad.
My Ex is a 7/10, 9/10 really styled up and a 1/10 with buzzcut and beard shaved. He knows it.
I was really suprised that taking of the beard would also take off 20yrs of age.
It is your right to be upset about her reaction, its also her right to feel less attracted to you after changing your appearance.
But doesnt sound like shes the one.
Would you feel the same about her if she had a bald head?
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but I am a female, my significant other of 13 years has only shaved like twice in 13 years…. And I never once commented on his hair on his head or face…. I even let him rock a “porn stash” for a while and a “hitler” stash…. lol I would not want him telling me to cut my hair or not.
She actually called you ugly? How does she even see your outer looks? If she were actually in love she wouldn’t even see anything of the sort.
Outer looks will change and fade
Before breaking up, talk to her. You never know, maybe it’s all in your head or you’re overthinking things.