My mom (45f) found out why I (23m) don’t date, and wants to disown me

46 comments

1. Dad broke the bro code. Lame.

2. As much as I diagree with “habitual cheating,” I do agree that you’ve made a great decision to abstain from relationships. I commend you for making a good decision to not putting any more women through that type of torment. It’s unfortunate that your mom could not realize this. I think you should prompt an open conversation with your mom to talk more in-depth about this issue. Perhaps she jumped to conclusions when your dad mentioned it out of nowhere. I would think that any rational person would agree that anyone who doubts their ability to be loyal in a relationship should not be in one until you meet a person that eliminates that doubt completely.

3. Why don’t you put the title as “My mom found out that I’m a habitual cheater and wants to disown me?” The issue isn’t about you not wanting to date, the issue is about you being a cheater.

   Perhaps your mom was cheated by someone or otherwise has strong reasons to hate cheaters. That’s why she had such a strong reaction. You removing yourself from the dating pool is irrelevant as you’re still a cheater in her eyes.

   Using a more extreme example, it’s like her finding out the reason why you no longer have pets is because you fuck dogs. But even if you stop having pets you’re still a dog fucker in her eyes.

   At least she gives you a chance to go to therapy. And it’s a healthier way to cope rather than only abstaining from dating because it doesn’t solve the root issue.

   So do tell her the reason you can’t go to therapy is due to the costs, not because you don’t think it’s needed, because she will think you’re unrepentant and it will forever damage your relationship.

4. My kids can tell me anything…. I don’t care what her past trama is she should respect the honesty.

   As a parent of 2 girls (38f) … and I have a good relationship with their father…. But I get nervous when my 12yo wants to go to the mall bc I got followed home once … I told her why- I didn’t say don’t do it or you’re not mine …

   I try really hard not to push that and a lot of other traumas on my kids …. Idc if she got cheated on- that’s your mom …. That’s a her problem not a you problem

5. If your mother is willing to disown you for this, then it’s probably best to get her out of your life. That’s a shitty thing for her to do.

   I don’t condone cheating at all, but your mother obviously doesn’t love you unconditionally, which is what every child deserves.

6. >plus I don’t really think I need it, I can and have held healthy friendships with women.

   Sure, but you are avoiding romantic relationships entirely because you are incapable of not taking out your past romantic trauma on them. That is a pretty clear sign that you do indeed need therapy, it isn’t really a solution just to avoid the problem the rest of your life. You developed a maladaptive coping mechanism, that’s precisely the sort of thing therapy can help with.

   As for your mother while I disagree with her approach I have a degree of sympathy for her, especially as the implication is that she was cheated on as well. Regardless, make clear to her that you don’t appreciate the use of coercion to promote growth but I would reflect on the reality you would benefit from therapy.

7. Was it your dad who told your mom or did you let it slip?

8. You are an AH and you don’t want to go to therapy because “I don’t really think I need it.” Really? You do need it.

   Your money issue is an excuse since you could ask your parents to pay for it. They can pay the therapist directly and you commit to going to the sessions.

   I seriously doubt you have healthy relationship with women or anyone.

9. I obviously understand not being able to afford therapy, but you say you think you don’t need it while you also don’t date because you think you will cheat again?? If you don’t even trust yourself to date, how can you not need help?
   Your mom went nuclear with her measures but learning the person that you raised is a serial cheater probably hurts like hell, even though her reaction is immature, it probably comes from a place of wanting you to be a good person.

10. Why don’t you just try get an open relationship.

11. I would high five your mom for all of that lol

12. How does it feel good to cheat on someone who has caused you no harm? Why are you punishing these women and yourself for a long ago ex’s actions? You absolutely need therapy, and you need to grow TF up. I’d be ashamed if you were my child. Do better.

13. Sounds like your mom is upset on two fronts. First, you’re a cheating POS. Second, she won’t get any grandchildren, get to do the mother of the groom thing, have a daughter in-law, etc.

    So from her perspective she’s a complete failure as a mother. She’s more worried about her feelings than you trying to adapt to who you are.

    Maybe you can explain to her that you don’t believe yourself capable of having a healthy romantic relationship. So instead of causing other people pain you’ve chosen not to date.

    But I think you made the right decision. You found something you believe you can’t change and applied a solution. I commend you for that.

    I will also point out that cheaters are like addicts. They’re always in recovery. They get the high from sneaking around and illicit sex. But eventually they come down and feel that guilt so the cycle repeats. Even cheaters that haven’t done it for years will relapse if conditions are right. So overall, you made the right call. Maybe at some future point, when you can afford it, try therapy again. You’ll always have ti have rules for yourself so you don’t relapse. But maybe as you age you’ll be able to date again. Even though men in general are walking away from dating. Maybe for different reason but at least you have a lot of company.

14. > I guess what I’m asking for is what I can say to my mom to give me another chance

    How about, “yes I will try therapy but I will need help paying for it”.

    I mean idc if you get treatment or not, I think it’s great that you’ve seen your flaw and aren’t putting anyone through that anymore, but that is a thing you can do to keep your mom happy.

15. You know that you can actually date and have relationships without being monogamous as long as you’re up front about it right?

16. Karma

17. Tell her she shouldn’t have been taking creampies at 22

18. You can and have held healthy relationships, but you’re a habitual cheater and don’t date anymore because why put more people through that mess?

    You see where this uh…..doesn’t make any damn sense?

19. Gotta love reddit, basically no room for improvement. You’ve done a terrible thing/or are a pos, then you’ll always be a pos… Reddit hates any attempts at self-improvement smh.

    Anywhos, seems like you’re doing your best to be better, good on you. As for your mother/parents, I’d say give mom some time to cool off, that was definitely not a great way to find out that her son is a “habitual cheater”, smh. Also, I assume the conversation you had with your father was to be kept between the two of you, if so then yeah he’s pretty out of line just dropping that bomb on your mother that way, unless if both of these conversations happened back to back, maybe? Regardless, it’s probably a good idea to have a conversation with your father if you ever want to be able to trust him with anything again. He might be able to talk to your mother on your behalf too, I assume the conversation with your father about this “habitual cheating” went way better and he realizes you’ve been doing the work to be a better person. Also, it’s possible that your mother is just as irritated at your father for “keeping” this info from her/telling her this in such a blunt way, she may have been taking out some anger on you that wasn’t necessarily intended for you.

    Give your mom some time to process and hopefully you both can have a less heated conversation about the topic later. It’s probably worth while having a conversation with your father in the meantime about breaching your trust, and maybe talking to your mother as I assume he knows more about the situation and the work you’ve done to be better/he really has probably already had this/these conversation with her, starting the moment the call ended.

    ​

    >plus I don’t really think I need it, I can and have held healthy friendships with women.

    Just a bit of unsolicited advice, until you can have a healthy, affair free, romantic relationship with someone, I’d say you could still use therapy. The fact that you claim you don’t need it while actively avoiding romantic relationships shows that you could still benefit. But, at the end of the day, therapy only works if you want it too, aka, mom’s “ultimatum” is pretty terrible and pointless…

20. I commend you. I found myself at the age of 22 replicating unhealthy relationship patterns (not cheating, but not good stuff) and stopped dating for the same reason, I didn’t want to hurt people anymore. Started dating again 5 years later and I haven’t repeated that pattern, and even now 30 years later I’m cured. It’s worth it, go to therapy and get it fixed. It will pay off. I’. Happily married now.

21. Have you ever thought about finding someone that may be interested in an open relationship? Like full discussion so that the relationship is 100% open from the get go? Where you can pretend to “cheat” with her knowing and is fine with it?

    Or is it something about it being secret that gets you off. Either way you still need to go to therapy for this and maybe ask your parents for help paying for it.

22. Try polyamory or open relationship

23. Since mom and dad are so vested in your dating issues, perhaps they would like to pay the cost of you doing some therapy.

24. I think this is ridiculous. You don’t need to commit, if you like multiple people. Date casually. Keep the women informed.

    I have ‘polyamorous ‘ written clearly on my insta and Facebook profile. No one gets mislead.

    People are getting therapy for this? Cos I don’t know any married guy who doesn’t at least check out other hot women. And women do it too. That’s just one step removed from actually sleeping around.

    You might have trouble if you enjoy the cheating more than the sex, though.

25. Okay, I know that Reddit likes to shit on cheaters and I normally agree, but you are pretty young. You also recognised the problem, are going to therapy and are staying away from relationships until you achieve a more stable state of mind. I think that’s admirable and I don’t think people should judge you that much for relationship mistakes before you were even 21. Your mom is making a mistake, cheating is bad, but you cheated on your high school girlfriend not your wife of 15 years, there’s a degree to faults.

26. a girl cheated on you in high school and you still haven’t gotten over it to the point you can’t be in relationships without cheating? and you don’t think you need therapy? id disown your ass too idk

27. Don’t try to get another chance from your mom. She’ll eventually get over it, and you don’t owe her anything for being yourself. Also your dads kind of an asshole for just telling your mom like that after you trusted him with that.

28. While I understand that you’re unable to afford therapy (it is expensive sometimes), I think that you do need help if you want to pursue a healthier relationship in the future.

29. Let’s see how many young ladies who think that they can cure your “habitual cheating” will dm you? And mommy problems on the side… Delicious!

30. I think what you’re doing is healthy enough to be honest. You know you’re not ready for a relationship so you stay single.

    I do think you should try to find out what makes you feel good about cheating on someone. There might be some underlying issue there that might pop up later in your life in other aspects (extreme competition in your workplace, impulsive spending). It might not happen but I find it remarkable.

    About your mother: give her some space, it might have been quite a shock for her. In the end she has no say in your affairs. But I’d talk with your father, he spilled some things he shouldn’t have.

31. I can only pray no more women get to meet you so they don’t get cheated on or lied to.

    Oh by the way, you must be the magical top 5% attractive males someone just told me since you can cheat so many lol ..

    Crazy people.. crazy world .. 🙉

32. How about telling your mother something like “I can’t afford therapy right now, that’s why I’m not dating. I won’t date until I can afford the right treatment and support to be a good boyfriend and maybe husband.”

    And maybe tell your Dad something like “I’m never going to trust you with private or personal information again. “

33. Your love life and sex life is none of her business.

    Just tell her you are going to go to therapy again (lie), and in the future just tell her you are dating, but nobody is interesting to you so it never goes far.

34. It is understandable your mom might be pissed but to disown you instead of maybe trying to help is unforgivable. Sorry you are going through this.

35. I think cheating is despicable, and needs to be addressed. Taking heroin feels good to an addict, but is not healthy and will destroy your life and others. Cheating is like that too. Once known unless you move all the time, no one of value will date you. You will have to date those no one wants.

    However, I am a mother, and I can’t understand people who disown their disturbed children with mental issues…You do have them. I am sorry she is behaving this way, I guess you have some decisions to make. I would sit down tell her, you love her and need help. She my pay for therapy.

36. Tell her you would be willing to go back to therapy but you can’t afford it so if she wants to pay for it you will go.

37. I agree with your mother in the sense that you need help so that you can have meaningful relationships and not ruin them or hurt others. However, it might help to tell your mom that you can’t afford therapy and would go if she can pay.

    I know that you don’t feel you need therapy, but you clearly still have a problem that you aren’t addressing.

    I’m sure your mother loves you still, but she’s just upset with the entire situation.

38. Your mum needs a therapist. You’re an adult. Your sex life and personal choices (you aren’t raping or killing people or abusing drugs) are not things your mother should be suggesting she will disown you for. Expressing disapproval is one thing. Trying to shame and manipulate you is another. Sounds like your mother has taken you cheating on people very personally.

39. You really should go back into therapy. You’ve put a band-aid over a bullet hole and expect to not still bleed out. It sounds like you have a bit of an addiction personality. The way you speak about cheating is how an addict describes whatever their vice is. Maybe you could talk to your mom about her paying for your therapy. Tell her the truth. You don’t want to be this way. You just literally lack the tools you need to overcome this obstacle and you need help. As it stands now you’re playing with fire in the middle of a forest during a drought.

40. I (42f) am also a habitual cheater. I realized it and ended the relationship I was in. Stayed single for 3 years. Was in a relationship for 3 years recently, didn’t cheat, but got the urge to so badly that I ended the relationship. Nobody gets hurt and I stay happy

    Edit: omg some of y’all are so butthurt over cheating you say OP doesn’t deserve happiness? Take your Bibles and pray the bad away!

41. Why don’t you just look for a nom-monogamous relationship it’s 2023 you can literally mark it on a checkbox on dating apps like you’re choosing an appetizer

42. sounds like it’s time for you to grow up and face your problems

43. You might want to take a look at polyamory.

44. My man.

    That’s kind of an extreme reaction from your mom. You’re always going to be her kid, and yes, you’re going to make mistakes – of varying sizes – but like – you’re STILL her kid. Sounds like she might have some underlying trauma relating to being cheated on in the past or something. Just understand her reaction IS extreme and whatever the reason is – it’s not on YOU.

    I would also definitely have a chat with your dad about how you told him that in confidence and that it was definitely not at all cool to just blurt it out like that.

    As for you needing therapy – you definitely **do**, my man. Forming friendships with women is one thing, but it’s nothing at all like “have romantic relationship with woman, cheat on them” – so dismissing the need of therapy for that reason is nonsensical.

    Here’s why I (and everyone else here) say you need it:

    You talk about your reasons for cheating like an addict does. It felt good, and you spent all your relationships afterwards trying it again – to chase that same feeling. That’s not at all a healthy way to feel – about anything – and is very much the language addicts use. There is therapy for sex addiction and this sounds like another facet of the same thing. At any rate – a therapist can help you sort through all that, and give you the tools to cope so that you can have a healthy *romantic* partnership without cheating on them. But it’s on YOU to put in the work to make it so.

    You’re still young, but I can tell you from experience (53m here), that being single is great in your 20s. Around 28 or so, it will start to feel less great, because you will see your friends start doing things like getting married, finding their “forever person”, starting families. With the latter, you will stop hanging out with friends who are new parents, because they literally will have nothing else to talk about outside of the baby. It’s not that they are baby-obsessed, it’s just that it’s a LOT at first and basically IS their whole life for the first few years.

    By mid to late 30s, being single just starts to feel sad and lonely. You might still be good-looking enough to hookup from time to time, but never having ANYONE around starts to get really lonely feeling. Particular when your friends have mostly moved on, settled in with their person, started a family, while you’re just over here going “oh yeah? well…I can still go out without needing a sitter!” to make yourself feel better about being lonely.

    In your 40s – it goes from sad to bleak, to basically giving up by the time you are hitting 50. You’ll be all “welp. guess that part of my life is basically over.” and that’s a shitty feeling.

    You have PLENTY of time to put in some serious therapy work, then meet your person and have a perfectly healthy relationship with them. So for real – go to therapy. As for not being able to afford it: plenty of online places offer sliding pay scales (meaning you pay according to how much your income is). If you went to college, your school may have some free options available which are still available to alumni. You can definitely afford it, it just might take a bit of work to find something you can afford.

    Good luck, my man.

45. Dude,girls do this all the time and get support from their friends and family. ‘He wasn’t right for you’ he wasn’t satisfying you’ ‘he was smothering you’ all Thant kinda shit..

    You k ow what you like and that’s great and you should keep doing it..

    Most relationships at your age are pretty casual anyway so I do t see a problem at all..

    If you really do get a kick out of cheating, then that’s who you are… build your life around you.

    Go for it.

    Just make sure that you don’t give any of these women opportunities for revenge ect..

46. Not here to judge you or shame you, or even comment on the whole cheating part.

    You confided something to your father and he threw it out like it was nothing. Many times I have confided something to my father only for him to turn around and share that info with people, even when I would expressly tell him not to. I stopped telling him things. You need to have clear boundaries with the man, and if he can’t respect them, don’t tell him things.

    Now I am a father, and I will forever be a vault for the secrets and private things my sons tell me.