Made a throwaway for this.
My partner and I are both in our mid-thirties, been together for close to decade. For the most part, we were/are happy. But right now we’re not, and I’m trying to figure out how serious this is.
If you were were ask me “do you and your partner have a happy, healthy, and functional relationship?” I’d say, “Oh, absolutely.” We’re kind of the gold standard of a healthy relationship in our friend group, everyone talks about how much they admire our dynamic.
But…I’m sad and lonely in this relationship right now. We’ve gone through a bunch of things in the last year (health issues, financial set-backs), plus, it’s not like 2020-2022 were particularly restful either. I feel like my partner is burnt-out. If he’s not at work, he buried in a youtube video or a stream or a game. I’ve tried to put a standing weekly date-night in the calendar, but after the first two dinners out, we defaulted to date-nights at home because that’s all he had energy for, and now even spending quality time together at home feels like too much effort sometimes. No matter how small the thing we’re doing is (whether it’s a quiet drink out or a nice dinner at home), he seems too drained to enjoy it.
He’ll say he *wants* to spend time with me, but when it comes to actually spending time together, he’s exhausted from work, or he’s tired because he didn’t sleep well, or he’s got something else on his mind. I get it, mid-week date nights are hard (we both work full-time), but weekends aren’t any better because we’re busy either attending social events, catching up on errands/housework, or doing other things. When I say, “let’s go out and do something”, he’ll counter “that sounds like a lot of money” or “I’m tired and just want to relax.” We have so many social nights OUT that the idea of spending a precious free night on ANOTHER event feels like too much sometimes. But when we’re both at home, we both end up gravitating to our computers. Or *he* will gravitate to his computer, and I’ll wander off to my own because I’m tired of waiting for him.
I’ve brought up multiple times “I feel like we don’t get any quality time together,” and he’ll counter with, “we spend SO much time together.” And he’s right. We both WFH multiple days a week. We eat dinner together every single night. We will often do things together on the weekends (but it’s always an Event we’ve both been invited to, not something we’ve personally decided to do together). We’re ALWAYS in eachother’s pockets. But it’s not enough for me. It doesn’t feel like it’s filling my battery. But I know that he needs lots of alone time (probably even more than he’s getting now) to fill *his* battery.
I legitimately think my partner is going through some kind of depression right now, and I’ve asked him to do something to address it. But what can I do in the meantime? I feel like I can’t ask him for more quality time because he’s just unable to give it at the moment. I feel like I can’t ask anything from him without depleting his battery, and him taking time out to fill his battery is just going to deplete mine.
It’s not like I’m incapable of occupying myself or doing my own socialising. I live a very full life outside of him. But I miss him. And I’m tired of being the only one putting energy into our relationship right now.
TL;DR: I want quality time with my partner, he is unable to give it right now. We are both burnt out. How do we both cope whilst running on empty?
4 comments
This sounds more like your mad you guys don’t go out instead of your not spending time together. Him saying that sounds expensive makes it sound like there’s some money issues as well
Sounds like you need to get out of each other’s pockets. If he’s depressed or burned out, then spending *more* time with him won’t meet your needs. And in general, there needs to be room in a relationship for the partners to miss each other. You say you * know* he needs more time alone — give him that, and see what happens. Maybe one of you goes to a co-working space more often. Spend time on the weekends separately. Go away by yourself for a few days. Join an activity or class that meets on weekday evenings.
I’d also reflect on whether you put pressure on you/him/the relationship by having this idea that you’re a “gold standard” among your friends. Feeling like you have to maintain an enviable level of functionality in your relationship may be shaping your perceptions/thoughts/actions on the situation.
It sounds counterintuitive, but if your social/general battery is higher than his right now, do you think you could opt to work in-office for a bit or go out more solo? Just to cut down on the quantity time and give him space to recharge and go through whatever emotions he needs to, and then go for the quality time you crave (and he probably craves too) instead.
I personally cannot recharge properly with another person in our space. As much as I love my fiancé, I sometimes just need to be fully alone. I’d never demand he leave or anything, but he knows me well enough to go to the gym when he catches on to my battery being fully flat, and I can’t tell you how much it helps. (Not an everyday occurrence, but there’s been periods), an empty cup simply can’t pour, and focusing on just you as an individual for a little may also help you breathe for a little instead of feeling like you’re doing all the pouring for the both of you.
He should absolutely seek out therapy, though. As what you’re describing isn’t sustainable long-term.
It seems like you know what’s wrong and how to fix it but are too concerned with your own needs to help out your partner. It sounds like he need some him time to recharge his batteries but most of his free time is being taken up by you. It sounds like you want quality time with him but are asking for quantity time with him. Give him space. Find a few weekends in the next few months where both of you are not invited to any social events or where you can decline to go as a couple and give him those days to refill those batteries by giving him alone time where he can do what he wants. In turn take that time to recharge your social batteries with friends go out and do something for yourself. If you let him recharge the way he needs to he will have more energy to give you the quality time you need. If your partner’s cup is empty it’s not the time to take but time to give.
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On another note I want to preface this next thing by saying the medium in which we are communicating in may lead to some false impressions and false assumptions on my part. But it sounds like you are recognizing that your partner is going through a mental health rough patch but are only concerned about it from the point of view that it is hindering what he can give you. “It sucks that he is depressed because I need us time”. Rather than worrying about the health and well-being of your partner. I recommend that you encourage him to go-to therapy but if you reflect on my previous statements and find that they ring true then I would recommend the you also go-to therapy.