I recently went on a date with a man and I really enjoyed it. I realized it was the first date in a long time where the talking was divided about 50/50. He asked a lot of questions, asked more when I spoke about something important to me. I felt very seen and appreciated and interesting and I left the date feeling nourished.
I’m not monogamous. I am with a partner that I have no doubt about loves me very much. He is there to support me through all the bad things, he is there immediately when I need him, he fixes my house-stuff, arranges everything for me when we’re going on a trip, wants to hold and cuddle me all the time.
However, asking questions for him doesn’t come naturally, we’ve talked about this before and he says he’s been working on it ever since he was 14, but just doesn’t seem to improve. When I tell him something about my life, he can be happy, proud of me, or hold me when I’m sad or angry. But questions are just not there.
Now I’ve noticed how it makes me feel after my last date, I am sure that being met with curiousity is important to me.
Last week, when I was telling him something important that happened to me, and nothing much was coming from him, I asked him if there was anything about this story that he was curious about and that he wanted to know more about.
A long story short; he told me that curiosity about people’s experience is not a feeling that he’s familiar with. Not with me, but also not with his friends. He just doesn’t feel it, and assumes that if there’s anything I want to share, I’ll share.
Since most dudes I meet (on romantic basis or friendly basis) seem to behave the same way, I’m now asking you guys; do you feel curious about other peoples experiences?
5 comments
No, not unless there is a specific interest we both share.
I can keep up a facade for a short while (in a business environment for example) but there are not many people I’m honestly interested in.
I am always curious about people’s experiences, but I learned early on that my questions can be invasive and promote a false sense of intimacy because I create an environment in which the person feels seen and heard for experiences they may not have had an outlet for before. Its nothing about me personally, but it definitely seems better than shouting into the void.
I find that the people who need this type of interaction have either not gone to therapy but need it, or they benefit a lot from therapy. They do not feel seen and heard in their relationships.
What I find happens though is the curiosity only goes one way, and thus I feel there is an imbalance. I know them, but they do not know me.
I’m very curious. Everyone can teach you something and if you’re good at getting them to open up it won’t be a boring drone.
I love seeing that excitement in their face when they realize someone cares about that thing they are deeply passionate about. It sparks joy for them and that sparks joy for me. Too many of us end up living quite, miserable lives because we don’t have any joy. No thanks.
I find interesting people interesting. I find the lives of the people I know interesting because I know the backstory and want them to be happy. I suspect he does as well and is trying to shut you down specifically.
But it sounds from your description that you don’t have a partner so much as a handyman who also cuddles with you. You have no doubt he loves you, but nothing about reciprocity from your end. Might he simply be mirroring a lack of buy-in?
I do and it somewhat drives me crazy when people don’t but I’ve been learning that it’s actually sort of the norm not to? I would say like 80% of people are kind of wrapped up in their own stuff and don’t really notice other people unless there is something like face tattoo level obvious going on with them. Even with stuff that drastic, people are more oblivious than I expect. Women have more socialization towards being polite and so I notice a lot of them are kind of better at faking it in social situations, but I find that that kind of genuine curiosity and ability to look deeply into people is actually pretty rare.
For me it’s something I can’t quite turn off and at times it’s made my social life confusing because a lot of people equate it with romantic interest or a deep and special connection or something and it’s just normal to me. I recently wrote about my experience with that in [another thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/Codependency/comments/166fqrc/comment/jyki0yv/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3). I also have learned through therapy that I have an extreme aversion to being “seen” myself and so I have a lot of automatic tendencies to steer people away from doing that with me. Like, even though I was lamenting the lack of it in my life, I was masterfully and reflexively doing a lot to engineer that lack. I have asked people since and found out that a lot of people find me slippery and mysterious, hard to get to know, etc. May be worth looking at if you feel a similar lack.