My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We’ve known each other since we were in elementary school, “dated” in middle school and then reconnected and got into a serious relationship a few years after graduating. Before I start, this is my first serious relationship, so if my standards are just too high and I’m being unreasonable, please put me in my place.
Things were very well when we first got together. He was very lovey, said sweet things to me, we’d go on fun dates and had no problems talking, we’d spend time at each others houses, met each others families, etc. Overall we were very happy, as most new couples are I’d assume. Not even four months in, he went on a guys trip with his friends and ignored me the entire time he was away, lied to me the whole time, and then later confessed he’d been out at strip clubs probably the entire time when I had made it clear from the beginning that that’s not something I’m comfortable with. Not long after, I found out he used onlyfans and was subscribed and buying extras from many different creators, INCLUDING a girl that he was personally friends with. Porn is okay, but I don’t feel it’s right to be paying other girls when you’re in a relationship, when you can watch anything for free online, or just come to your girlfriend.
He swore he’d delete his account and never go to a strip club again, and that he’d always be honest. I tried to move on from it because our relationship was still somewhat new and maybe my boundaries weren’t really expressed to him. Fast forward to almost a year together, I got my first apartment with my sister and he resented me for it. He didn’t want me to spend the money, he said I could’ve just moved in with his parents and said his goal was to build a house on their land. I immediately told him that I wouldn’t stop him, but that I did not want to live in his parents backyard and that it was fine if that’s what he wanted but maybe we should be with different people. He said no, it wasn’t a dealbreaker, we could get our own house, and we moved on from it.
Fast forward another year, he ended up moving in with my sister and I and we lived together for almost a year. Our relationship got pretty shitty, he expected us to follow gender roles, which in an apartment building meant his only responsibility was taking the trash out while I did literally everything else and had a meal for him on the table at the end of every workday. I told him that since I’m also working full time and we don’t own a house, the responsibilities aren’t really split equally and that I didn’t feel it was fair that I had to do everything just because I’m a woman (because I work 10 hour days 5 days a week and he usually worked the same if not less than me).
He agreed to splitting it in a way that felt fair, but didn’t really stick to it. We started fighting all the time. He’d come home and sit straight on the couch until dinner, then sit on his phone while we ate. I told him that I’d really like if we could eat without phones and just talk, but he’d normally freak out on me OR put his phone away and sit in silence. If anything ever bothered me and I tried addressing it, he freaked out,would say he was done and leave, then always came back later and I’d just have to drop it. I feel like I have no say in anything. I once showed him a cute dog, and he immediately started yelling at me and saying he made it clear that he’ll only ever have a certain breed and we won’t get any other dogs. I wasn’t even asking for the dog, I just said it was cute. I told him it feels like im not allowed to have any opinions or wants or dreams of my own, it’s all about him and what he wants and I don’t matter. He started screaming at me and telling me that I’m a bitch and all I do is bitch at him, he said no one likes me and this is why everyone hates me, he constantly tells me that he thinks I need to go out and experience other relationships because I don’t know how good I have it with him and that I’ll never find anyone better. He tells me I’m crazy and no one else would ever put up with me. Lately I’ve been catching him talking to other girls (ex, three separate times, three different girls, have been his number one Snapchat friend. When I find out and ask him to stop, he blocks them and finds a new girl. It feels so childish, but why is he snapchatting other girls so much that they’re his top friend?? While he hardly talks to me)
Typing it out, I KNOW that it’s so dumb and obviously I deserve better yet I still feel like I’m stuck and like I’ll never find anyone else. I don’t have many friends, almost all of them are HIS friends girlfriends. I don’t really meet new people at work. Before him I hadn’t dated anyone for a few years and I truly am at the point where I don’t feel like I’ll find anyone else and I just keep hoping that eventually he’ll hear me out and things will start to get better, but I know deep down that’s probably never going to happen. I want kids so bad and I’m terrified of him being a father. After a series of unfortunate events, I currently live with him, in his parents house, and I’m not on great terms with my own family. I don’t have anyone to talk to about it, I get no insight other than him telling me that my standards are too high and unrealistic and that I’m crazy and mean and start fights for no reason. I feel like I’m screwed for life whether I stay or leave, I don’t know how I’d ever trust or be comfortable with anyone else again. I wouldn’t be surprised if he already has cheated on me so I don’t understand why I still feel like I can’t leave. I don’t feel loved or respected at all, I don’t even feel LIKED. Am I really expecting too much like he says? Does it sound like I’m doing something wrong? Asking straight up because I feel like I have no perception of reality anymore and have no idea if I’m in the wrong. How do I even get out of this situation and how the heck do I move on?
TLDR; my boyfriend has treated me like shit for so long that I feel completely trapped and have no idea how to get out of this, or if I really am the one who is creating the issues between us and I need to work on improving it.
2 comments
You are staying and has no reasons to change.
You can’t get respect when you don’t respect yourself.
Why and how would you find better without breaking up and dating someone else?
Your real fear is being single or you would have left.
First of all, I want to say all your concerns are valid.
Second, I don’t understand how you went from living with your sister to living with his parents. If you can, you should probably move in with her again, even temporarily until you clear your head.
Third, and it probably goes without saying, dump this guy. When he says you can’t do any better, he’s really talking about himself. There are very few women that would put up with his crap, so he’s hoping if he puts his insecurities on you, you will lower to his level and you won’t see that you deserve so much better than him. You are only 24. I know it may seem like you’re alone, but there are ways of meeting new people: hobby classes, fitness classes, dating apps, book clubs, sites like Meetup.com….even just talking to as many people at work as possible. There really is hope out there for you.
Lastly, please learn to love yourself. Write down everything that’s great about you and remind yourself of your greatness. Once you love yourself, you’ll only accept that level of love from other people. Best of luck.