I have posted before on nofap looking for help but everyone was telling me to either get a divorce or do therapy.
I love my wife. Divorce is not an option. She is perfect in every way except this. Almost frustratingly. She is incredibly smart, successful, hard working and caring, and great wits to complement all that. Oh, and of course she is very pretty.
We went to three therapists first one told her she was pretty much wrong and had to do get a hold of herself. It felt good to be validated for the first time in 7 + yrs but also wrong to watch her be blamed for an hour straight. I thought I should somehow be partly to blame. Second couple therapist eventually kicked me out so she could do solo sessions. Third one we saw for months on end just so we could finally conceive. Ever since then, two kids later I can account for every time we had sex by the number of pregnancies. Youngest is turning one so that’s 21 months.
It feels like the only thing this 6k$ worth of therapy achieved is a better understanding of my wife as having disgust for sex in general without somehow rejecting me. She was brought up super conservative by a single mom. Only sex we had on a semi regular basis was pre marital. I’ve always had a suspicion the secrecy and forbidden nature was the aphrodisiac.
She knows about my porn consumption and has always told me on several occasions to relieve myself like that. I hate it. I hate myself. It either turned or has always been an addiction. Can’t seem to shake it off. I recently learnt the term “medicate” to describe activities or substances ppl consume to relieve pain. I’ve used video games, social media and even a side business to medicate. I would like to medicate with a healthier habit like exercise… but I feel kinda hopeless. I’ve been thinking about ways to end it all so I can put an end to the misery and pain. I’ve got over a million in life insurance that by now should cover suicide. We’ve been meaning to see a notary to get our wills in order. Only part I haven’t figured out is how to dress it effectively as an accident. I don’t want my wife to feel guilty as she knows I’m feeling pretty depressed. I’m very open to suggestions on that front. I don’t want my kids to know I quit on them. They deserve at least that.
I’m sorry to burden random internet strangers but out of shame and to protect my wife I don’t talk to anyone in our circle of friends and family.
27 comments
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There are other joys in life than sex. Focus on the kids and don’t let her raise them by herself. They need both parents even if separated.
Don’t let yourself feel invalidated. Sex is considered sacred for a reason; It is, for many people, an experience that is the best reinforcement of love between partners. Whether you’re addicted to sex has no bearing on the fact that it is valid to expect physical intimacy from someone you’re married to unless there were specific boundaries established at the beginning of a relationship (Like dating someone asexual and being like “ah, well i don’t mind that”).
You aren’t quitting on your family, you have an obligation to your own happiness as well, and you can be a father without being a husband to someone who does not want to make things work with you. No disrespect to your wife of course, but have you communicated just how important this is for you to her? I think you should, unfortunately, consider a separation and divorce, but not before at least putting the ball in her court one more time with some “I don’t think we are a fit for each other physically, and that has become an irreconcilable difference to me” before you make a massive move.
It will definitely be uncomfortable, but you probably have a good 30 or more years of life left. Don’t consider ending it, because i guarantee there is very likely a partner out there that can make you enjoy them.
How old are you?
Dude, please don’t harm yourself. You have kids and you need to be there for them. Talk to someone, please. Get a therapist for yourself. You will get through this!
Ask her for an open marriage, hell ask her to sanction a sex worker every now and then, but don’t let her denial to be the end of you. Please
I am a suicide widow (bipolar disorder) I wish he had just packed up and ran off to do some bullshit in Europe, or something, instead. I’d rather him be alive and banging a chick half our age in another city, than dead.
You sound brain washed. Mine used sex as a weapon and it’s one of the reasons we’re separated, sounds like what ever you did is a waste of money. Now why let her waste your time? Divorce is always an option or it forces you to cheat and then end up as the asshole while she sits there and controls you. SMH
Perhaps confront her with what you wrote over here? Be fully honest to each other and work together on solving your issues. In marriage one’s issue is never one’s issue alone, you’re married, so act like a team.
And if in the meantime it helps to bring in some aphrodisiacs like you mentioned, get creative and insert some play in your love life like role playing or games or challenges.
I myself have been very much inspired by marriage365, they have had a period of time where only one of them was working on the marriage, and it saved the marriage. So please do not give up.
Blessings!
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Hey man. My dad committed suicide when I was a adult. It ruined me mentally and 14 years later it isn’t any better. Do not do that to your kids. Get the divorce find. Get counseling. There is not a woman on this planet worth doing that over. If she was perfect for you she would want you physically. Both of you need help. Help yourself first. Be there for your kids. Don’t be some sort of martyr claiming you would do that for them. That’s cowardice. Step up be a man Get your power back. If divorce and sex isn’t a option talk to a lawyer Get a way to protect yourself financially and go get with someone else. Don’t be a victim.
The harsh reality is that she is sex repulsed. She sounds like an asexual (or some undiscovered sexuality) person. Sex has meaning for you it seems. It is a human need after all. Intimacy through sex seems to be a priority. This being your chosen mate, its killing you to not experience that. At face value, this looks unresolvable. Therapy takes a long time. I suggest it just for you actually. You seem to think that suicide is preferable to divorce. Why? Why is this marriage more important than your life? That is a health issue that needs to be resolved through therapy.
You’ve heard and rejected divorce. Okay, what about nonmonogamy? You need sex. She is sex repulsed. What if you ask to get sex elsewhere while maintaining the marriage? It’s a common alternative for people in relationships with asexuals.
Just think if your wife found *this* post after your passing, how would she feel then? I’d say you need to have a deeper conversation with your wife. If you’re thinking of dying because of this issue then I’m sure she’d prefer to talk it out first rather then you just doing it. It’ll be many long conversations but it’s okay youve literally got the rest of your life to do this with her!! Also all of this is great to bring up in therapy I know you have had mixed reviews but literally everyone is different there is for sure a therapist that could seriously benefit all of you in the long run for life it takes time and effort finding them ofc! Don’t die on your kids and wife without full discussion it doesn’t make sense
I’ll give you bad advice, but, have you tried having taboo srx with her? Like anal or some extreme stuff, maybe she’ll br more into it. Talk to her about this.
Also, don’t kill yourself. I don’t think this needs to be said but just in case.
I have been married for 12 years and have gone long periods of time without sex. It really sucks and it’s frustrating as hell. What i realized though is that more than missing the act of sex, it was not having intimate moments with the one woman i have dedicated my life to and kind of feeling undesired…and the truth is that porn, hookers, hook ups or whatever can’t replace that. If she thinks that the need is only physically then maybe you need to have a discussion about what sex means to you and if you can’t get on the same page then be honest with each other about what needs to happen next.
Check her hormones. A little Testosterone cream can do wonders.
At my job i saw the aftermath of a suicide. A father killed himsefl while his family was in another room. They were devastated. Absolutely devastated. It gets better. Live for your children. Get on depression meds. Live for your children at the very least.
Don’t be self loathing for watching porn, it is t great but it isn’t the end of the world. Think of how your kids really need you.
Mate you’ve described it in some comments that you think it’s an addiction but from the sounds of things this couldn’t be further from it. You NEED physical intimacy and it sounds like you haven’t had that in a very long time. This is perfectly normal and isn’t something that needs “correcting.”
I’m 33F and I crave this in my own relationship too as my love language is physical. However my fiancé sometimes cannot perform due to major trauma issues which he only recently came clean with me about. However it still tears me up too when we’ve not done it in a few months.
Even though I understand it perfectly and I don’t hold it against him it does not stop the feelings of hurt and rejection that come with having my advances denied. It has even made me feel suicidal too as you feel undesirable and unwanted by the person you love most on the planet. You start to question what’s wrong with yourself and can really start to cripple your self esteem.
The difference is in my situation my partner understands it’s a major problem for me. I have not shyed away from the fact that if things do not improve I know I deserve better and I WILL leave him. As a result he is now seeking therapy for his issues which has really started to help improve things. You need to begin to understand your own self worth in the same way. I personally have too much going for me in this life to remove myself from it and you definitely do too with your kids.
On a side note (and I really hate to ask this) but is it at all possible that there could be a past memory of sexual trauma for her that she’s not revealed to you yet? This would 100% explain her actions and she needs to seek help if this is unfortunately the case.
If this isn’t the case (and I honestly hope it’s not as no one should have to go through that) and her reasons behind it are not acceptable then you need to make it clear to her that you are no longer willing to stay in a relationship where there is no physical intimacy. Just because she doesn’t want to sleep with you doesn’t mean she gets the privilege of not letting you sleep with anyone else. You never know if you lay this down she might understand how hurt you are by this and actually start to take it seriously.
Unfortunately the bottom line is if the outcome of things do not improve or you’re continued to be met with indifference it may be time to call it quits and move on. It will hurt like hell but you will heal. You’ll never have to go through this pain again and most importantly you’ll still get to live.
Sending thoughts from someone else who understands your pain xXx
At the end of the day if you’re suicidal it’s not due to your wife not wanting sex and you need to seek help. People who are emotionally healthy don’t contemplate suicide over not having enough sex. Your suicidal thoughts are not your fault but they’re also not your wife’s fault and you’re doing a disservice to everyone in your life by blaming another person instead of taking care of your mental health. Please look for a therapist to talk to. You don’t deserve to die and your kids don’t deserve to lose their father. Your wife also doesn’t deserve to be blamed for something so serious on account of her sexual hang ups. That’s not fair and it’s not right.
My dad killed himself to give us life insurance money- how that worked out despite the usual suicide clause, I have no idea to this day.
If you REALLY love your wife and dont want to divorce, can you discuss an open marriage with strictly sex and no emotional attachment? Obviously death is not the solution here. Please find another way
> It felt good to be validated for the first time in 7 + yrs but also wrong to watch her be blamed for an hour straight. I thought I should somehow be partly to blame.
and thats why she aint attracted to you and doesn’t want to have sex with you.
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> Only sex we had on a semi regular basis was pre marital
she did a bait and switch. she gave you sex to trap you into marriage.
> I’ve always had a suspicion the secrecy and forbidden nature was the aphrodisiac.
no. she just isnt that attracted to you. you are her rich backup plan nice guy.
quit being a little biotch and tell ur wife yo if u dont want to have sex cool. lets divorce and we can go find people who DO want to have sex with.
Your wife may be “perfect” in every way but one…but it’s a big one. You know that, you wouldn’t be on the verge of suicide if it wasn’t. You are allowed to divorce her over just this, even if it feels wrong, and even if you love her. Your happiness is more important than a marriage certificate.
First of all, YOU matter.. Your life matters and being a dad to your kids MATTERS!!! so DO NOT do anything to hurt yourself or “end it”.. You need to find something to give you purpose (besides the kids at the moment)… You mentioned maybe medicating through the gym.. DO THAT! Forreal. Start putting all of your energy into the gym. It releases chemicals in your brain to help you feel good. plus, it can help build confidence in yourself…
Having no intamcy can be very lonely. It happens to all of us the first year or so having kids. I went several years with ZERO sex drive and was in mom mode only. Now me and my husband are like teenagers and can’t keep our hands off each other..
So even if you dont have sex she is not willing to have any intamcy at all??? Yiu needs to really talk to her and ask what she wants out of your relationship
Tell her you’re feeling too lonely and depressed and are not willing to live the rest of your life like this. Even if she doesn’t want sex, tell her you need some affection and to feel loved.. If she has no desire to do that, then you may have to start contemplating divorce. regardless of what you think, you do deserve to be happy. and so does she… It doesn’t make you a failure. Not all relationships work out. All you can do is know that you put your all into it.. and no matter what happens, you always be there for You kids… I grew up with divorced parents and had a great life. They were THE BEST at co parenting and getting along (atleast around me). I felt like we were one big family that just didn’t live together.. That part comes down to the two of you ,if it goes that route ..
Good luck OP. Keep your head up..
OP, you are a very blessed man with so much to live for: two beautiful children, the greatest gift a human can experience; a beautiful wife (even though she sucks at sex); you have your youth, your health, you possess a thoughtful soul; I could go on and on. As holocaust survivors would say “if you were lucky enough to live, then live!” Live for your wonderful children, live for yourself. You have landed one smart, successful, beautiful woman; you can certainly land another one (one who loves sex too!). Leave that marriage, get a new lease on life; BUT whatever you do, ABSOLUTELY PLEASE DO NOT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD betray your children, your family, your friends OR YOURSELF by committing suicide. Do not do it. You are facing a common problem that millions of other people deal with everyday. You are not alone in this.
Please reach out anytime if you ever need to talk!
Be sure the insurance pays when it’s suicide.
And don’t leave without explanation. That will load your wife and kids with a whole lot of guilt. It will definitely harm them in a way you don’t want for them.
Im sorry people are pushing you to get divorced when you are very clear it’s not an option. Have you thought about ethical non-monogamy?