Curious about men’s perspective on divorce and marriage once he’s been through it. Keep it as short or as long as you want, but I’d like to know why you think your marriage ended.
Edit/Update: Wow. I am astounded at the traction this post has gotten. 186 comments in 3 hours. I’m even more astounded at some of these stories! Some have made me look at myself and my own tendencies and some have made me think therapy and potentially a psychiatrist visit would be a good idea for me. Thank you all so much for being so open. I hope it’s a helpful experience being able to relate to one another, but I know it’s at the very least extremely eye opening for me. Much love to you all.
47 comments
First marriage, she was 19 and I was 22. We were too young to know what we wanted out of life yet and after almost 10 years and two kids, realized we weren’t compatible. Kids are grown, she’s been remarried for 20+ years and we’re all great friends.
Second wife basically boils down to economics. She wanted a rich guy and my business collapsed in 07 and she left. Rumor is that she found a new rich guy and is happily remarried.
I caught her cheating while I was shopping for vacation packages to Bali to celebrate our upcoming 25 wedding anniversary. Needless to say I saved some money on the trip, but had to sell a farm and trucking company fireing 16 good men to get rid of her.
I made a bad decision regarding who I chose to marry.
My ex wife kept beating and trying to manipulate me then going fucking other men. This is my second marriage with the same outcome so I’m doing some soul searching before round 3, except this time I’m not getting married again
Ex wanted me to be a person I was not. Rejected me when I became that person.
She cheated. But our marriage sucked anyway. I’m glad she snapped us out of it somehow. Or I’d still be swimming through life in a depressed fog.
It’s been one year since the split. Things suck at first, but I am much happier now and feel like the affair was a gift.
*Nothing good gets away* – Steinbeck
My ex had a borderline personality disorder and over the years she became nastier and more abusive.
Combining both of our issues wasn’t a panacea for either of our issues. Also, me being so terrified of loss that I became a controlling asshole was a long run around to loss anyway.
My grandparents married in the 1950s because my grandmother was catholic and couldn’t have sex without being married. After 40 years of being miserable together my grandfather left and remarried. She never did though.
Had kid, thought I loved her, had two more, she cheated but in reality I nagged her and pushed her away. In hindsight the divorce was for the best.
Met an amazing women, never planned to marry but it felt right. We were together 7 years, married two. She walked out. I still miss her everyday and I post about her a lot on Reddit. She was my person, I just wasn’t hers.
Almost two years after she walked out and now just two months into a non-exclusive relationship but progresing well. I don’t think I’ll ever marry again unless it’s in old age. I will always miss my second wife but doesn’t mean I can’t find someone to love and be happy with.
Unfortunately my ex-wife and the mother of my two kids had a gambling habit of that she wouldn’t get help for. After numerous times of putting up in debt, the last time being for 40k, and her still refusing to get help, I left.
To this day she’s still a gambler and it’s part of the reason my kids don’t want much to do with her.
I became an short tempered asshole workaholic who failed to be a proper husband. That created a woman who resented me for having her carry the burden of raising kids and working.
tldr/Final straw: She hit me in front of our son and I almost hit her back. That was the moment I realized that we were done and began the divorce process the next day.
There was a lot to build up to that point though. We were both young and I’m sure at least half the blame is mine, but what led to this point for me was:
* Intense insecurity when I had done nothing to deserve it (cheating accusations, needing to have my all my passwords, checking bank statements, etc)
* Lack of appreciation for the things I did for us/her
* Frequently complaining (about problems I would’ve loved to have) and refusing to do anything about it. Eg not having a job, not being in school, not having any friends – things I actively encouraged but she didn’t want to actually put effort into.
* No hobbies; had to be around me 24/7
* and if you couldn’t tell already, domestic violence.
There was a long time afterwards where I intensely anti-marriage after being hurt so badly from the divorce, but I’ve softened since.
It’s a rare relationship where a couple matches perfectly. Most relationships are a work in progress with compromises, sacrifices, and sometimes you’re just not going to be happy with decisions that are made – but that’s sort of life in general.
First marriage ended after 20 years because of a lot of stress – financial, relationship, and dealing w/handicap child. She was getting bad advice from a person she now will no longer talk to. I tried to appease her, knowing divorce would be devastating. But I learned that if someone makes up their mind to leave, no amount of counseling, negotiating, compromise, tears, anger, prayer – nothing can really stop them.
I am now in year 8 of my 2nd marriage and much more happy.
But even in this 2nd marriage there’s a certain amount of disagreement that takes patience and compromise to get thru. Neither one of us (me and 2nd wife) want to go thru another divorce, so we’re committed to finding a way forward no matter what. And it does work – it’s just not the “happily every after” that we all seem to think is out there.
Married the wrong person for the wrong reasons at too young of an age.
Going through it now. We just drifted so far apart as people to where we weren’t even friends, and were just roommates who didn’t like being around each other, ever. The garden never got watered and nothing is left to work on.
All we have in common is sharing custody of a kid bit we’re doing it amicably so it’ll be fine eventually
Soon to be ex was ‘getting bored’. I work a 3 on 3 off shift. I was accused of never wanting to do anything on days off. Well, on days off I’d have to do all the errands and groceries. Her anxiety was too high to even attempt any of it. She’d have mild panic attacks even if she came with me. Not sure, but I think she does that stuff for herself now? Doesn’t interest me in the least to ask. She also refused to that the amount of weed she smoked as an abuse problem. It supposedly ‘helped’ with her anxiety, and made her aches and pains go away. Fair enough, it does help with the last part. But anyone who spent more time drunk than sober would be considered to have a substance abuse problem. She refused to see it that way. I confronted her about driving while high, that was the last straw that made her blow her top and leave.
Hmmmm so my ex and I had either a great relationship or a I’m gonna throw you infront of a bus relationship. When it was good it was amazing but when it was bad it was god awful. I had 2 moments that basically made me call it quits. The first was she said and did some nasty things to my mom. She called her some names and then told her (without my knowledge) that her and my dad weren’t welcome at our house unless I was there. Now mind you her mom was someone who basically we had to pay her bills because she was irresponsible with money. 2nd was I had worked my $$$ off to get us to be debt free, left town for a week and she racked up over $5k in credit card transactions just buying clothes. I knew then we were never gonna get ahead and there was no way we could start a family and her continue to spend like she did.
My ex became an alcoholic & addicted to depression meds.
Cost 250,000 in assets to get rid of her 4 years ago, after being married 23 years…
Worth every penny.
Never again.
People are sometimes greedy and self centered. Our society treats ambition like it’s a good thing. This combination fosters some toxic attitudes.
I gave her a daughter, so my principal task in the family was fulfilled. After that, I was the landscaper and paycheck. No, she really said that she was with me because of my paycheck. Things fell apart soon after.
I didn’t have drama, just a marriage that became a pair of unhappy people stuck together through shared history. We cared, but distantly and we were tired unto death of the relentless trudge. 25 years and 4 kids and we tried hard. So we shared a divorce coach which cost us a couple of grand total including all the paperwork fees, and separated, then divorced. The loneliness didn’t kick in for 3 or 4 months because I was so numb, then it sucked for a year of living in my parents attic after it all settled out, then an angel kissed me on both cheeks and I’ve been with my current partner for the last 18 years.
Really it was because I obstinately didn’t listen to her. She told me directly in very specific words several times that she didn’t want to get married, and she would ruin my life if we stayed together in any kind of relationship.
I was 20 years old when we met (she was the first girl I dated) and I really thought she just needed patience, kindness, and love. The unending physical, sexual, emotional, and physical abuse she had had as a child and young adult was much too serious though.
She cheated on me with men and women, left me abruptly to be with her girlfriend the week they met, and teased me for a few years about she and I getting back together as I had “loved her like no one else ever had”. It was a huge mess.
I’m 51 now and have a great girlfriend but after 2 divorces and 2 broken engagements I don’t plan on marrying again. I don’t know how to tell who the other person will become, or really is, or something.
Sadly, about 15 years after we split for good my ex-wife took a couple handfuls of pills and didn’t wake up. May she rest in peace. This world was not kind to her.
You know, I gotta think the guys whose fault it was aren’t going to be responding to this one.
Was married 20 years. Happy the first ten. Stayed together for the kids the second ten. I left when I realized that my kids would soon be gone and it would be just me and her. I didn’t want that…
They transitioned gender outside of my capacity for romantic love. It sucks, but honestly there’s no one to blame and I support thier transition
She was(is) a toxic narcissist. A few years ago, she ended up homeless and not one of her four kids would let her spend a night in their home.
It’s never one thing. It’s always a million things a lot of people don’t want to talk about.
For me, my ex was unhappy with everything in our lives, and because she was unhappy, she made it impossible to be happy around her. I was fucking miserable.
She cheated on me once. At least, that’s what I could get from the conversation as she never admitted any wrongdoing. I think she didn’t contradict my statement when I said “You cheated, didn’t you?” to get me to divorce her. She just threw her phone against the wall and cried as acknowledgement. I told her I wanted to work it out.
Not too long after this episode, she just came up and said she wanted a divorce. I took two seconds and then casually said, “Okay.” She was shocked that I wasn’t emotional at all. The next day she said “You’re letting me go too easy.” To which I responded, “Am I?”
She’s someone else’s problem now. My big problem is that I have really been enjoying the peace and tranquility of the solitude that has lasted 16 years. I really don’t think I’ll go back to wanting a relationship like that.
I only married once, but that was enough to know that I don’t ever want to do that again.
Because I was a piece of shit and didn’t work on myself. I am now, but too little too late
We basically steadily grew apart year after year. As we never had kids or shared assets like buying a house or apartment together, it easy in the end to split and our divorce was amicable. We remain friends today but don’t interact very often. Still stay in touch though.
My ex fucked my brother. Too short?
I was immature
She cheated, while I was tearing apart our deck to build a new one and we had a two year old..
First divorce was from a wife who thought her drug use and friend group was more important. She was violent and may have cheated but I didn’t hang around to find out. Grabbed my clothes and left after a fight. She divorced me. Second divorce I was treated like I didn’t matter but she wanted her childish ways. Huge fight and I was removed from the home. She divorced me. We’ve been living together 21 years after one year apart. Some days I want to pack and leave but most days I’m grateful and love her without measure. No fights just disagreements but we work it out. Can’t say it’s perfect but very good daily.
Shocked but not shocked looking how many comments points towards cheating.. Damn harsh world we living in.
Filed for divorce 3 months after I got married. Left for a 4 day business trip and came back to a note from my daughter asking me to check the nanny cams.
The woman who was sweet and doting on my daughter for 2 years turned on her after I left. She started with verbal abuse but didn’t stop. It was the most heartbreaking thing to watch.
I kicked her out of the house that night. I called a doctor and counselor for my daughter. I called an attorney first thing Monday.
I had a prenuptial and she had the gaul to ask for the stipulated pay out. I told her attorney I have evidence of the accused abuse. She dropped it and signed the mutual dissolution.
I still sent the evidence to the police and pressed charges.
She lied to me about having kids. She said she wanted them but behind the scenes did everything to not have kids. She told everyone that I didn’t want kids so they wouldn’t bring it up. After 15 years of marriage the truth came out and after that I filed for divorce. There is more but I don’t want to write a novel.
She wanted to live a life that i had already grown past. Thought we both had. So she left me for, to quote her mom, “someone that looks an awful lot like you, that’ll stick garbage up his nose with her.”
The relationship was a toxic garbage fire from start to finish. We were terrible for each other. But it was one of those “the chemistry is so strong it must be something real” situations. In 4 years together, we very literally never went more than 16 hours between sexual intimacy. But I’ve also never fought with a partner even marginally how her and I would.
We got married too young. I was not a good husband and she was not a good wife. She is remarried and I am not. I never want to be that person again so I avoid relationships.
She slept with my friend. I suggested marriage counseling, she left me for him. Said I wouldn’t get over it a month after it happened. I’ll admit I was emotional still, but I’m over it and over her. I deserve better, so I’ll find better.
We just weren’t nice to each other.
Caught her cheating with her boss, worst part was she was taking our 1 year old over to his house. Like an idiot I tried counseling and wasted several thousand dollars which to me at the time was a massive amount of money.
I gave up on her but her new boyfriend wouldn’t let her move in and she would have been homeless. Slept in the same bed as her on the nights she was home with our son. The other nights she would be at her boyfriend’s house as I took care of my boy. Eventually she moved out and took my tools and all sorts of things that she wouldn’t even use and probably just sold. I was left with my computer, my clothes and my bed which was nice because I hurt my back at work a few years before and at the age of 22 was considered by the state of California to be permanently 20% disabled.
We split our son as evenly as possible. I would get him Sunday through Wednesday and she would have him the rest of the time.
Fast forwards 6 years, I have a new wife who is much more compatible. We have a new 8 month old son. I’m finally happy after quite a few rough years.
Then she tries to take my son and move to Michigan which is where she is from. Claims that she wants to move back because she wants to go to school for free there. We go to court. I get him for the school year she gets him for the summers. I actually gave her more time than what the court was going to because I think it’s important he knows his mother as well as myself.
This was all decided a week before the end of school. He ends up trekking across the country to Michigan in her car and she lied about where she was moving which was with her mother and moves my son into a house with her first husband (I was the second) my son has never met this man before. I didn’t know that she moved in with him until a few days before my son came home, and at 7 years old has to fly home by himself (they have a flight attendant go with him for those who are unfamiliar with which I was)
Now he’s home and happy and I couldn’t imagine what he’s going through at this point but I’m being as patient as I can. He just turned 8 yesterday and loves his new little brother. We are happy and he is healthy.
Sorry for the long post I started and didn’t even realize all that I’ve been through. Thanks for those who read it all.
I(M44) got divorced 4 years ago.
After our second child(born in ’13), we became more and more like coworkers in our lives, than lovers, and slowly drifted apart. 2 years before the divorce my son(born ’10), got leukemia, and this was the last straw. We stayed together a couple of years while he got treated for it.
My ex-wife began an emotional relationship with one of her friends, and I started drinkink a bit too much.
I got an apartement and got my shit together to become the best possible father, and now I have a girlfriend who’s amazing, sexy and smart. My ex is together with the friends she had the emotional relationship with.
English obviousely not first language
My ex always had a plan to marry someone with a good income, who would make a good father and bail once the youngest kid was school age.
She told me this plan the day she left me. I told the family court judge.
I became an alcoholic and drank my marriage away.
She was cheating. The guy she was cheating with killed her in a domestic violence incident. I wish I was kidding. Brutal stuff.
She fooled me. Everything about her was a lie from the moment we met. She tried to be something she wasn’t. She pretended to be the person she thought I wanted. She even lied about taking birth control, got pregnant, then just decided to stop pretending.
I discounted her behavior to hormonal changes due to pregnancy and married her anyway.
She got worse. I got worse. We got worse. She cheated. At this point, I was grateful to have an excuse. We were together for 3 years and married less than a year.
She has since been diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder. She’s still a mess.
I caught lightning in a bottle with my 2nd marriage. I’ve been married to an angel for 18 years.