I had this friend for a decade but it seemed as if it was one sided. Me making plans, messaging first, and her only texting me when she needed a ride. When I was possibly the lowest in my life I messaged her about how I was hurting and she would respond with one sentence. Then I stopped messaging her and now we are no longer friends. She post about how she never lost a good friend and throws shade online. I regret not messaging first. I feel maybe I’m supposed to be the one always communicating. I just wish she would’ve asked how I was doing since I was dealing with so much and I’ve been there in her lowest. I feel it was one sided.
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It’s not your fault. It never feels good to always be the one to message first, I hate being friends with someone who never messages first. It’s even worse if you’re always the one making plans, always the one there for them and when you need them they respond like they don’t care, they only message if they want something, etc. You put effort into your friendship and she did not return that effort, she’s at fault. I would recommend communicating how you feel if something like this happens with anyone in the future, their reaction to it will tell you everything you need to know. I don’t blame you for not doing this here because you were being treated unfairly, but it’s still a good thing to try. Also vague posting about someone is super petty and is a clear indicator for the type of person someone is, you’ll make better friends
Honestly I feel like when it comes to relationships, whether platonic or romantic, both sides should be putting in the same amount of energy. The relationship shouldn’t be one sided, where one person is always the one calling or always the one making plans or is always the one who text firsts.
I feel like if this friend genuinely cares about your relationship they would make the effort to at least text or call every now and then.
Their response to you not messaging them first is the only sign you need to see that she is not worthy of being your friend.
You deserve better
Doesn’t sound like a friend to me…friends care
Having one good friend is more than enough. It’s better than having 100 fake ones. Lost a ” best friend” but he never really messaged me, just spoke to me for help that’s it.
If your friend cared enough, she would have gone to you and asked you. It doesn’t matter if they don’t want to. Communication goes both ways. Posting online and complaining about it doesn’t solve her problem. If you brought it up to her about it and she hasn’t changed how she treats you, then find someone who does value you.
A friend hits you up to hang out. Talks to you about life. Not just a ride. You’re not an Uber driver(unless you are lol)
Communication goes a long way.
She doesn’t miss you. She misses using you. You reaching out first gave her a chance to use you.
I’m proud of you for blocking her. People like this are parasitical.
You better have communicated your feeling to her before just deciding to stop reaching out. If not, this is your fault. You set a pattern with someone. You didn’t like the pattern. And instead of communicating like freinds should that you needed a new pattern, you unilaterally decided to change the pattern. Hopefully this isn’t the case and you were clear with her about your needs prior.
I don’t know I’m sorry that happened I had a friend once like that she left because I guess I didn’t know how to communicate so she found other friends so it’s okay find new friends and share your hobbies with your new friends ok
It’s good you stopped reaching out first. That’s not a healthy relationship dynamic and it sounds like it was really weighing on you during an already difficult time. I saw in another comment that you said a second friend is nagging you about this. If the second friend isn’t the one you’ve known for a decade, then you don’t owe them an explanation beyond what you’ve already told them. However, if this is still bothering you, it’s fair to reach out again to the friend you have known for a decade to see if you can talk it out. You can explain how them not messaging first, just contacting you for rides, and sending short replies to long messages made you feel like you don’t care about them. I know you said you said something like this, but i think it’s important to actually say the reason why so the person can change behavior. You can tell them that you don’t think you can keep being friends if they don’t text first occasionally and reply with more conversation. You can ask them how they feel.
There may be a reason why your friend doesnt message first. There may be some room to compromise. But either way, it’s okay for you to set boundaries for how you are treated. It’s helpful to express those boundaries so someone else can decide whether they want to make the effort or not. If they don’t make effort, that’s fine, you know where you both stand at that point and you don’t need to keep reaching out to them.
During this challenging time, prioritize self-care. Reach out to other friends and loved ones who are supportive and caring. Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you heal.
This person is NOT your friend. You did not lose a friend, you lost a user, who is now using this scenario to guilt trip you and to gain attention for themself. Please forget them and make some new friends. I once had a friend come and stay at my house after being kicked out by her husband because she cheated on him. Fast forward 1.5 years later and I reach out to hang out with her and she texts me that she doesn’t want to be friends again after 6 years of friendship. So yes, you can be there for someone at their lowest – in no way does this mean they will be there for you.
move on and find better friends. was talking to a girl I was interested in a while back who said she sucks at messaging first. we would talk everyday for 2 months and I got tired of being the only one trying. went a week without messaging her first and that whole week never got a message from her and she ended up blocking me. there are better people out there for you
Although it doesn’t make it right, some people view friendships as the other person initiating everything while they do nothing.
And some people view friends as people they can get things from when it’s convenient for them.
It’s really a matter of them lacking empathy and social skills.
You have nothing to feel guilty about; it’s not your responsibility to accommodate that, and you deserve people who match your energy.
Going through something similar. We have the same birthday and I realized this year in 15 years of friendship she’s never planned anything for my birthday. Ever. It’s always been me celebrating her. It hit me like a ton of bricks and idk, I’ll never feel the same way about our friendship. I’m over it. 🤷🏻♀️ It hurts, but hang in there. You’ll find someone that matches your energy and considers you. ❤️ You deserve it.
Alternate title: “developed further respect for self”
It’s always heartbreaking losing a friend even when they didn’t treat you right or gave to you how you gave to them. This friendship was always going to stay one-sided and at some point without her reciprocating at all you would get sick of always carrying the weight…one-sided friendships inevitably always have to end one way or another. So at least you’re dealing through the heart break now vs later down the road. 💔
look, regarless of the motives, there’s always someone that’s gonna see you as the villain or the buffoon in their life, somtimes the simplests solutions, like just walking away, are the best. not everyone deserves your time, care and attention, give it to those are worthwhile in your life. invest the energy in crossing path with new ones, you’ll just might find somone going in the same direction as you, and that’s all it takes. now go and be free.
You have to stop hanging out with people who don’t like you. If they never reach out, and then don’t reach out when you stop reaching out, then start taking shit about you passive aggressively online, they don’t like you. You’ll be so much happier even if you feel sadder in the short to medium term if you stop hanging out with people who don’t like you
I’ve lost my friends too due to my life problems. It’s okay to lose them in hopes of reuniting in the future. Do what you feel is best.
Let me gather myself real quick, because I was in this kind of situation not exactly but almost.
He always messaged first but I am not a texter plus I was going through things and I tried explaining that, I would even cook breakfast and take it to him on the tractor and ride with him to show my feelings (in place of the texting).
But if she only responded in one sentences and asking for rides (which I always insisted on us taking my ride with him driving, again another way to try to show interest) then babe she was never really interested in you.
And I know this may hurt you reading this but you have all the proof you need because you stopped messaging first and now you are no longer friends. My exception is I know I have lost a great friend but if she is throwing shade and acting like she never had a great friend then as Madea says “Let them Go” Just let them go. They were only there for a season. And I know that may feel hard but you will get through it.
Madea “Some people are like leaves on a tree and only there for a season, some are like branches but don’t be fooled because they will leave you hanging, Baby find you some roots because those are the ones that will be there for the long haul.”
I understand and it is hard to process figuring out which is which because we tend to love the leaves and stick to the branches and toss the roots. Just learn to discern between the three.
I think it’s better to be alone than to have a one-sided friendship. And there’s so many other people out in the world that might be better suited for your friendship needs :3 Best of luck on your new journey!
I have friends who have much busier schedules than me so I let them initiate whenever they’re free. But in your case I would say that’s not the case and it does seem one sided.
you need better friends. friendships arent meant to be one sided.
I don’t see much point in continuing a friendship with someone who shit-talks you online, when all you did was stopped calling them.
So two things.
1. You didn’t lose a friend, you lost a remora.
2. When I was in my early 20s, I had an issue of lack of friends. I never had many friends, so I had always felt pretty loyal to the ones I had, and at this point I only had 2 that still lived around me and I made a ton of effort to keep the friendship afloat. This meant I was basically doing everything.
Finally one day I decided I’d had enough. We were playing TTRPG’s together so while starting a new one I decided it was the perfect time to break lose. I sent a pdf copy of the rules to them and a message basically saying “here’s the rules, here’s the premise, let me know when characters are done so we can start playing, or let me know if you want any clarification since this is the first time with this system for all of us”, and I made no further effort to reach out. That was the last I heard from them for almost a year until another friend from way back was in town.
We got together, had a good time, and on the way back I was driving one of these two friends home and he remarked on how long it’d been. I basically said what I was feeling “well that’s because you never reached out when it was up to you”, his response will always stick with me, “oh………….. Well you could have reached out”.
And that was it, friendship over, I realized right then and there that they’d never step up to make the effort and it would have always been up to me to do all the work if I wanted to keep the friendship together. And I wasn’t ok with that.
It sucks losing friends, but a friend who won’t bother to make any effort isn’t a friend. You can find other friends. They probably won’t.
I had a so-called friend stop talking to me after I mentioned to them that they totally disappeared over the summer and forgot about me. This is a person who came as a refugee and I assisted them with their English and helping them navigate school. I was devastated. It took me years to figure out why. After seeing her use men and discarding people, it all made sense -narcissist.
I find it hard to believe she cared for you with basic responses when you’re the lowest you’ve ever been in your life.
It isn’t your fault, I’ve been in the same situation. Any relationship be it friendship or romantic should never be one sided and if the person in question truly misses you or what’s to do stuff that they enjoy, they would ask.
Don’t overthink it, if they care they will find a way to show it and if they don’t, well it’s clear where their priorities are.
She used you and did the bare minimum to continue to be able to use you.
Someone who is a real friend will go out of their way to message you and out of their way – barring work, sleep, important functions, prior hard commitments – to make time for you. Especially texts, which is as low effort as it comes.
If you’re always the one initiating in a friendship, that is an orange flag.
It was one sided. She wasn’t a good friend to you.
This has been every single friendship I have ever had