My fiancé and I have been together for 8 years. We recently got engaged this past January. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone, but there is something he does that is causing a strain on the relationship. He doesn’t use his own brain. By this I mean, he needs guidance through things as if he is a child. For instance, he cannot microwave his own food without asking me how long he should microwave it for. He can’t be sent to the grocery store with a list unless I send him pictures of the actual product. He doesn’t know how to properly clean anything unless I walk him through it, despite having shown him how to for the past eight years. He asks redundant questions. For instance, today I said “would you like to watch The Little Mermaid? It finally got uploaded to Disney+” and he says sure. I’ve been talking about going to see The Little Mermaid for a while but was never able to go see it in theaters. He knew how badly I wanted to see it. So he goes onto Disney+ and searches the movie. Obviously, the new live action one pops up as well as the animated one from the 90s. He asks “which one is it?”. I look at him and say “which one do you think it is?” He says “i don’t know.” I say “well let’s use our brain. One is animated and from 1998. The other is a live action and from this year. I’ve only been talking about wanting to watch one of these two for the past few months. As well as the fact that the entire rest of the world has only been talking about one of these as well. Using that information, which one do you think I could possibly be referring to?” To which he said that I treat him like a kid. I just feel like this man never uses his brain for anything. It would be ok if this was an occasional occurrence but things like this happen multiple times during every conversation I have with him. It’s exhausting. Is there anything I can do to get him to use his brain? Also, we’ve had multiple conversations about this and my feelings on it, and he never seems to be receptive or consider how exhausting it is to constantly have to think for someone else.
TLDR: my fiancé constantly needs me to think for him and I’m tired of it.
43 comments
This is called weaponized incompetence, and it would be a dealbreaker for many people. I’d sit down one more time and have a conversation about how you’re feeling and how exhausting it is to have to do all of this like he is a very young child and you are his parent.
Don’t marry him if this isn’t fixed. Marriage isn’t going to make this better.
So why are you with him.
This is not one little thing, this is a man who has chosen you as a surrogate mommy that he can fuck. If you’re cool with that, mazel tov! If not, he isn’t going to change. It’s been 8 years, and it will be far too easy to go back to mommy until he finds another woman who isn’t over that shit yet. Do with that what you will.
I am not sure how you are tolerating this. He asks to not be treated like a kid, but can’t perform simple tasks independently. Does he have a job? If you start a family, is he going to ask you how to change a diaper or how to fill a bottle?
Dealing with the same thing right now, only I can’t really leave. I’m going through a workers comp case, I have a back injury which prevents me from doing basically anything. If I could work or clean for myself, I’d be single. I have to completely raise hell just for him to wash the dishes. I think my situation is the only reason I’m being treated like this actually. When I get my settlement, I’m done. I hope that you’ll leave sooner than later, I’m only a year and a half in and I don’t see a future.
Maybe he needs to see the wizard.
It sounds like he’s having trouble with executive functioning. A social worker might have some tips on handling this.
You don’t have to marry the person you started to date in high school
sunk-cost fallacy
noun
the phenomenon whereby a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial.
He doesn’t sound like someone you could depend on when the zombie apocalypse comes.
So he’s offloaded responsibility for all of the emotional labour in the relationship onto you. Sounds frustrating. People forget that planning and making decisions is still labour, and if he’s not doing his fair share then that additional labour falls to you.
I can only suggest splitting up your responsibilities for tasks, and making clear that his responsibilities include decision making for the tasks, not just physically carrying them out.
Is this what you want the rest of your life to look like? Because you’re getting a very clear view for the last 8 years. It isn’t going to change, this is who he is.
You’d be making a mistake to marry someone like this.
Posters in this sub: lol my fiancé is completely incompetent or at least refuses to act like he is 😛 so quirky
Commenters: he’s a POS why are you with him
Posters: 😮
Okay, I definitely understand your situation. I get how that can be frustrating. Is he doing it on purpose so that you will do things for him? If he’s so bad at washing dishes, for example, he will have you show him how to do it right. Well, if he never does it right, then you’ll eventually say, “never mind, let me do it.” And then it will be that way forever. Is this case, or is truly just lacking common sense?
You guys have been together for a long time. Is this how you see your future? Is this fixable? If he never changes, can you live your life like that? And so, what if you have kids? If he can never feed right, or change diapers right, or forgets how to make breakfast, you will have to be in charge of EVERYTHING. Something to think about.
As a side note, in his defense, if you said that to me (what you said about the movie), I’d be pretty upset at you, too. I think there are more tactful ways to get your point across without being condescending.
When you get pregnant you will have to tell him how to change diapers, burp, hold a baby, feed it, …you will burn out so fast
You’ve been doing this for 8 years. Why is a problem now?
Fun fact, the animated film is from 1989. Not the 90s. I stopped reading after that
Seems like Little Mermaid set you off more than anything else but I’ll stay clear of this one. This is the biggest non-issue on the long list of issues.
Why the fuck do you go along with sending him pictures of products? He gets a list and that’s it. He doesn’t know how to microwave his food? “Read the package, honey, I don’t know either”. He doesn’t know how to clean? “Look it up on You Tube, babe, I already showed you”.
That’s it. Stop enabling his bullshit. Don’t take the mental load from him. I absolutely wouldn’t marry anyone who can’t function on their own. If you do marry him before this is solved, don’t be surprised that it’s get worse the day you tie the knot.
Look up the term “weaponized incompetence”. He’s a textbook case. Tell him you aren’t trying to take care of a child, and he needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself or you’re leaving.
It sounds like he takes your medical problems more seriously than you take his. You sound very entitled to me.
Idk if it’s just me but this sounds to me like you talk down to him. Perhaps he sees you as extremely picky, irritable, intolerant etc and treads carefully because you verbally assault him?
I’m not defending his stupidity, but you come across as a major ass to me if I’m being honest
You don’t have to stay with the same guy you were with in highschool. It’s completely acceptable to end the relationship. It sounds like you’ve outgrown him. It’s not going to get any better if it’s still the same way after 8 years, and it doesn’t sound like he wants to do any better. I’m in my 30s and can’t imagine still being with the idiots I dated when I was a teenager. I know you’re engaged but that’s not married, get out while you can in a relatively easy way. It will be harder after marriage and children.
Reading OPs comments really changes the dynamic of their relationship a lot. She’s disabled, he’s the sole provider and one of her 2 primary caretakers. I don’t know what exactly that entails but that’s a significant contribution and a lot of responsibility. Seems like telling him how long to microwave things is a decent trade off.
Plus she states he partially does it to avoid upsetting her when he makes a wrong choice. Could be manipulative on his part, sure, but her comment where she says she tries not get mad but instead is super condescending and then walks away – not as good a look as she thinks it is.
My fiancé used to have these sort of issues and he saw the strain it put on me and felt bad/guilty that he just couldn’t seem to function properly. After a good chat about mental load etc. he made the decision to see a psychologist about the issue.
There was a bit of a wait but after a few months, he was able to see someone who diagnosed him with executive dysfunction stemming from anxiety and depression. He did several months of CBT, and we had an hour long debrief after each session. This pretty much fixed the issue entirely. He still has his moments but when he does, he knows to slow down and think things through before acting or asking me something he should already know.
This process also helped *me* a lot because my negative reactions to his difficulties wasn’t helping him, it just made things worse. It was important for me to understand that he wasn’t behaving that way on purpose and getting upset with him wasn’t going to fix anything. When he asks me how to do something simple now, I just answer him. It’s better for both of us to not have an argument over something stupid and it helps him feel more confident in his abilities when I don’t make him feel bad every time he asks for help.
In short, if your fiancé isn’t doing this on purpose (I.e. his issues affect him as much as they do you, he feels guilty/embarrassed for his problems, he’s remorseful/apologises, etc.), he really should see a health professional to see if there’s a deeper issue.
My husband has made a valid point from the fact we only have OP’s viewpoint here (my husband and I like to discuss posts on r/relationship_advice)
In regards of the shopping, when you first started dating, did you send him to the supermarket with a list and then explode at him for not getting the right brand yoghurt, the right coloured bell pepper, the right type of milk etc. Enough that he was so pissed off about how you treated him or gave him so much anxiety that he has to triple check everything and has fallen into a habit of passing everything onto you first?
I’m not saying its even you, he may have had this experience from his previous girlfriend or, more likely if this is the case, his parent/s. I went through a phase of being super insecure about everything and I have had a few bouts of self doubt enough to cripple me for a while (I changed jobs and was super happy in my new one only to be told a month later I wasn’t doing as well as quickly as they hoped and I had almost a meltdown thinking I couldn’t do anything basic right, of course it was just a hick-up and a bit of a dick ish move by my boss who knew they weren’t investing enough time training me as I was a last minute recruit when their previous employer had unexpected medical leave). My mother was a loving and kind woman but if I made the smallest mistake I would get humiliated or exploded at which made me not want to show her anything or make any decisions in front of her (I still struggle to make choices with my husband in fear of fucking things up despite him being incredibly understanding and would never say boo to me/)
Yes he is acting in a frustrating way but have you ever tried to resolve it in the 8 years or have been talking down to him like a baby rather than encouraging and rewarding him to be confident to be more independent? Does he ever get to choose what you have for dinner or movie? You could start with that and don’t ridicule or insult his choice, just let him grow as a person. If he messes up, show him how to improve or give him tips, dont tell him he fucked up and why is he so bad at something
Obviously this should not be your job to raise and nurture him to be a more independent person but considering you have been together for 8 years I’m guessing you do care about him. He is being difficult enough for you to want to leave him but if you want to improve things you BOTH need to communicate better and get him to recognise his behaviour is damaging your relationship.
It does sound frustrating, but… It’s actually annoying you think a grown man should also be up to date and have any interest in The Little Mermaid. That’s something you should be glad he’s clueless about!
The conversation should have been:
You – “Do you want to watch the little mermaid?”
Him – “no”
🤣🤣🤣
you seem like a controlling demanding person. The disney comment was interesting. disney programs men to be warriors and women to be princesses. it is truly an insidious and sinister form of mind control thrust upon children. So if you are an adult that is into that wicked pedophilic empire of disney I am assuming you were a child raised on disney movies and thus are inculcated with the princess mindset. The reality is that you are not a princess and failing to anticipate your desires or live up to your expectations is something that everyone will do to you throughout life. Learning to cope with unmet expectations and disappointment will serve you far better than a quick workaround that will augment your mans behavior. Are you sure you are mature enough to get married?
You equate lack of attention to detail with not using your brain and those aren’t the same at all. If you or someone you know is suffering from mental fog it is 100% because of the diet you eat. there are plant based diets that cause mental clarity you may want to switch to.
meat and animal products as well as refined and synthetic processed foods cause brain damage and impair thinking. If you switch to a raw vegan diet and supplement with colloidal vitamins and minerals your senses will be sharpened. good luck to you.
How do you react each time he gets something simple wrong? In my relationship I ALWAYS ask for confirmation because A) my wife gives unclear instructions and B) I have experienced horrendous back-lashes from making simple mistakes. To me the cost of me making a mistake and getting chewed out for it far outweighs the cost of her being annoyed.
Edit: for clarity
This could be learned behavior. Over the years, have you regularly questioned everything he does? Correct everything he says? Answered questions for him as if he couldn’t manage himself? If so, he has learned to refer to you for everything he does as you have shown him that he can’t do anything right by himself.
The little mermaid one doesn’t count. Many people wouldn’t know and absolutely not everybody has been talking about it
I think everyone has made pretty good points, but maybe he has issues with not getting things right, and is scared of being “wrong?”
You said he’s the main earner and does well at work. Well, when you know your job it’s not hard to know what is right and wrong. Knowing everything about work doesn’t mean you know everything about home and your partner.
He could have guessed which Little Mermaid you wanted to watch, but he wanted to be sure.
He could microwave his food in 30 second increments, but he wanted to be sure.
Whatever the reason is- weaponized incompetence, his ADHD/Sjogren’s, brain fog- Maybe this is a problem he needs help with, and you shouldn’t be so disrespectful to just say “he isn’t using his brain.”
I would be so sad if I read this about myself…
Sounds like you want the change to come from him only. This shouldn’t be your baseline if you want to change this dynamic.
I don’t doubt it can be exhausting telling him how to do stuff. But things won’t change if you don’t either, because it hasn’t so far. Try something new. I dont think this means changing the way you talk to him in how HE should change himself, even if it is more understanding. It’s still implicit judgement, and he can feel this, no doubt.
Your thoughts of him sound very condescending and like he’s inferior to you intellectually. I think this is where the change is needed.
You need couples therapy if you cannot solve this
I will have another take on this than the rest of the comments: ADHD. If he shows healthy intelligence levels but he struggles to pay attention to details or forgets small things, it would be an attention deficit.
They verbally confirm details to not go through the intense effort of focusing and reading the text.
He’s working full-time to support someone who is disabled and also is your primary caregiver? Sounds like he’s using his brain to me.
A better use of his brain would be to leave and find a better girlfriend, one who’s not so condescending. Or even stay single for a while and live his best life.
Are you really staying with him for all this time out of love? Or is it because he’s your caregiver?
Unpopular opinion incoming:
You need to mention up front that you are disabled and that this man is your sole provider and primary caregiver. It sounds like he may ask you this many questions because you talk to him and treat him like shit. It sounds as if he’s learned that you are not very gracious or forgiving when he makes a mistake, so he tiptoes around you and asks questions to avoid your wrath. It sounds like you may have some control issues due to your disability. It sounds like you both have a problem.
You are not giving a fair or accurate assessment of this situation and you are not portraying either of you in an honest light.
Sounds to me like anxiety, he is worried about getting it wrong and upsetting people. Do you know if he was bullied or had very critical parents?
It sounds like you don’t even like him. I mean, you are 8 years in, and if things still haven’t changed or improved…what’s your motivation for staying with someone you have almost no respect for? Is he rich? Maybe do yourselves both a favor and get out of the situation.
~~do you really want to spend your twenties like this?~~
~~love is not enough. it is never enough.~~
ignore first comment i can see in your comments that he hs sjogrens and ADHD as well as being one of your primary carers on top of a full time job. OP, he’s exhausted and you are making the choice not to help him.
He has both adhd and a disease that causes memory loss and you are patting yourself on the back for not exploding on him, but being condescending and treating him like a toddler – all that while he is a sole bread winner and your caretaker? You have NO IDEA how badly adhd alone can affect brain function and frankly, you sound insufferable. Your fiance deserves better.
He’s using you to be his brain in the house. You’re using him to FULLY support you financially and be your primary carer. You don’t want to put that on your post because the tide will turn against you.
What’s wrong with him depending on you for “stupid things” when you are depending on him for you to be able to ✨L I V E✨.
If you want someone “smarter” and independent around the house, go find that person. If you want someone who doesn’t have executive function fatigue, go find someone else. If you don’t want to make decisions for him all the time, then go get a job, support yourself and leave him.
You both depend on each other and it really infuriates me that you don’t even see that but only see your frustrations for “having to decide for him on simple things”. Have you ever thought that he’s doing that because he’s considerate of YOU?
You are only tolerating each other. Maybe he can’t leave you because he doesn’t want to be that bad person who left his disabled fiancée. Society is gonna judge him so hard on that. He also experiencing carer’s burn out and the way he expresses this is, “I do the work, I bring food to the table, I put the roof over our head, can you at least help me mentally off load and decide on this “stupid things” for me?”
And here you are getting frustrated from that ONE THING he is asking of you.
You deserve each other. 🤷♀️
I’m ready to get downvoted to oblivion , but this situation just —- ugh. When I’ve read that her fiancé is fully supporting her financially and is her primary carer —- ughh. You ungrateful so and so.
Is he asking bc you get mad if he does it “wrong”?
It’s called “weaponized incompetence”. If he pretends not to know how to do basic things then you can play mommy and do it all for him. He is not ready to be a husband. You’re just a mommy figure he also gets to have sex with. It’s the best of both worlds for him.
Stop accommodating him. Tell him he is an adult and to figure it out because having to constantly hold his hand through basic life is a huge turnoff. Tell him you will stop treating him like a child when he starts acting like an adult.
Don’t marry him until he grows up.
I’m exhausted just reading this.
Has it occurred to you that maybe he has undiagnosed autism? Of course, another option is that he has an intellectual disability, like in a Forrest Gump kinda way. I say this as a former special education teacher. His actions remind me of some of the students I have had. He definitely has some information processing issues. If you can possibly talk him into getting a psychiatric evaluation, I think you may find a reason for his limitations. It will take great effort to convince him to do this, but frame it in very loving way.