Both of us are 21 m/f. I’ll call her “S” for the sake of clarity. We have been dating for almost a year, and until this point have never had intercourse. Until this point she hasn’t been ready, which I was entirely supportive of.
The other night, S made it clear that she wanted to take the next step. We spent a long time on foreplay, it’s something we both really enjoy. But once the time came, she became really frustrated because she wasn’t getting wet. She started crying and wouldn’t tell me why she was so upset. I tried to tell her that it’s totally okay, and we can try again another time, but she kept on crying.
She left my apartment shortly after, and has only responded to texts. She won’t pick up the phone. I just want to make sure she’s okay. I called her mom (dad isn’t in the picture) and asked if she had heard anything from her and if she was okay, and she told me she was at the house and seemed like she was fine.
I can’t help but worry that I might have done something wrong, but she won’t respond when I ask her what happened. I know she’s had one boyfriend before, and she hasn’t shared much about him other than he was into drugs in some regard. It’s made me worry that something bad might have happened to her before we met that she hasn’t shared, which is completely understandable. I’m just worrying I hurt her somehow.
What can I do? She’s not ignoring me completely but won’t go beyond “I’m fine”. Should I stop asking? I really want to talk to her about it. I’m not worried about us not having sex, but her reaction seemed so out of character.
12 comments
One message and then drop it. Tell her that if there’s something she wants to talk about, you’ll be there to listen. Also tell her that you’re not upset with her, in any way.
After that, anything else you say about it, without her bringing it up, is going to be annoying and not helpful.
From your description it sounds like maybe she thinks something is wrong with her or maybe she is embarrassed? Either way, you can’t really tell unless she communicates which she isn’t doing.
It also sounds like you are asking “are you okay”, but if you want to talk about it maybe try asking “can we talk about it, I’m confused and concerned”. Maybe try bringing up your own feelings or concerns about her not talking about it so it’s not about her.
I don’t think being concerned about your significant other randomly crying is unreasonable.
It sounds like you might be guessing. You can’t make anyone talk about something they don’t want to. Unfortunately, you will just have to wait until she is ready. About the only thing you can do is offer her an open conversation with no judgement.
Many people need and enjoy lube
Probably wasn’t anything you did. I did basically the same thing the first couple of times, just wasn’t happening even though both of us wanted it. I felt like an absolute failure at the time and it was painful, now though, I know I just wasn’t physically ready and dilators and lube helped me immensely. It’s a horrible feeling because sex seems like something that should be so easy but it really isn’t. My bf and I spoke about it but it really is something I felt I had to work on without him. You checking on her is great, shows you care, express that you’re concerned about what happened and if she opens up to you, you guys can work together to see if it can be made easier on her. If she doesn’t open up, leave it alone. Common misconception is that women are always naturally wet enough and that simply is not true and there’s nothing wrong with using lube. Lube is a necessity for good sex imo.
I’m currently reading “Come as you are” by Emily Nagoski and it goes over this exact issue. What she experienced is called body non-concordance and is absolutely normal. The most well known example is when men are unable to maintain an erection even though they really want to. Although both are stigmatized by society, it is ABSOLUTELY NORMAL. Don’t push her to talk about it, but when she’s ready it might be worth bringing up.
I was in a similar situation but instead of not being wet, my pelvic floor was too tight to insert his penis. The guy was amazing, very patient and reassuring. He was not disappointed or frustrated with me at all… but I was frustrated with myself. I felt broken, inadequate, embarrassed, guilty, and like my body was betraying me. I got up and ran away.
He text me right after to ask if I was ok. Later on he said goodnight and he’ll check in tomorrow.
Next morning he asked how I was doing and he was there if I needed to talk.
Third day he said he was worried and to at least say I was alive. I said yes. He said “Thank you. Is there anything I can do? It’s okay if you need space and I understand. I care about you and want to see you, but totally get it if you need time, no pressure. I’m here when you’re ready to talk. I love you.”
About 2 days later I reached out and apologized for not responding. Told him it wasnt his fault my body didn’t cooperate, and it wasnt his fault that I ran away. That was my own shame telling me to hide.
He gave me my space and time, was compassionate, understanding, expressed his care, didn’t pressure me, and did not make it about him. But the most important thing is that he kept the focus on what was needed in the present moment, instead of asking about what went wrong during the event. Normally I need a lot of reassurance but for some reason in this instance I needed to pause. Just to share my experience!
It sounds like you really care about her and it must be so hard not being able to support her. Maybe give it time before approaching the subject again.
Buy a bottle of lube. Thats what its for.
She was probably just nervous
Use lube op introduce it yourself there different kinds with flavors too
Don’t ask more than one time if she is okay, it will just frustrate her. She is probably embarrassed.
Next time you two try, go down on her and add a little spit. Should do the trick if you aren’t ready to be pulling out a bottle of lube.
When I was younger I thought being naturally wet was super important but once I was introduced to lube I realized lube should ALWAYS be part of sexy time. Introduce it to her as a sex gift