I’m 37m and my wife is 36f. We’ve been married for 10 years and have 2 little kids. Prior to kids, my wife and I always had a very solid relationship (she agrees) and would only ever bicker over small stuff. She’s not originally from this country and I always had to push her to do things like learn English, go to college, and find a job (she was intimidated by these things). In fact, she doesn’t have much ambition to improve, compete, or move up in the world, which I believe are engrained in our American culture. I think she would be perfectly happy if I sat back, had a mediocre job, and didn’t take care of myself. However, this isn’t the case for me.
I’ve worked hard to give our family a nice home to live in, put her through college, and make sure all of us are well taken care of. After we had our first kids, things changed. She was now a part of my “team” and she tends to do everything at 80%. On top of working 10hrs a day, I find I’m the only one staying up at night cleaning. She is perfectly ok with the house being messy. After our first kid, I hired a maid service for awhile because she would barely clean most of the time while she was a SAHM. After our second kid she has stopped doing any sort of working out (it’s been over a year since having the kid) and I find myself not very physically attracted to her anymore. She doesn’t have the discipline to follow a workout routine and her great metabolism got her through her early years. Ive asked her if she is depressed. She says no and I also know this is just how she operates.
I’ve been just barely surviving in this environment for the past 3-4 years and anytime I bring up any disapproval of things she gets mad and won’t talk to me. Recently, she has been rude to me and complained that I wasn’t cooking enough for our kids. I’m not sure it’s possible to do more, I’m literally working or taking care of kids for every waking moment of my day. This was the last straw for me. There are many things I still like about her. I would do just about anything to make sure my kids have a good upbringing. I’ve never been to any type of counseling myslef. I was thinking of trying to get her to go to marriage counseling with me, but I honestly don’t know where to start.
4 comments
Do you still love her?
you’re making it a little too easy for her. If you do and tolerate everything, everything becomes natural and it is difficult to change anything.
Taking small steps and making her feel like she could lose you if she’s obnoxious to you…..would that be a start? She has to wake up somehow and acknowledge how you’re feeling or you’ve lost
Marriage counseling would be a great place to start!
“I’ve asked her if she is depressed. She says no and I also know this is just how she operates.”
Could you explains further what you mean by that second sentence?
With her lack of initiative it seems pretty clear there is something going on within her mind creating at least part of this.
Although you are doing many of the households tasks that she would normally be involved in, do you think her perception of your disapproval is taken more as criticism? Could it be from her perspective that your comments towards her has created some of her present condition and you don’t realize how much influence what you say or facial expressions have affected her?
I discovered in our marriage, now 46 yrs., that even now what I think I display toward my wife is not in any way criticism is taken completely different from her perspective.
Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.