31F here; I’m a professional with a decent job. I consider myself intelligent and well-traveled. Also, I have some hobbies as well.
Issue: wherever I try to find myself a soulmate it always comes down to FWB/situationship. I always make sure the guy has serious intentions and we date but regardless of when the sex happens/or if it happens at all….everything either starts revolving around sex and then ghosting me (or if the sex didn’t happen just ghosting). None of them ever tried to get to know me better or build any relationship.
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m not looking for extraordinarily good-looking men. All I want is just someone equally intelligent and mentally stable. I’m starting to feel helpless… I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve a relationship at all.
I think I just want to ask about the opinion of the hive mind? what works well for you?
EDIT: thank you all so much for your responses! You gave me a whole set of different perspectives on the issue and I will look into this with different eyes from now on. I plan to get a pause and reflect on this.
AGAIN, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!
43 comments
Pick different guys, sounds like you have a type and you are seeing the same result with the same guys.
Ooft, 32F here and I was in the same boat last year. I just decided to stop dating after I got ghosted. I can’t be bothered anymore. Definitely not what you wanted to hear but I’m sure that you’ll find someone if you give it some time!
I see that the people I attract (and keep) in my life as indicators of my psychological and spiritual health. I look at my family-of-origin, those who have raised me in order to understand where these unconscious beliefs which cause me to be drawn to certain kinds of people.
Do you have parents or other people who influenced your growing years that like or similar to that? What I mean by “that,” I don’t necessarily mean by people only wanting you for sex but also people who are not the kind who want to invest emotionally perhaps?
By looking back and deep into my FOO, I can explain my current life and unconscious beliefs.
Well it would be better to realize there is no “hive mind” here. Rather that you just seem to keep meeting men who only want sex from you. We can’t really say why but I’d say keep going.
Screen these guys out at the prelim chat or initial 1st date stage. Skip any who aren’t able to say they’ve been in a 2 yr+ relationship earlier. (if they’ve not done this earlier, they’re not gonna do it now)
Do you have a type? If not, perhaps it’s just a compatability issue, dating is hard.
It’s kinda you have to be upfront with what you want and don’t let sexual stuff happen if it seems like that is what they are wanting it’s not worth ur time and they clearly aren’t ready for commitment OLD is horrible I left it awhile ago and lucky enough met a great guy doing a hobby we both enjoy. Online dating was filled with nothing but guys wanting hook ups one night stands pretty much and that is very mentally damaging not saying women don’t do it as well just it made me feel like nothing but an object
I think you need to make sex more difficult, actually make a guy be invested. As you mentioned they leave, which is a good thing because they won’t waste your time.
Also make it very clear, like crystal clear in the beginning that will eliminate a lot of the guys before they even start on wasting your time
>All I want is just someone equally intelligent and mentally stable
You just ruled out most men, have you considered women?
This is a JOKE.
But seriously, as a straight female, I keep kinda wishing I was a lesbian because women seem to be offering what I want/need in an emotional/psychological/lifestyle kind of way. But alas, I like the peen.
You sound great. People should want to date you.
be honest about what you want tell them your not looking to have sex until later in the relationship
It really depends on your filtering. If you’re only meeting up with the top 10% of men that get the most attention from women, then he’s likely to treat you as an option, unless you bring comparable value to the table, apart from sex. Sex for a guy with options doesn’t have a lot of value.
similar situation but I know the issue is the hierarchy of men I am choosing, they have options. Unless they see me as very valuable I am just another women.
Maybe the pattern is that these guys pick up on the fact that you feel like you don’t deserve a relationship—you admitted that there is a pattern of everything revolving around sex. You are a willing participant in that pattern. Why are you allowing that pattern to continue?
If casual sex is not what you want, don’t agree to Netflix and Chill dates, booty calls, etc. A guy who is interested in getting to know you will respect that boundary. A guy who ghosts wasn’t there for the right reasons and there’s no loss.
You need to own up to your role in these situationships, too.
Pay attention to their actions at the beginning. Are they asking questions to get to know you? Are the end of dates usually going back to one another’s place? I usually pay attention to those things at the very beginning to filter them out.
Maybe you‘re not as intelligent as you claim to be if you repeatedly fail to recognize people who only want you for your body
How early are you having sex? I think depending on how many dates you go on you can see their intentions like trying to sext or kiss early on/ get physical fast. And I know this might sound mean but it’s sadly a possibilty, are you good at sex or are you inexperienced or vanilla? Sexual compatibility is a big influence so if you suck in the sack not many people want to continue seeing you. More than likely you’re just picking men you want to get physical fast early on
Happens to men to.
Last woman I was dating explicitly told me she doesn’t jump into bed early and wanted to take things slow. I was fine with that (despite having a very high sex drive) because I really liked her and wanted to develop a real connection/relationship.
Fast forward to date 5 next thing I know she’s taking off her clothes and getting hot and heavy, she initiated it all. Next day, she says she doesn’t wanna date me anymore. 🤷🏽♂️
I guess what it really comes down to is it doesn’t really matter if it’s a man or a woman or how long you wait to have sex. The person is either really into you or they’re not. You just have to keep going until you find the right person. Ghostings happen to everyone.
Sorry, people just suck.
the fact that you lead off with
> professional with a decent job.
means you know nothing about what guys want
Fellow disgruntled female here who can only offer empathy. Dating straight up sucks.
I’m a 27F who also has a good professional job, is highly educated, and has an array of hobbies/interests such that I can usually get along with most people quite well. Per other people’s comments, I’m “very pretty” with a “great body,” so I’ll label myself as decently attractive and not ugly. I’m also 5’11” (still somewhat convinced that tallness doesn’t help me).
I am also looking for a guy who is on my level (good personality, hard-working, educated professional, etc.) and I am always ending up with FWB interests as opposed to proper “want to go out on a date?” I never ever talk about anything sexual on dates, so I struggle to see why someone would think this appropriate with me.
It’s trash, and I’m damned tired of the “afraid of commitment” situation. It also doesn’t help that I’m in NYC, so not sure if your locale is playing a role, OP.
I hope the both of us can find the nice, mature and kind men we’re looking for 🙁
Offering a different perspective: it’s not you it’s dating culture. All of my boyfriends started out as friends first where we got to know each other over time and feelings developed eventually. Every guy I meet off OLD eventually expects sex or something physical on the third date. It’s very tiring and I get scared to set boundaries because I assume they will lose interest. Every single guy regardless of type, height, etc wanted something physical very quickly.
https://open.spotify.com/episode/1nysAVhn1OxqfYqZvu7TH9?si=DHve-H5gQfig6ft_SKhQ6A
Hi, 35M here,
You seem have easy access to men to have sex with, but not someone to stay with you.
All guys are interested for sex, but you need the one who want sex and staying with you.
You can’t make him stay until HE wants to
If HE doesn’t want HE is not gonna stay.
So you need to understand that the guy also have a choice. If he feels some redflags (and 100% you have redflags), he is gonna leave.
This is because the guy probably thinks the second he reciprocates interest in a genuine relationship, your mindset will go the other way and you will lose interest. This is the reality most of us deal with so we are hard wired to staying detached for fear of killing the attraction because people want what they can’t have.
You’re not making the cut. They see something in you that makes a relationship not seem appealing. Maybe it’s red flags, maybe it’s a lack of green flags.
My only question: why are you calling them soulmates ?
What did they do to deserve this title ? Saying hi to you? Being hot ?
My guess is the answer is somewhere there.
I start by presenting boundaries because my anxiety when meeting someone is always at its peak. I don’t know what’s okay, what’s not okay, whether you have needs or nuances that I need to be attentive of. Idk I want to be thorough in the first month or so to learn as much about you as possible so I can make a connection before becoming intimate. The only times that’s been thrown out the window is when I’ve been a rebound but I’m still just going with the flow until I get uncomfortable. Hell I didn’t lose my virginity until 24 and even then I was waiting as much as I could.
Reading other comments, I don’t think you have a type, rather you just get unlucky with guys that present themselves upfront as a match but underneath might be trying to satisfy their needs with any self-destructive manner they can get in the door to succeed. I’ve worked out weeding away a lot of those by scaring most of these people out by presenting my goals first. Saying “what I want out of a relationship” and with age you can pull rank by saying “you had fun in your 20s but the game isn’t fun anymore and you are ready to settle in”. Most will fall out because you’re being too serious or putting a lot of pressure on say a first date by presenting your future goals. The ones that want sex and are persistent will most often lie and present their goals to cater close to yours. The ideal partner will accept your opinion and then talk about either their past relationships, their needs and what they hope to get you to reciprocate in dating long term, and or just continue casual conversation beyond the date and long into the night either via text or in person until it’s inappropriate to continue where they will dismiss themselves.
It’s not a fairy tale mindset, it’s just eliminating bad matches.
Curious what your prompts are.
That’s cuz your dating dudes who ain’t me
[deleted]
I’ve had to change environments.
My last ex (we dated for a year) and I met when I first went to a bar. We both were trying for the long run, but it didn’t work out do to different work situations.
I’ve learned that changing where I look helps and while the “I just want sex” crowd is everywhere, at least changing up where you go to and who you talk to increases the odds of you finding someone who wants to be there for the long haul.
Best wishes; as a 29m college student who works full time, I can feel the being busy part of life. Just keep on trying and you’ll find a good one!
You consider yourself intelligent? This is one of those things that people should say about you, not you saying about yourself. What else are you saying about yourself to people? If you’re spending time with these guys and they’ve made up their mind that they don’t want a relationship, there has to be something about your overall personality that turns them off.
I may not be speaking for most guys but convincing a guy to be in a relationship isn’t all that complicated if he’s already attracted enough to you to want to have sex with you. Just don’t have extremely repulsive personality traits (arrogance, immaturity, insecurity, etc.) and don’t be a pain in the ass.
I don’t know everything that’s on the minds of the guys you dated, but I know relatability (**real** relatability… stuff that resonates with you as well, not just saying things you think I want to hear) is key for me. It’s what would make me actually want to stick around. This applies to both out of the bedroom *and* in the bedroom.
This is never feedback a date would hear vocally from me, but I’m definitely throwing out feelers into the conversations of stuff I’m *really* looking for someone who can relate/is on a similar wavelength. Whenever I notice this type of stuff is dismissed, not recognized, or going to be a point of contention, that lowkey starts killing my enthusiasm and/or desire to want to be around you.
For me, if this goes too far into the unrelatable direction, then I’m probably just going to say I’m not feeling it and we should end things. However, for some other guys, they might try to power through despite that if they think sex is still possible. I don’t care about sex on its own that much to be able to keep things going like that just to get it.
Obviously men are not a monolith, but they do tend to value different things in a relationship. Few men will care how much money you make.
… But most *will* care about how kind, supportive, and compassionate you are. You can have a lot of success doing something as simple as dropping off some tea or coffee and a bagel for them.
My bigger point of advice is to say just don’t engage in casual hookup culture. Don’t go on netflix and chill dates. Don’t sleep with anyone if you do. That will weed out a lot of men just interested only in sex. (Almost all men are interested in sex at least to some degree.) That will also send them a message about how you view yourself and view relationships and will weed out a lot of the losers.
No, it is because they don’t want to settle and don’t forsee a proper relationship. There are fewer guys that are willing to settle down than in the past. It is not that easy to find a soulmate in this generation. People are getting more selfish, colder and lazier.
When I faced rejection from guys, I always think to myself. “It is difficult to make genuine friends nowadays. What makes you think that soulmate is easy to find?”
It is not about you, it is about them.
What age of men are you going for? Besides saying you want something serious are you actually talking about the further future like “in five years Id love to be married with kids”? Are you really vetting them, getting to know them, asking them about their dreams and their past etc?
Here’s the real answer: Guys who get women easily will want sex faster because if they can’t get it from you they can move on to the next one on the line and get it from her. Guys who don’t get any woman easily will not be as pushy for sex because they are lucky that they are even getting a date. The problem is that these guys who will prefer a relationship and who will be more courteous and caring are not as sexy-looking or as socially adventurous and fun as the other ones who will want the sex-action early. Therefore, most women just date the sexier ones, even if they are not the better deal for a serious companionship and for true love. People don’t like this answer, but this is the real deal.
That’s all we want
Hard to know. Some troubleshooting guesses:
*Try to get off the apps and meet guys you get to know in real life. Like through a mutual activity, where you have common interests. And where you can get to know each other like people first.
*Try to have real conversations. Ask them questions about their feelings, dreams, fears and hopes for the future. And talk about your real thoughts. If a guy is just looking for sex, he won’t be that interested in your deep thoughts. You’ll notice. And this is also a good way to make a genuine connection.
*Don’t pursue guys you don’t connect with. There has to be a feeling of clicking with them or there won’t be anything to build a relationship on. Look for people you have real things in common with, like you are looking for a friend.
*Tell them very straightforward from the start that you are looking for something serious.
*Pay attention to if a guy is just being seductive and smooth, without being genuine. When people make a move on you, you can often tell.
*Pay attention to if a guy seems to be crushing on you. Usually that’s easy to pick up on as well.
*End things early with guys who send mixed messages or don’t seem excited about you.
*Think about if you communicate sex. If you feel that your only value is sexual, you might be overly flirty in the way you communicate.
Ok as a guy, I know that there are guys who want serious relationships out there. So what must be happening could be one of these:
1. These men are attracted to you but you have some behaviors that make them not want anything long term with you. Idk what these would be as I don’t know you but common ones are controlling behavior or being emotionally distant.
2. You keep picking or subconsciously attracting this kind of man. Again, I can’t know exaclty how. I’d have to know what attracted you to the guys you ended up with and hat made you reject other guys.
My opinion would be your qualities are not what you think they’re
My suggestion is keep getting piped till a dumb ass falls for you 🤷♂️I guess
I recommend you to watch some videos of the Cavin Samuels – maybe it will help. I am not sure if withholding a sex a good strategy.
Btw men typically don’t care about your job or education only in how you behave, and how good looking you are.
Opinion of a guy. When I’m thinking about an ideal girlfriend/wife then a good career/high salary/intelligence are not really traits I’m looking for. There are other things us guys value more highly than those. Ofcourse on paper the things I mentioned have value but I would rather have a girlfriend who is not focused too much on her career.
I’m not saying to lower your standards because I absolutely think you shouldn’t be with someone you don’t like just for the sake of being with someone. I do think intelligent/high salary/tall/high social status women have it way harder with dating since their datingpool is just so much smaller and their standards are way higher than average.
About ending up with guys who only want sex. I don’t want to attack you personally or blame you but is it possible in some way that you are only attracting those type of guys? Is the only value they see in you as having sex and nothing else? You mention ghosting so this point might be hard but did you ever ask those guys for honest feedback?
I do think you deserve a relationship and happiness. I also believe you will find what you are looking for if you keep working at it. Good luck in the future.