I (28F), and my (32M) fiance, have been together for 7 years now and we have a 16 month old daughter. He has always been really bad at regulating his emotions and more often than not would yell at me and tell me I was just looking to argue anytime I would bring up issues or concerns. He would talk down to me and call me names as well. He is not a bad person but just is very emotionally immature. I truly believe has never cheated on me but I have seen him message another girl on snapchat. He made me feel like I was the problem for getting upset at this. As the years have gone, I have also told him that I felt like the affection from him was lacking and I needed more if it. It got to the point that I did not want to have sex with him anymore because of it. He would continously say that he would work on it but nothing woudl really change. I know he is a good person and I did not leave him because I always still believed he would change. In May of 2023, if finally got the courgae to tell him I could not be with him anymore but after a couple weeks he seemed very remorseful and promised me real change this time. I set my boundaries and rules and he agreed. A couple months now, I still question if I should still leave him or if I should just give it more time. He has been working on certain things but I still feel like I am missing a lot. I am still not really happy. I do not know what to do or how to figure out what it is I truly need to do or should do. Should I leave?
TL;DR; : I gave him another chance but I now I do not know if it was the right thing to do. Should I leave?
9 comments
It is in the end up to you.
Except for the obvious reasons like your daughter or family pressure etc. is there anything personal that still makes you want to stay? Do you think it is realistic that he changes to a level that he will be your ideal partner? How would you feel if he was alone with your daughter for a prolonged time? Would you trust him as a parent?
If not, I would consider leaving him. From what you describe it seems to me it will be very difficult to recover your relation from the past.
I don’t envy your situation. Good luck and wisdom with deciding what you wan to do.
What are you both actively doing together to address the problems of the past and work towards goals now?
You should have weekly sit downs where you talk about goals, problems, solutions, and victories. Every week, for an hour minimum.
As a team. Think about what you did in HS for a group project. That same energy.
If you’re not doing that, I don’t see how things can actually change.
Im sorry to tell you, but the constant gaslighting is narcissistic behavior. Narcissists never actually believe they’re the problem, he’s only telling you what you want to hear. The fact that you’re debating it in the first place answers your own question. Deep down you want to leave, you just want to reassure that you’re making the right decision. It won’t be an easy journey, but it’s not impossible, and you’ll be happier in the long run. Your feelings are completely valid, don’t make him tell you or make you believe otherwise. Don’t force yourself to stay because he hasn’t cheated and is a “good”person. Emotionally you are tired, you feel alone, and that is more than enough of a reason to leave a relationship.
He said what he needed to say to get you back. He didn’t actually mean it.
I know this must really be hard for you cause deep down you love him and you have a child involved but I would re read what you wrote down cause that does sound like trauma bonding to me. I was in a very unhealthy relationship and loved the person I was with and would try and try and look past the flaws and have talks about what we need to work on and everything else I could do until they had went to far and I was forced to move out.
I know this is very heartbreaking cause when you love someone you want it to work out but you also need to realize this life we have is short and at the end of the day you need to look out for your mental health and look for a healthy relationship after you can heal from this one. If I were you I would leave, he will not change and if he is yelling at you that is immature and you should not have to deal with that. Live for yourself not someone else.
After 30 years on this planet I had to realize that, no matter how much you love someone you need to open your eyes and see them for who they really are and it is really sad cause they do it to themselves and sometimes they have mental issues. I wish you the best of luck. Walking away is the hardest thing todo but just imagine not having that stress everyday in your life.
The problem here is you knew all this about him and still had a child. So now even if you leave you are tied to this man for life. You really need to sit down and ask yourself want you wantn
Yes you should leave.
You keep saying he’s a good person then immediately follow it up with shit that good people don’t do.
It looks like he is gaslighting you to heck and manipulating you. If you have a desire to leave then go.