Back story: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years. We have been living together for 4 years now and he is a great man. My only complaint is that he has stopped wanting to have sex with me and won’t give me a great reason on why other than he is just tired.
For the first couple years we had sex maybe 3-4 times a week. In the third year we both got new jobs that are physical labor jobs and it went down to once a week to once a month within that year. I thought this was normal because of how physically hard he and I both work. The past 6 months it’s gone down to once every other month or so.
I’ve asked him if it’s because I’ve done something that he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. He says no and that he finds me attractive and is obviously annoyed when I ask him those things.
If I try to initiate anything I get rejected, and after getting rejected so much I have stopped initiating and now just wait for him to.
I’ve even tried figuring out different things so we both get what we want. He tells me if I want sex to just use my toys and he will go in the other room. I’ve asked him to stay and help me that way we are sexually intimate without him really doing anything physical but he doesn’t want to do that. Anytime I ask him why he doesn’t want to do anything sexual anymore the only repose I get is that he is tired. If I try to push beyond that point he gets annoyed with me. He will tell me he loves me and that he wants a future with me and that sex shouldn’t be that important at this point. And I get it, but I just want a better explanation because I don’t think that’s the full reason. He has no problem doing anything else physical on his time off.
I just hate that the man I love has hurt my confidence like this. I love him and I do not want to end things over sex, I just want advice on how to bring this up better to how he understands why this is bothering me because I don’t know if he gets that it’s emotionally draining. I feel like we are best friend roommates at this point and not in a relationship. I have told him that once and it really hurt him but it’s how it feels! So what’s your advice on how to talk to him about this issue without him getting annoyed with me and trying to push it aside??
7 comments
Any chance he’s gay?
You’re valid to seek clarity about these shifts in your relationship. Physical closeness is a form of emotional expression and connection. Now, you’ve got to approach this conversation with empathy and understanding. Choose a calm moment and communicate your feelings, emphasizing how the change is impacting your emotional well-being and self-esteem. Acknowledge his fatigue, but let him know your relationship needs a deeper talk about this matter.
If you haven’t considered it yet, it could be helpful to seek couples therapy. It’s always useful to create a neutral space to understand each other’s perspectives. Remember, it’s not just about the act of sex – it’s about the emotional bond that comes with it. He might be struggling with issues he’s hesitant to share, so by creating an open, non-judgmental space, he will open up and let you into his heart for a DEEP understanding. Prioritize that emotional bond, and the physical intimacy will follow.
Here’s is a hard question he must answer.
Is he tired or are you tiring on this subject.
I’m probably going to get a lot of heat for this because it’s not the mainstream Reddit groupthink.
Is it possible that he might have a porn addiction? As in, does he spend a lot of time in the bathroom, take a lot of “naps”, take care of his needs by himself? Because if he is spending a lot of time “alone,” that could be a reason for the decline in libido. And it may not even be obvious. But he could be subscribed to an OnlyFans or something. Maybe he’s having an emotional affair with someone.
OR on the flip side, maybe he has a kink or something he is into but he is embarrassed to share it with you.
He also might have low testosterone and needs to have a hormone panel done. He could be depressed, maybe he started a new medication and it tanked his libido (just proposing an option).
You’ve tried proposing some very open minded options and he seems to have blatantly shut them down. I would have one final conversation and say something along the lines of:
“I know that we have had several conversations about intimacy and while I hate to continue bringing it up, it is a big part of a relationship and a factor in keeping it healthy. I don’t expect us to have the same level of intimacy like we did in the beginning, but I also know there’s been a lot of change recently.
I’m concerned there is a deeper underlying issue that you maybe don’t feel comfortable sharing with me.
(Propose all options above, but end with porn addiction; believe me, they won’t take it well)
If you still don’t feel comfortable sharing with me, then I suggest you share with someone you do trust or a mental health professional.
If this doesn’t resolve by the end of our lease, I do think we should go our separate ways because this isn’t a healthy situation and it’s obvious that neither of us are happy deep down.”
If that doesn’t open up a conversation, then you have your answer: he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. You can’t want to be with someone for the rest of your life and not want to work on issues that are important to the other person. It may not be important to him, but it is important to you, and your concern is valid.
If sex is important for you in a relationship and it seems that it is, and he has made it clear that it isn’t for him, you may just be incompatible now. He seems to have lost his libido. There can be underlying medical issues for that or he’s simply just not interested. You probably need to take his word for it and trust that if he had a reason, he’d tell you but ultimately the reason isn’t as important as the fact that he doesn’t want to compromise or fix anything and is content to have a dead bedroom when you aren’t. So you just need to tell him that at your age, you don’t want to be done with physical intimacy and feel as though if he’s done having sex with you, you’ll need to go find someone who will.
Holy F are you me. I seriously relate to this so much. You have no idea.
Try waxing your asshol. Women who grow older start growing hair down there. It don’t look good.