I (36M) have an ongoing issue with my partner (34F) regarding long lapses and gaps in sexual activity after a fight.
So this has been an ongoing issue for me, and it’s really starting to bother me. We’ve been together about 10 years, and we’ve had our share of issues, arguments, and fights. At least a few times a year, she’ll end up getting very upset about something, we always talk it through as we’ve been to counselling and come out the other end with a resolution.
Issue is, LITERALLY every time we have these fights, there is absolutely no intimacy, sex, or even physical contact for a month and sometimes 2 months. She won’t hug me, she won’t touch me playfully around the house, she won’t cuddle or touch me in bed, and obviously, there’s no sex or release of any kind. Every single time this happens, which is annually at this point, I have to be the one to call her out on it and talk about it. I have literally never had make-up sex due to this.
Once I do call her out on it, which I’ve been doing every year for the past 3 years, she claims it’s a difference in libidos, and that after a fight, she genuinely loses all desire for anything sexual and that it takes her a long time to get back to her baseline.
I am already not happy with the frequency at which we have it..and to top it off, there’s this every year that I had to deal with numerous times. Any advice or personal experiences to share?
TLDR: gaps of one to two months of no sex or any physical contact after fights, even when resolved.
EDIT: Just to add to the above, it’s gotten to the point that whenever she starts getting upset or angry about something..I legitmately start thinking and fearing if this will end up being serious enough that it’ll affect our sex-life again, like it does every year..
32 comments
This rings alarmingly familiar to me. It is possible she is using the lack of intimacy as a punishment. Even though you say the issue is resolved, it might not be in her mind. Could you bring this issue up with her without a big blowout argument? Sounds a lot like a controlling action.
Some people just aren’t interested in make up sex or angry argument sex. Bottom line is that if you have intimacy needs not being met, you two need to have that conversation and keep having it until you both reach a place of better understanding
I totally totally totally get not wanting to have sex after an argument. I don’t want anyone near me, even after the argument is resolved.
But a night’s sleep ALWAYS resets me. I’m good to go the following day.
My partner and I have gone for a few weeks without any touching/intimacy after a fight. Depending on the nature of the argument, it does pretty much eliminate my sex drive or desire to be even touched. It’s normal and we always come out the other side of it. Women are mentally involved in their physical activities. Our heads are insane places sometimes and just because our body may want to be touched, doesn’t mean our head can allow us to get into it.
That being said, I’d be curious to know if she truly has this issue or is using sex as a way to control things. You already said you’re unhappy with the frequency of which you’re intimate. Is this something you’ve talked about with her before? If she’s aware, she could be using these gaps as a “punishment” for her being upset. I don’t want to jump to conclusions not knowing the full story, but I know a few women who pride themselves in withholding from their partners just because they can. It’s not right, by any means, and she should be seeking counseling for that issue if it’s something she’s doing.
Tell her that she needs to start seeing a therapist *by herself* about this “loss of libido after an argument” bullshit.
If you don’t have kids, then tell her that the next time she pulls this shit–including immediately after the conversation you’re having–you are moving out, and she can decide what she wants more, you or these stupid power trips.
If you do have kids then tell her that if she *EVER* does that again you’re going to divorce her as soon as the last kid is out of the house, and that you will have affairs as you wish.
Go to therapy
Is it possible that she is prolonging these fights in order to have an excuse not to be intimate?
Go to therapy
Uh… exactly what kind of fights are y’all having? Because depending on the severity, resolution (and whether you’re having the *same* arguments) it is very normal to need a period of re-establishing emotional safety before feeling comfortable with physical intimacy.
Are y’all in couples counseling?
She could be initiating fights as an excuse to stop being intimate with you. Stopping for 2 months after a fight is ridiculous. I think it’s not about the fight, it’s about her low libido.
2 days maybe
6 years 🙃
Overnight at most. But our little arguments are rare, mild, and involve quick apologies. You two must have a lot of problems keeping you fighting… unless she’s picking fights to excuse not having sex, because she really doesn’t want to.
Been married 20 years and I think the longest we’ve gone without lovemaking is two weeks. And certainly not because of fighting. But we just get along for the most part. We try to put disagreements behind us quickly.
Could she be starting those disagreements to help her mask her lack of sexual appetite? It may be time to talk about intimacy in general outside of any disagreement. Talk about what intimacy looks like to you (type, frequency, etc…) and same for her. See how far off you are. Talk about how when one of the arguments impacts intimacy downs couple of months that to you that feels like she is still arguing and not letting go of the disagreement. She’s sounds like a good candidate for the book….Come As You Are so she can gain some understanding of how she is putting on the brakes every time there is a disagreement.
This is like giving someone the silent treatment; sex is part of a relationship.
Do you think she is cheating? Sorry, to ask that but one would have to wonder if the fights become more frequent and her interest in sex has dwindled. I think a lot of women do go through dry spells but it’s weird that hers comes around the same time every year. Did something happen in her life around this time that was traumatic for her? Is she Narcissistic and withholding love and sex to punish you? If she truly isn’t into sex, is it possible she would be receptive to an open relationship?
I’m the opposite. My husband pushes for makeup sex within a few days, even when I’m not ready. I cave because I know it’s important to him. But my mind isn’t there. It is hard to feel like your body is just being used for sexual gratification and not actually live and attraction. But, I have severe body image issues and that is largely what we fight about. So, it makes sense that is how my brain would work it out.
During the 1-2 months of issue being resolved, does she behave moody/angry or her usual self? I ask cos the issue may be resolved for you but she may not agree and may go along just to end the fight. In which case, in her mind the issue is not resolved and she will take time to adjust to it.
This happens to me, where hubby will keep pushing his decision and after a point I give in as I just cannot prolong a fight. But it takes me time to come to terms with it, in which case I have zero interest in sex. I cannot feel aroused when angry/upset/unhappy etc. and till then I am also not my usual self.
Therapist. Asap
My partner [29M] and I [28F] are both emotionally aware and excellent at communicating. We tend to work through our issues and feelings quickly and effectively, and after a fight, we prefer to cuddle and have sex afterwards. If we’re both busy, we’ll have sex that day at a time that works best for us.
I can understand if your partner loses desire and needs time after a fight, that’s fair, as long as it’s not her withholding sex and affection as punishment. The latter is not healthy or okay.
Depends on the fight but yes, this has happened several times. I haven’t seen anyone ask the question that seems obvious to me — what happens after the fight? You say you talk it through, but does she actually feel like it’s resolved? Do you practice HER love language? Do you try to foster intimacy in ways that she needs? Is there something she needs emotionally to come back online?
Ultimately: Does she feel safe? Safety is paramount for women to open up, both on a physical level but even more importantly, emotionally. If she has a low libido, relationship issues are a common cause.
I ask these questions from experience— that’s precisely why sex wouldn’t happen for us. And my husband has had to start learning how to connect with me emotionally on a deeper level. It’s a work in progress like all relationship issues but we’re learning to come back online together more.
Therapy can be great but often it focuses on “solving the problem”, which is needed, but neglects nurturing the relationship. A relationship is like a garden and you’re both different plants with different needs. One of you may need more sunlight or water or plant food, and it’s no better or worse than the other, just different.
Also, if you keep having the same type of fight, there’s a deeper issue. There’s likely some trauma or unmet needs that keep being triggered, and it would absolutely make sense if her desire goes away. Therapy would be helpful; but only if they’re the type to help you both dig deep. Many are only working at the surface level, with “conflict resolution,” rather than understanding and healing the pain that keeps causing the conflicts… because that’s a lot harder, though absolutely worth it.
Best wishes; you both deserve to have your needs met.
Too long.
If it’s taking months for her to want to have sex with you again I’d argue that the issue *isn’t* actually resolved to her.
How do you fight? Is it a heated conversation? Or more? Does she feel unsafe with you when you’re fighting? Do you threaten divorce? Do you fight dirty? Is it aggressive?
Those things will leave a deeper scar than the fight itself and feeling safe again after your partner has been unkind or aggressive can take a long time.
If you fight fair and there’s no aggression and the issue IS genuinely resolved for you both then I’d say it’s a libido issue, but do reflect on what I wrote above. Only you (and she) know what your fights look like.
To answer your question I’m good to go the next day (assuming it’s resolved) but our fights are really just conversations. We don’t yell, we just talk. So there’s no additional stuff to process once the conflict has been resolved.
I think im lucky in the sense that I don’t really fight with my current partner, and on the rare occasion that we do argue it takes me about 2 days max with me trying my hardest to stay mad at him before I’m being a koala again. But with my ex it was bad, it was like we were fighting constantly and every fight would lead to angry sex, which isn’t very healthy at all because nothing ever actually got resolved because we’d get distracted. Maybe talk to her about it and see if there’s anything you can do to ease her aloofness in that period after a fight?
This is not normal. We would have makeup sex mostly the same night or day after we makeup.
Is it more common in the Spring/Fall ?
I mean, honestly, depending on what about or how one is treated it could be a lot. I personally can’t just be all sexual and touchy when upset or extremely frustrated with my husband. I respond well to humor and he doesnt like humor when he is mad so it takes alot for me to bounce back. Its not punishment. I feel so disconnected and wont force myself because i dont want to hate myself.
We tend to apologise then get intimate as a way to fully resolve things.
Always works well for us.
She knows what she does, she punishes you. Love should be not conditionally. The sex part could be libido, the rest screams “I WANT YOU TO GIVE IN, IF YOU DONT, I WONT GIVE YOU LOVE” I wonder why the counselor has not called her out on that.
She needs therapy to change (and that needs the will to see she is wrong and has to change). If she is not interested in that after talking with her about it (best option would be with a [Different] counselor). You should think about dumping her. Not sure if you have kids or want any, but that shit fucks them up and she will use the same tactic on them to get what she wants -> clean your room or mommy doesn’t love you, does not clean room, gets ignored, no hugs e.g..
How do you define a resolved fight? because as long as there’s still consequences of that fight it isn’t resolved in my book
My LLH does this to me. It never gets better until you put your foot down and say that it’s unacceptable.